healthyagain

I was getting ready to leave him. I remember the countdown to May 18th when I was supposed to move out to my very own apartment. And I remember the morning when I was squeezing a set of keys in my hand and the green key tag saying "Welcome to your new home."

I do not come on here anymore often, mainly for good reasons, meaning that my life is alcoholic drama free. But I had to learn to literary breathe again, and I am still learning, every single day.

I love my life the way it is now. Of course, there are always obstacles, but nothing is dramatic and chaotic as it was before. There is no one to throw a fit for every little stupidity (which I later realized was his way of controlling me and making me walk on eggshells). I became much stronger in these three years. Calmer and wiser (let us hope), I dare say. And more experienced. I live independently, doing what I want and love to do.

I still have no desire to be in a relationship. I just don't. The idea of dating seems to be very overwhelming. My dog is the only critter allowed to cause mess around, and he is technically speaking, an angel. He was only 9-10 months old when I moved out. And sometimes I look at him while he is sleeping peacefully and think how did I get so lucky.

And I still have to learn to trust people and my senses, but I guess it is a process, and people come and go. I might call my life fluid at the moment, and I am getting used to that fluidity of people and new situations and everyday changes, and it is not even scary anymore as I understand that the change just happens. Sometimes it affects me, but many times, I am only an observer.

My ex is not family anymore, and he is definitely not a friend. I let him go, doing things that I considered to be appropriate and right, and prudent, and safe, considering that he was abusive, but for much longer than I was aware of. I do not feel the need to tell everyone that he was an alcoholic, which is interesting, because at the beginning, I wanted to scream about it all over the place and convince everybody how right I was.

I love my peace, and I just cannot imagine allowing all that drama into my life again. How I survived it, I have no idea.

Thank you all!

Bekindalways

So absolutely fabulous to hear this Healthyagain.

We see so many folks starting this path that it is good to hear from the other end.

May you continue to heal and grow.

Bernadette

Great news. Bravo to you for having the courage to make such a change that has led to such a better life. And I love your dog, even though I've never met him!!
Peace,
B.

Refiner

Wow, I love your post! And have to give you a virtual hug for your love of your pooch! I feel the same with mine!

Seren

Oh, healthyagain....what a wonderful update, and how generous of you to share it with us here!! Thank you!

7yearwait

I really needed your post today! Thank you so much for sharing!
I am starting to panic i just divorced my A a month ago and Im in a sad funk (haven't heard from him), can I ask what helped you move on? did he try to contact you afterwards? how did you deal?

healthyagain

Moving on was something that simply had to happen. I set some strict rules for myself. For example strict no contact on my side. I say on my side, because yes, he was still trying to keep me engaged in every possible way imaginable. He even tried to engage his mom! Two years after our divorce, he lost everything, job, apartment, and then his family finally took over, and he went to rehab. I realized that he kept coming back because I was still giving him something he needed, so, I tried to figure out what it was. Now, in case of my ex, some underlying personality disorder exists, because it became apparent that he lived in his own world having created this image of himself, of how people perceive him and that he simply cannot do wrong. But I distanced myself, because it was an absolute necessity and the only possible solution.

So,I focused on myself, which in the end had to happen because life itself makes you do so. One needs a job, to earn money, pay the bills, so this emotional aspect, thinking about him and the relationship, becomes secondary, and you are growing and getting better, every single day. And having a pet helps . And reconnecting with your old friends and family.

It took me about two years to untrain myself. Now I have new routines, that are only mine. And I enjoy both the weekends and holidays!

It is very hard in the beginning, but things get better. They simply have to.

7yearwait

"It is very hard in the beginning, but things get better. They simply have to."[/QUOTE]

Thank you so much for your response, I'm usually okay when dealing with this loss, I always reason myself out of missing him, however; I've been extra sensitive this past week. Im grieving the idea of the relationship I once knew, and Im also mad/sad that he has gone No contact on me , as if I'm disposable. I know its not as simple as it plays out in my head. He also has the same traits as your Ex when it comes to personality , he always sees himself right and manipulates everyone into thinking he's doing great. I spoke with his mother ( we have a good relationship) about collecting my things from the house , and I asked how he was doing; to my surprise she responded " he's doing great, he's busy with work , he eats well now and he looks really good" , ,, that hit me hard ...... I was between thinking he actually is doing fabulous without me, and he's dropped me like i never existed.... and the other part of me thought : he's now manipulating his mom into thinking he actually doing great......
(I say he's manipulating her because the last time I saw him a month ago, he was shaking uncontrollably from withdrawal in the morning after being plastered the night before...
regardless of what actually is going on, I know I need to let go and move on,,, the rejection just hurts so bad, and the no contact is devastating


I believe you when you say it has to get better , but i guess living through it I just can't see past the dark place I am

healthyagain

Think of it as if he is doing you a great favor. Technically speaking, to them, we are disposable. As long as we are giving them what they need (whatever that is), they tend to keep us around. But once we put the foot down, they find somebody else (and quite often, this tends to be the mother). But before that, they tend to throw a major fit and hurt us really bad. And betrayal does hurt.

So, what I am trying to say is if he is not trying to contact you or anything, you may consider that a good sign because it means he knows you cannot be manipulated anymore and he is going to use his tentacles on somebody else.

Surround yourself with your good friends, rebuild your social connections, reconnect with your family, enjoy your life and do the things you love and that make you happy. Healing is a process. And it is not linear.

Lilro

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this update! We never know how strong we can be until we have to, right? BIG HUG!
Ro