ProfessorD

This is a significant piece of the puzzle for me, which I have hesitated to confess, even anonymously. I don't know where to post this. I went back and forth, but I'll just post it here...

I decided to be an alcoholic. I made a conscious choice to do it. I can even tell you the date and year. (Actually, even *the day* but I won't.) I remember: I was lying in bed a few years ago, thinking that I wanted to kill myself. I knew I was depressed; I knew things weren't going as I planned. I made a plan. I googled information. I thought how to do it, and then, when...as I laid those plans, I started to feel silly...was life so bad for me, really? Why die when I hadn't even really lived? At the time, I was on a self-imposed 700 calorie diet. I made myself work 24/7. I was an insomniac, a chronic overexerciser. I thought...before you go why not just try letting it all hang out, doing whatever you want...being this out of control person you always feared and hated? In that moment, I thought of a stereotypical "regular" at a bar. It was all a stereotype (I know that now!). But in my head, I thought of an old, wizened, ordering another round for friends, cheering the bartender...going home and pouring out a whiskey neat... it's so weird, but I really thought..."those people" are still here, still have the courage to live. What would that feel like? To spend a day at the pub? To go home to your significant other who is a bartender or a regular? I romanticized it. And I thought, in that desperately unhealthy suicidal moment, at least try that before you give in to the plan to end it...

And so I made a conscious decision: I won't kill myself today but I can drink (or eat) anything I want. So I did! For two years. I drank. I felt better. I felt better and better. I made jokes. I emerged, I made certain kinds of personal and professional gains. I made all the friends I imagined...I became the "regular." I made my romantic image meet my reality. And then...I felt so bad. Worse than before. But not wanting to kill myself, somehow.

I gave into alcoholism to save my life, and so I won't always really hate my AV. My addiction saved my life at one point. I hate to say that, but it's the absolute truth for me.

And (not but!) now I need to quit. What saved me once is killing me.

Thank you for reading.

J50

No wonder alcohol made you feel good. You had been destroying yourself with calorie restriction, lack of sleep, over excercising, and too much work! Just remember that you were the who accomplished those things you were proud of while drinking. You can also do them without the booze!

ScottFromWI

I suspect a lot of my initial drinking was because of anxiety and social awkwardness, and it probably did seem to "work" for me for a while. But looking back, even then it was holding me back in other ways. Regardless of all that though, not drinking is the only option for me now - and "Why" I became an alcoholic really doesn't matter to me all that much. I am, so I plan accordingly.

Dee74

Was watching TV yesterday and there was a story about a woman who got away from a life of familial sexual abuse by marrying a guy she thought would be her knight in shining armour but he turned out to be an alcoholic wife beater.

Sometimes the solution we choose for ourselves turns out to be no better or even worse than the problem we're trying to escape.

I think thats a part of a lot of the stories here. It is in mine.

D

columbus

That's a very interesting insight, PD, hope it leads to a deeper understanding of self.

goodbyeevan

Glad you shared this part of your story profD. Being a regular at a bar is fun for a while. I worked at one for several years and had lots of typical late nights and frequented it on my days off too. Then when i separated from the bar, my carefully planted, watered and thriving alcoholism followed. Then it became clear... my situation was sad and depressing. I couldn't stop. Now those people never text or call and I don't think they are if I'm dead or alive. They certainly dont care that I'm sober. I cannot wait to make real friendships with people that love me for me.

There are so many amazing things to experience in this world, in this life. I hope you never feel like that low again. I hope you know you can message me if you ever do.

Ghostlight1

I drank committing suicide on the instalment plan for twenty five years and I didn't care.
I didn't know I had a mental illness that I was masking the symptoms of by drinking.
I loved dingy bars. I drank at home. I carried booze along with where I went. I was never too far from a drink.
I was invincible. I was invisible. And you better not mess with me because I was a bad ass.
Of course, as I aged, I was a drunk. A seemingly hopeless drunk. I had to drink to feel normal. I also smoked. Two packs a day. Nothing could kill me.

To cut to the chase, all the fun left. I had to drink. Addicted to alcohol. I didn't die. And I well should have. Unseemly places drinking with rough crowds. Fights. And I eventually found myself alone with all the joy I could have gotten out of life behind me. Wasted youth. worked in the entertainment business where drinking was almost a prerequisite.
Then came the bad years. Drinking seemingly not to live, but live I did. If a person could actually say that was living.
All the fear, remorse and anxiety. On me like a wet blanket. Drank still. By then I couldn't stop.

See, I'm a real alcoholic. I oozed booze out of my pores. Suffered terrible withdrawals.
Finally, I chose life and sought help.
It took me many years to stop despite my best intentions. But, with help I was eventually able to quit.
That was nine and a half years ago since alcohol crossed me lips.
Saw friends and coworkers die from alcohol. Real alcoholics. Like me.

Don't know how, or why, I'm alive now but I've been given a second chance in life and I cherish it.
See, I really was on my way to suicide by drink. I just didn't know it.
If you think you're alone in your intentions, go to an AA meeting. You'll hear stories that will curl your hair. Real alcoholics.
Nothing noble or honorable, in some way, about how we drank. I'm a drunk and one drink away from becoming one again.
I survived.
Drink to commit suicide? I've seen it. I lived it and came out the other side.

goodbyeevan

Thank you ghostlight <3

ProfessorD

Thanks everyone--and ghostlight!

I was wrong about everything I assumed. I consider myself a "real" alcoholic now too, which is why I need to quit.

powerful insights and words, as usual Dee. Thanks for your patience and kindness here.

ProfessorD

Goodbyeevan, yes it's been painful to separate my "drinking friends" from my real friends. It's hard to know who really cares about you. That's partly why SR is so important to my process of recovery. I need sober friends and support to pull through. Thanks for being one of them

joandmelandhan

ProfD I hope you have found some relief after letting that out sweetheart. You are very brave.
It's just mad to think what a mentally unwell mind thinks is a suitable way out. Poor you stuck in such a situation where alcoholism is a positive step at the time.
What you mustn't do is blame yourself for somehow bringing this on yourself. Who amongst us knew where our relationship with alcohol would lead?
When I was a child I used to have secret fantasies that I would get a terminal illness so that I didn't have to go to school to face the pressure and the bullies and everyone would like me. Those thoughts were a representation of a little girl in pain. Just like you when you set out drinking as an escape.
I feel like you need to start forgiving yourself for what was not a rational decision. You were ill. Your journey from now on will hopefully allow you to grow and bit by bit make better decisions. Lots of love xxx

ProfessorD

Thanks, joandmelandhan! Yes, I do think I was ill. It's strange now, because I am not as depressed and otherwise love my life...but now I have this addiction to contend with. One step at a time, I guess. I really am grateful for another day.

joandmelandhan

Good I'm glad!
Another day of freedom from that poison is always something to be grateful for!

Ladysadie

I more than understand what you've shared. Liquid backbone. But now that you are "self-actualized" you are in a different phase of life. Redraw your blueprint on what your goals are now, what you want your life to look like. The sober lens will give you more clarity and perspective.

Stayingsassy

Interesting perspective. I've always been an alcoholic, but in 2015 I made the decision to drink all the liquor or no carbohydrate alcohol i wanted as long as I permanently stopped eating anything but protein and vegetables.

I lost 60 pounds. My husband became super interested in the bedroom. I got all kinds of attention from men that I hadn't had for many years. Everyone seemed to want to be with me and women wanted to BE me. Asking me how I did it, telling me they wish they could, asking for tips...

I got into makeup and clothes again. I went out with husband and the girls a lot. Then I starting drinking more because I was restricting food so much. Drinking at home on every day off, drinking all day, drinking in the car on road trips. My behavior became erratic and I started becoming suspicious of my husband and lashing out, blaming him for all kinds of things he hadnt done.

My behavior became more and more bizarre, there was public embarrassment, my family was on tiptoes, my kids were freaked out, my husband almost started divorce proceedings.

I rarely sobered up completely (I took days off but never more than a couple) and became mentally ill. I believed people were out to get me. I encouraged men to message me all the time, I took selfies and put them on social media, I took naked pictures of myself and sent them to my husband and he'd accidentally open them at work, I sent bizarre texts to people in my blackouts accusing them of cheating with my husband, I sent texts to family of people telling them their family member was cheating or out to get me....etc. Etc. Etc.

Somehow that weight loss and new look really backfired on me. "Pretty" only goes so far, people, especially when you have become an out of control, unpredictable, crazy alcoholic.

Sorry for that rant....it's just that I can relate.

ProfessorD

Thanks for sharing, Sassy. I'm sorry about your experience. I hope things are better now!

Stayingsassy

It's all good. Sober seven months and peaceful as can be, family intact! Self dignity is a wonderful thing.

Red78

I can kinda relate ProfD about the part of.choosing to be an alcoholic.
When I was a teenager I watched the basketball diaries.. for some reason I decided after that movie that I wanted to have a problem too, I wanted an addiction. I choose alcohol, so stupid. I didn't have mental illness, nor a bad upbringing, no abuse, just a need to rebel against a controlling mum, who is now a best friend..
I wish I didn't choose that, would've been a very different life..

lessgravity

Nice to see you posting and sharing Prof. How are you today?

I can relate in a different but similar way and that's the classic idealizing of the creative drunk - ala Jim Morrison, Bukowski, Robert Lowell, Denis Johnson, and on and on. I was a very sensitive young man who, for many reasons I can identify now, turned to booze and pot and other crap and justified it, and certainly in fact enjoyed it for many years a long time ago, because I thought something about the experience added insight and depth to my life.

And maybe, in some ways, it did. But that was a long long time ago.

Anyhow I see at least in your story the same, in the end futile, attempt to create meaning out of the bottle. The same searching. And the same failure.

Thank you for sharing Prof. Got me thinking early this Sunday morning.

Btw, if you don't mind me asking, what type of research do you do?

Wholesome

Funny how what can seem like an escape is actually a trap.