Support System crumbling...
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Support System crumbling...
Lately my mom, grandma and some of my other family members have been not as supportive as they were in the beginning of my divorce from my STBAXH. Yesterday my grandma and mom got onto me about making sure I don't make my AXH upset or he will call the police on me or try to take kids away. I'm sitting here thinking really I've been the only stable parent my sons have had. I told them about the stipulations I've added to visits they think I shouldn't enforce them too much. I'm so hurt and upset. I feel so alone. I feel like I'm the only one trying to protect my kids. They don't like my ex but they think he will retaliate against me if I continue to stand up against him. The only person I have to talk to about things is my friend who's husband is a drug addict and this forum. I don't know what to do?? I'm wrong for wanting to protect my kids?? Why does my family have to make things harder for me? Why can't they just be supportive??
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
is it possible that addiction and/or codependency come into play? for THEM? that sure sounds like Don't Rock the Boat. Don't make a scene. What will people think?
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are you attending any face to face support....like Alanon or the like? it's tough when our family cannot provide the support we desire, but they can't be EVERYTHING, like a Walmart. And not all families can offer the guidance we seek!
It's ok to not talk to them as in depth, keep it high level, not take their word as law, and find other sources of the support you need!
my mom passed away when i was in my early 30s....the "wisdom" she ever shared with me amounted to this:
1) don't ride around in cars with boys
2) never trust a man in white shoes
3) don't throw good money after bad
4) never trust a blinker (car signal)
while each are useful in their own right, they don't quite cover the spectrum of life. so i had to find other oracles of truth!!!
It's ok to not talk to them as in depth, keep it high level, not take their word as law, and find other sources of the support you need!
my mom passed away when i was in my early 30s....the "wisdom" she ever shared with me amounted to this:
1) don't ride around in cars with boys
2) never trust a man in white shoes
3) don't throw good money after bad
4) never trust a blinker (car signal)
while each are useful in their own right, they don't quite cover the spectrum of life. so i had to find other oracles of truth!!!
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Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I remember your stipulations. They were perfectly reasonable. If you are concerned about retaliation, I would reach out to a local domestic violence organization and ask for their advice.
THAT said, I agree that families can be weird.
When I was eight or so, my cousin and I fought over a kite. He twisted my arm so hard that I started crying. My father saw the whole thing go down and told me that he was our guest and I shouldn't be angry at him. That got me even more upset, and I ranted and railed about how unfair it was in front of my cousin. I also told my cousin that I hated him.
Later on, my cousin told me that that he was going to kill me in front of his mother. My dad expected the mom to say something, but she didn't. He said later he deeply regretted not saying anything at the moment, but the rules of hospitality required him to say nothing.
My cousin went after other female members of my family, including my sister, but he never again went after me. Was it because of that day? Who knows? One thing's for sure, I'm still completely bewildered about the way my family turned a blind eye to how awful he was. My cousin even abused his younger siblings to the point that they ended up in foster care. The school noticed the bruises and reported him; his parents were so passive that they didn't do anything. As he got older and abused others, they would even hide his victims in their house until the marks disappeared.
Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he didn't touch me, but the fact that I was never his victim isolated me from the rest of my family. I wasn't polite. I wasn't NICE.
Does it suck that my family doesn't know what to make of me? Yes. Would I tell him that I hated him again if I had a chance for a do-over? You bet I would.
Letting him know that you are not someone to be messed with IS a way of protecting your family. The fact that defining perfectly reasonable boundaries, like "don't drink around the kids", can be interpreted as provocation is quite frankly pretty nuts. God forbid that something happened to your kids - the excuse "I didn't want to make him mad so I ignored his drinking" is not going to cut it.
THAT said, I agree that families can be weird.
When I was eight or so, my cousin and I fought over a kite. He twisted my arm so hard that I started crying. My father saw the whole thing go down and told me that he was our guest and I shouldn't be angry at him. That got me even more upset, and I ranted and railed about how unfair it was in front of my cousin. I also told my cousin that I hated him.
Later on, my cousin told me that that he was going to kill me in front of his mother. My dad expected the mom to say something, but she didn't. He said later he deeply regretted not saying anything at the moment, but the rules of hospitality required him to say nothing.
My cousin went after other female members of my family, including my sister, but he never again went after me. Was it because of that day? Who knows? One thing's for sure, I'm still completely bewildered about the way my family turned a blind eye to how awful he was. My cousin even abused his younger siblings to the point that they ended up in foster care. The school noticed the bruises and reported him; his parents were so passive that they didn't do anything. As he got older and abused others, they would even hide his victims in their house until the marks disappeared.
Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he didn't touch me, but the fact that I was never his victim isolated me from the rest of my family. I wasn't polite. I wasn't NICE.
Does it suck that my family doesn't know what to make of me? Yes. Would I tell him that I hated him again if I had a chance for a do-over? You bet I would.
Letting him know that you are not someone to be messed with IS a way of protecting your family. The fact that defining perfectly reasonable boundaries, like "don't drink around the kids", can be interpreted as provocation is quite frankly pretty nuts. God forbid that something happened to your kids - the excuse "I didn't want to make him mad so I ignored his drinking" is not going to cut it.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
are you attending any face to face support....like Alanon or the like? it's tough when our family cannot provide the support we desire, but they can't be EVERYTHING, like a Walmart. And not all families can offer the guidance we seek!
It's ok to not talk to them as in depth, keep it high level, not take their word as law, and find other sources of the support you need!
my mom passed away when i was in my early 30s....the "wisdom" she ever shared with me amounted to this:
1) don't ride around in cars with boys
2) never trust a man in white shoes
3) don't throw good money after bad
4) never trust a blinker (car signal)
while each are useful in their own right, they don't quite cover the spectrum of life. so i had to find other oracles of truth!!!
It's ok to not talk to them as in depth, keep it high level, not take their word as law, and find other sources of the support you need!
my mom passed away when i was in my early 30s....the "wisdom" she ever shared with me amounted to this:
1) don't ride around in cars with boys
2) never trust a man in white shoes
3) don't throw good money after bad
4) never trust a blinker (car signal)
while each are useful in their own right, they don't quite cover the spectrum of life. so i had to find other oracles of truth!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
I think the best support possible is found at Alanon, where we understand each other. You can't expect people who aren't addicts/codependents to completely "get it".
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
I remember your stipulations. They were perfectly reasonable. If you are concerned about retaliation, I would reach out to a local domestic violence organization and ask for their advice.
THAT said, I agree that families can
When I was eight or so, my cousin and I fought over a kite. He twisted my arm so hard that I started crying. My father saw the whole thing go down and told me that he was our guest and I shouldn't be angry at him. That got me even more upset, and I ranted and railed about how unfair it was in front of my cousin. I also told my cousin that I hated him.
Later on, my cousin told me that that he was going to kill me in front of his mother. My dad expected the mom to say something, but she didn't. He said later he deeply regretted not saying anything at the moment, but the rules of hospitality required him to say nothing.
My cousin went after other female members of my family, including my sister, but he never again went after me. Was it because of that day? Who knows? One thing's for sure, I'm still completely bewildered about the way my family turned a blind eye to how awful he was. My cousin even abused his younger siblings to the point that they ended up in foster care. The school noticed the bruises and reported him; his parents were so passive that they didn't do anything. As he got older and abused others, they would even hide his victims in their house until the marks disappeared.
Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he didn't touch me, but the fact that I was never his victim isolated me from the rest of my family. I wasn't polite. I wasn't NICE.
Does it suck that my family doesn't know what to make of me? Yes. Would I tell him that I hated him again if I had a chance for a do-over? You bet I would.
Letting him know that you are not someone to be messed with IS a way of protecting your family. The fact that defining perfectly reasonable boundaries, like "don't drink around the kids", can be interpreted as provocation is quite frankly pretty nuts. God forbid that something happened to your kids - the excuse "I didn't want to make him mad so I ignored his drinking" is not going to cut it.
THAT said, I agree that families can
When I was eight or so, my cousin and I fought over a kite. He twisted my arm so hard that I started crying. My father saw the whole thing go down and told me that he was our guest and I shouldn't be angry at him. That got me even more upset, and I ranted and railed about how unfair it was in front of my cousin. I also told my cousin that I hated him.
Later on, my cousin told me that that he was going to kill me in front of his mother. My dad expected the mom to say something, but she didn't. He said later he deeply regretted not saying anything at the moment, but the rules of hospitality required him to say nothing.
My cousin went after other female members of my family, including my sister, but he never again went after me. Was it because of that day? Who knows? One thing's for sure, I'm still completely bewildered about the way my family turned a blind eye to how awful he was. My cousin even abused his younger siblings to the point that they ended up in foster care. The school noticed the bruises and reported him; his parents were so passive that they didn't do anything. As he got older and abused others, they would even hide his victims in their house until the marks disappeared.
Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he didn't touch me, but the fact that I was never his victim isolated me from the rest of my family. I wasn't polite. I wasn't NICE.
Does it suck that my family doesn't know what to make of me? Yes. Would I tell him that I hated him again if I had a chance for a do-over? You bet I would.
Letting him know that you are not someone to be messed with IS a way of protecting your family. The fact that defining perfectly reasonable boundaries, like "don't drink around the kids", can be interpreted as provocation is quite frankly pretty nuts. God forbid that something happened to your kids - the excuse "I didn't want to make him mad so I ignored his drinking" is not going to cut it.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by mamabear26
AnviheadII, I have only attended one meeting. It's hard because I have to drive about 30 miles to the nearest meeting..
a couple meetings in the town i lived in. next closest meeting= 52 mile round trip.
i put a LOT of miles down because i wanted recovery.
on top of working a full time job( where i drove 80 miles round trip), being the caregiver of my mother who had dimentia and lived with me, taking care of the home.........
i couldnt count on my family for support because they didnt understand which meant they didnt have anything to offer for support.
them rides to meetings?
some of the best thinking time by myself.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by mamabear26
Yes it does sounds like that. I'm so frustrated I feel like shutting down and not even speak to them if they continue with the comments. I come from a very traditional family where divorce doesn't happen but I've dealt the cards I have. I told them I'm never gonna give up fighting for my kids to have a healthy and safe childhood.
I have had to stop talking to my sister and a very close friend about certain things. It's hard, but their input was becoming unhealthy for me. Is there anyone else you can talk to about these topics? Another friend?
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Most Alanon meetings have phone lists available. Calling other members creates a new support network of people who understand.
I've been to many meetings I had to drive for hours to get to. Saved. My. Life.
I got to where I really enjoyed the travel time in new ways. Music on. Sometimes I listened to Alanon speaker cds.
I've been to many meetings I had to drive for hours to get to. Saved. My. Life.
I got to where I really enjoyed the travel time in new ways. Music on. Sometimes I listened to Alanon speaker cds.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I think sometimes female anger or feistiness makes other females uncomfortable.
Especially those of another generation.
I don’t know your family, but, in mine, women of a certain age were taught to always defer to men.
Men knew best, made the decisions, were listened to whether they were right or wrong.
Which is kinda interesting as both my grandmothers were the breadwinners because their alcoholic spouses couldn’t keeps jobs.
Stay your course, and don’t let your family members get you down.
Just cuz they’re family doesn’t mean they always have your back.
Al-Anon is a very supportive place.
Especially those of another generation.
I don’t know your family, but, in mine, women of a certain age were taught to always defer to men.
Men knew best, made the decisions, were listened to whether they were right or wrong.
Which is kinda interesting as both my grandmothers were the breadwinners because their alcoholic spouses couldn’t keeps jobs.
Stay your course, and don’t let your family members get you down.
Just cuz they’re family doesn’t mean they always have your back.
Al-Anon is a very supportive place.
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Posts: 16,246
m amabear...my thinking is along the same lines as maudcat.....that your family members must be from a generation and culture that is more patriarchal, in nature. This is the stuff that they were taught and it is in their bones, by now. You aren't going to change them. This doesn't mean that they don't love you and want things to "work out" for you.....they are just what they are.....
I think that every generation, that is younger that the past one, are going to have so m e different belief's....than their parents or grandparents.
LOL...have you ever heard of the "generation gap"? I think you are looking at it....lol...
If I could tell you the story of my life...you would k now that I know exactly what you are talking about...because I had to deal with the family approval and cultural mores thing...Big time!!
Thankfully, for me...I moved about 500 miles away when I got married for the first time....That made things soo much easier for me. And...I was accidently, smart enough to adopt the attitude....tell senior family members only what they "Need to Know". That probably saved my relationships with them.
I never told them how the cow ate the cabbage...just, that the cabbage had been eaten.....sometimes. There were some things that I never even mentioned, to them.....
I thin that, maybe, you are faced with completing the developmental stage of individuation from your parents/grandparents/caregivers.....becoming a distinct and separate person, in your own right.....No longer needing their complete approval and support for everything that you believe or do. Your decisions are your own....based on your own experiences and needs, in life....
Not that there is less love and sharing of good things and good times and mutual support....but...that you are a different person than they are...and, learning to become comfortable with that.....
There may be a silver lining to this...in the long run....You may need to broaden your personal social circle...and, obtain some of your needs from others...friends, acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors, etc.
Trust me....it is all out there....we are very social creatures...and it takes a whole village....and, nobody can be everything to us....we pluck from where we can.....
Lol...I became quite long-winded....but, I am just trying to say that you don't need to tell them everything.....
I think that every generation, that is younger that the past one, are going to have so m e different belief's....than their parents or grandparents.
LOL...have you ever heard of the "generation gap"? I think you are looking at it....lol...
If I could tell you the story of my life...you would k now that I know exactly what you are talking about...because I had to deal with the family approval and cultural mores thing...Big time!!
Thankfully, for me...I moved about 500 miles away when I got married for the first time....That made things soo much easier for me. And...I was accidently, smart enough to adopt the attitude....tell senior family members only what they "Need to Know". That probably saved my relationships with them.
I never told them how the cow ate the cabbage...just, that the cabbage had been eaten.....sometimes. There were some things that I never even mentioned, to them.....
I thin that, maybe, you are faced with completing the developmental stage of individuation from your parents/grandparents/caregivers.....becoming a distinct and separate person, in your own right.....No longer needing their complete approval and support for everything that you believe or do. Your decisions are your own....based on your own experiences and needs, in life....
Not that there is less love and sharing of good things and good times and mutual support....but...that you are a different person than they are...and, learning to become comfortable with that.....
There may be a silver lining to this...in the long run....You may need to broaden your personal social circle...and, obtain some of your needs from others...friends, acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors, etc.
Trust me....it is all out there....we are very social creatures...and it takes a whole village....and, nobody can be everything to us....we pluck from where we can.....
Lol...I became quite long-winded....but, I am just trying to say that you don't need to tell them everything.....
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
My family were a nightmare when I divorced exah. My family hated him but you'd not think so to hear them going on. My father said if I showed a good example to him and never drank myself he would stop. Yeah right like that was ever going to happen. I hardly drank anyway. My whole family except one sister do not speak to me anymore. I found it best to keep them out of my plans. Hardly anyone gets it as I've just said on another thread. It's best to keep them in the dark tbh.
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Originally Posted by Clover71
I have had to stop talking to my sister and a very close friend about certain things. It's hard, but their input was becoming unhealthy for me. Is there anyone else you can talk to about these topics? Another friend?
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Originally Posted by Maudcat
I think sometimes female anger or feistiness makes other females uncomfortable.
Especially those of another generation.
I don’t know your family, but, in mine, women of a certain age were taught to always defer to men.
Men knew best, made the decisions, were listened to whether they were right or wrong.
Which is kinda interesting as both my grandmothers were the breadwinners because their alcoholic spouses couldn’t keeps jobs.
Stay your course, and don’t let your family members get you down.
Just cuz they’re family doesn’t mean they always have your back.
Al-Anon is a very supportive place.
Especially those of another generation.
I don’t know your family, but, in mine, women of a certain age were taught to always defer to men.
Men knew best, made the decisions, were listened to whether they were right or wrong.
Which is kinda interesting as both my grandmothers were the breadwinners because their alcoholic spouses couldn’t keeps jobs.
Stay your course, and don’t let your family members get you down.
Just cuz they’re family doesn’t mean they always have your back.
Al-Anon is a very supportive place.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Originally Posted by dandylion
m amabear...my thinking is along the same lines as maudcat.....that your family members must be from a generation and culture that is more patriarchal, in nature. This is the stuff that they were taught and it is in their bones, by now. You aren't going to change them. This doesn't mean that they don't love you and want things to "work out" for you.....they are just what they are.....
I think that every generation, that is younger that the past one, are going to have so m e different belief's....than their parents or grandparents.
LOL...have you ever heard of the "generation gap"? I think you are looking at it....lol...
If I could tell you the story of my life...you would k now that I know exactly what you are talking about...because I had to deal with the family approval and cultural mores thing...Big time!!
Thankfully, for me...I moved about 500 miles away when I got married for the first time....That made things soo much easier for me. And...I was accidently, smart enough to adopt the attitude....tell senior family members only what they "Need to Know". That probably saved my relationships with them.
I never told them how the cow ate the cabbage...just, that the cabbage had been eaten.....sometimes. There were some things that I never even mentioned, to them.....
I thin that, maybe, you are faced with completing the developmental stage of individuation from your parents/grandparents/caregivers.....becoming a distinct and separate person, in your own right.....No longer needing their complete approval and support for everything that you believe or do. Your decisions are your own....based on your own experiences and needs, in life....
Not that there is less love and sharing of good things and good times and mutual support....but...that you are a different person than they are...and, learning to become comfortable with that.....
There may be a silver lining to this...in the long run....You may need to broaden your personal social circle...and, obtain some of your needs from others...friends, acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors, etc.
Trust me....it is all out there....we are very social creatures...and it takes a whole village....and, nobody can be everything to us....we pluck from where we can.....
Lol...I became quite long-winded....but, I am just trying to say that you don't need to tell them everything.....
I think that every generation, that is younger that the past one, are going to have so m e different belief's....than their parents or grandparents.
LOL...have you ever heard of the "generation gap"? I think you are looking at it....lol...
If I could tell you the story of my life...you would k now that I know exactly what you are talking about...because I had to deal with the family approval and cultural mores thing...Big time!!
Thankfully, for me...I moved about 500 miles away when I got married for the first time....That made things soo much easier for me. And...I was accidently, smart enough to adopt the attitude....tell senior family members only what they "Need to Know". That probably saved my relationships with them.
I never told them how the cow ate the cabbage...just, that the cabbage had been eaten.....sometimes. There were some things that I never even mentioned, to them.....
I thin that, maybe, you are faced with completing the developmental stage of individuation from your parents/grandparents/caregivers.....becoming a distinct and separate person, in your own right.....No longer needing their complete approval and support for everything that you believe or do. Your decisions are your own....based on your own experiences and needs, in life....
Not that there is less love and sharing of good things and good times and mutual support....but...that you are a different person than they are...and, learning to become comfortable with that.....
There may be a silver lining to this...in the long run....You may need to broaden your personal social circle...and, obtain some of your needs from others...friends, acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors, etc.
Trust me....it is all out there....we are very social creatures...and it takes a whole village....and, nobody can be everything to us....we pluck from where we can.....
Lol...I became quite long-winded....but, I am just trying to say that you don't need to tell them everything.....
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579
My family were a nightmare when I divorced exah. My family hated him but you'd not think so to hear them going on. My father said if I showed a good example to him and never drank myself he would stop. Yeah right like that was ever going to happen. I hardly drank anyway. My whole family except one sister do not speak to me anymore. I found it best to keep them out of my plans. Hardly anyone gets it as I've just said on another thread. It's best to keep them in the dark tbh.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
Originally Posted by mamabear26
Lately my mom, grandma and some of my other family members have been not as supportive as they were in the beginning of my divorce from my STBAXH.
Divorce him yes! He is no good! etc etc
As you well know, there are now practical matters that have to be taken care of. Your family is probably well aware of the fact that he is not stable. So while their concern seems counter to what you need to do, they really do care, i'm sure.
You know the facts and you know what you have to do. I agree with everyone else that maybe sharing the details with them at this time isn't the best thing for you.
Hang in there!
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