PhoenixRising211

Hello All,

For some reason, I am really struggling, this week. I have gone no contact with my AXBF, since April 16. Haven't seen him in about 3-months. He was physically and emotionally abusive. Drinking whiskey in his coffee, in the morning and 10-20 beers a day. Tons of women on the side. And now he's buying a motel in Cost Rica to go along with the one he already has in the mountains (thanks to his parents writing him a $75k check). His parents and best friend bail him out at every turn. His Best Friend has 4-DUIs and his entire group of friends show a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

I got my motorcycle license, last weekend. I've been making summer plans....one would think I was moving on and moving forward.

For some reason, I miss him one minute, the next I am so angry at him, at myself, then i feel relieved he's gone, then i miss him again?! Is this normal? He was downright terrible to me at times. The absolute worst, and yet somehow I miss him?! Feeling out of whack.

Thanks for reading. I will be grateful when I feel more like myself, again. Just not quite there, yet, I guess.

Clover71

The loss of a relationship is like a death - it's a major life change.

How are you hearing about all his plans? Perhaps you have to cut that head off that snake.


Riding a motorcycle sounds like fun. I like to ride dirt bikes. Make your plans and enjoy

amy55

This is all absolutely normal. You went thru so many ups and downs and living in limbo, never knowing how things are going to turn out, I think sometimes that raises the adrenaline level, and when things are quiet and calm and you feel relaxed you start to doubt yourself.

You'll get there. It took me a long time to be at peace with everything, but I found that peace and it is so much better then the turmoil I lived in day in and day out.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

Leelee168

We are living a parallel life right now. I miss the person that he was a long time ago and the good times we had; last night I cried thinking that I wasn’t going to be part of the annual Vegas trip—even though every year he got so drunk and treated me poorly while we were there. Then I think I’m some sort of weird masochist for missing things that were hurtful. It’s what I knew. For so long, there was some kind of hope that he would get sober and things would be like the old days. That’s never going to happen. There is so much loss. And yes, as I posted, I sometimes feel badly for him that he could have had such a good life, and really the life he wanted, and he’s thrown it away. I can’t let him throw away all I have worked for and my peace of mind.

I hope that you are feeling better today <3

Seren

Oh, yes, absolutely normal. Not fun, but very normal. Hang in there...and enjoy your summer!!

Clover71

Or maybe missing how you dreamed those things could be.

((Hugs))

I am trying very hard right now to turn those old dreams into new ones and release resentment about having those old dreams fail. I'm still in early stages, so I don't know how that will all work out.

trailmix

This.

He would have been great IF, he wasn't an addict, didn't cheat, wasn't abusive and a liar.

But he was and he is.

Maybe if it wasn't for the addiction he would be a stand up guy? Maybe you see some part of him that's truly amazing, but he's damaged?

If he were making some kind of heroic effort to change his life and be respectful to you and the relationship - but that's a lot of maybes and ifs and not the facts.

I was in a relationship once that was really not right for me and bad for me. I hung in there for almost 2 years. Finally I realized that I was trusting my precious feelings to someone who was manipulative.

Why would I give him the opportunity to hurt me, someone I could not trust? Honestly that scared me more than cutting him loose (which I did).

I still missed him from time to time, particularly in the beginning, he did have some good characteristics. Now, a couple of years on I could care less where he is, what he's doing and i'm happy to never hear from him again.

You need to stick up for yourself, no one else can do that for you in this case. Don't let him hurt you anymore, you deserve someone who thinks you are precious, not someone who is less than careful with your feelings.

Clover71

" I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."
Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

firebolt

It's going to ebb and flow like the tides for a while...but I promise you, the only way out is through, and you are marching right that way! Peace and strength!!

PhoenixRising211

Hello Clover,
Sorry for the delay, I didn't have much reception to post a reply, this weekend. I knew of his plans, prior to going to contact. Admittedly I am friends with some of his friends on FB, although I unfollowed them so I can't see their posts. I am avoiding going to the mountains so that I can't bump into them. I have chosen other destinations and distractions. Great advice that this is like mourning a death. I have been researching the stages of grief. I just keep reminding myself, that this is a gain, not a loss. I have to see it as a new adventure.
Thank you, Clover

PhoenixRising211

This completely resonates with me. Makes total sense....the adrenaline rush. It is addicting, in its own right. I feel like every day I'm not with him and I don't contact him is another day of healing I can put under my belt.
I do appreciate the peace I have, now, over the day in and day out of his rollercoaster.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))))

PhoenixRising211

Oh LeeLee, my heart is with you. We ARE living a parallel life. I completely understand the feeling of missing out on events. But then I realize, too, that it would've been miserable and he would've be treating my horribly and baiting me into arguments and pitting me against other women, making me feel less than. AWFUL. Don't miss that. It's not worth it.
And I see what he is throwing away, also. But I completely agree, I can't let him take me down with him.
Even if I went to Costa Rica when he has his motel, it would come at too great a cost. It wouldn't be fun. It would be as described above. I would have more fun staying at a place where I don't know the owner. How sad is it to say that?!
He couldnt even honor the road trip on my birthday, I can only imagine making international travel plans based on him. Not a good idea.
It's time for me to take good care of myself.
Sending you a huge hug!

PhoenixRising211

Thank you, Seren! Just made some fun travel plans. Eyes forward. Can't look back, that's the trick. hugs!

PhoenixRising211

Clover, excellent point. You're right, he has never been who I dreamed he would be or he he led me to believe he was, in the beginning. That fell apart in weeks. I can't worry about him, just have to focus on being happy.
Thank you!

PhoenixRising211

This his hard, in a good way. Struck right to the center. What is he doing to make it better? Nothing. In fact, he was throwing it all in my face last time I saw him. He was mad at me for thinking pot gummies on top of 20-beers was excessive. He got in face about it. Right after he almost cut off all his fingers trying to chop an onion. Even the fun times weren't fun. it was like he HAD to ruin them.
We were having a great time snowmobiling with his friends. I took photos and videos of them, one was in from out of town. I asked for a kiss and I think that did me in.
Not 5-minutes later he was SCREAMING in my face because I wanted to wait for them at the top of a trail. They were coming back up. He said "Grow a set". Wow. Recreational snowmobiling and I'm getting yelled at. Why did I put up with that? Ugh!
Good points, well taken. Thank you!

PhoenixRising211

I'm picking up, this book! Thank you!

PhoenixRising211

Thank you! One day at a time. Just have to get through it. Head down, eyes forward.
As I look back, every ex has had some alcohol abuse of varying degrees.
I'm so afraid I'll just keep choosing the same guy. I'm petrified to try dating again. I feel like I'm going to be single forever. Trying to make friends with that fact. Better make it interesting if I'm going to be on my own
I have to use this guy because he's hilarious....

firebolt

Yep - I could have written that myself.

Dating has been good practice for me now that I am aware though!!

Just a much needed exercise in flexing those 'NO, THIS ISN'T FOR ME' muscles.

I'm pretty happy solo right now. Everything I have is dedicated to my own happiness, and my outlook on dating has shifted from finding a partner, to just meeting people to see if they should be anywhere near my life or not....and putting NO thought into what happens after that.

It takes time, and you are doing all the right things!!

Clover71

The parallel life can be truly unbearable.

PhoenixRising211

Truth. But as much as I miss the good parts of him...they were so few and far between. And the bad certainly outweighed the good.
I know I'm in a better place, without him.
Grateful to be putting it behind me. I know I deserve better than what he put me through. Even if "better" means being single and showing myself all that intense love I so freely gave to him. He didn't appreciate it, so now it's for me Selfish, but in a self-care way.