It's OK to leave after they recover/get sober - I did
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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It's OK to leave after they recover/get sober - I did
I've been reading a lot of posts lately about people feeling guilty about moving on after the A seeks recovery (or in some cases an "attempt"...quotes intended of sobriety).
I just wanted to share that I left my XRAH even though he sought recovery. I first left when he was still drinking with intentions of returning should he seek recovery...he did seek recovery and after one relapse maintained it (over 3 years now)....but I did NOT go back. The reason: when *I* recovered I changed slowly into my true authentic self...and I realized a few things:
1. He and I were VERY different people. I as a codie had lost myself and adapted his likes, desires and wants as my own - recovery helped me come into my own and realize I was very different than him.
2. he and I had different views and aspects on living life
3. Too much had happened for me to want to return
It's not that I don't care about him - we are actually still friends...but it's that I recovered enough to know that relationship was in the past and not what I wanted. I'm happily single (and not really looking but not closed to the idea) and I wouldn't have it any other way. I would never want to be in a relationship out of obligation guilt or the for the worst reason of all: just not to be "alone"...the loneliest place to be is in a relationship that doesn't work or make me happy. I may be single but I am NOT alone at all! I'm raising a child on my own (IVF and surrogacy) and while it's hard it was the best choice for me!
I just wanted to share all that for the people thinking or feeling guilt about moving on after the A recovers. It's OK to do what's best and right for you!
I just wanted to share that I left my XRAH even though he sought recovery. I first left when he was still drinking with intentions of returning should he seek recovery...he did seek recovery and after one relapse maintained it (over 3 years now)....but I did NOT go back. The reason: when *I* recovered I changed slowly into my true authentic self...and I realized a few things:
1. He and I were VERY different people. I as a codie had lost myself and adapted his likes, desires and wants as my own - recovery helped me come into my own and realize I was very different than him.
2. he and I had different views and aspects on living life
3. Too much had happened for me to want to return
It's not that I don't care about him - we are actually still friends...but it's that I recovered enough to know that relationship was in the past and not what I wanted. I'm happily single (and not really looking but not closed to the idea) and I wouldn't have it any other way. I would never want to be in a relationship out of obligation guilt or the for the worst reason of all: just not to be "alone"...the loneliest place to be is in a relationship that doesn't work or make me happy. I may be single but I am NOT alone at all! I'm raising a child on my own (IVF and surrogacy) and while it's hard it was the best choice for me!
I just wanted to share all that for the people thinking or feeling guilt about moving on after the A recovers. It's OK to do what's best and right for you!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Thank you so much for posting this. You are 100% correct in saying it's ok to leave. Sometimes the relationship is beyond repair and sometimes, when one or both people jump into recovery, it just no longer works. Hope we add this to the "stickeys".
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by Aeryn 
I've been reading a lot of posts lately about people feeling guilty about moving on after the A seeks recovery (or in some cases an "attempt"...quotes intended of sobriety).
I just wanted to share that I left my XRAH even though he sought recovery. I first left when he was still drinking with intentions of returning should he seek recovery...he did seek recovery and after one relapse maintained it (over 3 years now)....but I did NOT go back. The reason: when *I* recovered I changed slowly into my true authentic self...and I realized a few things:
1. He and I were VERY different people. I as a codie had lost myself and adapted his likes, desires and wants as my own - recovery helped me come into my own and realize I was very different than him.
2. he and I had different views and aspects on living life
3. Too much had happened for me to want to return
It's not that I don't care about him - we are actually still friends...but it's that I recovered enough to know that relationship was in the past and not what I wanted. I'm happily single (and not really looking but not closed to the idea) and I wouldn't have it any other way. I would never want to be in a relationship out of obligation guilt or the for the worst reason of all: just not to be "alone"...the loneliest place to be is in a relationship that doesn't work or make me happy. I may be single but I am NOT alone at all! I'm raising a child on my own (IVF and surrogacy) and while it's hard it was the best choice for me!
I just wanted to share all that for the people thinking or feeling guilt about moving on after the A recovers. It's OK to do what's best and right for you!
I just wanted to share that I left my XRAH even though he sought recovery. I first left when he was still drinking with intentions of returning should he seek recovery...he did seek recovery and after one relapse maintained it (over 3 years now)....but I did NOT go back. The reason: when *I* recovered I changed slowly into my true authentic self...and I realized a few things:
1. He and I were VERY different people. I as a codie had lost myself and adapted his likes, desires and wants as my own - recovery helped me come into my own and realize I was very different than him.
2. he and I had different views and aspects on living life
3. Too much had happened for me to want to return
It's not that I don't care about him - we are actually still friends...but it's that I recovered enough to know that relationship was in the past and not what I wanted. I'm happily single (and not really looking but not closed to the idea) and I wouldn't have it any other way. I would never want to be in a relationship out of obligation guilt or the for the worst reason of all: just not to be "alone"...the loneliest place to be is in a relationship that doesn't work or make me happy. I may be single but I am NOT alone at all! I'm raising a child on my own (IVF and surrogacy) and while it's hard it was the best choice for me!
I just wanted to share all that for the people thinking or feeling guilt about moving on after the A recovers. It's OK to do what's best and right for you!
Thank you
. Great post. It resonates with me even though my AH is still drinking. There won't be any altimatums from me because it's over and I'm a different person now and want different things
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Thank you for this. I’ve been struggling with a lot of guilt over not being able to make it work. My RAH has been clean for 18 months but when I gave him and ultimatum at that time I was ready to walk out. He just doesn’t understand how damaging especially the last few years were. I’ve hung in there becuse we have a kid an it’s a second marriage for both. But we have started the divorce process. I really feel like I can’t recover from this the way I should to be a functional married couple, it’s been very tough to accept in a way. Our marriage counselor never missed an opportunity to say that the grass won’t be greener and that couples are happier than single people and lots more to that extent (I told him off a few times and also told him I felt like he was just jealous because his first wife never got clean not even after he left with the kids, and that he just can’t understand why I’m not falling all over myself to r connect with my RAH becuse he never had that chance....).
This post comes at a good time for me because I’m good at second guessing and doubting. But I know that if it wasn’t for my kid I would’ve probably not even given an ultimatum and just left. My kid and custody issues are my biggest worry. That’s why it has taken me so long, my RAH is the one that just couldn’t handle it anymore and decided for me. I’m sad over the loss of marriage but recent reactions really made me question if he will ever really stop being that way. He has changed a lot but it just came too late for me ☹️
Glad to see you’re very happy single. I know logically that lots of poêle get divorced and are much happier after but when a counselor keeps saying how basically the only right way is to stay married it’s easy too start doubting...
This post comes at a good time for me because I’m good at second guessing and doubting. But I know that if it wasn’t for my kid I would’ve probably not even given an ultimatum and just left. My kid and custody issues are my biggest worry. That’s why it has taken me so long, my RAH is the one that just couldn’t handle it anymore and decided for me. I’m sad over the loss of marriage but recent reactions really made me question if he will ever really stop being that way. He has changed a lot but it just came too late for me ☹️
Glad to see you’re very happy single. I know logically that lots of poêle get divorced and are much happier after but when a counselor keeps saying how basically the only right way is to stay married it’s easy too start doubting...
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
Originally Posted by Sleepyhollo
Thank you for this. I’ve been struggling with a lot of guilt over not being able to make it work. My RAH has been clean for 18 months but when I gave him and ultimatum at that time I was ready to walk out. He just doesn’t understand how damaging especially the last few years were. I’ve hung in there becuse we have a kid an it’s a second marriage for both. But we have started the divorce process. I really feel like I can’t recover from this the way I should to be a functional married couple, it’s been very tough to accept in a way. Our marriage counselor never missed an opportunity to say that the grass won’t be greener and that couples are happier than single people and lots more to that extent (I told him off a few times and also told him I felt like he was just jealous because his first wife never got clean not even after he left with the kids, and that he just can’t understand why I’m not falling all over myself to r connect with my RAH becuse he never had that chance....).
This post comes at a good time for me because I’m good at second guessing and doubting. But I know that if it wasn’t for my kid I would’ve probably not even given an ultimatum and just left. My kid and custody issues are my biggest worry. That’s why it has taken me so long, my RAH is the one that just couldn’t handle it anymore and decided for me. I’m sad over the loss of marriage but recent reactions really made me question if he will ever really stop being that way. He has changed a lot but it just came too late for me ☹️
Glad to see you’re very happy single. I know logically that lots of poêle get divorced and are much happier after but when a counselor keeps saying how basically the only right way is to stay married it’s easy too start doubting...
This post comes at a good time for me because I’m good at second guessing and doubting. But I know that if it wasn’t for my kid I would’ve probably not even given an ultimatum and just left. My kid and custody issues are my biggest worry. That’s why it has taken me so long, my RAH is the one that just couldn’t handle it anymore and decided for me. I’m sad over the loss of marriage but recent reactions really made me question if he will ever really stop being that way. He has changed a lot but it just came too late for me ☹️
Glad to see you’re very happy single. I know logically that lots of poêle get divorced and are much happier after but when a counselor keeps saying how basically the only right way is to stay married it’s easy too start doubting...
I recommend definitely a different counselor..reading that got me going!
You are right to seek happiness....and do what's best for you! I know TONS of single women (all older too) and all are very fulfilled and happy....sure some would like a significant other but that doesn't mean they 'NEED' that...they have very good lives.
oh PS - I know a LOT of very unhappy couples (most don't involve an A either).....most people would never let you know that though. That's why I think it's so important to focus on us.....we know our own lens is the most authentic.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Aeryn!!! I had no idea you were doing IVF! What an amazing choice for you, since you're obviously ready to be a parent. Wow!
The amount of strength I see in the rooms of recovery are what keep me coming back to program all the time. So many inspirations, such as yourself and I truly love that were able to figure out what you needed and what you wanted FOR YOU and that your XRAH just wasn't a right fit for you in an intimate relationship. That shows great maturity and wisdom! Hugs and love to you!
The amount of strength I see in the rooms of recovery are what keep me coming back to program all the time. So many inspirations, such as yourself and I truly love that were able to figure out what you needed and what you wanted FOR YOU and that your XRAH just wasn't a right fit for you in an intimate relationship. That shows great maturity and wisdom! Hugs and love to you!
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 72
Thanks for that. I have not been able to part from my ABF. We don’t live together so I guess I have few consequences from
That decision other than feeling deep down than he can’t give me what I want. I really love him. He’s actually kind and sweet to me - just a secretive alcoholic. He’s been in recovery for a couple of months but I won’t know if he relapses.
Anyway. Congrats to you and your strength. It’s a happy ending
That decision other than feeling deep down than he can’t give me what I want. I really love him. He’s actually kind and sweet to me - just a secretive alcoholic. He’s been in recovery for a couple of months but I won’t know if he relapses.
Anyway. Congrats to you and your strength. It’s a happy ending
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Aeryn, I guess we won’t be seeing him anymore. My RAH still wanted to keep going to keep the divorce on track and I told him I needed a break. When I told him a couple of days ago that I would be open to seeing him from time to time if issues came up mostlybas farcas to how to handle things with our kiddo he said that it probably wasn’t really useful. I much prefer my own counselor without whom I would’ve been a complete disaster. He doesn’t tell me what to do but rather makes me think through stuff and will play the devils advocate both ways to get me to think through things and make me focus on what I’m feeling since I tend to get off track and worry about everyone else still.
It’s hard, I do feel bad for my husband, I know he really doesn’t want this. I don’t particularly want to be divorced but I feel like I can’t do this anymore. Too much hurt over the years that I just can’t bounce back from, probably because I’m starting to think more about what I want/need.
I know there are plenty of happy single people out there and I hope to become one of them. I know it won’t be puppies and unicorns right off the bet but I do feel like with time I will get there.
It’s hard, I do feel bad for my husband, I know he really doesn’t want this. I don’t particularly want to be divorced but I feel like I can’t do this anymore. Too much hurt over the years that I just can’t bounce back from, probably because I’m starting to think more about what I want/need.
I know there are plenty of happy single people out there and I hope to become one of them. I know it won’t be puppies and unicorns right off the bet but I do feel like with time I will get there.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
Originally Posted by lizatola
Aeryn!!! I had no idea you were doing IVF! What an amazing choice for you, since you're obviously ready to be a parent. Wow!
The amount of strength I see in the rooms of recovery are what keep me coming back to program all the time. So many inspirations, such as yourself and I truly love that were able to figure out what you needed and what you wanted FOR YOU and that your XRAH just wasn't a right fit for you in an intimate relationship. That shows great maturity and wisdom! Hugs and love to you!
The amount of strength I see in the rooms of recovery are what keep me coming back to program all the time. So many inspirations, such as yourself and I truly love that were able to figure out what you needed and what you wanted FOR YOU and that your XRAH just wasn't a right fit for you in an intimate relationship. That shows great maturity and wisdom! Hugs and love to you!
Oh hi! I haven't seen you in a while! Hope you're doing well.
I don't know if you know the whole story or not but when I left my XRAH I wanted kids so badly but not with an A or an RA....and I found out I had a very very early cancer in the female reproductive area....I did IVF and got an embryo! Just one!!! But then my doctor malpracticed (she got rid of the cancer but at a cost) and long story short I couldn't carry her....so I got a surrogate with a small inheritance I got from my mom (it didn't cover all the expense but enough)....and in December 2017 my daughter (I call her little E) was born.
And this goes with the thread sort of....I left my XRAH but still followed my dream of having a kid.
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