Hopefulone18

I have been with my fiancé for nearly a decade. A few years into our relationship he got hooked on Percocet which lead to an almost two year battle with heroin. I have been through hell and back what seems like a hundred times. His heroin addiction was pure evil. He was homeless, sleeping in cars, on the brink of death, robbing everyone in sight, so far gone from the once amazing man he was. After four rehabs and two arrests he is 9 months sober today. However..... he is on probation. In our state we have something called colors which means you are drug tested every time this system calls your color. You have to call everyday and usually end up getting drug tested twice a week atleast. He is also participating in veterans court meaning that if successfully completes the program his entire record will be expunged. The last nine months had felt like a dream! He was sober, we were back to what felt almost like a normal life and normal people, and he even got a government job (because while you are on vet court your record is invisible). Finally i had my fiancé back and finally i could breathe. I had his income, his help, and his trust. Throughout his addiction he was off on planet mars and i was paying for the entire house and all of life’s expenses alone all while finishing my masters degree. Two weeks ago i discovered he had been cheating on me with a woman who works at a gas station in our town .... yes you read that correctly. How did i find out? Her husband called me... yes husband. She is a young mother of two kids who has been married for one year. I’m shook!!!! When i confronted my fiancé he went ballistic, threw me to the ground, choked me, picked me up again and flung me into the tv stand .... and then smashed my phone so i couldn’t call for help being as he’s on probation. By the grace of god he let me go and i ran to a neighbors house to call for help. He has never been violent before. I called he police and even though he got me good he was only charged with harassment with physical contact because the cops said i looked fine. Sad right, the didn’t see the bruises all over my naked body. I guess you have to be dead to be considered abused enough. I am in complete disbelief. Utterly shocked and feeling completely destroyed. He has since left our house and is living with his new girlfriend. I mean what planet am i on?? How can this be even happening? The cops said they suspect this girl to be a drug user but nothing is confirmed she may or may not be but she looks normal-ish.... I’m usually pretty good at pegging the heroin look. What does this say about his sobriety? It sure as hell doesn’t seem like he has any intentions of living a clean and sober life. He had texted me that If he had any repercussions from me calling the cops that he would do enough heroin to kill himself that day and that it would be all my fault. The same insane things he would say while using. You can take the needle out of there arm but you can’t take the junky out of them..... how could i have been so blind?

soberista

Sorry to be so brutally honest but i think you should seize this opportunity and take the escape.

Best wishes with what ever you decide X

Hopefulone18

I have escaped....... i said he’s living with his new girlfriend and out of our house. I came here for some support and peace of mind.

tomsteve

how could i have been so blind?

feeling,emotions, and hope can have us in denial.
now onto one solution- i think it would be extremely wise to file fpor a restraining order.

He had texted me that If he had any repercussions from me calling the cops that he would do enough heroin to kill himself that day and that it would be all my fault.

and you know thats a line of BS, right? playing the guilt trip BS boohoo poor me i dont want to accept responsibility for my actions crap.

i hope ya move forward with anything necessary to make sure he is held accountable for his actions, including filing a restraining order.

Hechosedrugs

I'm so sorry for what you went through.

I hope you realize the severity of it all.

The thing is, when we're in love it's all so difficult to see. Especially when it's just ended. Our minds have a positivity bias- they tend to focus on all the good and minimize the bad. I'm sure the fact that the cops minimized the situation isn't helping things, either. But it was REALLY BAD.

I wouldn't take his shacking up with this new girl as a sign that you're safe from him from now on. Addicts have a tendency to pop back into our lives.

The suicide comment sounds to me like he's trying to manipulate you into not pressing charges.

Please be careful.

AnvilheadII

you've been living with and dealing with his addiction a long time. even tho you thought you were an expert of sorts, believing he was really in "recovery" probably glossed over the lens a bit. we begin to think, aha, NOW we get to the good stuff i've been waiting so long for!!!!

however the signs were there all along. you did not have to stick with him for ten years. (i think once we pass the two year mark, the fiance term is kind of silly). you didn't have to put up with his bs. or the four rehab trips. or the arrests. the homelessness etc. those are all signs that this person is probably never gonna be that super guy you hoped for.

i do hope you press charges. but i also hope you take your safety VERY seriously now. lock that house up like Fort Knox. keep that nasty man as far away as you can. go NO contact.

dandylion

Hopeful.....I really think that you should contact your local domestic violence organization for help and advice.....this guy is really dangerous...from what you describe....he is capable of very dangerous behavior....
I think that safety should be your first concern.....the domestic violence will talk to you in complete confidence...so he doesn't need to ever know. They at not a government agency.
I don't think that you should try to handle t his without help of experienced people.....

Hopefulone18

Thanks guys. I’ve done all of that and covered my bases. I’ve already spoken with the domestic violence social workers and have called his probation officer. I know i did not have to stay with him for so long.... but i did. I’m here for the same reasons all of you are. The fiancé name (after two years) isn’t silly to me but wow, thanks for the support. I took the term seriously and have lived with the man for a decade. He wasn’t always an addict. This all happened as a result of coming home from Iraq after being nearly killed and getting hooked on his pain meds. That is why i held on to hope because he was that great man. I think when you see someone survive a bomb, Iraq, and they are so severely injured you tend to put your forgiving arms out and try to do damage control. I do take care of counseling issues with myself and protect myself. I was just more or less confused that after all of this........ he did what he did. I’m wondering if this means a relapse is on the horizon. That was all anvill

tomsteve

is this the same man you were talking about a year ago that you called your husband?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ng-happen.html (First post, is this a disaster waiting to happen?)

anyways, I’m wondering if this means a relapse is on the horizon

it really doesnt read like its leading to one- it reads like its full blown active addiction.

Aestrada

I am so sorry that once again this man has hurt you and betrayed you. It is an awful crushing feeling, I know. I think for your peace and opportunity for true happiness, you should just let him go now. I know he is gone right now, like in your mind let him go. You do not need to worry about him relapsing, it is not your burden to carry any longer. You have been an amazing supportive wife and he is not an amazing supportive husband to you, in active addiction and now you know even clean he is not an amazing supportive man anymore. You can be done now. Please know my thoughts are because I am living through what you are right now, and I need this same advice....

hopeful4

It does not matter what was, this is what is now. Protect yourself. Sounds like a relapse has happened or will, so be prepared that he will be back. You deserve a lot more. Stay strong!

OpheliaKatz

Change the locks. Get a restraining order. Put video cameras in and around your house.

He doesn't have to be violent repeatedly, once is enough for him to "accidentally" kill you. Choking is him advertising his ability to kill you. If he "accidentally" does it long enough next time, you might be a gonner. I'm sorry the cops are incompetent. Please seek out your local domestic violence service for advice.

Done_With_It

I agree with everything said above. If you haven't seen or gotten the RING doorbell, I would invest in one of those also. That' way you also have proof if he comes to your house when you are not home and everything is recorded.

I had a roommate years ago who did something similar like this to me who was on steroids and it came out of the blue when I told him to turn down the TV or something, not sure what would have happened to me if his brother hadn't come home.

Drugs turn people into someone completely different people. And they usually take their anger out on people they love the most.
Stay strong and be careful.