H sober for 2 weeks, but due to my "AlAnon Don't"
papagalo
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: LOS ANGELES, CA
Posts: 16
H sober for 2 weeks, but due to my "AlAnon Don't"
Ever heard of the Alanon Do's & Don'ts? Well, I did a big don't, and now for the past 2 weeks my husband hasn't been drunk, nor has he had a beer (not that I know of, anyway). The "don't" that I believe committed was, "DON'T push anyone but yourself." I know that I pushed for my husband to stop his heavy drinking, & now he has stopped. He won't go to a 12-step prog., but he has definitely stopped. I feel like I have pushed and forced him to it, and even though he's not complaining and carrying on as usual, that there is a resentment building. It's so codie! I'm subtly beating myself up for "forcing" him to do something that he wasn't ready to do. Drinking is a distinct part of his culture, and since he reports for work on time, does more than his fair share of chores around the house, and is attentive & loving...he doesn't think it's a problem. He thinks that I'm creating a crisis. Yet because it's causing such a disturbance he has stopped, it appears.
Being an Alanon, I don't say things just once...I say them over and over. In my case, doing that is a form of nagging. I was so upset about his last drunken bout that I was going to leave. I found a place to stay, etc.
3 or 4 days before I made that decision, my husband told me that he'd been ridden with guilt since his last drunken bout. That's a first. He has NEVER told me that he's felt any guilt whatsoever. He also said that he spoke about his drinking with a trusted friend and asked for advice because it was ruining his marriage. He says that he's "bored" & always plops in front of the TV & drinks a few cans. This friend (not in a program) told him to stop acting single & get himself a hobby if he's so bored. "Substitute the drinking with a hobby to occupy your time." Now he's really excited to try.
Ever since then he has been sober. A couple of days after he spoke to his friend I calmly told him that the next time he got drunk, I was leaving. I told him that I'm still madly in love with him, and don't want to leave, but for my own sanity I will remove myself from this situation for a time. I assured him that if it happened again I would not be here. Of course, I said it OVER & OVER. I also suggested AA & he said, "I get it, okay? You've said it 10 times, you're leaving if I do it again! WOULD YOU PLEASE LET ME TRY MY WAY? Even if you don't think it's going to work...would you PLEASE let me try???" So he's been looking for a hobby and learning new things on the internet ever since. We've been playing cards & cooking together, etc.
After talking in depth with my sponsor, my therapist, and trusted Alanon friends who know my story in detail and my history, I determined that I would not leave. I wasn't leaving because it was the best thing for me to do for myself, but because I wanted to get a reaction from my husband--I wanted him to stop drinking. Isn't it funny how even if we've been in Alanon for a while we STILL TRY TO CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE'S BEHAVIOR AND REACTIONS???
I'm also making a huge effort to focus on myself (extra meetings, exercising, working on my chronic lateness, etc.). I've also read (& am re-reading) The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage. I've decided to conduct an experiment based on something in the book. I hope to share it with you all in another post.
Being an Alanon, I don't say things just once...I say them over and over. In my case, doing that is a form of nagging. I was so upset about his last drunken bout that I was going to leave. I found a place to stay, etc.
3 or 4 days before I made that decision, my husband told me that he'd been ridden with guilt since his last drunken bout. That's a first. He has NEVER told me that he's felt any guilt whatsoever. He also said that he spoke about his drinking with a trusted friend and asked for advice because it was ruining his marriage. He says that he's "bored" & always plops in front of the TV & drinks a few cans. This friend (not in a program) told him to stop acting single & get himself a hobby if he's so bored. "Substitute the drinking with a hobby to occupy your time." Now he's really excited to try.
Ever since then he has been sober. A couple of days after he spoke to his friend I calmly told him that the next time he got drunk, I was leaving. I told him that I'm still madly in love with him, and don't want to leave, but for my own sanity I will remove myself from this situation for a time. I assured him that if it happened again I would not be here. Of course, I said it OVER & OVER. I also suggested AA & he said, "I get it, okay? You've said it 10 times, you're leaving if I do it again! WOULD YOU PLEASE LET ME TRY MY WAY? Even if you don't think it's going to work...would you PLEASE let me try???" So he's been looking for a hobby and learning new things on the internet ever since. We've been playing cards & cooking together, etc.
After talking in depth with my sponsor, my therapist, and trusted Alanon friends who know my story in detail and my history, I determined that I would not leave. I wasn't leaving because it was the best thing for me to do for myself, but because I wanted to get a reaction from my husband--I wanted him to stop drinking. Isn't it funny how even if we've been in Alanon for a while we STILL TRY TO CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE'S BEHAVIOR AND REACTIONS???
I'm also making a huge effort to focus on myself (extra meetings, exercising, working on my chronic lateness, etc.). I've also read (& am re-reading) The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage. I've decided to conduct an experiment based on something in the book. I hope to share it with you all in another post.
brightlight
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Detachment
Posts: 201
I'm also making a huge effort to focus on myself (extra meetings, exercising, working on my chronic lateness, etc.).
Boy do I need to do this. I would be so busy that I would never have time to try to fix him. I saw a house on tv. It was just a commercial and they were going from room to room and I could not see myself in this house. I felt broken this morning for some reason. I had the sound down, so do not know what they were saying, but the house looked normal. I could not see myself in that house. Like I did not belong to something normal and almost felt like I should get out of there. I think that is why I turned on my husband to try and make him feel guilty this morning. I felt bad, so wanted him to feel bad.
Boy do I need to do this. I would be so busy that I would never have time to try to fix him. I saw a house on tv. It was just a commercial and they were going from room to room and I could not see myself in this house. I felt broken this morning for some reason. I had the sound down, so do not know what they were saying, but the house looked normal. I could not see myself in that house. Like I did not belong to something normal and almost felt like I should get out of there. I think that is why I turned on my husband to try and make him feel guilty this morning. I felt bad, so wanted him to feel bad.
papagalo
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: LOS ANGELES, CA
Posts: 16
Dear brightlight,
You said, "I saw a house on tv...I had the sound down, so do not know what they were saying, but the house looked normal. I could not see myself in that house. Like I did not belong to something normal and almost felt like I should get out of there."
Isn't it amazing how normal everything LOOKS? I think TV has played quite a role in American society's "fairy tale syndrome." It makes everything look so "perfect" then we wonder, "What's wrong with my situation? Why can't I be in a 'normal' situation like that?" I have been there before! I must say, though, every last one of those "normal" TV scenarios contributed to some of my unrealistic expectations. I love how all challenges on a TV show--alcoholism, drug addiction, bad-behaving kids, domestic violence--get resolved at the end of the show or the next episode! Who knew it only took an hour or so to get everyone all better?! HA HA HA HA!
I don't know your exact situation, but I am sorry you're in pain and feeling down. Maybe this is one of those "acting as if" things--acting as if you belong in a "normal" house, even when you feel like you don't. I will say that "acting as if" is very difficult for me, but I know it is one of the Alanon slogans.
Anyone out there got experience, strength, & hope they can share with acting as if?
You said, "I saw a house on tv...I had the sound down, so do not know what they were saying, but the house looked normal. I could not see myself in that house. Like I did not belong to something normal and almost felt like I should get out of there."
Isn't it amazing how normal everything LOOKS? I think TV has played quite a role in American society's "fairy tale syndrome." It makes everything look so "perfect" then we wonder, "What's wrong with my situation? Why can't I be in a 'normal' situation like that?" I have been there before! I must say, though, every last one of those "normal" TV scenarios contributed to some of my unrealistic expectations. I love how all challenges on a TV show--alcoholism, drug addiction, bad-behaving kids, domestic violence--get resolved at the end of the show or the next episode! Who knew it only took an hour or so to get everyone all better?! HA HA HA HA!
I don't know your exact situation, but I am sorry you're in pain and feeling down. Maybe this is one of those "acting as if" things--acting as if you belong in a "normal" house, even when you feel like you don't. I will say that "acting as if" is very difficult for me, but I know it is one of the Alanon slogans.
Anyone out there got experience, strength, & hope they can share with acting as if?
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