lessgravity

I've been very active on SR in 2018, after years of coming and going, drinking and "quitting", knowing deep down or maybe not all that deep down, that I needed to get alcohol out of my life for good.

As Nonsensical said on another thread today, it's amazing to me I kept it going for that long.

Been thinking this time, again, about responsibility, obligation, adulthood and how drinking subverts all that we are meant to be or can or should be. My son, my wife, my parents, my community, my co-workers, my fellow big city dwellers - everyone is injured, in minimal to maximal ways, by me giving into my addiction. Not to mention my self - the person I want to be, the person I wanted to be when I was my son's age.

I'm done with betraying myself.

I'm done with it for good. I'm never drinking again. I'm a guy who just doesn't drink.

It's amazing to me how simple the cure for this addiction is. What's not amazing is how hard it is to get to the point where it becomes clear - I know for myself and so many intelligent, good people on this site, that it takes years for most of us. If we get there at all.

And I'm no fool that there won't be times of weakness or suffering or just plain woe-is-me-ness. I have problems with the concept of permanent "recovery" but I do know that I will always have this demon inside of me and I'll be with it for the rest of my life.

But I'm feeling grateful this morning. Grateful that I don't have to drink today. Grateful that I have this crazy online community filled with people who are struggling or have struggled and want to get/be/stay better.

Grateful that I caught my self before it was too late. I've paid enough to the poison, I've got some paying back to do in the rest of my life.

Thanks again SR, could not have done it without you.

entropy1964

It is kind of a 'grow the he!! up thing' isn't it? I mean, it's a lot of things, addiction. But when I boil down my use, its an inability to cope because I lack emotional maturity. So staying stopped is learning to cope and recognizing that I simply don't have the right to drink. As you said, a menace to society? Yes.

I watched my parents (who are emotionally deficient...that's being kind) use alcohol for everything. They even gave it to me when sick when I was a small child. Brilliant! Benedictine and Brandy for the six year old.....they have no coping skills. So I learned nothing....only to drink.

Well time to grow up and do that 'adulting' thing. If the situation is difficult and it requires me to show some self control, and I do, I know I'm doing the right thing. No more room for impulsiveness. No more room for reactions. No more room for adult tantrums. No more room for self inflicted chaos and drama (I think you mentioned a pension for this in another thread....me too).

And it gets easier and easier.

biminiblue

Yesterday I was at a big-chain grocery store and I gave an older lady who works there a compliment about how well she keeps her area stocked and how I appreciated it. She was truly taken aback and kept saying, "Thank you," like no one had ever told her she was doing a good job before. It was really humbling to me. I just wanted to thank her and she kept thanking me. I got as much if not more out of the exchange as she did. We looked at each other. We smiled. We were both grateful for that moment.

I think being a light in the world instead of darkness is so needed. People need light.

I guess I can only give away what I find in myself - and when I know I have myself in balance, I'm more able to be generous.

daredevil

Rehabs would lose a lot of money were it not for "permanent" recovery.

entropy1964

Its a tough thing. Rehabs are very controversial because of course, if we all got sober they wouldn't be needed. They are not non profit so perpetuating does seem to be built into the business model (of course addicts self perpetuate quite nicely without assistance). This is of course just based on my embarrassingly vast experience with institutions. I'm sure others have differing views.

I do know that I simply needed to be protected from myself, on multiple occasions. Without these institutions I'm not sure what would have happened to me. The psych ward....oh been there multiple times. The last time I was on psych hold for 3 days there was an active shooter. They called it a 'winchester' over the loud speaker. haha. That was fun. Oh my, the depths my addiction has taken me.

I personally think if there wasn't so much stigma to begin with regarding addiction people wouldn't develop quite as much guilt and shame....the hiding, the manipulation. The 'should' be better thinking that creates so much emotional chaos.

It is a complex cultural/emotional/psychological issue. Very complex. Even the word 'alcoholic' seems designed to separate us from other addicts and other drinkers, even heavy ones. "Well I'm not like that, I'm not an alcoholic". Ugh. Soooo the debate goes on.

For me I have learned to combine the different recovery modalities I have learned. I don't have one 'way' or one 'program'. I am open to anything that makes this easier for me. But I do see the dangers of 'recoveryism'. We all have to choose our own path.

I find it fascinating however that alcohol, so dangerous to both individual and society, is the one drug we have to justify not using. Imagine if we had to do that with, say, bath salts/white dope (possibly the most evil drug I've witnessed along with crack). Crazy huh?

And the hypocrisy rages on.....

goodbyeevan

You got it LG. I feel like I transfer a little of my immaturity to other things when I quit drinking. Can't drink a bottle of wine for dinner, I'll just have ice cream instead. Also I think often of all the time I wasted being drunk and lost. I wasted 2 years at a great university because I couldn't pick a major, and distracted myself with drugs and alcohol instead of trying to figure out what path my life should take. I know it all happened for a reason but when I look at my successful classmates from the class of 07, I wonder what might have been different had I gotten my shi* together a long time ago.

lessgravity

Thanks GBE. I too have the same thoughts re my career and health and dreams etc. The what ifs had I not given so fully and completely into my addiction. But I recognize those thoughts for what they are - legitimate but unhelpful.

Like many who have made it to the other side have expressed here - I can tell that the rest of my life, sober, won't be a waste.

Ladysadie

Congratulations Less. You've captured the secret, it's not at all so complicated. It takes effort but so worth changing one's perspective: Simply stop drinking.

AV can wreak havoc until you know how to silence it. So proud of you working through your recovery!

lessgravity

Thanks Lady, always look forward to your posts. We are in this 2018 sober ride together.

Here's to a better life.

Dee74

I really enjoy being an adult - never thought I would

D

time2shineagain

3 weeks is fantastic! You're doing great, LG and you sound really positive.


We aren't losing anything by being sober and we have so much to gain.

Ladysadie

support works both ways. Thanks Less. wishing you all blessings. xxoo