Going for it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 26
Going for it.
Hi all,
I'm Striver. I'm an alcoholic. I have no idea what to expect on my journey. I just know I have to take the first step. I have never admitted my problem before but cannot control my drinking. If I could I wouldn't be here.
I have drunk (apart from a period of about 6 weeks) nearly everyday for over 25 years. Yes I have a job, function. All that stuff. But I drink despite not wanting to. I drink because I feel I deserve it. I drink because I kid myself it's great.
It's not. It's really not.
The future scares me, I know it will be hard. That's why I'm here. I'm being honest. I need the support.
Day 1 alcohol free. Digging in...
Best, Striver
I'm Striver. I'm an alcoholic. I have no idea what to expect on my journey. I just know I have to take the first step. I have never admitted my problem before but cannot control my drinking. If I could I wouldn't be here.
I have drunk (apart from a period of about 6 weeks) nearly everyday for over 25 years. Yes I have a job, function. All that stuff. But I drink despite not wanting to. I drink because I feel I deserve it. I drink because I kid myself it's great.
It's not. It's really not.
The future scares me, I know it will be hard. That's why I'm here. I'm being honest. I need the support.
Day 1 alcohol free. Digging in...
Best, Striver
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Welcome, Striver! Great decision.
Have you looked around the site at all? Lots of experience and support here.
I joined this site by posting in my, "Class of March," thread. I found people going through the same point in the process as I was.
Here's the one for May, 2018.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-one.html
Have you looked around the site at all? Lots of experience and support here.
I joined this site by posting in my, "Class of March," thread. I found people going through the same point in the process as I was.
Here's the one for May, 2018.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-one.html
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Great to meet you, Striver! Very good screen name. With the encouragement you find here, I think you'll finally be able to get free of it. I did, after 30 years - and never dreamed I'd live without it.
As you mentioned, we try to convince ourselves it's great. That it somehow enhances our life, helps us to cope. It does just the opposite, especially when we become dependent on it - as I did. You're going to do this!
As you mentioned, we try to convince ourselves it's great. That it somehow enhances our life, helps us to cope. It does just the opposite, especially when we become dependent on it - as I did. You're going to do this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 26
Go Strawberry18. You will do this. And you'll feel proud. And rightly so. And you'll feel proud every single time you do it again. Every day. And all you have to do is not drink. I'm doing the same. I want to be proud.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 26
Thanks lessgravity. My plan is to take it one day at a time. I don't have a recovery plan in place in a formal sense, more just using support on here and pushing through the issue. I know this forum and talking will help. Thanks for taking the time to post.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 374
Hey striver
Welcome ..This group is fantastic..
Loads of support ...
Your on the right path and life will only get better and better from here on in
I promise ...
I'm just over 4 months sober and I feel fantastic
Read other people's posts it really helps ..
Before I joined here I thought I was freak of the week as been alone in my battle
Gosh the hands that reached out to me here were amazing
I felt like I'd came home and found a big bunch of brand new friends
You can do it
One day at a time
Keep posting
Caralara xx
Welcome ..This group is fantastic..
Loads of support ...
Your on the right path and life will only get better and better from here on in
I promise ...
I'm just over 4 months sober and I feel fantastic
Read other people's posts it really helps ..
Before I joined here I thought I was freak of the week as been alone in my battle
Gosh the hands that reached out to me here were amazing
I felt like I'd came home and found a big bunch of brand new friends
You can do it
One day at a time
Keep posting
Caralara xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 26
Thanks Caralara, I'm fighting urges but that's better than having none because I was drinking! I have already found support here, it gives me hope I can do this. For now I'm focusing on getting through tonight. I will not drink today.
Striver
Striver
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 26
Day 3: Contradictions
I am starting day 3 AF. Last night was tough but I pushed through it. I slept well, I am grateful for that. I felt good, positive, full of resolve. I know my AV will start up at some point. I am not going to stop it, just ignore it.
I rode my bike to work today, it's about 25 miles (40k). It got me thinking about the contradictions of alcoholism. I cycle a lot, up to 200 miles a week. On the outside I look fit, healthy. On the inside I have often felt like I am dying. One part of me has the tenacity and strength to push myself physically, to ignore my body's pleas to stop, to put up with the pain and complete a long or challenging ride.
And yet that same person seems unable to ignore a voice that tells him he deserves a drink, it will make things better, it feels good - even when he knows that voice is a lie. A contradiction.
I have often used alcohol as a way of celebrating the completion of a long ride or race. And yet it damages your performance and ability to recover. Another contradiction.
It all got me thinking that one of the underlying issues is clearly justification. I am fit, therefore I can drink. I am able to do achieve X and therefore I can drink.
What I can or cannot do is irrelevant. I know that the things I can do will only reduce if I keep drinking. So I have to accept the contradictory nature of alcoholism. I have to ignore, or start to learn to ignore, the contradictions. Whatever I achieved whilst drinking can be achieved when not. But better. The strength I can draw on for other things in life I can draw on to fight this.
So my journey is like a long, hilly, ride. I am just starting to turn the pedals. I know there will be tough roads ahead, calls to quit the race from myself, and possibly others. But I am going to keep turning those pedals. And ride through today
Striver
I am starting day 3 AF. Last night was tough but I pushed through it. I slept well, I am grateful for that. I felt good, positive, full of resolve. I know my AV will start up at some point. I am not going to stop it, just ignore it.
I rode my bike to work today, it's about 25 miles (40k). It got me thinking about the contradictions of alcoholism. I cycle a lot, up to 200 miles a week. On the outside I look fit, healthy. On the inside I have often felt like I am dying. One part of me has the tenacity and strength to push myself physically, to ignore my body's pleas to stop, to put up with the pain and complete a long or challenging ride.
And yet that same person seems unable to ignore a voice that tells him he deserves a drink, it will make things better, it feels good - even when he knows that voice is a lie. A contradiction.
I have often used alcohol as a way of celebrating the completion of a long ride or race. And yet it damages your performance and ability to recover. Another contradiction.
It all got me thinking that one of the underlying issues is clearly justification. I am fit, therefore I can drink. I am able to do achieve X and therefore I can drink.
What I can or cannot do is irrelevant. I know that the things I can do will only reduce if I keep drinking. So I have to accept the contradictory nature of alcoholism. I have to ignore, or start to learn to ignore, the contradictions. Whatever I achieved whilst drinking can be achieved when not. But better. The strength I can draw on for other things in life I can draw on to fight this.
So my journey is like a long, hilly, ride. I am just starting to turn the pedals. I know there will be tough roads ahead, calls to quit the race from myself, and possibly others. But I am going to keep turning those pedals. And ride through today
Striver
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I don't have a recovery plan in place in a formal sense, more just using support on here and pushing through the issue.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ery-plans.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)
D
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Welcome to the family. 
We also have the 24 hour recovery connections thread in Daily Support. Post there every day to commit to sobriety. 
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-379-a.html (24 Hour Recovery Connections Part 379)
We also have the 24 hour recovery connections thread in Daily Support. Post there every day to commit to sobriety. https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-379-a.html (24 Hour Recovery Connections Part 379)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 26
Day 4: Is the hardest bit the easiest?
I am here on day 4, sober and determined to get through today. It's not easy, but then we all know that, know the battles, the challenges, the will required to ignore the cravings, the AV - just about everything. It's a personal battle and the help here is amazing but it's still a tough one, still my body screaming at me to drink.
The odd thing for me is that there is a slight pleasure to this. The inherently selfish, self-centred part of me is all gaining some level of reward for succeeding. I feel good about not drinking and I know I should accept that, certainly not feel guilty about it. But there's this niggle.
On the one hand I am desperate for things to ease, for the withdrawal to ease, to feel better. I long for the day when my every second is not filled with the thoughts and effort that are needed not to drink. I dream of my AV starting to fade, something I believe can happen.
But at the same time I am already thinking, what then? What if I stop feeling the 'reward' of not drinking? Will that mean I seek my reward elsewhere?
I know these are early day thoughts and probably make little sense but this is part of the process for me, just writing, hoping it will all begin to make sense. With time.
At the moment I'll continue with the battle. Another day, A weekend coming. And it's a public holiday Monday in the UK, a three day weekend. Lots of people will be using that to meet friends, kick back, drink, Especially if the sun is out. I know I can't do that. I've booked work in tomorrow, a day trip Sunday. Filling my time. For many that's just life. For me it feels like wasting time - time I could be drinking. Although I know that's all part of the lie.
For today I am choosing not to drink. I don't want to and I won't. I'll fight. Like we all will. We won't drink today. Together, we won't drink.
Best, Striver
I am here on day 4, sober and determined to get through today. It's not easy, but then we all know that, know the battles, the challenges, the will required to ignore the cravings, the AV - just about everything. It's a personal battle and the help here is amazing but it's still a tough one, still my body screaming at me to drink.
The odd thing for me is that there is a slight pleasure to this. The inherently selfish, self-centred part of me is all gaining some level of reward for succeeding. I feel good about not drinking and I know I should accept that, certainly not feel guilty about it. But there's this niggle.
On the one hand I am desperate for things to ease, for the withdrawal to ease, to feel better. I long for the day when my every second is not filled with the thoughts and effort that are needed not to drink. I dream of my AV starting to fade, something I believe can happen.
But at the same time I am already thinking, what then? What if I stop feeling the 'reward' of not drinking? Will that mean I seek my reward elsewhere?
I know these are early day thoughts and probably make little sense but this is part of the process for me, just writing, hoping it will all begin to make sense. With time.
At the moment I'll continue with the battle. Another day, A weekend coming. And it's a public holiday Monday in the UK, a three day weekend. Lots of people will be using that to meet friends, kick back, drink, Especially if the sun is out. I know I can't do that. I've booked work in tomorrow, a day trip Sunday. Filling my time. For many that's just life. For me it feels like wasting time - time I could be drinking. Although I know that's all part of the lie.
For today I am choosing not to drink. I don't want to and I won't. I'll fight. Like we all will. We won't drink today. Together, we won't drink.
Best, Striver
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 524
Originally Posted by Striver 
Day 4: Is the hardest bit the easiest?
I am here on day 4, sober and determined to get through today. It's not easy, but then we all know that, know the battles, the challenges, the will required to ignore the cravings, the AV - just about everything. It's a personal battle and the help here is amazing but it's still a tough one, still my body screaming at me to drink.
The odd thing for me is that there is a slight pleasure to this. The inherently selfish, self-centred part of me is all gaining some level of reward for succeeding. I feel good about not drinking and I know I should accept that, certainly not feel guilty about it. But there's this niggle.
On the one hand I am desperate for things to ease, for the withdrawal to ease, to feel better. I long for the day when my every second is not filled with the thoughts and effort that are needed not to drink. I dream of my AV starting to fade, something I believe can happen.
But at the same time I am already thinking, what then? What if I stop feeling the 'reward' of not drinking? Will that mean I seek my reward elsewhere?
I know these are early day thoughts and probably make little sense but this is part of the process for me, just writing, hoping it will all begin to make sense. With time.
At the moment I'll continue with the battle. Another day, A weekend coming. And it's a public holiday Monday in the UK, a three day weekend. Lots of people will be using that to meet friends, kick back, drink, Especially if the sun is out. I know I can't do that. I've booked work in tomorrow, a day trip Sunday. Filling my time. For many that's just life. For me it feels like wasting time - time I could be drinking. Although I know that's all part of the lie.
For today I am choosing not to drink. I don't want to and I won't. I'll fight. Like we all will. We won't drink today. Together, we won't drink.
Best, Striver
I am here on day 4, sober and determined to get through today. It's not easy, but then we all know that, know the battles, the challenges, the will required to ignore the cravings, the AV - just about everything. It's a personal battle and the help here is amazing but it's still a tough one, still my body screaming at me to drink.
The odd thing for me is that there is a slight pleasure to this. The inherently selfish, self-centred part of me is all gaining some level of reward for succeeding. I feel good about not drinking and I know I should accept that, certainly not feel guilty about it. But there's this niggle.
On the one hand I am desperate for things to ease, for the withdrawal to ease, to feel better. I long for the day when my every second is not filled with the thoughts and effort that are needed not to drink. I dream of my AV starting to fade, something I believe can happen.
But at the same time I am already thinking, what then? What if I stop feeling the 'reward' of not drinking? Will that mean I seek my reward elsewhere?
I know these are early day thoughts and probably make little sense but this is part of the process for me, just writing, hoping it will all begin to make sense. With time.
At the moment I'll continue with the battle. Another day, A weekend coming. And it's a public holiday Monday in the UK, a three day weekend. Lots of people will be using that to meet friends, kick back, drink, Especially if the sun is out. I know I can't do that. I've booked work in tomorrow, a day trip Sunday. Filling my time. For many that's just life. For me it feels like wasting time - time I could be drinking. Although I know that's all part of the lie.
For today I am choosing not to drink. I don't want to and I won't. I'll fight. Like we all will. We won't drink today. Together, we won't drink.
Best, Striver
I'm now on day 8. Feel better and better as every day passes.
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