Feeling Guilty
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 43
Feeling Guilty
I left two weeks ago. I have had as little contact as possible with AH. He asks every day when I'm coming home, why can't I reconsider, how I could do this to him and our family. I told him today that it was over has been for years for me. These last two weeks have been stress free and I have been happy. He responds with give him one more chance he can make me happy. Also how could I do this to our boys. My codependent ways are creeping in making me second guess my choice. He has known for years I had a problem with his drinking. He has never once tried to change or make us better. But somehow I still feel like maybe one more time and he will. Im also worried he will drink more and get depressed and somehow it's my fault even though I know it's not. Needing support and encouragement becaus I am weak.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Aww ((HUGS)))
You aren't weak. Not even a little bit. You took some really REALLY difficult steps to get out and make your life better.
It sounds like you are the only one that changed here. He hasn't. If he had, he would not be pressuring or trying to guilt you. He wouldn't be saying how could you...he'd be saying how could I have done this to the boys?! He wouldn't be AH, he'd be RAH....and he'd actually be in recovery. He'd be telling you that he's glad you're happy, and he'd be working on making himself happy and healthy.
SO....what has he done to SHOW you that it would be different? Did he sign himself up for rehab? Does he go to meetings? Is he working the steps with a sponsor? Hell has he even quit drinking? Cause he's still trying to pressure you into getting things back to "normal." And he's trying to guilt you into getting things back to "normal." And he's still putting the marriage's success on you. "This time" doesn't mean anything if he hasn't done anything differently.
And with that stuff... you are starting to put his drinking back on you....but you know better than that now.
You fought like hell to get to this happy place! Don't let the same ole same ole try and tell you that anything is different if it's really not. And as far as your boys, it might be difficult for a while, but I think a happy mama will have a much MUCH better affect on their lives than an unhappy one. Let alone the lesson they can take for this in making their own happiness one day. (((HUGS))) to you.
You aren't weak. Not even a little bit. You took some really REALLY difficult steps to get out and make your life better.
It sounds like you are the only one that changed here. He hasn't. If he had, he would not be pressuring or trying to guilt you. He wouldn't be saying how could you...he'd be saying how could I have done this to the boys?! He wouldn't be AH, he'd be RAH....and he'd actually be in recovery. He'd be telling you that he's glad you're happy, and he'd be working on making himself happy and healthy.
SO....what has he done to SHOW you that it would be different? Did he sign himself up for rehab? Does he go to meetings? Is he working the steps with a sponsor? Hell has he even quit drinking? Cause he's still trying to pressure you into getting things back to "normal." And he's trying to guilt you into getting things back to "normal." And he's still putting the marriage's success on you. "This time" doesn't mean anything if he hasn't done anything differently.
And with that stuff... you are starting to put his drinking back on you....but you know better than that now.
You fought like hell to get to this happy place! Don't let the same ole same ole try and tell you that anything is different if it's really not. And as far as your boys, it might be difficult for a while, but I think a happy mama will have a much MUCH better affect on their lives than an unhappy one. Let alone the lesson they can take for this in making their own happiness one day. (((HUGS))) to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Chev......First of all...congratulations on making the decision in favor of your and your children's welfare! Some people stay far longer than you did, in a miserable, dysfunctional home......because of fear and guilt (false guilt)....
You need to make your decsions based on what You know,,,,not what he doesn't know. He doesn't know Jack about alcoholism and what it does to the loved ones....but, You do!
I am sure that you know that, as soon as you would return to the house...he would begin the process of figuring out when and how he could return to drinking, again. That is how alcoholism works on the brain and mind. He doesn't sound even close to committing himself to a life of total sobriety--no matter what happens.
You have been through this before....you know how it goes....
He wants another chance? Well you gave him an excellent chance in August of 2017...and, he called you an unreasonable and controlling bitch!
He is worried about his feelings, right now, and pushing all of your buttons to get you to cave and return back to the status-quo.....
He will have to face the consequences of his own actions....because that is how life works for all of us....including him......
It is not your fault! Please stop assigning the guilt for his actions on yourself.
You know what life is like, living with an active alcoholic. Imagine what it is like for the kids. Why in the world would you want to cut yourself another slice of that Misery Pie?
You need to make your decsions based on what You know,,,,not what he doesn't know. He doesn't know Jack about alcoholism and what it does to the loved ones....but, You do!
I am sure that you know that, as soon as you would return to the house...he would begin the process of figuring out when and how he could return to drinking, again. That is how alcoholism works on the brain and mind. He doesn't sound even close to committing himself to a life of total sobriety--no matter what happens.
You have been through this before....you know how it goes....
He wants another chance? Well you gave him an excellent chance in August of 2017...and, he called you an unreasonable and controlling bitch!
He is worried about his feelings, right now, and pushing all of your buttons to get you to cave and return back to the status-quo.....
He will have to face the consequences of his own actions....because that is how life works for all of us....including him......
It is not your fault! Please stop assigning the guilt for his actions on yourself.
You know what life is like, living with an active alcoholic. Imagine what it is like for the kids. Why in the world would you want to cut yourself another slice of that Misery Pie?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
These last two weeks have been stress free and I have been happy.
And YOU made those weeks that way! And THAT is a healthy environment for your children.
Growing up in an A household sucks, big time, I know. Keep putting your children and yourself first.
He can get sober and recover in the same pants he is angry in, it has nothing to do with whether you are there or not and don't let anyone tell you differently.
Peace,
B.
And YOU made those weeks that way! And THAT is a healthy environment for your children.
Growing up in an A household sucks, big time, I know. Keep putting your children and yourself first.
He can get sober and recover in the same pants he is angry in, it has nothing to do with whether you are there or not and don't let anyone tell you differently.
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
It is so not your fault! In fact, what exactly have you done to feel guilty about?
You didn't run this relationship in to the ditch did you? No, didn't think so.
How could you do this to the boys! What exactly was that you did again? Oh right, took them out of a household where an addict lives. That's something HE could have fixed and chooses not to. That's ok, he is all grown up and doesn't have to do a thing, but there are repercussions.
I was thinking about children of alcoholics the other day (I am one) and the result of that varies but it seems in so many cases what happens is the child learns that it's ok to be treated badly. This is completely natural when they watch one parent being pandered to. The drunk rages, acts inappropriately, annoys everyone, shows no responsibility, is mean. Now in normal circles there are repercussions for that behaviour, whether you are an adult or child (generally as an adult you get left alone and a child is grounded!). In drunk-ville there are no consequences! People tip toe around the drunk, he's sleeping? Shhhhhhhh don't anyone wake him. Oops, he's hung over, let's all keep silent and stay clear. Oh, he's drunk, let's sit and listen to a bunch of repetitive stories, because what child doesn't enjoy that?? Oh he is drunk and hungry, let's get him some food!
Not only are there no repercussions for the alcoholic, they actually get special treatment.
What I was thinking about is even for the parent that leaves with the children, there is still that exposure to the alcoholic.
Anyway, you did do the right thing, even if you can't bring yourself (yet) to do it for yourself, you certainly did the right thing for your children.
I'm not speaking as some kind of "victim" of alcoholism by the way, i'm way past blame of any kind, however the result is real.
If he wants you all back he can certainly step up to the plate. Has he offered to let you all move back in to the house and he will live elsewhere while everything is sorted out? As others asked, has he sought any treatment for his addiction? Has he gone out of his way to make sure all of you feel secure and safe?
What exactly are you feeling guilty about again?
You didn't run this relationship in to the ditch did you? No, didn't think so.
How could you do this to the boys! What exactly was that you did again? Oh right, took them out of a household where an addict lives. That's something HE could have fixed and chooses not to. That's ok, he is all grown up and doesn't have to do a thing, but there are repercussions.
I was thinking about children of alcoholics the other day (I am one) and the result of that varies but it seems in so many cases what happens is the child learns that it's ok to be treated badly. This is completely natural when they watch one parent being pandered to. The drunk rages, acts inappropriately, annoys everyone, shows no responsibility, is mean. Now in normal circles there are repercussions for that behaviour, whether you are an adult or child (generally as an adult you get left alone and a child is grounded!). In drunk-ville there are no consequences! People tip toe around the drunk, he's sleeping? Shhhhhhhh don't anyone wake him. Oops, he's hung over, let's all keep silent and stay clear. Oh, he's drunk, let's sit and listen to a bunch of repetitive stories, because what child doesn't enjoy that?? Oh he is drunk and hungry, let's get him some food!
Not only are there no repercussions for the alcoholic, they actually get special treatment.
What I was thinking about is even for the parent that leaves with the children, there is still that exposure to the alcoholic.
Anyway, you did do the right thing, even if you can't bring yourself (yet) to do it for yourself, you certainly did the right thing for your children.
I'm not speaking as some kind of "victim" of alcoholism by the way, i'm way past blame of any kind, however the result is real.
If he wants you all back he can certainly step up to the plate. Has he offered to let you all move back in to the house and he will live elsewhere while everything is sorted out? As others asked, has he sought any treatment for his addiction? Has he gone out of his way to make sure all of you feel secure and safe?
What exactly are you feeling guilty about again?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Also how could I do this to our boys.
this tells you clearly that he still does not accept his role in the demise of the marriage. he just wants one more chance. but if you do leave, it's YOUR FAULT.
no guilt required. don't feel feelings for HIM that he does not possess. he is not feeling guilty.....he's playing victim.
you are the only parent in this mix who is putting the best needs of the child FIRST. you are willing to take drastic measures and remove them from a toxic environment so they can thrive.
remember, HE is the one with the drinking problem.
this tells you clearly that he still does not accept his role in the demise of the marriage. he just wants one more chance. but if you do leave, it's YOUR FAULT.
no guilt required. don't feel feelings for HIM that he does not possess. he is not feeling guilty.....he's playing victim.
you are the only parent in this mix who is putting the best needs of the child FIRST. you are willing to take drastic measures and remove them from a toxic environment so they can thrive.
remember, HE is the one with the drinking problem.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I really wanted to believe my AH when he told me how much he loved me, how he couldn't live without me or how he couldn't live with himself if he didn't make it all up to me. Time after time, I fell for it but it never lasted long. I even felt guilty and sad when I told him no after I moved away. Funny thing, once he met his new enabler, I never heard from him again! He never paid me the money he owed me either. Ah....love is defined so differently, lol.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 43
Originally Posted by trailmix 
It is so not your fault! In fact, what exactly have you done to feel guilty about?
You didn't run this relationship in to the ditch did you? No, didn't think so.
How could you do this to the boys! What exactly was that you did again? Oh right, took them out of a household where an addict lives. That's something HE could have fixed and chooses not to. That's ok, he is all grown up and doesn't have to do a thing, but there are repercussions.
I was thinking about children of alcoholics the other day (I am one) and the result of that varies but it seems in so many cases what happens is the child learns that it's ok to be treated badly. This is completely natural when they watch one parent being pandered to. The drunk rages, acts inappropriately, annoys everyone, shows no responsibility, is mean. Now in normal circles there are repercussions for that behaviour, whether you are an adult or child (generally as an adult you get left alone and a child is grounded!). In drunk-ville there are no consequences! People tip toe around the drunk, he's sleeping? Shhhhhhhh don't anyone wake him. Oops, he's hung over, let's all keep silent and stay clear. Oh, he's drunk, let's sit and listen to a bunch of repetitive stories, because what child doesn't enjoy that?? Oh he is drunk and hungry, let's get him some food!
Not only are there no repercussions for the alcoholic, they actually get special treatment.
What I was thinking about is even for the parent that leaves with the children, there is still that exposure to the alcoholic.
Anyway, you did do the right thing, even if you can't bring yourself (yet) to do it for yourself, you certainly did the right thing for your children.
I'm not speaking as some kind of "victim" of alcoholism by the way, i'm way past blame of any kind, however the result is real.
If he wants you all back he can certainly step up to the plate. Has he offered to let you all move back in to the house and he will live elsewhere while everything is sorted out? As others asked, has he sought any treatment for his addiction? Has he gone out of his way to make sure all of you feel secure and safe?
What exactly are you feeling guilty about again?
You didn't run this relationship in to the ditch did you? No, didn't think so.
How could you do this to the boys! What exactly was that you did again? Oh right, took them out of a household where an addict lives. That's something HE could have fixed and chooses not to. That's ok, he is all grown up and doesn't have to do a thing, but there are repercussions.
I was thinking about children of alcoholics the other day (I am one) and the result of that varies but it seems in so many cases what happens is the child learns that it's ok to be treated badly. This is completely natural when they watch one parent being pandered to. The drunk rages, acts inappropriately, annoys everyone, shows no responsibility, is mean. Now in normal circles there are repercussions for that behaviour, whether you are an adult or child (generally as an adult you get left alone and a child is grounded!). In drunk-ville there are no consequences! People tip toe around the drunk, he's sleeping? Shhhhhhhh don't anyone wake him. Oops, he's hung over, let's all keep silent and stay clear. Oh, he's drunk, let's sit and listen to a bunch of repetitive stories, because what child doesn't enjoy that?? Oh he is drunk and hungry, let's get him some food!
Not only are there no repercussions for the alcoholic, they actually get special treatment.
What I was thinking about is even for the parent that leaves with the children, there is still that exposure to the alcoholic.
Anyway, you did do the right thing, even if you can't bring yourself (yet) to do it for yourself, you certainly did the right thing for your children.
I'm not speaking as some kind of "victim" of alcoholism by the way, i'm way past blame of any kind, however the result is real.
If he wants you all back he can certainly step up to the plate. Has he offered to let you all move back in to the house and he will live elsewhere while everything is sorted out? As others asked, has he sought any treatment for his addiction? Has he gone out of his way to make sure all of you feel secure and safe?
What exactly are you feeling guilty about again?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Exactly, so you have nothing to feel guilty about at all. I know it's hard. You just want to do the right thing for your family but I think you know that you have.
You don't need to sacrifice yourself you know. You deserve to have a happy and peaceful life, so do your children. He is unwilling to do that so you left, good for you.
Continue on with your peaceful life and please try not to feel guilty. Have you attended al-anon meetings at all?
You don't need to sacrifice yourself you know. You deserve to have a happy and peaceful life, so do your children. He is unwilling to do that so you left, good for you.
Continue on with your peaceful life and please try not to feel guilty. Have you attended al-anon meetings at all?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 124
I grew up in an abusive home. My mother stayed there because of me and my sister. She did not have the means to leave that house and I come from a country where divorces are not easy to obtain. I still wish that she had left. As a kid , I should not have grown up seeing all that I did. It affects children in a profound way. I get it. It's hard. I am in the middle of my divorce . I was married for 5 years. It is painful. I don't even have kids. Leaving was hard. I question myself every single day but you know what, I look back at myself to when I was hat kid - I grew up all my life telling myself - no man will disrespect me ever and it still happened. That's not a healthy environment way for a kid to grow up in. They deserve better. You deserve better. I deserve better. As painful as it is letting dreams go, grieve it out and let him figure himself out. What is your other choice? Going back to that environment ? Because you know what- nothing changes if nothing changes
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Unless you are the one forcing his mouth open and pouring booze down his throat, don’t own guilt that is not yours to own.
I think I would limit talks ,phone calls/texts/emails etc. with him so that you are not subjected on a daily basis to his emotional assaults. See that’s just it, while you are feeling guilty and worrying about him and his future he is using emotional manipulation in order to get what he wants with total disregard for your feelings/wants or needs. He’s standing on one side being selfish trying to get what he wants and there you and your guilt are standing right next to him, both of you are working against YOU!!
I think I would limit talks ,phone calls/texts/emails etc. with him so that you are not subjected on a daily basis to his emotional assaults. See that’s just it, while you are feeling guilty and worrying about him and his future he is using emotional manipulation in order to get what he wants with total disregard for your feelings/wants or needs. He’s standing on one side being selfish trying to get what he wants and there you and your guilt are standing right next to him, both of you are working against YOU!!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by atalose
He’s standing on one side being selfish trying to get what he wants and there you and your guilt are standing right next to him, both of you are working against YOU!!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I agree with everybody else!
You are not responsible for his choices or the crappy feelings he has about them, that's all on him. Let him own that.
Keep sticking to your boundaries. You are doing great!
You are not responsible for his choices or the crappy feelings he has about them, that's all on him. Let him own that.
Keep sticking to your boundaries. You are doing great!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
Hold firm. So sorry Chev. You have learned about abuse, now you must not falter. such a sad life if you stay - you know to reach out to us here. We've got no dog in your fight, just we care about your outcome. Hang tight. Let us know how you are doing and the best to you my dear.
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