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New here! Trying to help someone, but am I doing more harm than help?



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New here! Trying to help someone, but am I doing more harm than help?

Old 05-01-2018, 12:29 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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New here! Trying to help someone, but am I doing more harm than help?

Good day everyone,

I apologize if this post is lengthy, but I am feeling very lost and need proper guidance.

In the past year, I have gotten romantically involved with a friend. He has addictions to both cocaine and alcohol, which he acknowledges and wants to change. I was not aware of the severity until recent months, when he started opening up to me more.

He has significantly reduced the cocaine, but he continues to binge drink, get sober, and experience kindling / seizures.

Being fairly ignorant regarding addiction, I previously tried to be a neutral party. I wanted to create a safe, comfortable space for him.

A few times now, he has expressed a desire to start a relationship. Then he would disappear on me for a few weeks or a month. I would take it personally and get very upset with him (not nasty, I wouldn't put him down, but I would be angry and accuse him of playing me).

According to him, the only time he feels truly happy is when he is with me. But then he disappears because he knows that he can't be there for me in a meaningful way with his addictions. He will often say things like "I'm a piece of sh*t," or "I am no good."

I now realize that my actions may have been detrimental. He is such a very sensitive soul. And as much as it hurts, I care about him so much.

He will have seizures, be admitted to the hospital, they will tell him to stay long term for a detox, and he will check himself out against the doctor's advice.

He feels like he needs to do this alone. However from my research on kindling and his symptoms, it seems that he needs in-patient treatment immediately.

So, my questions are:

1. What are the long term effects of kindling?
2. What are the long term effects, and to symptoms last for life?
3. Is he better off without me in his life? Do I stay, or back off?

I want to be there to offer support and check up on him, but I fear that my being too pushy will drive him to more self-isolation.

On the other hand, if I disappear, he may feel rejected by me, which may lead him to drink.

Sorry again for the long post. Thank you for listening.
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Old 05-01-2018, 12:35 PM
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As an adult, he may make bad choices but they are his to make.

Us trying to support / control another adult's actions is pretty much doomed to long term failure.

I know for me, supporting and providing a "safe, comfortable space" for the alcoholic in my life, just as you did,
simply gave them more room to go off on a binge and still keep the idea that they didn't have a problem, i.e. the idea of "a normal life".

That simply prolonged their (and my) descent into addiction hell.

What I would do now, after learning years of hard lessons,
is to step back and respect yourself, and the addict enough to let them make their own choices.

Becoming sober, if he's serious, is truly a full-time job and is his to do.
Tell him after he is sober for a year to look you up.
Don't wait for him, but if it is meant to be it will be
but only if he steps up and takes charge of his own recovery.

Best of luck to both of you.
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Old 05-01-2018, 02:09 PM
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Welcome to SR Tonya. Your intentions are surely good, but as has been mentioned already, he will need to do this for himself - and your actions will really have little or no effect on his drinking. Alcoholism and addiction are very self-serving, and most active alcoholics will lie/cheat/steal and do whatever they can to feed their addiction, even to close family members and friends.

Your past actions did not have any affect on his addiction - that is his responsibility and choice, and his alone - to make. Regarding your first 2 questions, kindling is real and it is lifelong. Just like addiction - once you cross the line, you can never go back. Regarding your 2nd question, you will need to decide that for yourself - but as you've been forwarned - being involved with an addict can be a very painful and empty life. Also know that there are just as many addicts that never seek help and keep using/drinking as those that stop - so the odds are against him.
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Old 05-01-2018, 03:18 PM
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Originally Posted by TonyaH1984 View Post

3. Is he better off without me in his life? ?
No. But you are probably better off without an alcoholic/addict in your life.
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Old 05-01-2018, 05:59 PM
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I would let him go and get on with your life. Alcoholism always gets worse. He is responsible for the choices he makes. Your actions do not 'make' him do anything.
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Old 05-01-2018, 06:10 PM
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I’d say stick around, and I wish an ex-girlfriend did the same; I would have escaped the grasp of addiction sooner, perhaps. But she went to Al-anon, heard the ‘cut and run’ mantra, she cut and run, but has since contacted me with the hope of reconciling. I’ve moved on to greener pastures & she’s reliving her codependency with someone else, worse for the wear.
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Old 05-01-2018, 06:15 PM
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OP: I can only speak for point 3.

I am the alcoholic. It cost me my relationship and although I was ready to give alcohol up, it only changed because she left. I adored the girl and still do. She tried her best for me but in the end, it wasnt good for her to hang around for either of us. - She did what you are scared of, vanished. Disappeared after ending us - literally, final chat and that was it...

I would say to her "Im going to let you down" on the phone (when deployed) and become an emotional wreck. The whole time I was already letting her down just couldnt see it.

I couldnt see anything. I was lost in the haze of addiction and alcohol and her sticking around did no good to me. It took me a few weeks to really realise this but she left, I was devestated and I had two choices... Im soooooo proud and pleased of the one I took.

We havent spoken since and I miss her all the time. However, I know that I need to respect myself and her enough to leave her alone.

This man you are involved with needs to get sober, get sober for him and you need to let him do that. Dont make any deals about getting back in the future, because that will mean hes doing it for you.

I truly believe after a few months of being sober, therapy and meetings that everything happens for a reason. I dont like that at times and find it difficult coming to terms with but the reality is what it is.

I dont envy either of you but I can say with hard work and honesty, me - the addict, is in a much happier/healthier place.
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