What has the alcoholic made you do?!
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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What has the alcoholic made you do?!
Chase him round with a breathalyser from EBay to check if he was telling the truth.
He wasn’t.
Drive round the pubs gawping through the windows to see if I could catch him.
Disclaimer: The above were the actions of a woman on the edge.
He wasn’t.
Drive round the pubs gawping through the windows to see if I could catch him.
Disclaimer: The above were the actions of a woman on the edge.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Nothing. I'm 100% responsible for my choices no matter how much I originally validated it based on his behaviors. It took me a long time to stop blameshifting in this way so I'm extremely aware of it now.
Don't get me wrong - I'm guilty of all kinds of sick codie actions & thoughts during my worst days but that's on MY side of the street - not his.
Don't get me wrong - I'm guilty of all kinds of sick codie actions & thoughts during my worst days but that's on MY side of the street - not his.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
My AH didn't ** make ** me do anything. I choose to react to him and his actions in an insane way myself.
I used his craziness to blame my own craziness on! Plus I could point my finger and say "at least I am not as crazy as him". Yes, I was! And I wasn't even drunk when I was doing my nutty stuff.
I used his craziness to blame my own craziness on! Plus I could point my finger and say "at least I am not as crazy as him". Yes, I was! And I wasn't even drunk when I was doing my nutty stuff.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
Nothing.
Our words, actions and choices are our responsibility. No one makes us do anything. But, I think it takes a while to see it that way.
I totally get the craziness of alcoholism and the effects on everyone though, the alcoholic and their loved ones. I went through his iPhone three times and it was not appropriate to invade his privacy (...I did get the information I needed...still though). What a mess to go through. I hope you're doing well.
Our words, actions and choices are our responsibility. No one makes us do anything. But, I think it takes a while to see it that way.
I totally get the craziness of alcoholism and the effects on everyone though, the alcoholic and their loved ones. I went through his iPhone three times and it was not appropriate to invade his privacy (...I did get the information I needed...still though). What a mess to go through. I hope you're doing well.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Oh I dumpster dove, searched cars, the garage, laundry baskets, measured bottles and kissed my ex in order to smell his breath - all in the name of proving what I already knew....all the while calling HIM crazy.
^^ And that stuff was ALL me btw. He didn't make me do any of it.
^^ And that stuff was ALL me btw. He didn't make me do any of it.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
I have sincerely found my tribe here 
I too own a breathalyzer and have forced someone to use it, ransacked a car, toilet tanks, closets, financial statements, boxes, golf bags, monitored liquor cabinet, wine fridge, breath, gait, speech, body language, body odor, snore patterns you name it I watched it. How did I have the energy for all of it ? WOW!
I too own a breathalyzer and have forced someone to use it, ransacked a car, toilet tanks, closets, financial statements, boxes, golf bags, monitored liquor cabinet, wine fridge, breath, gait, speech, body language, body odor, snore patterns you name it I watched it. How did I have the energy for all of it ? WOW!
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by Onefortheditch 
You are absolutely correct in that I’ve allowed myself to do those things.
He didn’t make me.
But my actions were in an attempt to prevent him doing something. Don’t we all do that sometimes?
He didn’t make me.
But my actions were in an attempt to prevent him doing something. Don’t we all do that sometimes?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by AutumnMama
My actions were a way to control a paranoia I had (not unfounded, I guess). But everyone is right, he didn't MAKE me do anything. It's all about control, in the grand scheme of things.
I called it a thousand different things but in the end it's about Control.
He behaved in a way I did not approve of & instead of walking away, I chose to attempt to control him instead.... and I said things like "I HAD to x-y-z..." "What choice did I have?" etc.
I just had the same convo with my BFF about a situation with other friends of hers. She tried her hardest to convince me that she
"had to" this & that & those words are Giant Waving Red Flags to me.... when you examine the situation it's almost never true. It's a choice, not a had-to.
She was pretty frustrated with me but after I gave her 3 alternate ways to respond to the situation other than what she "had to" do, it was pretty clear that she was choosing to engage with crazy.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I also became a master sleuth, and body language expert. Even once I knew I shouldn't be looking, I still would, because, you know, MY situation was different then everybody elses....
I'd climb into the unlit , damp, spider and mouse infested area at the back of his shop and FEEL around for the evidence... that I didn't need... because I knew damn well he was drinking....yeah that's not crazy at all... yikes.
I'd climb into the unlit , damp, spider and mouse infested area at the back of his shop and FEEL around for the evidence... that I didn't need... because I knew damn well he was drinking....yeah that's not crazy at all... yikes.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
I’m also “choosing” to do some crazy stuff atm - trying to make it less important to check each day for my own sanity but I’m guilty of the following
counting his units on a drinkulator app
Googling the ABV of lager brands
Searching cupboards, garage, the van, the bins for “evidence”
Listening to breathing, snoring patterns, watching his gait when he comes to bed.
Smelling the air to see if his breath stinks of booze.
Sniffing his empty coffee mugs to see if they had booze in them!
But yeah.. I know it’s not healthy to be doing it. I tell myself it’s to confirm in my own mind that I’m not “imagining” his drink problem. I need that validation to be able to make my own choices. Knowing he’s still drinking is something i feel I want to know about in order to make decisions. (Ie letting him drive my car or leaving him in charge of the kids for example)
counting his units on a drinkulator app
Googling the ABV of lager brands
Searching cupboards, garage, the van, the bins for “evidence”
Listening to breathing, snoring patterns, watching his gait when he comes to bed.
Smelling the air to see if his breath stinks of booze.
Sniffing his empty coffee mugs to see if they had booze in them!
But yeah.. I know it’s not healthy to be doing it. I tell myself it’s to confirm in my own mind that I’m not “imagining” his drink problem. I need that validation to be able to make my own choices. Knowing he’s still drinking is something i feel I want to know about in order to make decisions. (Ie letting him drive my car or leaving him in charge of the kids for example)
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
1. I choose to throw (actually toss beer cans so they would bust open so he couldn't drink them).
2. Hide beer.
3. Take money out from the bank and hide it so he wouldn't spend money on beer anymore.
4. Went around town looking for him when he would take off to drink with his brother.
5. Cuss him out to make him feel guilty for drinking.
6. Kicked him and his friends out regularly from my house while they were drinking.
But all those didn't work as he is still an active alcoholic and we are going through a divorce. I participated in the craziness.
2. Hide beer.
3. Take money out from the bank and hide it so he wouldn't spend money on beer anymore.
4. Went around town looking for him when he would take off to drink with his brother.
5. Cuss him out to make him feel guilty for drinking.
6. Kicked him and his friends out regularly from my house while they were drinking.
But all those didn't work as he is still an active alcoholic and we are going through a divorce. I participated in the craziness.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 30
- watered down his drink
- went through the trash to count the bottles
- marked the bottle to see how much he drank since yesterday
- participated in his crazy hamster wheel conversations and got drained ,, EVERY,,SINGE ,,TIME
did all these things to prove ( To Him!) that i knew he was drinking ...duh
- went through the trash to count the bottles
- marked the bottle to see how much he drank since yesterday
- participated in his crazy hamster wheel conversations and got drained ,, EVERY,,SINGE ,,TIME
did all these things to prove ( To Him!) that i knew he was drinking ...duh
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
It is a good measure of how healthy we are becoming when we can see that shift in perspective, that we didn't "have" to do any of it, were not "made" to participate in any of the insanity.
Also a good reminder about how cunning and baffling addiction is - and why it is important to strengthen and flex the impulses that keep us on our own side of the street.
As addiction evolves in a person we love it uses all the normal behaviors of a loved one in a relationship to serve the addiction, so we can forgive ourselves that at the beginning we were duped. We had to catch on to the manipulation of the addict, and that is hard at first and takes some of us longer than others on that journey.
Once we know differently we can react and behave differently and that makes all the difference! We have the power within once we have the knowledge.
But this is also why it is so important for sober spouses of alcoholics with children to recognize that children are learning about EVERYTHING, about all the rules of life and love and health and stress management and relationships, from the environment they are raised in.
Before I knew better I participated in volumes of insanity, I really could write a book of stuff I did. Some relatively clean highlights LOL:
--Protecting Dad from Mom, not wanting Mom to see that Dad was drinking, or how much he had drank, or that he was drunk I would create all kinds of distractions (and I was little!!) because Mom's whole mood ruled the house and if she was pissed off it was a nightmare for all of us! From my very childish perspective, for a loooong time, Mom was the only problem, she was nuts (so sad that I saw it that way).
--Cleaning up vomit of A brother's, cleaning up relative's couches pissed on by A brother, dry cleaning A brother's suit that he pissed on at cousin's wedding, storing A brother's stuff in my apt. at my own expense and hassle, paying A brother's car insurance/rent/electric bill because, "I'm a little short this month..." buying beer for A brother when he was laid up by injury, making excuses for A brother's boorish behavior, answering late night phone calls of drama, constant pretending that everything is OK when at events or family gatherings where A brothers were wasted out of their minds; not speaking up when Mom kept fridge stocked with beer and also complains about her A sons drinking....
And so much more that I just find so shameful to recount. UGH.
All I can say is I am damn glad I know better now. And damn glad the past is gone!! The hardest stuff to unravel was the stuff I learned as a kid....still unraveling, and it's a painful yet wonderful journey!
Peace,
B
Also a good reminder about how cunning and baffling addiction is - and why it is important to strengthen and flex the impulses that keep us on our own side of the street.
As addiction evolves in a person we love it uses all the normal behaviors of a loved one in a relationship to serve the addiction, so we can forgive ourselves that at the beginning we were duped. We had to catch on to the manipulation of the addict, and that is hard at first and takes some of us longer than others on that journey.
Once we know differently we can react and behave differently and that makes all the difference! We have the power within once we have the knowledge.
But this is also why it is so important for sober spouses of alcoholics with children to recognize that children are learning about EVERYTHING, about all the rules of life and love and health and stress management and relationships, from the environment they are raised in.
Before I knew better I participated in volumes of insanity, I really could write a book of stuff I did. Some relatively clean highlights LOL:
--Protecting Dad from Mom, not wanting Mom to see that Dad was drinking, or how much he had drank, or that he was drunk I would create all kinds of distractions (and I was little!!) because Mom's whole mood ruled the house and if she was pissed off it was a nightmare for all of us! From my very childish perspective, for a loooong time, Mom was the only problem, she was nuts (so sad that I saw it that way).
--Cleaning up vomit of A brother's, cleaning up relative's couches pissed on by A brother, dry cleaning A brother's suit that he pissed on at cousin's wedding, storing A brother's stuff in my apt. at my own expense and hassle, paying A brother's car insurance/rent/electric bill because, "I'm a little short this month..." buying beer for A brother when he was laid up by injury, making excuses for A brother's boorish behavior, answering late night phone calls of drama, constant pretending that everything is OK when at events or family gatherings where A brothers were wasted out of their minds; not speaking up when Mom kept fridge stocked with beer and also complains about her A sons drinking....
And so much more that I just find so shameful to recount. UGH.
All I can say is I am damn glad I know better now. And damn glad the past is gone!! The hardest stuff to unravel was the stuff I learned as a kid....still unraveling, and it's a painful yet wonderful journey!
Peace,
B
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
I was supposed to go to a seminar a couple hours flight away. AH took me to the airport, and said he didn't feel well enough to stay until the flight took off, he just had to go home and go to bed. (This was way, way before 9/11, so he could have hung out with me.)
Not long after he left, my flight was cancelled. Soon after that, I was informed that the soonest they could get me to my destination, the seminar would be half over, so I cancelled. Called home to get AH to come get me. Of course, he's not home. I waited a couple hours and called again, till no answer. I finally swallowed my pride and called my boss to pick me up and drive me home. Round trip for him was better than two hours.
AH had been out drinking, and had arrived home a few minutes before Boss dropped me off. I'm sure Boss has forgotten it, but I haven't.
Not long after he left, my flight was cancelled. Soon after that, I was informed that the soonest they could get me to my destination, the seminar would be half over, so I cancelled. Called home to get AH to come get me. Of course, he's not home. I waited a couple hours and called again, till no answer. I finally swallowed my pride and called my boss to pick me up and drive me home. Round trip for him was better than two hours.
AH had been out drinking, and had arrived home a few minutes before Boss dropped me off. I'm sure Boss has forgotten it, but I haven't.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 128
Many of these things here. Recently I'm noticing more subtle things that I allow. Believing his sorry and even inventing so much more meaning into that sorry, again and again. Believing his comments about who I am, crying, feeling his pain when he had it. Believing his lies to me and to himself. Thinking too much. Feeling disappointed and rejected. Again and again.
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