Question about leaving
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 42
Question about leaving
I was curious if any of you had ever decided to leave your marriage/relationship even though your A decided they wanted to get help? Just a little back story, will try to keep it brief. My husband went to treatment a year ago and came out and pretty much started drinking again right away. It has of course gotten progressively worse over the past year. (He also has depression and anxiety which have also worsened). The past couple of months he has missed a ton of work because he says his anxiety is so bad and is spending a ton of money on alcohol. I had finally gotten to the point where I felt like I was ready to leave recently; I even started another thread on it. Then my son broke his arm and I haven’t had a chance to meet with an attorney yet, etc. Fast forward to yesterday, he said he is sick of how he’s feeling and he’s worried about me leaving and he now wants to do something about it. I was just starting to get over the guilt of feeling like I wanted to leave and now this is ramping up my guilt meter again and making me second guess things. I’m going to talk things out with my counselor tomorrow, but I was just curious if anyone decided to leave anyway even if their qualifier was in recovery. Thanks!!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
yeah, I did.
Not only that, he suddenly wanted to go to marriage counseling and wanted to fix all the stuff that had been broken by his lies.
We were living separately and tried counseling. It was too little too late for me. Plus he wanted me to arrange everything and make all the phone calls and do the reminders.
Dude, I have enough on my plate, and I've been asking for this for years.
I decided I coudn't do it.
You'll either get to that point, or you won't. Trust your instincts. Guilt is overrated.
Not only that, he suddenly wanted to go to marriage counseling and wanted to fix all the stuff that had been broken by his lies.
We were living separately and tried counseling. It was too little too late for me. Plus he wanted me to arrange everything and make all the phone calls and do the reminders.
Dude, I have enough on my plate, and I've been asking for this for years.
I decided I coudn't do it.
You'll either get to that point, or you won't. Trust your instincts. Guilt is overrated.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I fell into the trap of listening to his words which always sounded positive and hopeful. Each and every single time I had had enough he’d jump into some kind of recovery, talked a good game for a while then right back to the exact same place I was standing when I wanted out. It becomes a cycle of false control - I’m leaving if you don’t X,Y,Z to ok now they are doing X,Y, Z so I go back into positive hopeful mode. That cycle went on for years.
What took me a long time to break away from that cycle was learning that it was all in their actions NEVER in their words. And by actions I mean full-fledged will do anything for their recovery today right now and then actually stick with it for a long period of time.
It doesn’t sound like your husband wanted recovery a year ago, it sounds like he went because he was given an ultimatum or pushed into it.
What took me a long time to break away from that cycle was learning that it was all in their actions NEVER in their words. And by actions I mean full-fledged will do anything for their recovery today right now and then actually stick with it for a long period of time.
It doesn’t sound like your husband wanted recovery a year ago, it sounds like he went because he was given an ultimatum or pushed into it.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
I did too. Most A's have that sixth sense of when they should pull out all the stops so to speak. My xah promised the moon and back, several times. In the end, those promises were always more empty words that prolonged my agony and kept me engaged longer than I needed to be. Trust actions, not words.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
and he now wants to do something about it.
that is not an action step. that is just words about what he thinks he might want to do, maybe, at some point. he could have addressed this at any point in time. it is only now when the status quo might change that he's making noise. and he's making you the central character.....if you stay, then i will..........until i'm sure you aren't leaving, then i will revert to old behaviors.
if he was serious he'd looking up AA meetings or other support groups and parking his butt in a chair AT a meeting tonite, or calling his primary care physician for an honest talk and recommedations, or looking up addiction specialists for one on one counseling. he'd ditch the excuses, and make sobriety his #1 priority. now, not next week.
that is not an action step. that is just words about what he thinks he might want to do, maybe, at some point. he could have addressed this at any point in time. it is only now when the status quo might change that he's making noise. and he's making you the central character.....if you stay, then i will..........until i'm sure you aren't leaving, then i will revert to old behaviors.
if he was serious he'd looking up AA meetings or other support groups and parking his butt in a chair AT a meeting tonite, or calling his primary care physician for an honest talk and recommedations, or looking up addiction specialists for one on one counseling. he'd ditch the excuses, and make sobriety his #1 priority. now, not next week.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
...what everyone said already and then some.
The 'active' addict doesn't want their complacency disturbed and your addict is sensing something is in the works on changing their 'comfort zone'.
That's when they'll come to us, out of no where, and make more promises they have no intention on keeping. It's only words to buy them more time in hopes you'll fall into a place of 'normalcy' again...
Their words = nothing.
Their actions AFTER you've done something, like leave them = not much more (in my opinion), if anything, a little too late.
Here's the kicker for me:
I think about what my sister went through with her AH and what their counselor advised them: even though a person goes rehab and the addict stays sober, most marriages fail because the loved one has been trashed through it all and can't let go, or the recovering addict has changed to the degree that the marriage is something THEY no longer want anymore.
So the question becomes: what's our reward?
The 'active' addict doesn't want their complacency disturbed and your addict is sensing something is in the works on changing their 'comfort zone'.
That's when they'll come to us, out of no where, and make more promises they have no intention on keeping. It's only words to buy them more time in hopes you'll fall into a place of 'normalcy' again...
Their words = nothing.
Their actions AFTER you've done something, like leave them = not much more (in my opinion), if anything, a little too late.
Here's the kicker for me:
I think about what my sister went through with her AH and what their counselor advised them: even though a person goes rehab and the addict stays sober, most marriages fail because the loved one has been trashed through it all and can't let go, or the recovering addict has changed to the degree that the marriage is something THEY no longer want anymore.
So the question becomes: what's our reward?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 42
Thank you everyone. Everyone that said it is actions, not words that matter is so true. Yesterday he did make an appointment for an evaluation with a local addiction center so we will see what comes of that.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
imaj79......I imagine that you are having a sigh of relief and a surge of new hope....
The thing is...he will have to commit to a lifetime of abstainence and what amounts to a life-style change....this requires diligently working a program, as h is number one priority in life....mettings, a sponsor, and, working the steps...in order to change thinking...which leads to ch ange in attitude...which leads to change in behaviors. This takes time and work and co mmittment to sobriety.....about 2 to 5yrs. ...depending on who you talk to....
I think that you would do well to go ahead and see that lawyer, and make your plans to be able to live your life independent from him....This wou ld be for your own protection....in case he is not going to go for the Full Monty.
Or, in case that you may decide that there has been too much water under the bridge and you are ready to move on.....
You don't have to stay just because he decides to get sober......you get to decide what you want, in this life......
You might benefit from the following website. It is educational in nature, and, is listed by state.....
www.womansdivorce.com
The thing is...he will have to commit to a lifetime of abstainence and what amounts to a life-style change....this requires diligently working a program, as h is number one priority in life....mettings, a sponsor, and, working the steps...in order to change thinking...which leads to ch ange in attitude...which leads to change in behaviors. This takes time and work and co mmittment to sobriety.....about 2 to 5yrs. ...depending on who you talk to....
I think that you would do well to go ahead and see that lawyer, and make your plans to be able to live your life independent from him....This wou ld be for your own protection....in case he is not going to go for the Full Monty.
Or, in case that you may decide that there has been too much water under the bridge and you are ready to move on.....
You don't have to stay just because he decides to get sober......you get to decide what you want, in this life......
You might benefit from the following website. It is educational in nature, and, is listed by state.....
www.womansdivorce.com
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Join Date: May 2018
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1
what a day
I've been struggling with A for a couple years now...and have certainly made an A** of myself with family. today, my beautiful wife of 45 years said she wants to separate....she's had it.....heard me say things will change many times. Said i'm sorry many times. My situation is we want to sell our house anyway and move into a condo.....but now when the
sale is done....she wants to go separate ways. I'm so messed up now....and very sober. I don't want to lose her. It's going to take more than a year to fix up the house and get it ready for sale. we'll stay together.....but its just like room mates. the romance is gone. I've ruined the relationship. I've been surfing the rooms tonight....and I see i'm not alone. thanks......I'll listen to any advice.
sale is done....she wants to go separate ways. I'm so messed up now....and very sober. I don't want to lose her. It's going to take more than a year to fix up the house and get it ready for sale. we'll stay together.....but its just like room mates. the romance is gone. I've ruined the relationship. I've been surfing the rooms tonight....and I see i'm not alone. thanks......I'll listen to any advice.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Let her go. Let her live her life. She’s given you 45 years and now she wants to live out the rest of her life in peace. I understand what she is feeling and I give her kudos for lasting so long. If you truly love her, let her go.
Originally Posted by jka7749 
I've been struggling with A for a couple years now...and have certainly made an A** of myself with family. today, my beautiful wife of 45 years said she wants to separate....she's had it.....heard me say things will change many times. Said i'm sorry many times. My situation is we want to sell our house anyway and move into a condo.....but now when the
sale is done....she wants to go separate ways. I'm so messed up now....and very sober. I don't want to lose her. It's going to take more than a year to fix up the house and get it ready for sale. we'll stay together.....but its just like room mates. the romance is gone. I've ruined the relationship. I've been surfing the rooms tonight....and I see i'm not alone. thanks......I'll listen to any advice.
sale is done....she wants to go separate ways. I'm so messed up now....and very sober. I don't want to lose her. It's going to take more than a year to fix up the house and get it ready for sale. we'll stay together.....but its just like room mates. the romance is gone. I've ruined the relationship. I've been surfing the rooms tonight....and I see i'm not alone. thanks......I'll listen to any advice.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,669
I am THAT alcoholic...the one who destroyed my marriage. I honestly believed with sincerity that I wanted to stop drinking..but did not. Every family has their breaking point. It took a very, very, very bad rock bottom (and my family abandoning me) for me to finally stop (2 years sober- so I have a little credibiity). The need to stop drinking has to be stronger than the want of it. You cannot put your life, or your families on hold for ever. It is up to each alcoholic to deal with their own recovery- and not depend on family to rescue them. It is selfish.
Addictions has only 1 rule- that there are NO rules.
You cannot control others- and you need to look after you...you deserve to feel happy, at peace and safe.
Prayers and support to you and your family..all of you.
Addiction sucks.
Addictions has only 1 rule- that there are NO rules.
You cannot control others- and you need to look after you...you deserve to feel happy, at peace and safe.
Prayers and support to you and your family..all of you.
Addiction sucks.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
lmaj, don't know if you saw this thread yet, but it speaks to your situation: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ber-i-did.html (It's OK to leave after they recover/get sober - I did)
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 30
I have been there too
Me and my husband were separated ( i was living at my parents' )for a year and a half before i made the decision to divorce. the last time i saw my exAH we were at a marriage counseling and addiction recovery clinic. He made a commitment to get sober/go to rehab to save our marriage .
3 days after the appointment, he told me that he only went for me, he didn't really have a problem, i'm the one with the issues and that I expect too much .
So, please don't feel guilty about leaving on the notion that he MAY or MAY NOT get help.. he also MAY or MAY NOT stay sober. He also might change his mind at any point, brining you back to square one , again.
I know how difficult it is, Ive been divorced a month and I still hurt every day, I think of him all day, and I wonder if he thinks of me. I also wonder if he'll ever make contact. Thats a risk I took when I left and those are my toughest thoughts.
Good luck to you on your journey , sending you prayers and hugs
Me and my husband were separated ( i was living at my parents' )for a year and a half before i made the decision to divorce. the last time i saw my exAH we were at a marriage counseling and addiction recovery clinic. He made a commitment to get sober/go to rehab to save our marriage .
3 days after the appointment, he told me that he only went for me, he didn't really have a problem, i'm the one with the issues and that I expect too much .
So, please don't feel guilty about leaving on the notion that he MAY or MAY NOT get help.. he also MAY or MAY NOT stay sober. He also might change his mind at any point, brining you back to square one , again.
I know how difficult it is, Ive been divorced a month and I still hurt every day, I think of him all day, and I wonder if he thinks of me. I also wonder if he'll ever make contact. Thats a risk I took when I left and those are my toughest thoughts.
Good luck to you on your journey , sending you prayers and hugs
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Yesterday he did make an appointment for an evaluation with a local addiction center so we will see what comes of that.
I hope it works better for you than it did for me. My now exah went to one and came home saying he wasn't an alcoholic cos they said so and get this...he needed more sex and me to be a more supportive wife. He only went cos he knew the wheels had fallen off finally and was hoping to maintain the status quo a bit longer. He's still drinking and has many health issues and near death experiences cos of it but he not an alcoholic..oh no...they said so ..of course he lied to them.
I hope it works better for you than it did for me. My now exah went to one and came home saying he wasn't an alcoholic cos they said so and get this...he needed more sex and me to be a more supportive wife. He only went cos he knew the wheels had fallen off finally and was hoping to maintain the status quo a bit longer. He's still drinking and has many health issues and near death experiences cos of it but he not an alcoholic..oh no...they said so ..of course he lied to them.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by imaj79
Thank you everyone. Everyone that said it is actions, not words that matter is so true. Yesterday he did make an appointment for an evaluation with a local addiction center so we will see what comes of that.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Yes, absolutely.
The point in time when events reach critical mass as to where it is no longer possible to continue as is.
I view it as my rock bottom. Nothing he could say or do from that point forward would bring me back.
He is sober now - more like a dry drunk, and occasionally rages at my unwillingness to “connect” - because he has been sober for 2 years! Although I am grateful he is as he is able to somewhat be there for my child - it’s also none of my business at the same time
I feel guilty at times, but then he does something that reminds me as to why I left him, and balance in the Universe is once again restored. No guilt here.
The point in time when events reach critical mass as to where it is no longer possible to continue as is.
I view it as my rock bottom. Nothing he could say or do from that point forward would bring me back.
He is sober now - more like a dry drunk, and occasionally rages at my unwillingness to “connect” - because he has been sober for 2 years! Although I am grateful he is as he is able to somewhat be there for my child - it’s also none of my business at the same time
I feel guilty at times, but then he does something that reminds me as to why I left him, and balance in the Universe is once again restored. No guilt here.
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