cece

I am finding that it is hard when your child is in jail to stop obsessing.

Even when I have finally accepted that my son is right where he needs to be if he is to stand a chance at beginning his own road to recovery, I will still obsess about it. Even my constant thinking that this is a good thing is still obsessing. My obsessing will only start my expectations up again. Sigh....

My Higher Power which I call God has been speaking to me in many ways today reminding me to get the Focus On Me and my recovery.

My Sunday morning meeting is at a lake. So I arrive early to power walk (at least I call it that! LOL) for an hour before the meeting. As I am walking, I am listening to a great playlist that I have created of inspirational songs that remind me God is walking with me. Yet, while I am walking and listening I am thinking this song would help my son. Or I wonder how he is feeling? Is he angry, or sad? I had to constantly redirect my mind back to my peace, and finding my serenity, by noticing the beautiful day around me.

And then at my meeting twice I hear someone mention the line that is in most recovery approved literature, "Praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."

This has always been a tough one for me because I believe we should pray for each other, especially our loved ones.

Yet today I think I got an understanding of why it is written this way.
The focus is supposed to be on me.
The Line does say "Only for knowledge of his will for us. " I'd like to believe the "us" can include my son. So I will still pray for him. But I will try to focus my prayers regarding my son on my acceptance of God's will for my son.
But I really need to keep the focus on me right now
Much easier said than done.
I find that I am good at meetings or while reading literature, but within times of silence, my mind will wander to my son.
It is showing me how obsessive my thinking is when it comes to him.

I read a great line in the literature today that said that even suggesting AA or NA can postpone an addicts acceptance. I am sure especially when it comes from a Mom who often felt she had all the answers to a son who is tired of listening to her.
It takes A LOT of Faith to believe that God is far more powerful than I at reaching my son if he is ready to listen.
"Head and Hands off Mom" is what I am hearing today.
Which I have not followed this past week. Oh Well)

It is a tough balance and I need to keep asking for guidance.

Freedom1990

"Thy will be done, not mine."

The difference between God's will and mine is that my will hurts, every time!

It's ironic that as a recovering alcoholic/addict, I am the least person to be able to help my daughters.

Then someone told me I may be the only Big Book my kids ever read, meaning I demonstrate my own recovery, and that's what they see each day...me practicing recovery.

Some days are better than others. There are days that I fall short and I can obsess like there's no tomorrow. The good news is those days are less and less as I continue working my own recovery.

One of the hardest things to do was to learn how to sit in a quiet room by myself. I was terrified. I always had something (or someone) else to focus on.

The truth was I didn't know me, and I was afraid of what I would discover if I did get to know me!

Actually I'm a pretty neat gal! Sure I have my faults, but I've got some strong attributes too. I'm compassionate, loving, funny, and generous. I had to learn how to use those attributes without going overboard. Before, opening up my wallet when I couldn't afford it to an addict in my life was "generous." Compassion was putting someone else's needs before my own.

You're a neat lady too! Your experiences you share here help me. How about that? I see the baby steps you are taking, and that's fantastic. Warmest of hugs from windy Kansas.

cece

Thank you!!!
Such a great post for me and I am sure others!
We all need to stick together here!!

Ann

Cece, that alone would inspire me.

This thread is so well written, it's what our recovery mean and being a hovering mama isn't part of it. I had my first class Hoverer's License and reluctantly gave it up when I realized I was getting in God's way.

Thank you for sharing, ladies. You made my day.

Ann

psssst...Devon!! Love love love the pup.

Codimum

Hi Cece
I understand what you're going through but I think it's okay to think about our children. We can't just shut them out of our minds completely and we are going to have them crop up in our thoughts..... quite often to begin with until we get a few months or even years behind us in our healing process. I wake up thinking about my son and I go to bed thinking about him and a few times in between. I think and then I let it go. I don't dwell in the sadness as that doesn't help.

You're doing all the right things and as time goes by the thoughts and obsessing will not occur as frequently. I think it's all part of the healing process.

I say this prayer in the morning, during the day and last thing at night. It's from the CoDA book. I was also saying it for my son as it comforts me to do that. I don't think that's wrong.

God, I give to You all that I am and all that I will be for Your healing and direction. Make new this day as I release all my worries and fears, knowing that You are by my side. Please help me to open myself to Your love, to allow Your love to heal my wounds, and to allow Your love to flow through me and from me to those around me. May Your will be done this day and always. Amen


Stay strong Cece!

Anaya

Hugs to you, Cece. You'll get there.

Anaya

I agree with Freedom1990.

And what you've shared over the years, Cece, has been helpful for me as well.