eyes99

Hi everyone. I have a question - is it possible to stay sober at someone? I got really mad at my husband which made me want to prove that I can stay sober. The thing is, I’m still mad at him, and I won’t drink today because I don’t want to lose this fight I’m having with him in my head.

I still go to AA, etc, but does anyone have any experience with this? What happens when you come down from the anger? TIA!

Rar

Well, my tendency is to drink at someone. However, many years ago there was a period of time when my husband and I weren't getting along. I decided I was going to be the best person I could be and embarked on a self improvement quest. I began exercising. I worked out EVERY DAY! I concentrated on ME and not US. I kept up that regular exercise program for over 15 years.

So my guess and my hope, is that you will continue your sobriety because it's for you. Hang in there. Keep doing it for YOU!

biminiblue

As long as you don't drink you will be able to sort through whatever other marital issues you have.

Some people find in sobriety that the relationship gets a lot better, some realize it is irretrievably broken. It does take time to sort through and for that matter it takes time for a sober brain to return to proper function.

May you be given discernment. It definitely harms you to hang on to anger and resentment so I hope you figure out how to let that part go sooner rather than later.

doggonecarl

I think in the long run, anger and resentments work against recovery.

axeman5971

It’s a good thing for now, I suppose.

What happens when you win the fight? What keeps you sober next?

daredevil

If it's possible to drink at someone, then it's possible to stay sober at someone.

tomsteve

What happens when you come down from the anger?
eventually i got drunk.
the BB has something on anger and resentment i found very true for me:

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.

those steps helped me learn the why of the anger and resentments. then gave me a solution to be free of them.

Snowydelrico

What’s that proverb.
Resentment is like drinking the poison yourself and waiting for the resented one to die.

DontRemember

When I was just getting into AA I'd say I was not drinking to 'prove a point' to my now exgf..It wasn't a sustainable thing for solid sobriety for me though. I was drinking again eventually. Sure I wasn't drinking to the extent my former self was,but I was drinking. Sobriety is the sole responsibility of the individual person. Drinking(or not) at 'things' never worked for me.

August252015

Agree with snowydelrico and Carl in particular. I don't believe it is sustainable- it sure wouldn't be for me- to "not drink" for anyone but me. Further, "not drinking" is totally different than recovery for me. You mention AA- I know I need to check myself and my program sometimes to make sure I'm not going TOWARDS "not drinking" territory...

Forward12

I would be mad at myself because i kept drinking.
Your husband has every right to be mad as hell at you as I'm sure he's sick of the excuses.
Prove him, and most importantly, yourself wrong that you are going to get, and stay sober for good.
Go to AA daily, call an addiction center for an evaluation for treatment, whatever it takes. Actions always speak louder than words.

ROwnWorstEnemy

By taking the high road, you always win. Nothing kills em quicker than kindness

Berrybean

Have you ever seen the Anger Iceberg diagram? I'd suggest googling it and taking a reflective look, and trying to understand what is underneath your rage so you can acknowledge it (to yourself) so you're more likely to be able to drop that resentment.

Sobriety is something wonderful and beautiful. It'd be a shame to turn it into a weapon in an argument with someone you love.

Also, you may feel shoddy the next day from your raging and anger. Those emotional hangovers can be very very real. If so, I'd suggest that you rehydrate, eat, write a gratitude list, forgive and apologise wherever needed (Not because they necessarily deserve it, but because you'll feel better if your side of the road is clean and sparkly) , get to a meeting and resolve to have a happier day.

Do you have a sponsor yet? If not, that's possibly something worth sorting out soon. Meetings in themselves aren't the program of recovery. Those 12-steps can be a life changer!

BB

eyes99

Thanks everyone. Lots to think about. The anger has subsided, although it was warranted. I still have to work on the fact that I’m best when I’m indignant, or trying to “prove something”. I’m better at work, better at sobriety, etc. It’s my MO and I have to figure out what relationship that has with my long term sobriety.

Midwest1981

I think ultimately you have to do it for yourself . You have to love yourself enough to stop the drinking for it to last long term.