Buckley3

Checking in.

Life has become extraordinarily busy.

The move is in full effect. This week has been a process of managing the coordination of ordering some new furniture, getting utilities hooked up, and planning how to move essentials from the old to the new. All in the face of work which is blowing up in terms of busy and responsibilities to attend to.

The status of my license - restricted to certain hours as a result of my pending OWI case - demands that I maintain a plan and stay organized in how I do things.

I've also initiated outpatient treatment - both to satisfy my own desire to do so as well as to satisfy the court's requirement that will come with my eventual conviction. Might as well kill two birds with one stone and demonstrate to the court proactively that I am addressing the underlying issues that led to my OWI.

It's a whirlwind. But I'm doing good and do not desire to drink.

In the meantime I'm facing the eminent possibility of foreclosure on my home. I specifically chose to isolate the financial wreckage of both the OWI incident and the years of irresponsible financial management to my home to avoid bankruptcy. But that is proving to not make it any easier to face. I need to call the bank today to inform them that I do not intend - nor do I have the means - to catch up on my mortgage but that I do intend to have my house on the market within 30 days and that I anticipate it selling within 90.

Fortunately there is enough equity to cover the mortgage and the 2nd. If I'm lucky - and depending on how much money and time I put into preparing (paint, carpet, and a few other tweaks) I may get lucky and actually pay everyone off and walk out with a couple thousand.

Hopefully the bank will be reasonable and see that even if they push the foreclosure that legally in my state I can request mediation that would likely end up in an agreement for me to sell the house per my plan to satisfy my obligation without the need to go through the foreclosure.

In any case, I need to face it. It's one more aspect of the mess I made in my life as an alcoholic that I own. It will be behind me soon enough. I am already in the process of coming to peace with even the worst case - that I give in to feeling overwhelmed by it all, say screw it and just let them foreclose without putting much time, money, or energy into navigating a better outcome.

I'm not proud of the situation. It's not lost on me that as I share this experience that to an outside it could very well be perceived as a kind of "look at this loser" type thing. That voice is there. But what's more important to me right now is to be transparent and honest with myself about the situation and face it, deal with it, bring it to a resolution so that I can continue the process of moving on with my life. I refuse to be a victim. And I refuse to carry myself as though I am defeated.

I am within months of being free from the worst of my situation. The excitement that is building on a daily basis about the possibilities of sobriety continue to build. My belief in the quality of life that exist on the other side of these things squash any shame or guilt I feel or any sense of obligation or judgmental perceptions from others. I am grateful that I'm able to continue to grow emotionally stronger to find acceptance and peace and let go of the attachments that my AV uses to try to trap me, defeat me and tear me down.

I've been actively practicing living in the moment. I'm still an amateur mess at it and not very good. But little by little - and with the help and reflection from a couple of wonderful friends - I'm growing in my ability to recognize that when my brain begins drifting into thoughts about other places or other times or other possibilities that it's simply a distraction to my ability to see that there's only now and that now can be a wonderful moment.

I feel awake and I'm grateful for it.

-B

Rar

Good Morning Buckley. You're doing a superb job. I can't imagine having to deal with everything you have to do - they myriad of paperwork coming your way, packing, cleaning, phone conversations, etc. It sounds like things are really coming together for you. You are so organized and doing a tremendous job. There is no way I would even think the word 'loser' about you in any of your posts.

lessgravity

Buck - now that is post. Sounds like you are putting in the work my friend. Is there anything else we can do?

Further we get from our last bout with the poison, the more we stifle the beast, the more we can right our respective ships.

I'm feeling at times similar feelings regarding all the rest of life that I have neglected/ignored/harmed/avoided. It's stressful and there are regrets.

BUT to feel awake, like you say, is The Thing.

Good luck with your home and all the other aspects of your life that need attending to. I'll be working over here on my patch of grass as well.

Sober.

Eaglelizard

Sounds good, Buckley, just get through it step by step. In my struggles, I often think of that scene from Cool Hand Luke where they have a whole road to pave in the Texas heat and Luke's response is to pick up the pace and make it into a game. Sometimes not a bad approach to the unpleasant but necessary tasks we face as we clean up the mess.

apollo986

Great post Buck! Your doing great. I respect your honesty and candor. Like you,
I'm learning that living in the present is the way. Not easy at first but it's getting easier.

Culture

It's hard sometimes to just live in the moment and just be, but totally necessary to stop the panic taking over. Like you I also have to move and at this moment I can't find anywhere else to live but I do know one thing, this situation would be 100 times worse if I was still drinking. I am just taking it one day at a time and staying positive.
Stay strong Buckley