blueeyes84

Good evening,

My name is Rachel. I am new to this group so please forgive me if I say something wrong and please let me know! I don't know where to begin...I fell in love with an alcoholic.

We met a bar of all places and I was not looking for a relationship or love. I had just gotten out of a 6 year relationship with my ex fiancé who left me 20 days before our wedding, so I have major trust issues. Needless to say I met this man who made me laugh and we had a great time and he made me forget about my past. Long story short, we ended up dating and feel in love. Soon enough, we were in a committed relationship. He did tell me from the beginning that de did not have his license because of a DUI. I could accept that, it was something I could overlook and I didn't think he had a drinking problem. Our entire first year together was amazing, he made me feel beautiful and loved. We did go out and drink together and with friends, but he always handled himself fine. I never thought he was an alcoholic. A year into our relationship, we bought a puppy together and got a place together. This is where I saw the bad side of him. When he drank, he turned into another person, I never knew how our night was going to end. He would either be loud and annoying or angry and start fights. He started pissing the bed at our house and at my friends houses when he drank.

I still truly didn't think he was an alocohlic because he did not drink during the week, only the weekends. But when he drank, it got ugly. This was a new side to him I had never seen. One night he drank so much he said terrible things to me, I recorded it so he could hear it in the morning. He even went as far as saying he would harm my brother or father. Nothing made sense, he had a great relationship with my family. That night, I poured out all of his alcohol and he punched holes into every single wall in our apartment. I locked the door and left him alone and cried myself to sleep.

The next morning I realized he is an alcoholic. I told him he needed to pack his things and leave. He said he didn't want too- so I told him its either me or the booze, you decide. He picked me.

I helped him get sober, he refuses help from doctors or AA because he has said he's done it in the past and it doesn't do anything. He got sober for 11.5 months (almost a year) and I thought, WOW! WE MADE IT!!!!

That past sober year he was so loving and wonderful. Sure, we had arguments but our life seemed so great. We had fun without alcohol and I knew he was changing and improving for himself and me.

In that year, I started having medical issues. I gained 50 plus pounds, and I started falling and tripping. I am 33 years old. I went to several doctors who told me I was just depressed, but I wasn't. After several doctors I found out the problems. I was diagnosed with PCOS, which caused the severe weight gain, but whats worse is that I was diagnosed with MS- Multiple Sclerosis on top of it. After we found out, I was sad and angry- he didn't say much so I felt like he didn't care. However, he finally said were going to get though this together Rachel. You helped me, and I will help you- we got this.

Unfortunetly, my job laid me off because I had so many appointments for the MS. So I found myself unemployed. However, I was OK because I had my best friend helping me with my diagnosis. We celebrated our 2 year anniversary together and he bought me a ring and other gifts, not an engagement ring. But, we agreed at the end of our lease we were going to buy a house together. We agreed we wanted to get married and have a house.

A few weeks later, OUT OF NOWHERE, he broke up with me!! I was devastated and I didn't understand. What did I do wrong to him? I helped him with his demons, addictions, and helped drive him literally everywhere!!!! He still doesn't have a license- I found out it was his 3rd DUI.

I sat there crying myself to sleep, I had just lost my job, was diagnosed with MS, and the person I thought I was going to marry was abandoning me and broke up with me and I didn't know why.

I kept asking why? He said he wasn't happy with our relationship anymore. I didn't understand, we had a great sex life, were alcohol free, and enjoyed doing anything together. He genuninely seemed happy!!!! So I asked him, are you breaking up with me so you can drink again? He said absolutely not, I am just not happy.

Well 2 days later he came home **** faced. After a year of sobriety, and he kept coming home drunk and wanting to start fights. You may be asking yourself why we were still living together. I asked him to leave and he said he wouldn't because his name was on the lease. So we moved to separate bedrooms.

I then started getting worse, falling a lot more, needing help walking, numbness in my body and I can't feel my feet. Doctors are trying to figure out the right medication for me. I finally told him I have enough **** going on in my life, I can't handle you coming home drunk. He said OK, that he would stay at a friends house when he drinks.

SO it's only been 3 weeks, we are broken up but still live in the same apartment and on the weekends he goes out to drink and stays at a friends house. I hate that he is here because A) I still love him B) I need help doing certain things, I can barely walk our dog now because she is 70 pounds and my MS makes things harder. It's almost better to have him here to help me out because it's not safe for me to be alone with my condition. However, since he takes our dog out 4X per day, I agreed to drive and pick him up from work. I hate that I am doing this to a man that betrayed me, but I feel like I have to because he is helping with our dog, and helps me physically if I need it. Our lease does not end until August. I still love him but we will never get back together, he makes that very clear.

In addition, he tells me he loves me everyday. I ask why do you say that? He says, because I do love you Rachel were just not right for each other. So I blame myself everyday because I don't know what I did for him to fall out of love with me. On top of that, we have a vacation booked in June that I can't get any money back for. None of my friends or family can go and take his place and he says he still wants to go. I literally feel so lost.

DO you think he ended things just so he could drink again? He has told me that he didn't like me "controlling" his drinking. Everyone says to kick him out, but thats easier said than done when you have a chronic illness. Now, I feel like I am going to be alone forever and all I wanted was a family. I am just heartbroken.

RainingButtons

Hello Rachel,

My heart is heavy reading your post I feel your pain so much. I’m also not in a great place to advise as I too am in a dark place but this forum is a great source of comfort and I know that you will be welcomed and get a great deal of fab advice from people.

For what it’s worth - here are my initial thoughts. One thing that strikes me about your situation is that so far nothing’s actually changed for him? Except of course he can now drink as much as he likes, avoid his responsibility to you and he still gets you driving him around! I can’t help but wonder what his plans are moving forward from August, have either of you got another place to go or will one of you resign the lease as an individual? Who will keep the dog? Is he capable to keep a dog when he’s on a drinking bender? Do you do all the other stuff for the dog like feed him, working, vets visits, clean up any messes etc? You need a plan for the dog - maybe a dog walker could call in each day for you? Then you won’t feel so reliant on him to do it.

I think the dynamics have changed a lot since you got together with him. He liked being the hero - the funny guy that picked you up when you were feeling vulnerable in the beginning (I get that - this is how I met my AH! In a pub right after my split with first husband). But then you got sick and he can’t handle it. Alcoholics are selfish. If I ever got sick I don’t know that my AH would be much help to me either but he loved having me care for him after his op! Waiting on him hand and foot. This way he gets to keep all the good bits about being with you (you are his chauffeur and maybe cook/cleaner/laundry maid?) plus it’s ultra convinent for him and drink too. Just my thoughts? Him telling you he loves you is cruel and it’s keeping you dangling on a thread. I have just read a book by Lundy Bancroft called “Should I stay or should I go?” I think you’d find it really eye opening.

Hugs from me anyway and sending positive vibes your way x

PhoenixJ

R- from my experience of being the abusive alcoholic...he is keeping a hold on you for security..a place to sleep, someone he can control....
Let him go. He also has had violent tendencies.
Get some counseling for you, if you can.
MS sucks....but it is good you are pursuing treatment. It is a bit unfair being sacke for illness..perhaps you might want to look into that.
Support to you.

ExMrsLopez

Dear Rachel,

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. As you will see, many of us have been through exactly what you're now going through. I too had to share an apartment with my spouse whose drinking became worse. I finally just up and left a month ago.

I agree with PhoenixJ, being dismissed because of medical appointments seems a bit harsh and you may want to consult an attorney to see if your rights were violated in any way. I am sure you're eligible for unemployment, just be sure to apply when you're able to work because not being physically able to will disqualify you from collecting the benefit.

I can tell you that the behavior your boyfriend is displaying is not unusual. My husband does the same things. They love us, they love us not.

They love us when there's nobody else around to put up with them.

They hold onto us just in case they need us to bail them out of some jam. Like paying their rent, their utility bills, food. I made sure before I left to have the lease assigned to his name, and I took all the utilities out of my name as well. Last night he asked me to send him money, which I will never do. He has caused me great financial distress, now he has to deal with his own. (Oh my, people really do reap what they sow!)

I still have access to bank account information and I can see that his paycheck is going to nothing but alcohol, so it's only a matter of time before he either looses his job, his apartment, or causes harm to someone or himself. Or all of the above.

I can't stop this, it's no longer my responsibility, and I'm married to this moron! You're not married to this guy, and that is a big plus.

I think you should focus on YOU. Get your medical treatment in order, apply for unemployment, hire a dog walker, and enlist the aid of your friends and family to assist you. Don't rely on your boyfriend, leave him to his own devices. I've resigned myself to the fact that my husband may be headed for bottom here, but I refuse to go on that journey with him. You have your own journey to undertake now and if he's not going to help, cut him loose.

I hope this situation gets easier, we're all here for support when needed.

FeelingGreat

Rachel, what a terrible time you're going through. This is when you should concentrate on yourself to try and reduce the stress which will be making your condition worse. What can you do for yourself?

- See if you can get legal aid to find out your rights re your employment situation.
- Seek out support groups for your conditions who can help you cope with the symptoms and answer some of your questions.
- Try Al-anon for support and better understanding of alcoholism.
- You've guessed he might have broken up with you so he can drink more freely. That has a ring of truth to it. Try not to take it personally, and also attempt to minimise contact with him so you're not having these awful conversations where he keeps you hanging.
- Do you have family and friends you can rely on for comfort and support for a while?

Always feel you can come back to SR to express how you feel and get some feedback. We're here for you.

atalose

I think he ended the relationship because he’s an alcoholic who’s first commitment will always be to his drinking. Either actually drinking or working on not drinking – will always come first. And his drinking or not drinking doesn’t have anything to do with you. You may have felt a sense of “power” over his drinking because you got him to quit for a while but it’s a false sense of power.

I am very sorry for your medical troubles, the added stress of living with an alcoholic doesn’t help. I think if I were you I’d use these next few months to work on untangling yourself from him and any obligation to him you might have like driving him to work. The dog is a whole other issue and one that will need to be negotiated on who will get him? With your medical condition is it really practical for you to have a dog that you cannot fully care for? You need to focus on your finances and living on your own. Look into and see what kind of financial aid might be available to you. If working is not possible right now what about disability? What financial aid might be available to help you start over in a new location?

The busier you get with your own future the less time you have to look at him and what is going on or not going on his life. Keep busy, get out to meetings, therapy, counseling, something to help you help yourself instead of just waiting for these months to pass when the lease is up. You need to be fully prepared for when that happens.

SmallButMighty

Rachel, I am sorry to hear of your troubles. You really do have a plate full. I have a cousin who has MS, she says stress is the main thing that causes her symptoms to flare up.

Living with an alcoholic is stressful, living with your ex who happens to be an alcoholic is even more stressful. I've done both. In my situation I thought it was the right thing to do. we had been married a long time and still had a son at home. I also stayed for financial reasons, and because I knew if he left there were things I could not physically take care of myself. I didn't know what else TO do. I destroyed my mental and emotion health by living in the same space as him (and he was gone 20 days a month for work!). My stress level was through the roof and I developed incapacitating anxiety.

If he refuses to leave, I highly suggest that you find another place to live. You need to focus on what you can do to arrest your MS symptoms and you can not do that when you are bombarded by the antics of not only an ex, but an alcoholic ex.

I know you are looking for answers as to WHY he has done and said the things he has done and said.. but it is impossible for us to understand the irrationality of an alcoholic. You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure that stuff out, and in the end it actually doesn't even matter...What's done is done, for whatever reason it was done for... it sucks, but it is what it is.

He is manipulating you. He is using emotional blackmail. You don't have to let him do that.

Please, please,please take are of you. You have so much to deal with right now, you shouldn't have to be taking care of that man-child who "loves" you but doesn't want to be with you...unless of course you are driving him where he needs to go... eff that.

Sending you a *BIG HUG*

iamsolost

Rachel, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I am on the other side of the coin. I am an alcoholic. My ten-year marriage recently ended, not due to alcoholism, but infidelity on my partner's behalf.

We tried living together even after, to "keep it normal" for the kids. After several months of him seeing someone else and coming home like nothing was going on, I couldn't fake it anymore. Every time he walked in the door, any self-respect I had vanished. I ended up asking him to leave, because I simply could not respect myself for letting him stay and trying to keep up a charade.

Letting him stay, knowing he was betraying my trust and didn't care, drove my self-esteem and mental health into the ground.

FreedomCA

I think the relationship took a turn for the worse when you developed MS and then spiraled downward. It’s not your fault at all for getting MS. I just think it was too stressful for your boyfriend, and it was enough stress for him to justify going back to drinking. He chose you over alcohol at first, but then he chose alcohol over you with the MS. Sorry this happened to you.

teatreeoil007

Welcome Rachel... this is a good place my dear.... so sorry for what you’re going through and sending you hugs 🤗

Sasha1972

In my limited experience, stresses of any kind can send the alcoholic out of non-drinking mode and straight back to drinking. An illness in a loved one might qualify. This is NOT to say that you are responsible in any way for him drinking - that is a choice that he made, not something that anyone has forced him to do. In short, he's acting like an addict.

Being able to drink - whether actually drinking or not - is like a security blanket for a lot of alcoholics, and any life situation which might result in them having limits on their ability to drink - like taking care of a partner who needs their help - is like having their blankie pulled away. I am using babyish metaphors like "security blankie" deliberately, because it's an immature, self-centred way to view the world. As long as he's drinking, he still has his blankie. When he was living with you and not actively drinking, he knew he could go back to drinking at any time if he wanted to. He didn't break up with you "out of the blue", he broke up with you because of deeply engrained addict behaviors which were reactivated.

I agree with the previous posters, he made his choice (alcohol over a relationship), and now the question is what you are going to do for yourself. Grief and rage are completely normal reactions in this miserable circumstance. Please try to combine them with actions - to manage your MS, to get your finances back in order, and to secure your living arrangements. From my experience, actions, even tiny ones, will start to make you feel a bit better.

Wamama48

What SmallbutMighty said here......"I know you are looking for answers as to WHY he has done and said the things he has done and said". I remember reading here on SR, something that helped me accept that I may never know WHY, is that you can't rationalize with the irrational.

Freedom1990

Rachel, welcome to SR. You have landed among a great group of people.

I'm feeling pretty exhausted this evening, but I do want to post more to you later.

Stick around, keep posting, and there is tons of information in the "sticky" notes at the top of the forum.

Warm hugs from Kansas!

blueeyes84

Thank you all for your kind thoughts! I guess I should have explained things a little better...

Yes we are living together because BOTH of our names our on the lease. He refuses to leave, but he is paying rent. I cannot abandon my lease and not pay my portion, that will just cause potential credit suffering and eviction.

I do not have anywhere to stay, my family is hours away, and unfortunately most of my friends diminished when I stayed with him.

However, to answer some questions:
I am collecting unemployment, so this is a huge help in the meantime until our lease is up. I am also able to work, I just haven't found the right job yet that will be accommodating with my MS. I am in the early stages of MS. Yes, I have trouble with walking, but this is only sometimes. I am still capable of walking my dog, but it is not always to easiest task to do, which is why I have him help. No, I do not like taking him to work, but we agreed to help one another until our lease is up. I laid down ground rules. NO drinking in our apartment and if he goes out to drink he just stay somewhere else.

Suprisngly, we get along good when alcohol is not involved. Also, I am using this time to focus on ME. I use him gym (for free) because he is the manager and this helps a lot financially. I am down 25 pounds since starting Metformin for my PCOS and working out. I swim and I strength train. I still have about about another 50 pounds to lose.

I do actively go to MS support groups and seek therapy for everything going on. My counselor agreed that it is good for him to be here to help with my assistance until they can find the right meds to manage my pain and problems AS LONG AS HE DOESN"T DRINK HERE, which he is following.

The whole situation is terrible, yes. I am just trying to think of it as almost as using him, as ****** as that sounds. I just keep thinking we can get through these next few months and then I will go month to month until I find another place. In addition, I have been building my credit score and it is in the 700s so my next goal was to get a house. Once I find a job, and I am there until after my probationary period I will be buying a house on my own. I intend to buy a house with a big yard so I can keep my dog and she can go potty and run in the yard. I have thought all of this through. I pay for all vet bills, financially take care of her, and right now he tends to more physically take care of her.

In addition, once I am on my own and I start the right medication I may feel better to walk her, so I am not making any rash choices to giver her away. If I still need help after he leaves, I will hire a dog walker or have her go to a doggy day care because she needs to use her energy.

I think things will eventually get better once I am on my own. I have to accept him living here to pay his portion of the rent, as I cannot let it affect my credit and potential of getting a house. We have 3 months left together and so far its OK - I just have to keep thinking about my future and know that I will be better off without him.

My biggest fear, I hate admitting it- is that once I am on my own I will never find love again. I am 33 years old, and all I ever wanted in life was someone to love and accept me and have a family and kids. I just pray that this can still happen one day and I don't keep picking the wrong men. Thoughts? xoxo

honeypig

blueeyes, this is exactly right. Keeping your focus on yourself, your own growth and learning, your own goals and your own path, is really critical. It's so easy to get sidetracked and sucked back into putting things on hold or putting things aside while you devote your precious time and energy to problems that aren't yours and a life that belongs to someone else. Alanon can help a lot w/that, as can SR. I use both of these resources, taking what is most helpful from each, and it is making a difference in my life in many ways.

Regarding your fears about starting over--this thread might be a good one for you to read: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tart-over.html ("But I'm Too Old to Start Over...")


The same resources mentioned above can help w/this, too. Many, many members here have similar stories of "broken pickers", where they kept making the same mistakes over and over b/c they simply didn't know any better or any different. I never learned what a healthy relationship looked like when I was young, so it really isn't surprising that I kept running the same path over and over--how could I have known to do anything else?

Your health issues make things more complicated for you, but I have to believe that the stress of living with an active A is not going to contribute to your wellbeing in the long run. Again, I know we have members here w/major health issues, so you're not alone.

I hope you can take time to read around the forum, and also to thoroughly check out the "stickies" at the top of the page. Recovery is an active process, and I hope to see you posting more, both in your own thread and the threads of other members.

Wishing you strength and clarity going forward.

PhoenixJ

prayers and support to you

Blueskies18

I think it could help you to keep reading posts here. There are suggestions of readings that can help get you out of the hell of anxious thoughts and the need to try and force a solution to the problem of someone else's alcoholism. I know it's hard to accept, but we do have the capacity to love ourselves, take care of ourselves and to find peace. It's so easy and so normal to try and find a way to make someone else to change so that we can exhale for a moment. But all along, we have the ability to do this on our own. I know that the fatigue and worry that comes with health issues can make it even harder to let go. I wish you peace and quiet, and security in the knowledge that you have support and knowledge to get through these difficult times.

blueeyes84

I just wrote a huge long response to this and posted, it didn't work, ugh so annoyed

blueeyes84

I know I already replied, but let me try to send this again.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and words, I will continue to come on here often. I feel like I have a new support system. Thank you! HUGS!

Just to reiterate, we are in a sticky situation, and yes we need to finish our lease together so I can move on and get a house. We are living in separate rooms and are strictly "roommates". However, I have seen many people say do not give him rides to work, etc.

Thats a slippery slope. I give him a ride to work, so he can pay his bills and half of our rent. I give him a ride because he helps physically and emotionally take care of me with my MS. He also goes with me to all of my doctors appointments. He still is my best friend, although we are not longer in a committed relationship. He has made it clear he is going to take care of me as long as he is here because he is a decent human being. I feel it is the least I can do to give him a ride to work, since he is helping with our dog, the doctors apps, my mobility, and my emotional support. He does go with me to counseling when I ask him too. But we have agreed our relationship will never work, because he knows I am never "OK" with him drinking. He has also agreed to not drink in our apartment until our lease is up. Therefore, I feel, despite the ****** circumstances, that he is willing to help me out and he may not be as selfish as he may seem when he is drunk.

What else am I supposed to do? My family lives far, and I don't have friends here. He is my emotional,moral, physical, and financial support right now. My mom tell me to almost look at is as a business relationship, like we are using each other. I am not UNHAPPY when he is helping me because he is SOBER AT OUR APARTMENT. I do have moments of sadness, knowing that our relationship has ended all because he is choosing alcohol over me. I do know that he loves me but he ultimately needs help.

There are times where I feel like I shouldn't take him to work, but thats when I am hysterical and I over analyze everything in my head. Realistically, it sucks, but we both need each other until we can get our hands out of this lease.

Please don't feel like I am weak, I am trying to keep my credit good and bills paid, and I feel like as long as I am not allowing him to drink or come home drunk, things will be OK for the next few months. The worst part of this entire situation is just the sadness. Some days I am OK, some days I sleep all day and cry myself to sleep knowing he gave up on our relationship. Is this normal?

Also, he has had 3 DUIS, what is the possibility that he will get another one? Did he ever love me? As mean as it sounds, I love him but I want him to realize one day that he had an amazing partner that loved and supported him and I honestly don't know if he will find that again. Also, is it wrong to hope that he is not happy when he is single and drinking? Not that we will ever get back together, but I want him to one day realize everything alcohol has done to him and taken from him.

dandylion

blueyes ......I think that all of the emotions that you ae feeling are normal for the situation that you are in, right now. You are, undoubtedly, grieving for the loss of the relationship, as you knew it...and how you wanted it to proceed......this is very normal, and, even necessary for you to go forward....

Boundaries are for your own protection and for your welfare....
I think that if driving him to work is in your own welfare...since it gives him money for bills and rent, etc.....then I see that as an o.k. and reasonable thing for you to do....