Does anyone not remember most of their childhood?

Old 04-26-2018, 10:56 AM
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Does anyone not remember most of their childhood?

Hi all,

I just had a daughter (via a miracle and a surrogate - long story involving leaving my XRAH, getting pre cancer, recovering from that, losing my fertility, getting one embryo via IVF and finding a surrogate). Anyway having her is bringing up strange childhood issues.

I have this sort of big unknown in my childhood. I know my dad was a quiet drinker (A or not an A not sure but definitely not the healthiest drinker) and my Mom well she was a mean narcissist.

I really have big holes of missing information regarding my childhood. And I have memories I can't explain that don't make sense. For example I have a vivid memory as a child (I was young maybe 4 or 5) of waking up at night, seeing my mom come out of my closet wearing my paint shirt (I wore it to finger paint it was a large shirt), going into my jewelry box (it was a pink barbie one) and stealing my fake jewelry. When I said her name she stared at me and said nothing, I started screaming and then she want back in the closet and my dad and her appeared at the door a few minutes later telling me it was a dream. It seems it had to be a dream but it seemed to real and it haunts me years later...it's strange. Then I have memories of the bad things of her telling the minister at church and his daughter I had "issues" and to "watch" me on the church trips. She did this to me a lot - she would tell other people and me I had issues and was "crazy"...she made me doubt everything. I remember her calling me a ***** when I went to one of those alcohol free clubs and danced with someone and I just overall remember feeling bad. I also have this odd memory of her washing my hair with really hot water as a young kid in the sink. Overall she really made me doubt myself.

I also have some chunks of ok memories like watching ice skating, making cookies and with my dad I have not as many memories but they are good ones. Shopping, playing softball, swimming etc.

But the overall continuity of my childhood is missing...just these weird chunks of memories. I don't remember much about school or life before the age of 14 or so (that's when my dad passed) other than those little chunks I mentioned. I thought of a few others like my cousin playing the flute at Christmas and me reading a book and my mom critically saying "Areyn always with her nose in a book".

I also get this weird feeling when I leave the hall light on to put my daughter to bed at night it's like a memory is trying to come but it can't. I can't explain it.

What I do know now that I have a daughter is I don't think my mom ever connected or attached to me (the attachment bond)....I've begun to wonder if she had PND or something else wrong...I know I never formed that bond with her...the one you are supposed to form with your primary caregiver.

Anyway the point of all this rambling is two fold:
- First I don't want to make the same mistakes with my daughter and I'm terrified....I'm doing all I can to make sure we develop that bond (she's 4 months) but sometimes I'm not sure I'm doing enough.

-Second....is it worth trying to see someone to remember all this stuff? Will knowing what really happened haunt me or hurt me more? Any opinions.....?

It's almost like I hate not knowing and not knowing or remembering is haunting me.

The thing is I was ready to let it go but it's all flooding back not that I have my daughter..

PS - My Mom passed in 2015 so this isn't about rebuilding with her it's just about feeling at peace with me.
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Old 04-26-2018, 11:37 AM
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Maybe a professional would help you to decide whether its worthwhile to remember these things or not.
I think you will do just fine with your daughter, because it matters to you.

best wishes!
chic
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Old 04-26-2018, 12:31 PM
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I have a lot of random memories but nothing cohesive until my early teens. My sister is the same way even though our experiences are very, very different just like our "damages" are very, very different as well.

I got hypnotized to quit smoking years before I started recovery & my therapist was amazed at how easily this method worked for me so we tried to regress into my childhood a bit just for fun. (He was a very trusted friend with a successful practice) My only response was a knee-jerk "No"-as-a-complete-sentence to every attempt he made at getting me to connect with my younger self. I wouldn't even OPEN Pandora's Box at the time - just No. No. No. I could not/would not discuss a single thing until the topic changed & then I was 100% agreeable.

Some stuff I do find relevant to know in the way that it helps me understand some of my triggers. Personally, I have found that parenting my daughter differently than I was parented helps uncover this stuff - when I trigger due to something happening in HER world, I need to step back & examine why. What was happening to me at that age, how did my parents handle this milestone, etc?

Most of the time, in parenting her differently, I wind up re-parenting my Inner Child in this way - actively recognizing how different it was for me then & working through it now. Some things I only remember because DD's experience reminds me of my own in a way I might not have reached for otherwise.

I can't "force" the memories to bubble up but when they trigger naturally, I can deal with them, you know? I can't count the number of times I've helped DD through something really tough that I didn't receive the same compassion for when I was living it at that age - and then I cry myself to sleep or journal through it all later.

That said - I don't go digging just to dig because I can't trust the filter I'm seeing it all through. The memories are old & fuzzy & were formed as a child with a child's understanding of the things I was experiencing....... I'd have to work hard to recreate & fill in the blanks, making them unreliable as Facts. Seems like could send myself on a wild goose chase that never ends if I go that route.

I'd say, let it go until it rises up & taps you on the shoulder demanding attention & then observe it before dissecting it. Surely our children help our healing when we use their challenges to help us re-parent ourselves vs trying to re-live our own lives vicariously through them. Just my opinion, hope this helps!
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Old 04-26-2018, 12:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Aeryn View Post
...I just had a daughter ...
How wonderful, and what an inspriing story you shared in just that one paragraph.

Originally Posted by Aeryn View Post
... I really have big holes of missing information regarding my childhood. And I have memories I can't explain that don't make sense....
That is exactly what I went thru. Exactly.

Originally Posted by Aeryn View Post
... I don't remember much about school or life before the age of 14 ...
Yes, exactly the same here.

Originally Posted by Aeryn View Post
...it's like a memory is trying to come but it can't. I can't explain it. ...
You don't need to explain it to me, I used to get those too.

Originally Posted by Aeryn View Post
... First I don't want to make the same mistakes with my daughter and I'm terrified.....
Well of course, having a child is a terrifying responsibility. You have no experience with being cared for as a child, no extended family to support you. I think the fact that you are scared shows that you have a solid understanding of the effort ahead of you and that you can use that fear to drive you to find guidance and support.

Originally Posted by Aeryn View Post
... is it worth trying to see someone to remember all this stuff? Will knowing what really happened haunt me or hurt me more?...
That is something only you can answer. I'll tell you what I did and how it worked for me.

I went to see a couple of therapist over the years and worked on these "repressed memories" very slowly. Baby steps, as they say in meetings. One issue at a time, not all at once.

For example, I had this partial memory of hiding under the bed when my father would go into a violent rage. I don't why I did that, he always found me. What would interrupt my sleep with weird dreams as an adult and give me a funny need to sweep out under the bed every single day were these feelings that I would never grow up to be like him. I would be opposite.

That feeling became a deep, powerful drive that I was not even aware of when I finally broke away from that toxic family. It was so powerful that I was completely enmeshed with being a work-aholic, extremly perfectionist and intolerant. It became a kind of "self medication" for me. Keeping my brain so focused on being the perfect empoloyee, the perfect husband, that I had no time to deal with those old issues.

The therapist helped me see that as a child that was a perfectly healthy reaction, but not so healthy as an adult. In fact, what I had become was the "opposite" of my father. Just as dysfunctional. Instead of being an irresponsible, undependable drunk I became a super-responsible, over-dependable work-aholic. Both extremes are bad. What I needed to find was not to be "opposite" to my father but to define my own level of balance where I could be a normally responsible person with a normal life.

Getting past that first issue was incredibly difficult. But once I figured it out all the rest of the issues came much easier. Some of them were painful, but not overwhelming.

Today I still have a much better life than ever before. Once I a while I still catch myself over-commiting to something, not taking enough time for self-care. But I can tell within minutes and get back on the balanced, healthy path.

Mike
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Old 04-26-2018, 01:59 PM
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Thanks for all the replies! It helps to know I'm not the only one. A friend of mine (whose parents are psychologists) told me that all my "childhood stuff" would come to the surface once I became a parent...and boy was he right! It sounds normal though that the feelings bubble.

I agree that those bubbling feelings are probably triggers or things I'm doing differently than what happened to me. I can't tell you how weird and bothersome that closet dream thing is...it's the first thing that pops up when I start getting stressed and triggered....maybe it's a case of the curious cat.....I'm not sure yet.

And DesertEyes I did that perfectionist/workaholic thing you describe! I was really bad about it when I was with my XRAH (I think I did it a lot to avoid dealing the the relationship)....I've slowly began to fade out of being a workaholic but I do the wanting to be a perfect mom thing may be rolling around in my subconscious. Something I need to be aware of I think.
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Old 04-28-2018, 11:15 AM
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Oh wow I just had a breakthrough...I think I sort of knew it was coming but my subconscious hadn't totally processed it. I just realized that my Mom had untreated PND (post natal depression).....these days there's less stigma with it and more people get help but in her day (and especially with her family) I imagine things were quite different.

When I first had my daughter I had a case of the baby blues for about 2-3 weeks....I went to the doctor right away when it started and he said it was normal as long as it went away (it did) and didn't intensify. It didn't intensify and I have since adjusted (lol well it's still hard but you know) to motherhood, my daughter is the love of my life .

Anyway all that led me to start reading about PND (I was curious and of course a bit paranoid)....and it just sort of hit me...my Mom had untreated PND...it makes perfect sense and some of the memories now make more sense. I remember being really little, I could sit but not get off the couch...my Mom fell asleep in a chair with her curlers in (not sure why I remember that detail) with a pot on the stove that caught fire...she didn't wake up as the house filled with smoke. the fire department came and put it out. I have no idea how old I was but I was so young I couldn't get off the couch (I'm not even sure I was old enough to be left there...). I always felt anxiety around her and things (even when she was nice) always felt ingenuous. I have lots of little memories like the hot water burning my head when she washed my hair...she was like off in space not paying attention as the water got warmer and warmer....and it always confused me so much because she wasn't an A or an addict of any kind but her behaviors were similar. She was also very controlling and had narcissistic characteristics (I wonder if this was a way to mask the depression....). I was always a prize to be bragged about (I had a way I had to behave or else I was an embarrassment)...but there was never an attachment or anything real.

Anyway it just hit me today - untreated PND....I looked it up and it can lead to no mother child attachment and a lifetime of depression.

I've been wondering all these years...I know the explanation isn't an excuse not at all but it somehow gives me more of a sense of closure and an ability to move forward better. It also gives me insight with my daughter....I have to be very aware of myself since I have this isn my family...so if i feel some depression or something coming I unlike her will treat it immediately (and I'm hoping it doesn't happen!!).

I have never felt so sure about something in my life....I just know in my soul it was untreated PND and depression behind my mom's actions...that combined with some narcissism made not so good (understatement) childhood and mother daughter relationship.

I think the reason this is all coming to me now is my HP letting me know so I can be the mom my mom never was.
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Old 05-01-2018, 11:15 AM
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This is powerful stuff Aeryn, I'm really happy you are having such a positive experience with these breakthroughs. (although, certainly, some will trigger harder than others) I don't obsess over it, I just examine every situation carefully when it does rise up to grab my attention.

(we recently did a bunch of yard work/clean up over many weekends & all of a sudden, months into this process, I had a flood of hateful memories related to gardening/yard stuff from my childhood bubble up & out. I vented & railed about it for about 10 mins & then "heard" myself & internally went, "whoaaaa.... where did THAT come from?!?!")

A lot of my inner child healing comes as a result of purposefully parenting my child differently. I also swear by Brene's parenting manifesto & after YEARS of using it, I still cry a little every time I read it. That's improvement - when I first found it I wept like an inconsolable child every time. Progress, lol. I figure when I can read it without triggering like that, I'll have done the majority of healing needed for my IC.

https://brenebrown.com/wp-content/up...gManifesto.pdf



I think the reason this is all coming to me now is my HP letting me know so I can be the mom my mom never was.
YES!
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Old 05-04-2018, 11:08 AM
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Thanks for all the support!

For me I have this trend in my childhood of "not knowing". So the realization of this and actually knowing helps me a lot. My family are a bunch of secret keepers so for me just KNOWING something is a big breakthrough. My dad was adopted and they hid that from me until high school and I remember this odd feeling in elementary when doing family trees...I remember being so anxious about mine and not knowing why. Family secrets keep you sick for sure!

For little E (my daughter) I want to break that cycle of keeping secrets!
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