Turquoise

I wrote on here some time ago about my story with BF who moved in with me amd my girls from overseas, after a long distance relationship. My soulmate I thought. I guess I never really wanted to see the real him perhaps, in the long distance relating. I fell for the romantic idea of it. He denies being A, but regularly drinks, many times hes passed out and peed himself wherever he ends up. He thinks it's normal because his dad and brother did it. They are A' s too. I've gone into counselling again to explore my co dependency and I am finding myself again and separating out from the mess. He's been living with me for 15 months and I just lost myself, being consumed with trying to fix him and make it work . I know I can't do that now. I can see more clearly that I love the potential I see in him, which is not consistent. When I look at the actuality of our relationship, its not enough for me. It's not love . He let's me.down regularly with his drinking behaviours and effects of this. Basically unavailable for relationship. I've asked/ told him to leave so many times, but he's found his way back into my stupid heart by telling me what I want to hear. I feel much stronger now and today though, so I thought I'd post again . He was on here once, when I said get help or get out, for about a week ! He won't get help . He doesn't feel there is a problem. It's my problem. But, it's all taken it's toll on me and I think my feelings of love for him are fading. I'm loving me more now. The next time I get home from.work expecting a nice evening with him and he's drunk and half way to passing out and peeing in our bed, I am intending to give him 4 weeks notice to leave, with no more compromises or forgiveness on my part . He gave up alot to move in with me from living overseas, but I've almost lost my soul trying to understand how someone who says he loves me, can continue to treat me the way he has. It has been almost enough to drive me to insanity. I've been so low and he hasn't a clue. The mind games , the lies and disappointment , loss of trust, so much loss, using Buddhism to question my concerns and allow himself to drink , the extreme.anger aroused in me .... Scary. I just want a quiet gentle happy life . That is me, and that's the life I thought we would be having together. He fooled me.
I will never choose so badly again. I surrender. Thanks for reading this.

NYCDoglvr

I'm sorry you and your children are subject to this level of upheaval but it sounds like you're on the right path now. The learning curve in figuring out how powerless we are over other people was steep for me, but finally I got it. All the hard work on ourselves pays off! A big hug.

Bekindalways

So very sorry you are going through this. It is beyond tough. It does sound like you are figuring it out fast.

Keep up the good work and let us know how it goes!

Ladysadie

Please don't put all your energy into this man, save it for your girls. Get him moving out as soon as possible. Words are not enough.

Buy a shower curtin or some protective covering for his side of the bed. Make him wash the sheets when he pees the bed. Hold him accountable for his actions.

If you fear for yours and/or your girls safety, file a restraining order and get him out. Hopefully your girls are not at risk for being abused, but just them witnessing all the dynamics is not good. Why he needs to go pronto. These things tend to escalate if the A starts acting out. Be vigilant for your daughters' sake. It could get a whole lot worse and quickly.

dandylion

Turquoise...do you know how to find your old threads? If not, let me know so that I can help you....
It would be good for you to go back and read them, again...because it refreshes out memory and brings things into sharper focus....
To lift your spirit and resolve...please re-read the articles from the link that I gave you in one of my posts. There are about 100 of them and you can read and digest one of them every single day......
I recall that h e has scared the girls, before...so, the sooner that he is out of their environment, the better...I am glad that you have resolved to ask him to leave......

Sleepyhollo

They’re very manipulative which is why is able to convince you to not kick him out. It sounds like you’ve had some personal growth recently and ready to stick to your guns. Good for you! You have no obligation to him since you’re not married and you do have an obligation to your girls. They need to come first. He doesn’t seem like he is anywhere near ready to quit for himself (or quit in general). This isn’t gonna get better, it will only get worse. Even if he stops for a little while, as soon as he starts again it will be like he never quit and escalate from there.
Sink to your guns. Tell him he needs to leave and if he ever decides to become sober maybe you will contact him again but I would require him to be sober for at least a year and working a program. Even if he were to decide to get sober now and really work a program (just quitting isn’t gonna work for most people and from what you’ve told us here he is pretty bad) it won’t be easy on you. But honestly I don’t know that I would even try to salvage this relationship. You haven’t been together that long, you have no kids together an you don’t owe him anything.
Take care of you and your girls. This isn’t good for them to see either. You deserve so much better than that. Early relationship should be fun and you shouldn’t have to deal with someone soiling your bed and it being so much work and stress. I guess it should never really be that way but définitely not when you’re still dating.
Good luck, stick to your guns, you’re doing the right thing. He is responsible for himself, not you. You are responsible for you and your kids and no one else. You’re also not responsible for his feelings.

spiderqueen

Why wait? You already have all the justification you need.

I have been where you are (including the two young daughters), and I understand the disappointment and pain. My advice is don't waste another minute on a person who is a liability. I know it's hard to pull the plug. But I promise you won't regret it in the long run. You deserve a healthy partner, and your daughters deserve a happy, healthy mom.

atalose

I agree, why wait until the next time and why have a blow out about it as your justification.

Why not leave his drinking behavior and peeing out of the ending all together. Tell him you no longer want to be in a relationship, heck tell him you no longer feel love for him and you want the relationship to be over and that he needs to leave.
Don't repeat history, don't do what you've always done, don't say what you've always said where ending up taking him back could happen again.

Time to say what you mean and mean what you say.

Turquoise

Thanks for your comments and care everyone . Yes I have re-read my other posts Dandylion and I will have another look at the articles . It's been going on a long time amd so miserable ! My girls are absolutely my priority . I would never let them be abused or put him first. They are teenagers and can see what it's done to me, but also my resilience. They want me to be happy so they've tried to understand why I've let him stay. Ive felt sorry for him i think. Perhaps I have put him first? It's been hard to justify to them. I've felt like a poor female role model and actually I consider myself a strong woman who won't take rubbish from people and try to teach them this !
Even if he did work a programme, which he won't , I don't know if I want to journey that that road with him anyway. However I can't seem to get rid of my hope that things will work themselves out, that he will heal ? It's like I have a default to keep trusting him again or maybe it's fear of change, of the confrontation and the upheaval of him moving out. The evidence all over my house , of things he's done for me, which all now seems like peacemeal. Covert Leave me alone to let me drink in the evening and I'll do jobs for you during the day. He's not a 15 pints a day guy, or bottles of spirits. I really would chuck him out then as it would be so obvious . He's a slow burner I guess, who has regular day and night binges when he gets a window of opportunity. Thats almost harder to deal with because its covert. Hes pretending to be a 'normal' drinker alot of the time. I think my feelings decreasing, is going to be the way out of this. He has drunk every night this week after getting back from work at 1030pm, and due to leave at 7am the next day . Why would you, at that time with that schedule ? 8% cider is not exactly squash either . I've asked him to show me he doesn't need it, from the last binge discussion 3 weeks ago, to have a few nights off . He hasn't . Is he goading me ? It's so clear what I should do, I just simply dont know why I hold back on ending it ?

OpheliaKatz

I'm simply astounded at the number of As I know who use some religious practice as a "cover-up" for their actions. I've heard the "Buddhist" excuse: "I'm a Buddhist and I can heal myself with meditation... and ancient people used to smoke pot... and alcohol was medicinal..." etc. I've heard the atheist excuse: "I'm an atheist and AA is very much like a religion, so I would rather quit by myself." I've heard the Catholic excuse: "All priests drink, I'm just... quacking."

I think you have to accept that addiction is not logical and you can't bargain with it. It will manipulate you into staying and cleaning up after it. The only way to change things is to do something different. The only way to know if you can do it is to do it.

7yearwait

so sorry to hear what you are going through,, it seems to me as though he is a textbook Alcoholic... the amount of energy they have to manipulate is amazing to me... and the constant back and forth between " having a problem" and " not having a problem " with alcohol is what gets me so angry !
honey I don't think you need an excuse to be DONE with him,, the man repeatedly wets himself (as did my XAH) and thinks its okay......

Im assuming you were a single mom before you met him and you were probably in a healthier state of mind then . A's don't change, thats why we have to. the definition of insanity is to repeat the same experiment and expect different results.

Good luck to you my dear , stay strong i know its hard

atalose

You are aware that alcoholism is a lifelong progressive disease even if they are not drinking the disease continues to progress. Relapse rates are sky high. It’s not like a broken foot where he’ll finally stay off of it and the bone will heal and no more pain or trouble with it.

The heart of the matter has nothing to do with his drinking or his peeping himself when passed out or his lying about his consumption, this is all about you and your inability to have a mature healthy adult relationship. When we can’t have a healthy relationship with ourselves we certainly can’t have one with someone else.

You are the one that needs to heal and to learn how to re-build your self –esteem so that it’s not dragged down by an alcoholic.

Turquoise

I ended it.
I don't feel great. Lost hopes and dreams and love. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with this man. Im in my 50s. We had alot of plans for the future. I looked back over the text messages we've sent each other and I am berating him for drinking once a week, binging and peeing the bed aboit once a month. Nagging him aboit being unavailable because he works 50 plus hours a week. But also good stuff that I can't just forget about. Should I have hung in there a bit longer . I slip in and out of denial. It's so painful. He's here in the same house for another 4 weeks while he works his notice and then is planning to return overseas. Wants half of our joint purchase even though he's paid a pittance in rent since he arrived. He's accepted it this time and is behaving as if everything's normal at times talking nicely, no show of emotion or pain. Guess he's as unhappy as me now .It's hard to witness and be with. I'm angry that he's mucked it all up this year with the drinking. He says he was changing, but maybe not as fast as I want, but not stopping drinking just cutting down. I'm trying to feel the grief as it would be easy to jump.back into bed with him after an emotional exchange. 're reading these posts and past posts , past messages so I keep with reality and not the fantasy existence I've been hoping for. Any advice much appreciated. I feel so low and devastated.

FeelingGreat

Turquoise, you've done the right thing and you know it. The next 4 weeks will be hard, but try to stay firm. Keep coming back here. He may be on his best behaviour, and you are vulnerable, having second thoughts. Prepare yourself mentally for this.
It would pay you to get some legal advice re what you owe him. No doubt you have records of what he's contributed re rent, so use those to work out what he's owed. Hopefully he'll accept that.

honeypig

Hi, Turquoise--I have a little "reading assignment" for you that might help you feel better.

On the subject of lost hopes and dreams:

https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf

https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf

And on the subject of being "too old" to find happiness and/or love again:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tart-over.html ("But I'm Too Old to Start Over...")

It's rough right now but you're making a decision that will lead to better things down the road. If you stay with him, you can only expect more of the same and even worse as time passes.