Do they truly mean what they say when extremely drunk?
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Do they truly mean what they say when extremely drunk?
I joined not too long ago and somewhat detailed how it's been like the last 2 years being with my boyfriend who is in an alcoholic, in huge denial. He "broke up" with me a little over one month ago and was living with me.
It's all still so messy but things just took a turn for the absolute worst.
Saturday night I went over to his place and he wasn't home. So I laid up in his room in his bed for a while. He came back around 1am with a friend after being at the bar. He didn't know I was there. I probably sound crazy but I was in such pain being home alone yet another night, it was driving me insane.
So they stayed up drinking till 5am. I heard him say the most terrible things about me.
He told his friend that he only got with me at first because he had just gotten out of prison and he wanted to "hook up". We did have sex the first night, and yet he dead serious made me aware that he did NOT want this to be a one time thing with me. He continued saying that I was only good for "*****", that before he knew it 2 years went by, that he could ***** any way he wanted to whenever he wanted to, that he lied to me that I was good at****** that he wanted to leave the entire time. His friend said "you can't help who you love", he replied I don't love her. Hours before this he said I love you to me over the phone.
His friend left and I went downstairs calmly. He was sitting on the couch and had wet himself yet AGAIN. He could barely stand or walk. I asked him if what he said was all true. He told me it didn't matter anymore over and over.
I just looked at him as he sat there, I told him "sad. you're so sad". He doesn't even care about himself because alcohol is #1, always. And this hurts me to see him sitting there in soiled clothes yet again.
I went home. I messaged him really late that night, quoting what he said about me. He messaged me back around 4am this morning and said "what you quoted me isn't the truth but you're not far off". He followed with "I hope you found someone else"
I've already made it clear so much to him that I do still love him and I have zero interest in dating again ever right now. I'm not sure if he really means it or is trying to make himself feel he really doesn't care about me.
I got no apology. I feel lied to for the last 2 years. I am so distraught and sick over what happened. I feel if I do keep ignoring him as I have been he'll reach out eventually. Probably on a night when he's in an extremely drunk stupor.
Do they always mean the cruel things they say when they are black out drunk? I felt he truly did love me. Are actions more trustworthy than words?
It's all still so messy but things just took a turn for the absolute worst.
Saturday night I went over to his place and he wasn't home. So I laid up in his room in his bed for a while. He came back around 1am with a friend after being at the bar. He didn't know I was there. I probably sound crazy but I was in such pain being home alone yet another night, it was driving me insane.
So they stayed up drinking till 5am. I heard him say the most terrible things about me.
He told his friend that he only got with me at first because he had just gotten out of prison and he wanted to "hook up". We did have sex the first night, and yet he dead serious made me aware that he did NOT want this to be a one time thing with me. He continued saying that I was only good for "*****", that before he knew it 2 years went by, that he could ***** any way he wanted to whenever he wanted to, that he lied to me that I was good at****** that he wanted to leave the entire time. His friend said "you can't help who you love", he replied I don't love her. Hours before this he said I love you to me over the phone.
His friend left and I went downstairs calmly. He was sitting on the couch and had wet himself yet AGAIN. He could barely stand or walk. I asked him if what he said was all true. He told me it didn't matter anymore over and over.
I just looked at him as he sat there, I told him "sad. you're so sad". He doesn't even care about himself because alcohol is #1, always. And this hurts me to see him sitting there in soiled clothes yet again.
I went home. I messaged him really late that night, quoting what he said about me. He messaged me back around 4am this morning and said "what you quoted me isn't the truth but you're not far off". He followed with "I hope you found someone else"
I've already made it clear so much to him that I do still love him and I have zero interest in dating again ever right now. I'm not sure if he really means it or is trying to make himself feel he really doesn't care about me.
I got no apology. I feel lied to for the last 2 years. I am so distraught and sick over what happened. I feel if I do keep ignoring him as I have been he'll reach out eventually. Probably on a night when he's in an extremely drunk stupor.
Do they always mean the cruel things they say when they are black out drunk? I felt he truly did love me. Are actions more trustworthy than words?
Last edited by DesertEyes; 04-25-2018 at 02:12 PM. Reason: Foul language
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Does it really matter? Does the fact he was drunk give him a free pass to talk to/about you like that?
If you feel you 'deserve' someone like him, or that you can't do any better than him, then I would suggest some therapy to boost your self-esteem. No one deserves anyone like that.
If you feel you 'deserve' someone like him, or that you can't do any better than him, then I would suggest some therapy to boost your self-esteem. No one deserves anyone like that.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
ok, a lot of disturbing things going on here, but two big ones that stick out -
He was sitting on the couch and had wet himself yet AGAIN.
grown man. wet himself. again. gross. not exactly a prize there eh?
I'm not sure if he really means it or is trying to make himself feel he really doesn't care about me.
oh i'd say he was VERY CLEAR. he didn't just mumble something while drunk, he had a complete conversation with another person about how he sees you, as an object, a thing he can do with as he pleases and then discard.
you don't need an apology. you need to take the lumps, see that he is not the potential that perhaps you saw, and no longer accept being treated as less than even IF they say I Love You.
He was sitting on the couch and had wet himself yet AGAIN.
grown man. wet himself. again. gross. not exactly a prize there eh?
I'm not sure if he really means it or is trying to make himself feel he really doesn't care about me.
oh i'd say he was VERY CLEAR. he didn't just mumble something while drunk, he had a complete conversation with another person about how he sees you, as an object, a thing he can do with as he pleases and then discard.
you don't need an apology. you need to take the lumps, see that he is not the potential that perhaps you saw, and no longer accept being treated as less than even IF they say I Love You.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
He broke up with you.
After that you went over to his place uninvited. (stalking behavior)
You overheard him speaking unkindly, uncaring and unloving about you.
You messaged him with all the hurtful words you overheard him say about you and his response was “ what you quoted me isn't the truth but you're not far off". Nothing loving about that at all!
No new contact = no new hurts.
Not sure why you would wait around to receive more of LESS loving treatment from him, maybe it’s time to stop focusing on his drinking problem and begin working on your self-esteem and getting yourself to a place where unacceptable behavior is unacceptable.
After that you went over to his place uninvited. (stalking behavior)
You overheard him speaking unkindly, uncaring and unloving about you.
You messaged him with all the hurtful words you overheard him say about you and his response was “ what you quoted me isn't the truth but you're not far off". Nothing loving about that at all!
No new contact = no new hurts.
Not sure why you would wait around to receive more of LESS loving treatment from him, maybe it’s time to stop focusing on his drinking problem and begin working on your self-esteem and getting yourself to a place where unacceptable behavior is unacceptable.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 8
This just isn't the first time he has said terrible things about me when drunk, and it's been to my face.
Early last November he out of nowhere one night told me that he hasn't loved me in so long, that I'm just a "toy". The next day he texts me "I'll stop drinking if you do...." which says to me he KNOWS he has issues. Of course the next night he was drinking a bottle again.
Then a month later he still wanted to move in with me after all of that. I know I'm partial blame for letting him, I get it.
It is just so bipolar to me, the way he is sometimes. I can't fathom the amount of cruelty someone could display like that.
Early last November he out of nowhere one night told me that he hasn't loved me in so long, that I'm just a "toy". The next day he texts me "I'll stop drinking if you do...." which says to me he KNOWS he has issues. Of course the next night he was drinking a bottle again.
Then a month later he still wanted to move in with me after all of that. I know I'm partial blame for letting him, I get it.
It is just so bipolar to me, the way he is sometimes. I can't fathom the amount of cruelty someone could display like that.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Let's take you out of the equation for a second here and look at the guy.
What we know about that night as absolute fact:
1. He drank himself in to an absolute stupor
2. He spoke about someone like they were not even human, like their feelings were completely unimportant, not even a bit. He is out for what he can get.
3. He sat on his furniture and wet himself
4. He sent a nasty text
Now, you know this guy, can you please explain to me what the upside is of continuing contact with him at all? Given the description above, would you choose him as a friend?
What was your plan with him, perhaps get married and have children? Is he Husband material? Is he Father material?
What we know about that night as absolute fact:
1. He drank himself in to an absolute stupor
2. He spoke about someone like they were not even human, like their feelings were completely unimportant, not even a bit. He is out for what he can get.
3. He sat on his furniture and wet himself
4. He sent a nasty text
Now, you know this guy, can you please explain to me what the upside is of continuing contact with him at all? Given the description above, would you choose him as a friend?
What was your plan with him, perhaps get married and have children? Is he Husband material? Is he Father material?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
It is just so bipolar to me, the way he is sometimes. I can't fathom the amount of cruelty someone could display like that.
i can't fathom why you would keep going back for more mistreatment. it's obvious this was no good to begin with, got worse as it went along and is now OVER.
i can't fathom why you would keep going back for more mistreatment. it's obvious this was no good to begin with, got worse as it went along and is now OVER.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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That's really painful. My only response to this if I was in your shoes would be to take it as a gift. I would never need to doubt or look back on this relationship as, "what if...." I'd be angry sure, but free as a bird!
Free to explore in therapy why I got duped into this "relationship," why I am not a good judge of character or what love should feel like....free, free,free and alleluiah!
Gentle (((((hugs))))). It is awful to hear someone speak about you in that way. Just awful.
Peace,
B
Free to explore in therapy why I got duped into this "relationship," why I am not a good judge of character or what love should feel like....free, free,free and alleluiah!
Gentle (((((hugs))))). It is awful to hear someone speak about you in that way. Just awful.
Peace,
B
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by vltskynse 
I can't fathom the amount of cruelty someone could display like that.
He is that cruel, he can probably be nice sometimes i'm guessing?
Most people don't have portions of their personalities that are polar opposites. This guy is not "normal". He is an alcoholic. His mind is not working like a regular person. Don't try to apply logic to something that is not logical.
As Bernadette said, awful to hear him speak like that BUT remember, what he said is zero about YOU. It's about him and how he views people.
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I know that his view of me isn't who I am. He has incredibly poor self esteem, the worst i have ever seen. I would be lightly accused constantly that I was seeing other guys when I gave zero context that I was. Sometimes he would be so angry it seemed that I was so desirable and he was not.
No amount of love or faithfulness could change that.
No amount of love or faithfulness could change that.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I was going to write almost the same thing as Anvilhead said.
I think you are looking to blame all of his bad behavior on the booze. Thinking that if the booze was out of the picture he’d turn into some kind of a wonderful loving guy…………that’s fantasy thinking!!!
Keep posting!! You may not like some of the responses but we’ll drill some sense into you!! LOL
((hugs))
I think you are looking to blame all of his bad behavior on the booze. Thinking that if the booze was out of the picture he’d turn into some kind of a wonderful loving guy…………that’s fantasy thinking!!!
Keep posting!! You may not like some of the responses but we’ll drill some sense into you!! LOL
((hugs))
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Just sending you some (((HUGS))) That would be so awful to hear.
Please consider that we do not love and stick around people that say things like that about us, soil themselves, and act the way he acts out of amazing self esteem ourselves.
I'm sure you have plenty of people around you that really love and support you - the RIGHT way. It really helped me to break free from my situation with an alcoholic to latch onto them, and focus on myself and what makes me happy. Have you thought about Alanon meetings, or independent counseling? Codependent no More is a great book as well.
To answer your title question: it doesn't matter!
Anyone that says things like that to you, or about you (drunk or not) does not deserve any part of you. I hope you stick around here, and many many of us have been there. <3
I know that his view of me isn't who I am. He has incredibly poor self esteem, the worst i have ever seen.
I'm sure you have plenty of people around you that really love and support you - the RIGHT way. It really helped me to break free from my situation with an alcoholic to latch onto them, and focus on myself and what makes me happy. Have you thought about Alanon meetings, or independent counseling? Codependent no More is a great book as well.
To answer your title question: it doesn't matter!
Anyone that says things like that to you, or about you (drunk or not) does not deserve any part of you. I hope you stick around here, and many many of us have been there. <3
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Not bipolar. Not about booze. He's rubbish. Leave him in the rubbish bin where he belongs. He's a grown man who wets his pants, and when you're not there to defend yourself, he talks trash about you to people who don't know you. You had better believe that the "nice" things he says to you are just to get in your pants because it's convenient for him; and every time he's out in public with you and he bumps into his friends, you'll have to worry about what they are thinking when they look at you.
You wouldn't want to be friends with someone who is going to force you to wear a "kick me" sign around your neck whenever they're with you, why hang around this guy?
There are people with alcoholism who are more respectful than him because of their personality -- they may pass out in public, or mishandle their money, but they wouldn't do what he has done to you. He is the way he is because of his personality, not booze. The booze just oils the gears a bit... so when he's not being cautious, this is who he is.
You need to know what this man uses words like "I love you" like money. It's to pay you for some (in his view) uneventful sex. You could be a doll or a sock, but at least if you are human, he doesn't have to do all the work. He's lazy, repulsive, and rubbish. Sorry to be crude. You deserve better than this. Throw this guy out... he stinks.
You wouldn't want to be friends with someone who is going to force you to wear a "kick me" sign around your neck whenever they're with you, why hang around this guy?
There are people with alcoholism who are more respectful than him because of their personality -- they may pass out in public, or mishandle their money, but they wouldn't do what he has done to you. He is the way he is because of his personality, not booze. The booze just oils the gears a bit... so when he's not being cautious, this is who he is.
You need to know what this man uses words like "I love you" like money. It's to pay you for some (in his view) uneventful sex. You could be a doll or a sock, but at least if you are human, he doesn't have to do all the work. He's lazy, repulsive, and rubbish. Sorry to be crude. You deserve better than this. Throw this guy out... he stinks.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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It was cruel the comments he made in a drunken state and then his response afterwards when you confronted him about it ("not too far off"). No apology or remorse. It must have been shocking and heartbreaking. I'm sorry you have to go through this.
I understand it's challenging to let go and walk away from a relationship, but you're worthy of respect in a relationship...and his comments are far from it.
I understand it's challenging to let go and walk away from a relationship, but you're worthy of respect in a relationship...and his comments are far from it.
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