frustrated1

My husband and i are confussed! Our 18 year old AD lives at home. She was in residential rehab for 7 months. She knows what it is like to be clean and sober and she liked it. Recently she has relapsed. She has a job and we let her use our car to go to and from work, that is all as she abused the restrictions to use it otherwise. She gives us a percentage of her check to put towards a car she wants to buy. She pays for insurance and gas. recently she left home for 10 days and lost one of her part time jobs. The other job gave her full time. When I let her come back she told me her addiction had her by the throat and that she knew it was ripping the family apart. She agreed to work her program, go to AA and Try but could not make a promise to stay sober. This was OK with us. It lasted for 2 days. Her routine is to get up in the AM leave the house, come home in time to get the car and go to work. Comes home goes to bed and does it all over again. (NO shower or teeth brushing, just touch up the make-up and go) She does not respect us and tells me I can't make her clean her room or the bathroom (things she agreed to do) Tomorrow my husband and I want to tell her that she seems to be at a point in her life where she doesn't love and respect us. If she wants to live at home she needs to treat us with respect, take care of her responsibilities and I would like to say she has to get evaluated by a counselor and follow through with all recommendations. This last part we arre not sure of, is this enabling her because things are good at home and she really has it pretty easy, is it controlling or really neither. If she does not want to do these things she will have to leave. It is so hard for me to watch her continually spiraling downward I'm not sure what to do ?any input would be great.

Gabe

Your house, your rules.
She either plays by them or she goes.
I think we hesitate to give ultimatums, because we know what the outcome will be.
You have to make a firm decision inside yourself as to what you will put up with.
Then act on it, and deal with whatever the consequences are.
None of this is easy.
However, sometimes the most loving thing you can do for someone is to let them go to figure things out on their own.

Ann

I agree with Gabe. Letting an active addict live at home is disaster for both the addict and you. It just doesn't work, and I know the hardest thing I ever did was to make my son leave, but it left him free to find his own way and gave me back the peace and safety of my home.

You'll know when it's time.

Hugs
Ann

JT

I agree...your house your rules. What I did was the one, two, three thing. I gave fair warning of what was to be expected and when the rules were broken I gave my son a week to leave. He never made that week...he would move in with a friend.

Another thing was picking my battles. A messy room is far less important than using or coming home in the early hours of the morning. But again...your house your rules.

Hugs,
JT