ScaryTime

So my birthday is coming up... I hate my birthday, but not because of getting older or anything.
Every year my (recovering) AH wants to get me something elaborate and then tell everyone this great thing he did for me. I would rather see kindness and respect every other day of the year from him rather than an elaborate (and what I view as fake) show of love on this one day of the year.
My AH and I are still in separate bedrooms and for the most part still looking at divorce.
I am no longer looking for signs from him to see if the marriage will survive and things have been going on. I am thinking of myself and what I want from this life and am talking with my “soul” sister and we are discussing moving at the end of this year; she would go in October and I would go around this time next year. I need the sun and am sick and tired of snow and cold. I want sun and warm all the time and since my marriage is ending I am reaching to accomplish that.
Bringing me back to original topic “my birthday”. My AH sold some garage doors he had gotten from a job he was on that he was going to replace our garage doors with, and it never happened so he sold them. I went and helped load the doors and unload them when we picked them up so I thought I should receive some of the money from the sale. So I asked him if he was planning to give me some of the money. His first response was “well your birthday and mother’s day are coming up and I wanted....”
just what the he11 does that have to do with sharing some of the money from the garage doors? I don’t want a present for my birthday from him! So, I fell back into my old habit of interrupting him and telling him just that...ugh! I know that was wrong and it turned into an argument and I am left feeling like crap because I thought I should get some of the money and now I am thinking about my birthday and dreading it!
He also is going on his annual fishing trip in two weeks and I know that he wants the money for that as well. He ended up giving me the money that I said I wanted, but it was a mad dash into his bedroom and a “here”; like I don’t wanna talk about it anymore blah blah blah.
Where do I draw the line on not being a doormat (asking for a share of the money) but also remaining kind to my AH? I know he should have a greater share of the money as he advertised it and met with the guy that bought them and everything...
I am trying very hard to mind my own side of the road, while reaching for my own recovery, and remaining kind to my AH.
I told him I would was sorry for the garage door discussion turning into what it turned into and he said “I am too”.
But as I sit here, I still feel like crap and feel like I still have things to say on this... basically I feel unresolved. I know I just need to drop it, stop dwelling and move on; he gave me what I asked for...
but now I still feel really, really guilty.
Gah! I don’t know if it’s because I feel like I was unfair, or I feel guilty because that’s what he did by bringing up my birthday and he has all these other things going on (which I told him (and not very nicely) were not my problem).
I feel like I keep taking steps backwards when all I am trying to do is live my life and reach for what I want. And have this constant guilt because of it.
Well this turned out a lot longer than I thought it would. I appreciate any and all insight into this. I am trying to get healthy from all of this and know that he is still early in recovery (5 months, I think, maybe 4 months) and just feel like him bringing everything else into the discussion he is still working me and my emotions by spinning things around to point to me (well, and that my birthday is coming up). It is it me????

SparkleKitty

Hm. Well. I think in this particular situation, you two should have arranged beforehand whether and how you would split the money from the sale of the doors. A lot of assumptions were made on both sides, and a row was probably inevitable.

You are in an awkward position, having one foot out the door of this marriage but still living in the same house. A separate bedroom isn't really enough space to move forward emotionally from the relationship when you are still so enmeshed in other ways. Are you able to clearly communicate your expectations from him, from the marriage, from yourself at this point? Is he? Does he know you're planning to move away entirely in a year?

dawnrising

Just my thoughts but no need to feel guilty and anything purchased is a marital asset including garage doors. Don't feel guilty

AnvilheadII

i think the garage doors are a metaphor........

OpheliaKatz

Are the garage doors a metaphor for the relationship?

ScaryTime

Thanks for the response. We couldn’t arrange the split beforehand because he just decides to do these things without my input. He always has done this - one of the biggest problems in our marriage.
Yes, I did share my intentions with him for moving out of state next year. He said “hmm, okay”. He has little to no emotion about really anything that I have seen; until this morning at least. ☹️
I have no expectations of the marriage at this point other than the inevitable ending of it. Maybe that is part of my struggle? That I am still grieving it?
I don’t know.

ScaryTime

Hmmm, maybe? That makes me think about this from a different perspective....

Sleepyhollo

I totally get you on the present front. Of course really even before he got clean we mostly didn’t t do presents for each other anyway because when we want something we usually just get it and I am not a fan of getting a gift just because it’s a gift giving occasion. We have enough clutter as it is and neither one of us really need anything. The only exception was xmas because of kids. And even then we ask we hat the other wants and then would come up with a couple of small things on our own.
Since our marriage really went downhill since he went to rehab (well to be fair it had gone downhill for a long time for me but no one knew because no one knew he was an alcoholic) I am accepting nothing (not even his help really...). I don’t want flowers for our anniversary or mother day and for Xmas I told him a few small things I wanted (I wanted no big expensive gifts). And I sure as hell did not want anything for Valentine’s Day (not even a card) because it feels and is very fake at this point at time. I’ve dreaded everything holiday and birthday since he’s been in rehab and gotten clean because of where our marriage is at, he was peeved last year when I didn’t get him a card for V day. WTH card is there for “I can’t stand your guts right now happy v day....”. This year we had counseling the day before and I had been on edge all week because of it (you know, ads everywhere reminding you, general expectations for V day) and so I said in counseling that I hate holidays and I didn’t want to do anything or receive anything and so it was on the table before. No expectations, no hurt feelings (or less so anyway). He got roses for me last year for our anniversary and ended up chucking them before ever giving them (saw them in the trash outside). I guess everyone is different but to me it gestures like that when things are bad just make me mad and feel like he’s trying to fix things by spending money (a pet peeve of mine, he’s sort of of the mind set that money fixes everything as did my mom so m a little sensitive to that).

So as far as gifts I think you make it clear you want nothing for mother’s day or your birthday and he needs to respect that (or if there is something you want specifically then let him know that and he needs to respect that too as long as it is within reason) . It sounds like he knows your marriage is on its last leg so buying stuff just to impress others is useless anyway. Like I said, some people like to have stuff bought for them and then that’s fine. But if you don’t want anything from him then he needs to respect that. Sounds like it isn’t really for you anyway, just to make him look good.

As far as the garage doors, your married so you should be splitting that anyway whether directly or indirectly.

ScaryTime

Thanks for the response. Working on not feeling guilty and the money that he did give up from the doors will go toward tires (that I desperately need) for my car. So that is helping me to not feel so guilty about the situation this morning.
I guess I am trying so hard to mind my own hoola hoop (saw that in a post this morning and it made me laugh) and not get in his business that I just got sucked up in the old habits and resentments I am still holding onto.

ScaryTime

Yes! You clarified exactly the way I feel about holidays and getting gifts just because it is a gift giving holiday! I too had the same struggle with Valentine’s Day! He ended up sending flowers to my workplace. I did not get him anything because, YES, I couldn’t find a card that said “I really can’t stand you, or to be in the same room with you, but happy v-day!”
He said that he is getting a gift for my birthday and something that he really “thinks that I would want”. I cannot believe it, yes, I told him (like I have over the years) that I absolutely do not want anything from him for my birthday. He doesn’t respect that and at this point I finally understand that I cannot force him to respect me or my wishes. No matter how I have tried to get him to respect this he never does. <sigh>