Getting started with Vulnerability
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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Getting started with Vulnerability
Yesterday I boarded a plane with my child to leave our family home and relationship. I intended to remain away permanently, away from her father. I told her father that I would bring the child to see him before we left the city. I didn’t do that.
This wasn’t the first time I didn’t to follow through with a commitment I made to my partner. During our relationship, I lied to my partner, I wasn’t transparent with him about my thoughts and worries, I jumped to unreasonably negative conclusions about his actions and motivations, and I emotionally withdrew from him based on trivial disagreements which were completely unrelated to our lives or our relationship. Every time I engaged in such self-defeating behaviors, I eroded the trust between us, and triggered emotionally damaging conflict.
My first instinct when conflicts arose was to tell him about how his behaviors triggered my feelings of sadness, abandonment, childhood memories of my parents and thus I had to emotionally defend or protect myself. I assumed it was only his responsibility to understand my trauma and be totally forgiving. I am only now starting to focus on cleaning up my side of the street. These behaviors were probably a manifestation of behavioral patterns I developed in response to the difficult circumstances I faced as a child living without fully available parents. My acts of emotional self protection, although they seem to make perfect sense in the moment, often causes the exact outcome I’m wanting to avoid most. It’s like a plague.
So that my child can have a two-parent home, and so that I do not let the relationship which I’ve always wanted slip through my fingers, I want to start being more transparent, honest and reliable. I do not want to let my sometimes difficult past dictate my future.
I am posting this so that I can start to rebuild trust between my partner and myself, so that I can perhaps receive help and support in my future efforts, and in the hope that sharing my story will do something to help others dealing with similar problems.
This wasn’t the first time I didn’t to follow through with a commitment I made to my partner. During our relationship, I lied to my partner, I wasn’t transparent with him about my thoughts and worries, I jumped to unreasonably negative conclusions about his actions and motivations, and I emotionally withdrew from him based on trivial disagreements which were completely unrelated to our lives or our relationship. Every time I engaged in such self-defeating behaviors, I eroded the trust between us, and triggered emotionally damaging conflict.
My first instinct when conflicts arose was to tell him about how his behaviors triggered my feelings of sadness, abandonment, childhood memories of my parents and thus I had to emotionally defend or protect myself. I assumed it was only his responsibility to understand my trauma and be totally forgiving. I am only now starting to focus on cleaning up my side of the street. These behaviors were probably a manifestation of behavioral patterns I developed in response to the difficult circumstances I faced as a child living without fully available parents. My acts of emotional self protection, although they seem to make perfect sense in the moment, often causes the exact outcome I’m wanting to avoid most. It’s like a plague.
So that my child can have a two-parent home, and so that I do not let the relationship which I’ve always wanted slip through my fingers, I want to start being more transparent, honest and reliable. I do not want to let my sometimes difficult past dictate my future.
I am posting this so that I can start to rebuild trust between my partner and myself, so that I can perhaps receive help and support in my future efforts, and in the hope that sharing my story will do something to help others dealing with similar problems.
Last edited by SlausonWestwood; 04-22-2018 at 12:03 AM. Reason: Typos
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