Addict By Association
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 3
Addict By Association
This is my first time posting here and by joining this forum, I feel that I am taking my first REAL step towards my own recovery and sanity. I have been married to a crackhead for 17 years. I used to feel bad by calling the love of my life a "crackhead", but reality is finally beginning to rear its ugly head. I have been sugarcoating his addiction for years because I wanted others to see that he really is a good man he is. I am here because I see MY mental health failing, MY emotional well-being slipping away; I can't sleep, I have gained so much weight due to stress eating, I lose my patience quickly with other loved ones. I am depressed and, while I try to put on this act that I am okay and life is great, my family and coworkers are seeing that something is not right. I think I have come to the realization that I want to let go, but I don't know how. I have loved this man and only this man from the day we met. I can go on for weeks and months telling you all of what I endured because if his addiction. The more time goes by, his addiction is getting worse. He is 48 years old and I thought that maybe he would realize that he is getting older and it's time that he stops this nonsense once and for all. I have been reading through some of the posts and for once in my life, I feel like I am not alone and there are others like me that have disturbingly similar stories of heartache and pain.
Let me share with you why I have difficulty in letting go and I can start my healing process with your help. I was diagnosed with cancer in 2010. The treatment and recovery was very traumatizing and my husband was by my side throughout my illness. I am in remission. I was declared cancer free in 2015. My marriage vows stated, "in sickness and health" and because of those words, I feel obligated to stand by him because of his "sickness."
Let me share with you why I have difficulty in letting go and I can start my healing process with your help. I was diagnosed with cancer in 2010. The treatment and recovery was very traumatizing and my husband was by my side throughout my illness. I am in remission. I was declared cancer free in 2015. My marriage vows stated, "in sickness and health" and because of those words, I feel obligated to stand by him because of his "sickness."
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by jcmajette 
Let me share with you why I have difficulty in letting go and I can start my healing process with your help. I was diagnosed with cancer in 2010. The treatment and recovery was very traumatizing and my husband was by my side throughout my illness. I am in remission. I was declared cancer free in 2015. My marriage vows stated, "in sickness and health" and because of those words, I feel obligated to stand by him because of his "sickness."
The power to choose health is entirely in his hands, even if it's very difficult for him to quit. For many of us F.O.G. has kept us in toxic situations longer than we wanted. F.O.G. = fear, obligation, and guilt. Obligation alone is not enough to keep any relationship going. You can choose to leave any time. You can also choose to stay. You only get one life and you should do with it what you think is most true.
This is a timely thread: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ress-body.html (The effects of stress on the body)
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello JC, and Welcome to SR!
I am sorry to hear about your husband and how all of this has affected you. SR really is a community of people who understand. I think it took incredible strength to reach out here, and you should be proud of yourself!!
Have you considered getting some IRL support for yourself? Therapy with a counselor who specializes in addictions or perhaps a group like Al-Anon?
I am sorry to hear about your husband and how all of this has affected you. SR really is a community of people who understand. I think it took incredible strength to reach out here, and you should be proud of yourself!!
Have you considered getting some IRL support for yourself? Therapy with a counselor who specializes in addictions or perhaps a group like Al-Anon?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hi JC
I am sorry for your situation with your AH. Crack is a horrible drug. I can only imagine all that you have been through for 17 years. I have seen first hand the progressive nature of addiction.
When I posted my story here in this forum on SR, I very much disliked reading responses where she was labeled an active addict. I knew she was however having other knowledgeable people write it was very hard for me. It was a big reality slap in the face.
I was never ashamed of her or my relationship with her. I knew what & who she was. Going back to her teenage years, she has a long history of heavy duty drug abuse & all the problems which go along with it.
It might be a fair statement that those of us who were the non-drug users & in a relationship with an addict - are an addict by association. I think in my case its a true statement. But like I said previously I am not ashamed of my relationship with her even if it labels me an addict by association.
I was very glad to read that you are cancer free now. That certainly is something to be extremely thankful for.
I don't have advice for you other than to continue to read & participate on this forum. There are many here on SR who totally understand how you feel & what you are going through. I am sure you will get a lot of very sound advice.
Please take care.
I am sorry for your situation with your AH. Crack is a horrible drug. I can only imagine all that you have been through for 17 years. I have seen first hand the progressive nature of addiction.
When I posted my story here in this forum on SR, I very much disliked reading responses where she was labeled an active addict. I knew she was however having other knowledgeable people write it was very hard for me. It was a big reality slap in the face.
I was never ashamed of her or my relationship with her. I knew what & who she was. Going back to her teenage years, she has a long history of heavy duty drug abuse & all the problems which go along with it.
It might be a fair statement that those of us who were the non-drug users & in a relationship with an addict - are an addict by association. I think in my case its a true statement. But like I said previously I am not ashamed of my relationship with her even if it labels me an addict by association.
I was very glad to read that you are cancer free now. That certainly is something to be extremely thankful for.
I don't have advice for you other than to continue to read & participate on this forum. There are many here on SR who totally understand how you feel & what you are going through. I am sure you will get a lot of very sound advice.
Please take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by Seren
Hello JC, and Welcome to SR!
I am sorry to hear about your husband and how all of this has affected you. SR really is a community of people who understand. I think it took incredible strength to reach out here, and you should be proud of yourself!!
Have you considered getting some IRL support for yourself? Therapy with a counselor who specializes in addictions or perhaps a group like Al-Anon?
I am sorry to hear about your husband and how all of this has affected you. SR really is a community of people who understand. I think it took incredible strength to reach out here, and you should be proud of yourself!!
Have you considered getting some IRL support for yourself? Therapy with a counselor who specializes in addictions or perhaps a group like Al-Anon?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Hi jcmajette, I'm glad you found us and have reached out for support and I very glad to hear you beat back the cancer.
I was married to an alcoholic for a couple decades, I understand what it is like to live with an addicted spouse. My AXH was not a horrible person, but he made choices that kept him sick and that affected me in a very negative way. I myself made choices that kept me very codependent and that eventually made me very sick with an anxiety disorder. I literally made myself sick with worry over him. I felt crazy ( and about 100 other negative and destructive feelings) I forgot how to be happy. I forgot what it felt like to be calm and at peace.
Try as I might I was never able to love him into recovery. My love for him and my marriage vows kept me in that really unhealthy situation for a long time. I was also hung up,"on the in sickness and in health" part. Never mind the fact I didn't feel very "honored" or "cherished"... and I certainly wasn't being respected, so I feel that he wasn't exactly living up to his part of the vows either. I'm quite certain that if they started including , "through alcoholism and drug addiction", to the vows people would not be agreeing quite so readily.
One of the most important things I did to help ease up some of the crazy in my brain was to learn about erecting boundaries to protect myself. Once I had a good grip on my boundaries I began to get my strength back, my head started to clear up and I was able to think through the anxiety.
Eventually I decided to end a 26yr long relationship that began when we were 16. It was the most excruciating thing I have ever done, but it was the right thing to do for MY mental and emotional health.
I am not suggesting you leave your husband, I am just sharing what I had to do to get ME healthy and happy again.
It isn't an easy life loving an addict. I am glad you have reached out for help. No matter which path you choose I hope you find your true, happy and peaceful self.
Hugs
I was married to an alcoholic for a couple decades, I understand what it is like to live with an addicted spouse. My AXH was not a horrible person, but he made choices that kept him sick and that affected me in a very negative way. I myself made choices that kept me very codependent and that eventually made me very sick with an anxiety disorder. I literally made myself sick with worry over him. I felt crazy ( and about 100 other negative and destructive feelings) I forgot how to be happy. I forgot what it felt like to be calm and at peace.
Try as I might I was never able to love him into recovery. My love for him and my marriage vows kept me in that really unhealthy situation for a long time. I was also hung up,"on the in sickness and in health" part. Never mind the fact I didn't feel very "honored" or "cherished"... and I certainly wasn't being respected, so I feel that he wasn't exactly living up to his part of the vows either. I'm quite certain that if they started including , "through alcoholism and drug addiction", to the vows people would not be agreeing quite so readily.
One of the most important things I did to help ease up some of the crazy in my brain was to learn about erecting boundaries to protect myself. Once I had a good grip on my boundaries I began to get my strength back, my head started to clear up and I was able to think through the anxiety.
Eventually I decided to end a 26yr long relationship that began when we were 16. It was the most excruciating thing I have ever done, but it was the right thing to do for MY mental and emotional health.
I am not suggesting you leave your husband, I am just sharing what I had to do to get ME healthy and happy again.
It isn't an easy life loving an addict. I am glad you have reached out for help. No matter which path you choose I hope you find your true, happy and peaceful self.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
JC,
We're glad you are here and sorry that you need to be.
Can you be a co-dependent and an enabler? Yep! Most of us here have worn those labels and some still do.
I am not one to knock any support group, but I am a big promoter of Nar-Anon, that organization restored my sanity and continues to maintain it!
I f one reads the steps of AA, NA, Alanon and Nar-anon you will only find a very few words which are different, however, I think there are subtle differences among the groups and undercurrents which swirl around just barely beneath the surface.
The primary difference between Alanon and NarAnon is the fact that alcohol is legal if one is of age and narcotics are not legal (I Won't split hairs about opioid pills). IN any event crack is NOT legal anywhere!
This difference makes the alcoholic addicted to a legal drug, but the "addict" addicted to an illegal drug - a double threat - just by the nature of your husband's addiction, he is not only an addict, but also a criminal. Some, not all, Alanon groups tend to "look down their nose" at the addicts since they are criminals as well as addicts.
Know that you can find your recovery long before your husband finds his, but chances are you will not be able to do that completely on your own.
Find a meeting, NarAnon, CoDependents Anonymous or a receptive Alanon group. SOberrecovery.com is a great source of information and shared experience, but NOTHING beats face-to-face interaction at a meeting.
Attend at least 6 meetings before you decide to commit or move on, try different meetings of the same organaization - they all have different "personalities".
Nar-Anon Family Groups and click on Find A Meeting
Keep coming back,
Jim
We're glad you are here and sorry that you need to be.
Can you be a co-dependent and an enabler? Yep! Most of us here have worn those labels and some still do.
I am not one to knock any support group, but I am a big promoter of Nar-Anon, that organization restored my sanity and continues to maintain it!
I f one reads the steps of AA, NA, Alanon and Nar-anon you will only find a very few words which are different, however, I think there are subtle differences among the groups and undercurrents which swirl around just barely beneath the surface.
The primary difference between Alanon and NarAnon is the fact that alcohol is legal if one is of age and narcotics are not legal (I Won't split hairs about opioid pills). IN any event crack is NOT legal anywhere!
This difference makes the alcoholic addicted to a legal drug, but the "addict" addicted to an illegal drug - a double threat - just by the nature of your husband's addiction, he is not only an addict, but also a criminal. Some, not all, Alanon groups tend to "look down their nose" at the addicts since they are criminals as well as addicts.
Know that you can find your recovery long before your husband finds his, but chances are you will not be able to do that completely on your own.
Find a meeting, NarAnon, CoDependents Anonymous or a receptive Alanon group. SOberrecovery.com is a great source of information and shared experience, but NOTHING beats face-to-face interaction at a meeting.
Attend at least 6 meetings before you decide to commit or move on, try different meetings of the same organaization - they all have different "personalities".
Nar-Anon Family Groups and click on Find A Meeting
Keep coming back,
Jim
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
addiction only becomes a sickness by repeated use by the individual. there is also a simple solution and while addiction is never "cured" it too can be put in remission by the addict doing ONE thing......NOT using.
when you were diagnosed with cancer, i am certain without knowing your story that you willingly did whatever it takes to get better. that you willingly endured a grueling treatment and recovery. and you do not take your remission lightly.
your husband has done nothing to address his illness. nothing long term, nothing that changed the course of events. if he himself is not willing to eradicate addiction from his life, and therefore yours, why should you have to live that awful life of cohabitating with a crackhead?
i'm a former crackhead. it's a lousy terrible selfish crazy place. my partner was also a crackhead and our life together was just insane. we got free.....it can be done. but i wouldn't wish that life on anyone, especially a non-user trying to live a "normal" life with crack. it ain't possible.
you are not alone. there are tools and resources that can help you. your AH has his own set of tools and resources that are available to him. recovery is hardly a secret society these days. if he wants help, he can get it. but here in this place, YOU are the focal point. welcome.
when you were diagnosed with cancer, i am certain without knowing your story that you willingly did whatever it takes to get better. that you willingly endured a grueling treatment and recovery. and you do not take your remission lightly.
your husband has done nothing to address his illness. nothing long term, nothing that changed the course of events. if he himself is not willing to eradicate addiction from his life, and therefore yours, why should you have to live that awful life of cohabitating with a crackhead?
i'm a former crackhead. it's a lousy terrible selfish crazy place. my partner was also a crackhead and our life together was just insane. we got free.....it can be done. but i wouldn't wish that life on anyone, especially a non-user trying to live a "normal" life with crack. it ain't possible.
you are not alone. there are tools and resources that can help you. your AH has his own set of tools and resources that are available to him. recovery is hardly a secret society these days. if he wants help, he can get it. but here in this place, YOU are the focal point. welcome.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I have no idea whether you are codependent. Enabling, I think, is something we all do before we know any better.
The first time I ever went to a counselor, while married to my ex-husband, I was so unhappy that I couldn't have cared any less about any stigma that others may have associated with it. I just needed help. I had "thought" my way into a pretty big hole and needed an outside perspective to get me out. My husband at the time (not drinking then) was certainly not going to provide it.
I hope you can use whatever tools may be available to you to live your best life with peace and joy!
The first time I ever went to a counselor, while married to my ex-husband, I was so unhappy that I couldn't have cared any less about any stigma that others may have associated with it. I just needed help. I had "thought" my way into a pretty big hole and needed an outside perspective to get me out. My husband at the time (not drinking then) was certainly not going to provide it.
I hope you can use whatever tools may be available to you to live your best life with peace and joy!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by Seren
I have no idea whether you are codependent. Enabling, I think, is something we all do before we know any better.
The first time I ever went to a counselor, while married to my ex-husband, I was so unhappy that I couldn't have cared any less about any stigma that others may have associated with it. I just needed help. I had "thought" my way into a pretty big hole and needed an outside perspective to get me out. My husband at the time (not drinking then) was certainly not going to provide it.
I hope you can use whatever tools may be available to you to live your best life with peace and joy!
The first time I ever went to a counselor, while married to my ex-husband, I was so unhappy that I couldn't have cared any less about any stigma that others may have associated with it. I just needed help. I had "thought" my way into a pretty big hole and needed an outside perspective to get me out. My husband at the time (not drinking then) was certainly not going to provide it.
I hope you can use whatever tools may be available to you to live your best life with peace and joy!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
One of the best lines I heard here at SR was…………….
It is always good to have “hope” but hope is not a plan. You need a plan on how to help you, coming here and opening up was great. Face to face support is also great, therapy, counseling, al-anon, nar-anon all of those things can help guide you back to regaining your sanity.
If love was the remedy for addiction none of us would be here, there would be no need for detoxes, rehabs, support meetings, etc.
It’s like you are both on a sinking ship and a lifeboat has been placed in front of you. You want to get in but he wants to still stay on the ship and party. If you pass up this lifeboat to stand and watch him party there might not be another one coming anytime soon.
It is always good to have “hope” but hope is not a plan. You need a plan on how to help you, coming here and opening up was great. Face to face support is also great, therapy, counseling, al-anon, nar-anon all of those things can help guide you back to regaining your sanity.
If love was the remedy for addiction none of us would be here, there would be no need for detoxes, rehabs, support meetings, etc.
It’s like you are both on a sinking ship and a lifeboat has been placed in front of you. You want to get in but he wants to still stay on the ship and party. If you pass up this lifeboat to stand and watch him party there might not be another one coming anytime soon.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
