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Making amends letter to ex - any views welcome

Old 04-21-2018, 06:05 PM
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Making amends letter to ex - any views welcome

I have written a letter which I was hoping to get some views from others who may have been in a similar situation as mine.

Breakdown of a relationship through drinking. The following is a letter I have written and intend to give to the ex who I havent spoken to in 3+ months. Here it is:

The explanation

Having had time to really compose this never made it easy quite how to begin this. A simple ‘hi’ seems lacklustre and a ‘dear…’ too formal. That is a little irrelevant however and not the basis of this communique.

The last time we spoke was in your room and the last things I said were along the lines of “If this is your decision, I will respect that and I will not contact you again”. I remember not wanting to leave as I knew my stubbornness and respect for you would not allow me to return, pausing outside your place for an extra couple of seconds.

So why contact you now? It has been some time since we parted ways and I have needed to look at my life objectively and fix me. There has been some discoveries and progress that could have only come about through me and you no longer being a ‘me and you’. When you made the decision to break up it was the best decision you made for you, me and us. Contacting you now and the reasoning behind that will become clear over the next few minutes.

By the time two weeks had passed since we parted ways I realised how toxic our relationship had become. As weeks progressed into months this was reaffirmed more and more.

I had become a lost, scared and frightened little boy. My excessive drinking ensures I am walking toward a path of self destruction and complete selfishness. Shockingly when I am in the midst of these times, sober or drunk, I am acutely unaware that is what my behaviour is. It distorts reality and alters me sober or not such is the dramatic effect it has on my mind and soul.

On this point, I used to have this ridiculous statement which I felt was very true and clever ‘ drunk kev has ruined it again for sober kev’ - what a load of bollocks. If sober kev was man enough or smart enough then drunk kev would never have existed to have had chance to exist. Twat…

When I went to AA late last year, I recognised the good it did for me. Truly I did. You once said I only went until we were back together then stopped. This is not wholly accurate, I did attend more meets when we started back up, but the real reasons behind me stopping is because I was desperate to be normal. I wanted more than anything to be normal. To go out for a few drinks (ie 2 or 3) like when we did at Latitude or wherever and I stuck to that number. It truly wasn’t difficult for me because I could see the hope in your eyes and the effect that had on me was massive.

I was adamant I had finally got it. Become a normal person and drinker. I was so pleased and wanted to make you proud. I never wanted to be a let down and believed - absolutely - that I had finally, after many years, got the the point I had always wanted to get to.

When I was in last year (in AA), I was so ready to stop drinking, but, I also felt if I could maintain the normal everyday drinking behaviour, even better!! I desperately wanted to show you I could be the man you saw glimmers of now and for the future.

I made a terrible mistake ever deciding to drink again last year. My time with alcohol was not quite done yet and I believe everything happens for a reason. By the time I was in Sydney, I was desperately unhappy. I had lost my purpose, direction, purpose for life. I had made you my sole reason for being and put massive emphasis and pressure - unfairly - on you. All the fun and joy of being together was gone because I behaved in the way I did.

My mind was a mess. Thoughts of wanting to go travelling with you more than anything and juggling that with wanting to expand my property portfolio - trying to figure it out was driving me crazy and I drunk.

When I would speak to you on the phone and tell you I would let you down, I had and was continually letting you down. When we started out, I cannot begin to tell you the hope, admiration and love I had for you. You were so much fun and so good for me. We were awesome together. Both intelligent and driven, caring and curious. The potential was unique and one I haven’t experienced before.

My drinking would challenge us time and time again and my behaviour brought about by it was abhorrent. With sober clarity I shake my head in disgust at the piece of **** I become when intoxicated.

When you disclosed what you did with your former boyfriend to me I felt enraged and like I would prove to you, show you what a real man was. Be your knight in shining armour. As stated previously, occasionally I would behave in this manner but it would be tempered by the folly of me drinking to excess.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. The more I continued to choose to drink, the worse it got and the worse I became. When I gave up for five years (2004 - 2009) and went back out there, I would suffer blackouts. - A blackout is not where one passes out or loses consciousness but where events and memories are erased. I would remember most things, some things, a little bit or nothing dependent on the quantity and what was drunk.

As I have drunk from 2009 onwards, my personality has changed when drinking. I become more aggressive and nasty with words. Not always but sometimes.

This erratic nature would have been so difficult for you. It would be a case of wondering who you would get right? Dr. Jekyll or Mr Hyde. That would have been devastating for you hoping for the good guy and not the bad.

By the time we ended you has become my therapist, not my partner. You would have become emotionally exhausted trying to support me and wondering who this man was you were talking to. What had become of the Kevin you first knew and it is not lost on me how many times you would have fought my corner to others. Lied for me and had hoped dashed time and time again. You would cringe as I would talk ‘light heartedly’ of marriage and joke of 7 kids or whatever - I was so fearful of losing you, the only thing that brought me joy, I would do anything to ‘tie you down’.

I have pondered and wondered quite how many times you would have cried about the hopelessness of it all. Feeling that if I could just come to my senses everything would be ok. Always waiting for that moment would have been hell for you.

All the while I was oblivious to this because I head was literally, up my own ass. It makes me the most selfish ***** in the world. Takes away my confidence to the point where I am fearful of everything.

It has been a valuable lesson in life losing you. It has made me take a long hard look at myself and my behaviour and I am so grateful for that. There isn’t anything I can do to change what I have done and the damage I caused.

I understand that I have damaged you in the past, I understand you tried for as long as you could and that I was cause of our failure to succeed. Further, the programme I am working requires me to make a list of those I have harmed and be willing to make amends to them.

If there is anything I can do to make amends I am prepared to.

********, I am so sorry.
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Old 04-21-2018, 06:27 PM
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Hi Kejun

I'm afraid my view on this is still the same. Even if you're working with a sponsor and you're up to amends, now might not be the best time for an amends, especially if she's asked you to leave her alone.

I'd run the letter by them too. To me an amends needs to be short, it needs to be focused, transparent and without justifications or excessive beating one's self up.

I know it's hard, and I understand that you want to fix things, but I honestly think you're better working on yourself and your recovery right now.

D
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Old 04-21-2018, 06:36 PM
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Sometimes the best amends is simply to respect a person’s wishes, communicate only ‘I am truly sorry I hurt you’, and live your own life in sobriety and health......
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Old 04-21-2018, 07:13 PM
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After posting this I went for a 7k run and although the letter would not be sent anytime in the near future, already I can see my intentions are other than completely honest in nature.

I wont send it, nor will I in the future.

Dealing with leaving alcohol alone and her alone is very difficult but needs to happen.

Thank you
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