Learning New Behaviours
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Learning New Behaviours Learning New Behaviors
Sometimes we'll take a few steps backward. That's okay too. Sometimes it's necessary. Sometimes it's part of going forward.
—Codependent No More
Life is a Gentle Teacher. She wants to help us learn.
The lessons she wants to teach us are the ones we need to learn. Some say they are the lessons we chose to learn before we were born. Others say they are the lessons that were chosen for us.
It's frustrating to be in the midst of learning. It is like sitting in algebra class, listening to a teacher explain a subject beyond our comprehension. We do not understand, but the teacher takes the understanding for granted.
It may feel like someone is torturing us with messages that we shall never understand. We strain and strain. We become angry. Frustrated. Confused. Finally, in despair, we turn away, deciding that that formula will never be available to our mind.
Later, while taking a quiet walk, we break through. Quietly, the gift of understanding has reached that deepest place in us. We understand. We have learned. The next day in class, it's hard for us to imagine not knowing. It is hard to remember the frustration and confusion of those who have not yet caught on. It seems so easy . . . now.
Life is a Gentle Teacher. She will keep repeating the lesson until we learn. It is okay to become frustrated. Confused. Angry. Sometimes it is okay to despair. Then, it is okay to walk away and allow the breakthrough to come.
It shall.
Help me remember that frustration and confusion usually precede growth. If my situation is challenging me, it is because I'm learning something new, rising to a higher level of understanding. Help me be grateful, even in my frustration, that life is an exciting progression of lessons.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
Sometimes we'll take a few steps backward. That's okay too. Sometimes it's necessary. Sometimes it's part of going forward.
—Codependent No More
Life is a Gentle Teacher. She wants to help us learn.
The lessons she wants to teach us are the ones we need to learn. Some say they are the lessons we chose to learn before we were born. Others say they are the lessons that were chosen for us.
It's frustrating to be in the midst of learning. It is like sitting in algebra class, listening to a teacher explain a subject beyond our comprehension. We do not understand, but the teacher takes the understanding for granted.
It may feel like someone is torturing us with messages that we shall never understand. We strain and strain. We become angry. Frustrated. Confused. Finally, in despair, we turn away, deciding that that formula will never be available to our mind.
Later, while taking a quiet walk, we break through. Quietly, the gift of understanding has reached that deepest place in us. We understand. We have learned. The next day in class, it's hard for us to imagine not knowing. It is hard to remember the frustration and confusion of those who have not yet caught on. It seems so easy . . . now.
Life is a Gentle Teacher. She will keep repeating the lesson until we learn. It is okay to become frustrated. Confused. Angry. Sometimes it is okay to despair. Then, it is okay to walk away and allow the breakthrough to come.
It shall.
Help me remember that frustration and confusion usually precede growth. If my situation is challenging me, it is because I'm learning something new, rising to a higher level of understanding. Help me be grateful, even in my frustration, that life is an exciting progression of lessons.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Nobody was more resistant, heels dug in stubborn than I was at the beginning of my recovery, and even times since.
In hindsight, I think it was because of fear of change. I had become used to chaos and dysfunction, it had become my "normal". I knew how to behave, I knew what to expect, however disappointing. I knew how to live a dysfunctional life and had no idea how to change and venture into unfamiliar territory.
Baby steps helped, although I felt resistance as I progressed, my addicted son did not like my "new" behaviour, my boundaries, my change from the person he knew how to manipulate. One day I almost threw my one year chip from CoDA out the window thinking "What's the use? I am still unhappy"....and then, an epiphany happened. I was uhappy because I had changed my behaviour but not my thinking, not my mindset. I was unhappy because my son was unhappy with me.
Well, boo hoo and pffffftt! It wasn't about him, my recovery was about ME and from that moment I changed my mindset to dedicate myself to getting better, to finding my balance and damn it, finding happiness even if it killed me.
Learning new behaviours includes finding a healthier mindset too. I think they forgot to tell me that part.
Hope this inspires you to ponder for a while and see if your mindset could use a little adjustment.
Amen and thank you Melody Beattie.
In hindsight, I think it was because of fear of change. I had become used to chaos and dysfunction, it had become my "normal". I knew how to behave, I knew what to expect, however disappointing. I knew how to live a dysfunctional life and had no idea how to change and venture into unfamiliar territory.
Baby steps helped, although I felt resistance as I progressed, my addicted son did not like my "new" behaviour, my boundaries, my change from the person he knew how to manipulate. One day I almost threw my one year chip from CoDA out the window thinking "What's the use? I am still unhappy"....and then, an epiphany happened. I was uhappy because I had changed my behaviour but not my thinking, not my mindset. I was unhappy because my son was unhappy with me.
Well, boo hoo and pffffftt! It wasn't about him, my recovery was about ME and from that moment I changed my mindset to dedicate myself to getting better, to finding my balance and damn it, finding happiness even if it killed me.
Learning new behaviours includes finding a healthier mindset too. I think they forgot to tell me that part.
Hope this inspires you to ponder for a while and see if your mindset could use a little adjustment.
Help me remember that frustration and confusion usually precede growth. If my situation is challenging me, it is because I'm learning something new, rising to a higher level of understanding. Help me be grateful, even in my frustration, that life is an exciting progression of lessons.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hi Ann
I had a difficult day yesterday. Nothing external happened. Just struggling on the inside.
When I woke up this morning, still felt unsettled. I thought I will go on SR to see if I could somehow find some words of wisdom. I always look in the F & F substance abuse first. I immediately found your meaningful post.
Just wanted to say thank you for posting this most meaningful & helpful information.
I know your story & I am sorry for your situation with your son.
I had a difficult day yesterday. Nothing external happened. Just struggling on the inside.
When I woke up this morning, still felt unsettled. I thought I will go on SR to see if I could somehow find some words of wisdom. I always look in the F & F substance abuse first. I immediately found your meaningful post.
Just wanted to say thank you for posting this most meaningful & helpful information.
I know your story & I am sorry for your situation with your son.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
HardLessons, it's funny how we see or read exactly what we need to, at the time we need to most.
It happens to me all the time, here and often when I am choosing a reading to post I will find one that speaks right to me, pokes me in the ribs and trips me if I try to pass without thinking about it for a while.
I am so glad it helped you, it was readings like this that inspired me along my recovery journey.
Hugs
It happens to me all the time, here and often when I am choosing a reading to post I will find one that speaks right to me, pokes me in the ribs and trips me if I try to pass without thinking about it for a while.
I am so glad it helped you, it was readings like this that inspired me along my recovery journey.
Hugs
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