On the verge of suicide because my father has no idea how much his alcoholism affected me..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 9
On the verge of suicide because my father has no idea how much his alcoholism affected me..
... and I want him to learn his lesson.
He's been an alcoholic for almost 20 years; not continuously, there were progress, up and down, many bad things happened, though: he lost his hearing to the left ear because of this, he destroyed our TV and VHS player (not intentionally but still), a car almost ran over him, and of course he's (or his addiction) robbed us a horrific amount of money.
My point is, none of these have stopped/affected him.
I've threatened him with suicide a few times, of course he promised me he'll change (and pretended to care), tried to talk me outta that, I was stupid enough to believe it. Few weeks later, he's plastered again (and in my understanding, he did so to intentionally go back on the promise and hurt me)
I feel like he won't change/ ever learn the lesson (and understand what he's been doing to me/us) unless a disastrous thing happens to him- that would be me ending my life (if nothing else)
I know I see things in an unhealthy way, but I cannot help it.
He's ruined my whole childhood/early adulthood, and I feel like there need to be some kind of retribution. This cannot go unpunished.
Has anyone here felt like I do?
He's been an alcoholic for almost 20 years; not continuously, there were progress, up and down, many bad things happened, though: he lost his hearing to the left ear because of this, he destroyed our TV and VHS player (not intentionally but still), a car almost ran over him, and of course he's (or his addiction) robbed us a horrific amount of money.
My point is, none of these have stopped/affected him.
I've threatened him with suicide a few times, of course he promised me he'll change (and pretended to care), tried to talk me outta that, I was stupid enough to believe it. Few weeks later, he's plastered again (and in my understanding, he did so to intentionally go back on the promise and hurt me)
I feel like he won't change/ ever learn the lesson (and understand what he's been doing to me/us) unless a disastrous thing happens to him- that would be me ending my life (if nothing else)
I know I see things in an unhealthy way, but I cannot help it.
He's ruined my whole childhood/early adulthood, and I feel like there need to be some kind of retribution. This cannot go unpunished.
Has anyone here felt like I do?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Hi Spointires and welcome
I reckon your life is more precious and has more value than simply to be used to prove a point or try and make someone learn a lesson.
I understand you're in pain and you want your Dad to change, but this is not the way it's going to happen.
I was an active alcoholic for many years.
Alcoholism is so counter intuitive to logic that a tragedy was likely to make me drink more not less.
You sound like you're at the end of your tether. Maybe calling a crisis line could help?
You'll find numbers and other links here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
I'm really glad you found us.
It sounds like you need some support encouragement and understanding and thats precisely what we offer here.
Being the loved one of an addict or alcoholic can feel terribly lonely, but you're not alone anymore - I promise
D
I reckon your life is more precious and has more value than simply to be used to prove a point or try and make someone learn a lesson.
I understand you're in pain and you want your Dad to change, but this is not the way it's going to happen.
I was an active alcoholic for many years.
Alcoholism is so counter intuitive to logic that a tragedy was likely to make me drink more not less.
You sound like you're at the end of your tether. Maybe calling a crisis line could help?
You'll find numbers and other links here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
I'm really glad you found us.
It sounds like you need some support encouragement and understanding and thats precisely what we offer here.
Being the loved one of an addict or alcoholic can feel terribly lonely, but you're not alone anymore - I promise
D
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello spintires, and welcome!
The pain of loving someone who is addicted only to be let down and disappointed and scared over and over again is awful!
I don't think I could add a thing to what Dee said. Just know that you have found a community where people truly do understand...and have lived it.
Sending healing thoughts and prayers to you.
The pain of loving someone who is addicted only to be let down and disappointed and scared over and over again is awful!
I don't think I could add a thing to what Dee said. Just know that you have found a community where people truly do understand...and have lived it.
Sending healing thoughts and prayers to you.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I'm very sorry for your situation with your father.
Please seek support for yourself through your dr or a therapist to help you deal with your feelings. Suicide is never the answer.
Please seek support for yourself through your dr or a therapist to help you deal with your feelings. Suicide is never the answer.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 9
Thanks for the input, everyone!
There's a rational and an emotional self inside my head.
The rational one is telling me what you'd had all told me. If I commit suicide, and I'll say "it's solely your fault" in my last letter, that'll most likely send him into a drinking rampage (and possibly die of alcohol poisoning - and that would be a bliss to my mother and bother, honestly).
However, my emotional side is (obviously) very hurt because of his actions.
He left me wounded for the rest of my life and I'm experiencing all the flaws that's caused by an alcoholic parent (i.e. judging myself without mercy, inability to trust people, difficulty with intimate relationships, fear of responsibility, etc)
I think I'm justified to feel that I'll never be a "complete" adult because of these problems.
I asked myself a thousand times "what have I done against him to deserve what I've been getting from him for almost 20 years??" I almost feel guilty for existing..
As you can see, I've always been emotionally wounded to begin with (and most likely because of him, because the first memories from my childhood are him being drunk, lying in the kitchen floor, etc and nothing else, I literally have no positive memories with him), I've been putting up with this **** for way too long (not even sure how I'm still alive at this point), I'm afraid there'll be a
certain action that'll break the camel's back.
There's a rational and an emotional self inside my head.
The rational one is telling me what you'd had all told me. If I commit suicide, and I'll say "it's solely your fault" in my last letter, that'll most likely send him into a drinking rampage (and possibly die of alcohol poisoning - and that would be a bliss to my mother and bother, honestly).
However, my emotional side is (obviously) very hurt because of his actions.
He left me wounded for the rest of my life and I'm experiencing all the flaws that's caused by an alcoholic parent (i.e. judging myself without mercy, inability to trust people, difficulty with intimate relationships, fear of responsibility, etc)
I think I'm justified to feel that I'll never be a "complete" adult because of these problems.
I asked myself a thousand times "what have I done against him to deserve what I've been getting from him for almost 20 years??" I almost feel guilty for existing..
As you can see, I've always been emotionally wounded to begin with (and most likely because of him, because the first memories from my childhood are him being drunk, lying in the kitchen floor, etc and nothing else, I literally have no positive memories with him), I've been putting up with this **** for way too long (not even sure how I'm still alive at this point), I'm afraid there'll be a
certain action that'll break the camel's back.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
He left me wounded for the rest of my life
I decided about ten years ago that I'd hurt enough.
I deliberately cut contact with my family, had some counselling got sober and generally built the kind of life I wanted.
All those things that happened to me in the past I still remember but they no longer hurt me. Carrying them around for 40 years was long enough.
I've grown, I changed and I have a great life that I've built with my own two hands, a glad heart and a clear head.
I'm sure that you could do the same spintires.
One of the best books I've ever read on forgiveness is Wm Paul Youngs The Shack.
This resonated with me and I hope it resonates with you too.
“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation.........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness......”
― William Paul Young, The Shack
Sometimes I think we have to let go and let God?
I was hurt as a child - I'll be damned if I'll let myself be hurt as an adult too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 9
"I had to give up thoughts of payback and restitution - not because they weren't valid or justified but because holding on to those expectations and seeing them unfulfilled was hurting me."
Damn, this seriously made me think..
But (if I understood right), you were the alcoholic, not the child of one?
Damn, this seriously made me think..
But (if I understood right), you were the alcoholic, not the child of one?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Yeah I was the alcoholic - but I was a child with a rough childhood before I became an alcoholic (I have cerebral palsy) so I do empathise .
Alcohol and drugs were just the stupid way I went with to try and deal with some of that lifelong stuff.
D
Alcohol and drugs were just the stupid way I went with to try and deal with some of that lifelong stuff.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 9
I'm sorry to hear that.
My grandfather was a very serious alcoholic (and chain smoker, too), and he didn't even reach the point of admitting he's an addict, he lived his whole life like that- and eventually died in 1990 (at the age of 54).
My father hated him very much (he wasn't the silent type of alcoholic, my grandma and him quarreled a lot, once he chased them around the garden with a hatchet), and my father witnessed all of that.
When he died in 1990, all that anger and hatred turned into guilt and sorrow; that's when he started drinking as a way of suppressing/escaping reality.
In my opinion, he's already a lost case and cannot be saved. He's been to countless hospitals, "consumed" like 15 psychiatrists, went through a horrific amount of anti-depressants, there were some progress, but eventually he always falls back into the pit.
And I'm tired of seeing this again and again.
My grandfather was a very serious alcoholic (and chain smoker, too), and he didn't even reach the point of admitting he's an addict, he lived his whole life like that- and eventually died in 1990 (at the age of 54).
My father hated him very much (he wasn't the silent type of alcoholic, my grandma and him quarreled a lot, once he chased them around the garden with a hatchet), and my father witnessed all of that.
When he died in 1990, all that anger and hatred turned into guilt and sorrow; that's when he started drinking as a way of suppressing/escaping reality.
In my opinion, he's already a lost case and cannot be saved. He's been to countless hospitals, "consumed" like 15 psychiatrists, went through a horrific amount of anti-depressants, there were some progress, but eventually he always falls back into the pit.
And I'm tired of seeing this again and again.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Everythings fine now - I have a good life and a chosen family of friends who love me.
The point I was trying to make I guess is we each get to write the story of our lives.
I'm not letting anyone hijack my story again
D
The point I was trying to make I guess is we each get to write the story of our lives.
I'm not letting anyone hijack my story again
D
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 42
Hi Spintires,
I am the wife of an acoa.
Both my husband and BIL left home at a young age to get away from their alcoholic father. My BIL left home at 18. He joined the Air Force and went overseas to train as a pilot. My husband left home at 20. After they move out, they wanted nothing more to do with their father.
Are you in any position to move out of your family home? IMHO, this is the first thing you need to do – to move out and get yourself out of the situation so that you do not have to face the same **** every day since it seems to me you have reached the end of the rope and at risk of harming yourself if you stay.
Is there someone you can talk to and confide in so that you don’t feel you all alone struggling with this problem?
My husband and BIL never tried to change their alcoholic father or stop him from drinking. Instead, they try their best to be the father to their own children the father they never had. In doing so, they managed to break the cycle of dysfunction that has been running in the family for many generations. They do struggle with their acoa issues but have never turn to alcohol or drugs.
I am the wife of an acoa.
Both my husband and BIL left home at a young age to get away from their alcoholic father. My BIL left home at 18. He joined the Air Force and went overseas to train as a pilot. My husband left home at 20. After they move out, they wanted nothing more to do with their father.
Are you in any position to move out of your family home? IMHO, this is the first thing you need to do – to move out and get yourself out of the situation so that you do not have to face the same **** every day since it seems to me you have reached the end of the rope and at risk of harming yourself if you stay.
Is there someone you can talk to and confide in so that you don’t feel you all alone struggling with this problem?
Originally Posted by spintires 
he promised me he'll change
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Hello Spintires
I have felt like you at many times during my life. I wasn't feeling suicidal to get my dad to change, I just wanted to escape the pain.
I am 58 years old now, and sober for over 4 years. My Dad has been dead for many years. I no longer have any thoughts of suicide. HOWEVER,
I have to guard against more subtle ideas that can creep in. I have to guard against making life decisions based on fear and dread.
Decisions based on maintaining tranquility are okay. If this means avoiding certain people, I do it.
I am glad you didn't follow through on the suicide. That would have been a huge tragedy, and a loss for us.
I have felt like you at many times during my life. I wasn't feeling suicidal to get my dad to change, I just wanted to escape the pain.
I am 58 years old now, and sober for over 4 years. My Dad has been dead for many years. I no longer have any thoughts of suicide. HOWEVER,
I have to guard against more subtle ideas that can creep in. I have to guard against making life decisions based on fear and dread.
Decisions based on maintaining tranquility are okay. If this means avoiding certain people, I do it.
I am glad you didn't follow through on the suicide. That would have been a huge tragedy, and a loss for us.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 22
It took me 27 years to realize that just because I was born into a dysfunctional family with an alcholic mother that I don’t actually have to continue to let it affect my life. I’ve learned to accept the things I can’t change and to change the things I can. I can’t change that my mother is an alcholic, and no matter how hard I try to give her reasons to stop, that I can’t actually make her want to change. But I can change the way I react to it. My life is my life and not my mothers. I also have horrible memories and don’t remember any of the good ones. I can’t change the past, but I can live for me, and live in the present moment. I’ve distanced myself from my mother and family members who enable, and even though it was the hardest thing I had to do because I love my family very much, im now seeing it was the best thing I could have done. I feel free. I don’t need to try and please people anymore who aren’t good for me or my well being. I used to put so much time and energy into wanting things to be different for my family, but now, I have so much energy to use towards the good in my life. Ive cut out people who aren’t good for me, and Im learning to embrace the people that are good for me. While you can’t change your past, you can embrace the good things that have come from the bad if you can. It’s all about perspective. For instance, I know how NOT to raise my children and I will use my past as a guide of things that my child will NOT witness like I did. I am gentle, kind, and very patient and I believe I am all those things because my mother was never that way with me. Please seek help and know that you really can live a rich life for yourself when you learn to let go of the hurt and pain and begin to live for yourself. I use a meditation app called Calm and it has helped me so much to stay grounded when I have feelings of anxiety, guilt or anger. Meditation is wonderful for the soul.
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