whatsgoingon

You and alcohol! That’s what my wife said last night as I poured a glass of cider. ‘What you talking about?! This my first drink all week!’ I said as I was attempting to put things away in the dishwasher. I stumbled and she remarked ‘are you drunk?’ ’Nooooo’ I said. I was completely bolloxed.

Why am I behaving like this? I seem to be drinking for two days then have a day off and then start again. Yesterday was a sunny day, I was stressed and angry because my six year old son would not play football at his training session. I got myself so worked up over something so trivial l, I was literally craving my first beer. When I got home I think I drank two beers in a matter of minutes. During the rest of the evening I secretly drank a few glasses of wine and then a glass or two of cider.

I’ve clearly got a problem if I’m drinking like this and on my own. I know that and I’ve been coming on here for long enough I pretty much know the advice I will get. I’m in a spiral. Some weeks the drinking is in control other weeks it’s not. The drinking follows the same path of indulgence, remorse and then denial. Last night at around 6 pm my mind was already talking me into drinking and the devil in my brain was drowning out any common sense I might of had. Today will follow the usual Morning after of feeling tired, disinterested, stressed, unhappy and guilt. I’ll tell myself all the usual things about how this time I’m definitely going to stop. It may last for a day but as soon as the alcohol has cleared my system the craving starts again.

I’ve bought a few books about recovery recently to see if that might help. I’m also considering signing up for an online challenge called ‘one year no beer’. I’ve considered going to aa but I’m reluctant in case someone finds out. I don’t want to be labelled an alcoholic for the rest of my life. Also I’m not a religious person and I’m not sure about the spiritual stuff.

Hey, I’m just checking in here. I’m not looking for sympathy, I know I’ve got a problem. Thanks for reading.

Dee74

Hi whatsgoingon

I remember that for a few years before I finally quit my plans were chock full on good intent but pretty light on action and real change, unless it was action to maintain the status quo of me drinking.

I was deeply ambivalent - I knew my drinking was destructive and I knew it hurt those I loved - but in my midn they were part fo the problem...'honestly, without those guys, if I'd had my way I'd drink all day everyday...'

and inevitably thats what happened to me in the end.

I lost everything but the bottle, and I drank all day everyday.

It's nowhere as good as it might sound to your AV.

You have the chance to stop the elevator before it crashes into the basement.

I really hope you'll do something about it before its too late.

D

decchemist

Because you are an alcoholic?

Not ready to quit then really?


In my final drinking days I pulled out the bottom rack on the dishwasher so fast that all the plates smashed. I said to my wife that there must have been something wrong with the rack. Hmm.

Caralara144

Hey I felt like you to I was spiriling also ..
I knew I had big problems with alcohol but I didn't want to admit it ...
The best day for me (although it was the worst) was the day after boxing day when I finally said enough !!! I told my family just how bad I was how scared I was an I needed help
My daughter has been totally amazing throughout ...
It's not easy admitting you've a drink problem but it's way easier than drinking
If I never do another thing in my life I know I've done the best thing I can ever do for me an my children by stopping drink
I wish you all the best
Xxx

FreedomCA

The cravings will naturally come in the beginning; you just need to develop enough pause and distraction to allow them time to pass without acting on them. The sober days will then build and it will get easier.

Nonsensical

So, what are you going to do when the craving starts again?

lessgravity

Could insert myself directly into your account man. Change a few things and I've been that father and husband myself.

There's a better life for us out there.

As many have asked me, what's your plan?

Delilah1

Welcome back to SR! Things really do get better sober. I spent s long time trying to convince myself I was "fine," and then s few years alternating between periods of sobriety and failed attempts at moderation.

On NYE 2015 I was at a party, and decided that I was not going to drink anymore, I was going to start 2016 alcohol free. There was no big rock bottom, but I had s lot of mornings like the one you are having today, and I can tell you that life is so much better sober. What helped me finally stop was focusing on recovery, rather then just obsessing about not drinking. I read and posted on here a lot, and I still do read and post here daily. I began to get back into s regular exercise routine, I read lots of great recovery books, and journaled. I also learned about mindfulness.

There are lots of different paths to recovery. Spend some time reading on here and find some that will work for you.

This link is a good place to start.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)

D122y

Whats,

Imo...all of us here have brain damage from drinking.

While I was actively drinking I was medicating the damage done as it progressed further and further.

I didn't know what was left of the real me until I was well into 6 months clean.

The way to 6 months clean and beyond is education....Sr...and suffering through the brain and body healing.

If I wasn't able to suffer through, I would still be actively addicted and continuing my death spiral.

Lucky for me in a way, I began to to have pancreatic symptoms and panic attacks that would cause me hellish distress.

In hindsight I was showing lingering symptoms for over the last 20 years.

Hope this helps you.

Thanks.

Hawkeye13

2012 join date, so pretty much you're son has grown up with this?

That's a really good reason to step your own game and beat the drink for good.

One year no beer sounds like a great idea.

If you don't want a label, what about a recovery system like Rational Recovery?

Rational Recovery | The Crash Course On AVRT

I fight relapse and spiraling too at times.
It is simple but not easy, and hard to accept that we can never drink safely.

I think being honest with yourself, making a plan, and taking action might
be a relief--it was for me.

entropy1964

Why am I behaving like this? I seem to be drinking for two days then have a day off and then start again. Yesterday was a sunny day, I was stressed and angry because my six year old son would not play football at his training session. I got myself so worked up over something so trivial l, I was literally craving my first beer. When I got home I think I drank two beers in a matter of minutes. During the rest of the evening I secretly drank a few glasses of wine and then a glass or two of cider.

I used to think that my child's behavior triggered me. But that was ridiculous right? She's a CHILD. I'm the adult. But I was acting like the child. So then I thought it was parenting that was triggering me. Then I realized that it was my emotional immaturity that was triggering. It was my lack of control that was triggering me. It was my inability to parent consistently (holding up boundaries, saying NO when no was necessary) that was triggering me. In other words, it was all me. It had nothing to do with her. Zippo.

I had to take full responsibility for my drinking. I drank because I wanted to. Period. Everything else was just rational and justification. And I needed/need to change my behavior, pause before reacting. Think. My addiction is very reactive. I am very reactive. That thinking does not work. I learned that I don't have the luxury of getting reactive, getting angry. That behavior makes me thirsty.

Accept that I have no control of anything outside of myself. Have faith that everything generally works out if I stay sober. Be totally honest with myself and others...always. Let go, relax, don't react...to anything. Unless I'm on fire or something.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Whatsgoingon. Lots of good advice here already, and I think you hit the nail on the head there in your quoate above. Last time you came here you said the same thing, in fact you added

"Not sure why I posting on here again. I never listen to the advice I receive." https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...hard-stop.html (Finding it hard to stop.)

So yeah...if you are just coming here to talk, that's fine - you are welcome to do so. But don't expect anything to change in regards to your drinking and the consequences. You were sober back around 2012-13 when you first started coming here, so you definitely know that you can do it.

Start taking some of the advice you get, make a plan and carry it out and you can make serious, positive change.

BlownOne

I don’t want to be labelled an alcoholic for the rest of my life.

I don't want to be labeled a diabetic the rest of my life either, but that's exactly what I am. I can either accept it and do something to combat it or I can live in denial and die earlier than necessary. The choice is mine.

whatsgoingon

Thanks for all that messaged. I feel humbled and I also feel embarrassed as I don’t think I deserve your support. I don’t listen, I don’t take any action. I feel quite hopeless. I’m a weak willed addict. If I’m honest with you and myself I probably don’t want to give up. I’m in total denial. Yet there is a part that’s knows what a mess I’m in and wants to get better. Today I feel really sad. I drank last night and my wife just looks like she is hurting. She has not said anything but I bet she is crying inside. Right now I don’t have a plan. Don’t know what to do. Sorry guys.

lessgravity

Was wondering where you were and if you were still drinking.

Sounds clear to me that the pain you are causing your family is something you are also experiencing very deeply and perhaps going to carry with you for the rest of your life unless you can right your ship.

I have done the same to my lovely, loving family. But I crossed the line with booze this year, after many many failed attempts. I now see booze and the Beast in me that wants to be fed, as separate from me, enemies of my self. I have had to go on the offensive, rather than play defensive (as Buck and Non have put it on these boards).

You have to take action, suck it up, endure the pain of denying your AV what it wants.

What does the AV/booze/Beast want? Everything.

And if you don't make a plan and execute and save yourself, everything might be lost.

I speak from experience and as one who is still in the midst of the fight.

Please check in with us, learn from the many many people on this site with much greater wisdom than me.

But you have to get your head and heart and self to want that, want the good life for you and your family, more than you want to destroy those things enslaved to the Beast.

Sending you strength over the Atlantic pal.

decchemist

Don't leave it too late. You could lose your wife.

But only you can decide when it's time to surrender. When you do we are here to support all we can. You will need a plan.

Nonsensical

Welcome to addiction. The affliction that puts one part of your brain at war against the other. The side that wins that war is completely up to you.

You are also someone who joined a sobriety forum, and that is a very encouraging thought.

Change is possible.
Hope is reasonable.
You can do this.

Dee74

so am I in respect to my drugs of choice.

I accepted the fact if I wanted a better life, I had to make changes and give those things up.

Being an addict isn't really a good enough excuse.

There are thousands of addicts here living happily in recovery - you could be one of them too

D

zoeydog

whatsgoingon ... I could have written your post. Identical. You are not alone. I'm not doing perfectly, but much better and heading in a healthier direction. Dry January was so great, and after a slip, I'm climbing back out. I'm going to keep revisiting this page to stay motivated. Thanks to all who are helping whatsgoingon because you're helping me, too. And I appreciate that.

ScottFromWI

So make a plan. Being sorry is not necessary nor does it help anyone - especially you.

Making a plan is not really hard - but it requires you to do the work. Maybe you could start by simply taking a piece of paper and writing down some things you could do today to turn this around?

For example:

Today, I will go to a recovery meeting

Today I will call our local alcohol/drug resource and ask them where i can find help

Today I will get rid of any alcohol I have in my possession and I won't buy any more

Today I will plan alternate activities around times when I would normally drink.

Today I will not drink any alcohol - no matter what.

I'm sure you can probably come up with some of your own too - but the bottom line is that action on your part is the only way out of this. We can help, but you have to take the first steps.