lessgravity

I was invited to a going-away party for a former colleague of mine at a restaurant/bar. I have no interest in going for any other reason than it presents a business opportunity to have my face and name out among people who should have my face and name in their heads.

I have no desire or thought to drink.

Truth is, I barely want to go and would stop in, shake a few hands and leave right away.

Nonetheless, when I mentioned it to my wife she said she didn't want me to go alone without her. Doesn't trust me in that kind of place.

I get her feelings. They make absolute sense.

Importantly I am not going to allow her disappointment and discomfort to feed my AV (ie ah ha! you always disappoint and upset, you never can quit, just drink again! etc).

Just wanted to post this. Looking forward to earning her trust back. Not going to allow myself to wallow in self-pity thinking how I am someone his own life cannot trust.

Pushing forward, onward.

Anna

Yeah, it takes time and patience to win back the trust, but it will be worth it, LG.

Nonsensical

Jeebus, it's like she cares about you or something.

I got one of them, too. Winning back her trust was possibly the biggest high on this sober ride. Totally worth doing.

Get it done.

ScottFromWI

Yeah, it takes a while. I've been sober 5 years plus now and there's still a slight bit of doubt i'll probably never be able to erase from my wife's mind completely. But it's vastly improved and i acknowledge it was of my own doing in the first place.

lessgravity

Thank you all already.

I definitely acknowledge this is my doing entirely. Part of my new understanding in sobriety is that my AV would pick up on this previously and whisper in my ear about how I might as well "not bother" this is who I am, might as well give in etc.

It does show me that she does care about me.

A sh-tty feeling, however earned.

Not even slightly knocking me off course though.

goodbyeevan

I remember your NOLA trio for a wedding and being so happy you made it through the whole thing sober. She will trust you again soon, I'm sure it will just mean some sober weeks under your belt.

Ladysadie

There you go Less: owning it. How cool is that, and important in moving forward to the good stuff relationship building is about. I think this is part of what is called, "doing the work".

AnvilheadII

how I am someone his own life cannot trust.

intentional or not, that's a pretty deep letter swap there!!!

maybe try not to see if so much that your Wife does not TRUST you as much as she is aware that a drinking environment isn't exactly a SAFE place for you......

or heck, maybe she has good reason not to "trust" you in a place where there's liquor.....it's possible based on your past behaviors it's not too far off the mark to worry???

lessgravity

Thanks good, no question it's something to esteem to.

lessgravity

Amazing letter swap! That's part of my feelings in life anyhow right? The divided self etc.

And yes she has every reason to care and be worried.

Dee74

You will rebuild Less

D

Rar

Awww, Less. I'm not sure that "not trust" are accurate words, though I guess you could say that's what it looks like and so you drew that conclusion. My thoughts are that she wants you to succeed and realizes such an environment could be tempting for you right now. She also realizes that her presence would be a deterrent to you drinking. Unless she came right out and said she didn't trust you, my thoughts are she wants to help with her presence.

I get your reasons for wanting to network. Will you take her along?

Buckley3

If it were me I'd for sure feel a slight punch in the gut type blow to my ego. I think that's a natural reaction for a guy especially - and especially to use alcoholics who lean toward having big egos.

You seem to be taking it well. And frankly, having her support is great, especially this early on.


So glad you're back rocking this!

B

lessgravity

It's a little early in my not drinking since my last AND FINAL binge for me to do anything but agree with my wife. She is not acting mean or upset. She did use the word "trust" and "lie to me". I get it. For her, from a family of very responsible non-drinkers, this is all new.

But it's ok. Going to meet a contact for a coffee before he heads in.

Making due.

thomas11

The real question is do you trust you? When drinking my wife worrying about me was a given, whether I trusted myself was always the challenge.

Ladysadie

Rar is right on.

lessgravity

More than 3 months since I posted this and I can feel and see changes already. I feel very lucky and am holding on to these feelings of gratitude and calm peace when I think about my family - wife, son, infant daughter.

I continue to owe them so much - drastically more than I was ever able to give as a pathetic, selfish drunk. It feels good to finally have the energy, time, focus and strength to do the right thing by my family and for myself.

Sober is the only way.

tekink

Good job on stepping up and owning that. Trust is earned and if one feels it's been violated it takes even more to earn it back.

Meraviglioso

I'm glad to read your update that things are getting better in this regard. This touched a nerve with me as I am dealing with the same issue and it saddens me but like you know that it is all my own doing. The only thing we can do is stay sober and hopefully, with time, the trust will come back. Keep going and keep posting, I love your insight and wisdom, you are an inspiration to follow.

lessgravity

More than 6 months since this post and so much has changed. Self-trust, self respect, confidence etc have all been building since I wrote this post. And to the point of the post itself, my wife not only trusts me, but she very clearly has come to rely on me. It's still early, I still have much hard work to do and to stay focused on. But it's a dramatic and positive change in what is really a short period of time for me and my life

Thankful every day for my life, my new chances and my sobriety.
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