finally getting to the grieving
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finally getting to the grieving
Good morning,
AH text me last night to tell me that he had met a “good woman.” This text was not a surprise to me after all the time he spent at the bar this past weekend, and of course the night at the motel.
I have been slowly letting go of this marriage for the past two years… but maintaining it to a degree, I suppose so I wouldn’t have to feel the pain of grieving the life that I thought we were going to have together, like someone pointed out to me in my thread yesterday.
In the last few months especially, I felt as though I really had begun to let it go. No more “horizontal tango” because I just didn’t feel right about it anymore, and I mostly felt like I was doing it because he wanted to. So I stopped that. And other physical affection was getting to be fewer and farther between too. I had stopped telling him I love him, because I really just don’t anymore… stopped calling him by the pet names I used to use for him. But he was still trying to be with me. Still calling or coming by when he was sober, still talking about our future. And maybe in the back of my mind I still thought that maybe someday, if he was able to maintain sobriety, we could be together again.
But I knew this was coming. I kept telling him I wanted him to move on. He has never been single for any length of time in his adult life, and does not want to be, so this was inevitable.
So now he has (Granted, it’s only been since Saturday, not exactly a serious relationship yet, but I know he’s spent most of the time since then with her… and I know how quickly he moves into relationships).
And now that the tables have turned, well I’m just really hurting and not feeling strong at all, and I guess I’m finally going to have to do my grieving. I thought I had detached enough already that it wouldn’t hurt this bad, but it does. I can’t stop crying today. I cried in front of my kids last night and I feel bad about that.
I’m going to keep reading on here… and reading my lists of all the ****** and abusive things he did to me to keep reminding myself of how bad it was and would be again. I’m going to go to Al-anon tomorrow and hopefully stay for at least the first part of the meeting, since I’ll have the kids with me. And I have a therapy appointment scheduled next week. I’m not going to call him or text him, except if it’s about the kids. That will be hard for me....
I don’t have time to do much else for myself. I work full time and then I have the kids. I pick them up at school and drop them off at day care during my lunch so I don’t even have that time.
I just want to stop feeling like this. How long will this last, this short term pain for long term gain?
I’m sorry if I sound whiney…. I know I’ll get through it, but dam, this hurts. The only other times I felt this kind of pain was when he cheated on me. But those times the pain was temporary. I stayed with him after the cheating probably (partly) for this same reason – because I didn’t want to grieve the relationship and it felt better and was easier to just keep going.
This time, despite how things end up with his new “good woman”, I know it’s the end. There will be no more honeymoon periods to make me feel better again. I have to feel better again on my own, and that feels overwhelming right now.
AH text me last night to tell me that he had met a “good woman.” This text was not a surprise to me after all the time he spent at the bar this past weekend, and of course the night at the motel.
I have been slowly letting go of this marriage for the past two years… but maintaining it to a degree, I suppose so I wouldn’t have to feel the pain of grieving the life that I thought we were going to have together, like someone pointed out to me in my thread yesterday.
In the last few months especially, I felt as though I really had begun to let it go. No more “horizontal tango” because I just didn’t feel right about it anymore, and I mostly felt like I was doing it because he wanted to. So I stopped that. And other physical affection was getting to be fewer and farther between too. I had stopped telling him I love him, because I really just don’t anymore… stopped calling him by the pet names I used to use for him. But he was still trying to be with me. Still calling or coming by when he was sober, still talking about our future. And maybe in the back of my mind I still thought that maybe someday, if he was able to maintain sobriety, we could be together again.
But I knew this was coming. I kept telling him I wanted him to move on. He has never been single for any length of time in his adult life, and does not want to be, so this was inevitable.
So now he has (Granted, it’s only been since Saturday, not exactly a serious relationship yet, but I know he’s spent most of the time since then with her… and I know how quickly he moves into relationships).
And now that the tables have turned, well I’m just really hurting and not feeling strong at all, and I guess I’m finally going to have to do my grieving. I thought I had detached enough already that it wouldn’t hurt this bad, but it does. I can’t stop crying today. I cried in front of my kids last night and I feel bad about that.
I’m going to keep reading on here… and reading my lists of all the ****** and abusive things he did to me to keep reminding myself of how bad it was and would be again. I’m going to go to Al-anon tomorrow and hopefully stay for at least the first part of the meeting, since I’ll have the kids with me. And I have a therapy appointment scheduled next week. I’m not going to call him or text him, except if it’s about the kids. That will be hard for me....
I don’t have time to do much else for myself. I work full time and then I have the kids. I pick them up at school and drop them off at day care during my lunch so I don’t even have that time.
I just want to stop feeling like this. How long will this last, this short term pain for long term gain?
I’m sorry if I sound whiney…. I know I’ll get through it, but dam, this hurts. The only other times I felt this kind of pain was when he cheated on me. But those times the pain was temporary. I stayed with him after the cheating probably (partly) for this same reason – because I didn’t want to grieve the relationship and it felt better and was easier to just keep going.
This time, despite how things end up with his new “good woman”, I know it’s the end. There will be no more honeymoon periods to make me feel better again. I have to feel better again on my own, and that feels overwhelming right now.
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Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad 
Hi Kboys,
Sorry it has come to this, but it's possibly for the best. Now you can 'officially' move on the the glorious life you deserve.
Many ((((((HUGS))))))
COD
Sorry it has come to this, but it's possibly for the best. Now you can 'officially' move on the the glorious life you deserve.
Many ((((((HUGS))))))
COD
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Kboys it sounds like you have a solid plan there, good for you for getting the help you deserve.
Reviewing your lists is a great idea.
Yes it is going to hurt. Despite his poor behavior there was a time when he wasn't a complete - - I take it and I'm sure it's hard to let go of that.
I think the one positive is that you have already started to detach yourself a bit, so hopefully the grieving will be shortened.
By the way, it's ok to be angry too.
Reviewing your lists is a great idea.
Yes it is going to hurt. Despite his poor behavior there was a time when he wasn't a complete - - I take it and I'm sure it's hard to let go of that.
I think the one positive is that you have already started to detach yourself a bit, so hopefully the grieving will be shortened.
By the way, it's ok to be angry too.
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Kboys....to respond to your question---"How long will it last?"......I think It varies from person to person and the situation, of course...but, I can let you know how it went for me.....
(I have, also, been around and observed a lot of people who grieved loss, due to my profession)...
I think the first part is the very worse stage...my own term for it is the "active bleeding stage".....when the emotions feel the most overwhelming...almost as if it could swallow you up. There can be a swirl of different emotions...but the sadness and aloneness and feelings of abandonment seem to be very predominant, at first....hard to control and triggered by just about everything....lots of crying....I actually raised the water table by shedding so many tears....It is hard to concentrate on anything...with great effort to carry o ut the most basic functions.
I let a lot of my houseplants die...because watering just didn't seem that important, anymore--and, was just too much effort....
This first stage lasts about six weeks, in general.
The next stages seem to come in longer "plateaus" .....less dramatic than the last one....lasting about 3 months, each....until the 1st. year anniversary date.
for most, it seems that the anniversary date marks an important transition---where the present flips to "past history"....HOWEVER the anniversary seems to cause a short, sharp spike of the active bleed feelings, again. About 24 to 72 hours, depending on the person.
As you are in the first stage, right now, I think....The second plateau is a little calmer....one can get through the activities of daily living, a lot better...(no breaking down in tears at the Starbuck's counter)....and, the crying and compulsive ruminating thoughts are confined to certain, more private periods of time....(more circumscribed).....Still a mixture of many emotions....and many different kinds of thoughts about the relationship/person.....lots of rumination and mental examination of every single molecule of the past relationship....Some of the thoughts can be very negative...like anger, and resentments..and jelousy and fantasies of some kind of revenge or "divine justice".....
By the 6 month "plateau"....the clouds have begun to clear, some...one can begin to see and feel the seeds of a future life begin to sprout....maybe, plans to start focusing on the self (rather than just him and the relationship)....like, maybe visualizing the future without the lost person, or dream. Maybe, deciding to get some therapy or planning a move, or deciding to lose weight and change hair style....
The second half of the year seems to get easier and more forward looking by increments....as one is investing in living in the present rather than sifting through the past.....
I think it is important to remember that, even though one is moving in a forward line....there can be short slide backs, at any time...some days are going to be worse than others....that is just the way life is...
Kboys...none of what I am describing is likely to make you feel any better, right now....but, I think that if you know, somewhere in the back of your mind, that it is not going to stay this way and that there will come a day when you will laugh out loud, again, and just feel simple joy in living....it can keep you going....
(I have, also, been around and observed a lot of people who grieved loss, due to my profession)...
I think the first part is the very worse stage...my own term for it is the "active bleeding stage".....when the emotions feel the most overwhelming...almost as if it could swallow you up. There can be a swirl of different emotions...but the sadness and aloneness and feelings of abandonment seem to be very predominant, at first....hard to control and triggered by just about everything....lots of crying....I actually raised the water table by shedding so many tears....It is hard to concentrate on anything...with great effort to carry o ut the most basic functions.
I let a lot of my houseplants die...because watering just didn't seem that important, anymore--and, was just too much effort....
This first stage lasts about six weeks, in general.
The next stages seem to come in longer "plateaus" .....less dramatic than the last one....lasting about 3 months, each....until the 1st. year anniversary date.
for most, it seems that the anniversary date marks an important transition---where the present flips to "past history"....HOWEVER the anniversary seems to cause a short, sharp spike of the active bleed feelings, again. About 24 to 72 hours, depending on the person.
As you are in the first stage, right now, I think....The second plateau is a little calmer....one can get through the activities of daily living, a lot better...(no breaking down in tears at the Starbuck's counter)....and, the crying and compulsive ruminating thoughts are confined to certain, more private periods of time....(more circumscribed).....Still a mixture of many emotions....and many different kinds of thoughts about the relationship/person.....lots of rumination and mental examination of every single molecule of the past relationship....Some of the thoughts can be very negative...like anger, and resentments..and jelousy and fantasies of some kind of revenge or "divine justice".....
By the 6 month "plateau"....the clouds have begun to clear, some...one can begin to see and feel the seeds of a future life begin to sprout....maybe, plans to start focusing on the self (rather than just him and the relationship)....like, maybe visualizing the future without the lost person, or dream. Maybe, deciding to get some therapy or planning a move, or deciding to lose weight and change hair style....
The second half of the year seems to get easier and more forward looking by increments....as one is investing in living in the present rather than sifting through the past.....
I think it is important to remember that, even though one is moving in a forward line....there can be short slide backs, at any time...some days are going to be worse than others....that is just the way life is...
Kboys...none of what I am describing is likely to make you feel any better, right now....but, I think that if you know, somewhere in the back of your mind, that it is not going to stay this way and that there will come a day when you will laugh out loud, again, and just feel simple joy in living....it can keep you going....
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Kboys it sounds like you have a solid plan there, good for you for getting the help you deserve.
Reviewing your lists is a great idea.
Yes it is going to hurt. Despite his poor behavior there was a time when he wasn't a complete - - I take it and I'm sure it's hard to let go of that.
I think the one positive is that you have already started to detach yourself a bit, so hopefully the grieving will be shortened.
By the way, it's ok to be angry too.
Reviewing your lists is a great idea.
Yes it is going to hurt. Despite his poor behavior there was a time when he wasn't a complete - - I take it and I'm sure it's hard to let go of that.
I think the one positive is that you have already started to detach yourself a bit, so hopefully the grieving will be shortened.
By the way, it's ok to be angry too.
I hope he gets arrested again too.
I don't like that I feel that way....
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you could see this as the Universe doing for you what you could not quite do for yourself......a little nudge to get you moving on your path.
if you fully assess things, you'll see he really isn't worth hanging onto.....not with his history of abuse and addiction and his current ongoing lifestyle choices and still untreated addiction. it's time to purge - quit hanging on just to have something to hang on to. it's like following a tidying or mimimizing method......gotta get rid of the old stuff that truly serves NO useful purpose, especially when stuffed in the back of some drawer.
by getting rid of that old smelly musty moth eaten t-shirt that you haven't worn since Jr High, the newer things you have can be more properly stored and worn and given the respect they deserve!!!
if you fully assess things, you'll see he really isn't worth hanging onto.....not with his history of abuse and addiction and his current ongoing lifestyle choices and still untreated addiction. it's time to purge - quit hanging on just to have something to hang on to. it's like following a tidying or mimimizing method......gotta get rid of the old stuff that truly serves NO useful purpose, especially when stuffed in the back of some drawer.
by getting rid of that old smelly musty moth eaten t-shirt that you haven't worn since Jr High, the newer things you have can be more properly stored and worn and given the respect they deserve!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Anvil makes a good point, I think.....when we can't let go...it is actually more merciful, in the long run, if they are the one who exits.
In my breakup.... as much pain as I was in...it was a good thing that he was the one to do it...because I absolutely know that it saved me a lot of agony by leaving me no other choice but to face it.....
Later, I was grateful that he ended it in such a final way.
In my breakup.... as much pain as I was in...it was a good thing that he was the one to do it...because I absolutely know that it saved me a lot of agony by leaving me no other choice but to face it.....
Later, I was grateful that he ended it in such a final way.
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Yes, I agree I needed this nudge from the Universe, or I probably never would have pulled the final plug myself even though I've known for a long time it wasn't worth hanging onto.
I knew eventually that he would, especially lately, as I've become less and less affectionate, and in a way I think I even hoped for it to happen, because I knew I wouldn't be able to fully let him go on my own...
I just didn't think it would hurt this bad at this point.
I knew eventually that he would, especially lately, as I've become less and less affectionate, and in a way I think I even hoped for it to happen, because I knew I wouldn't be able to fully let him go on my own...
I just didn't think it would hurt this bad at this point.
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I think it always hurts, no matter how ready you are to be done with the ex. Finding out that they've found someone new makes the whole thing more real, somehow. I think your grieving and pain is completely normal, given what you have experienced.
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As one who also had that "nudge from the Universe," I feel for you.
The only way out of it is through it, and it will take as long as it takes.
Al-Anon, therapy, self-help books, podcasts - all of these are good resources for healing.
Gentle hugs to you.
The only way out of it is through it, and it will take as long as it takes.
Al-Anon, therapy, self-help books, podcasts - all of these are good resources for healing.
Gentle hugs to you.
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Originally Posted by Kboys
I've definitely feel resentful... I feel bad for feeling this way, but right now I'm hoping he just continues to drink, continues to not work because of it, and that the "good woman" will be smarter than I was and will see through his lies and dump him... Of course he does have a knack for choosing the kind and codependent women, so I'm not counting on that happening soon.
I hope he gets arrested again too.
I don't like that I feel that way....
I hope he gets arrested again too.
I don't like that I feel that way....
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Originally Posted by Sailorgirl57
I know. It crosses my mind to send his supervisor a note saying, “are you aware that Captain X is drinking while on ship on duty?” Or to call the police and say, “white pickup at XYZ bar is really drunk. He will get in his car and drive soon. You should arrest him.” For some reason I like to imagine doing these things. I hope I can get over my resentment in time. I don’t want to be the kind of person who does these things.
I don't want to be that person either.
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He came over last night. He was sober, or at least if he had been drinking, it was minimal, because I couldn't tell.
He did DS' reading with him, and stayed while they took baths, then he left. Going to go hang out with the new woman. Said he would be back tonight.
I don't know why, but after that, I was feeling better. I felt pretty good this morning, and I haven't cried at all yet today.
But then he just called and told me he would not be coming over. "She wants to take me to the hot springs." I told him we needed to come up with some kind of schedule that he could stick to...
He was sober sounding. He worked a half day. He told me he's been sober for two days now (woo-hoo) and that he is going to continue to stay sober.... While I do know there is no way he is going to stay sober for long, I still, in the back of my mind, think, but what if he does? And what if he's able to build the relationship with someone new that I wanted him to build with me... free of alcohol and abuse? What if he's good to her, when he couldn't be consistently good to me?
Logically, I know these things are not likely to happen, at least not long-term, and that if they do, that I should be happy for him, and for my children to have a sober father.... but I don't feel that way. Maybe I feel like I need the validation... Like, see, it wasn't me. It wasn't my fault. If his relationship with someone else succeeded.... what would that say about me?
I know I didn't cause it... it wasn't me... but I can't help feeling this way right now.
So now I'm crying again, and feeling crappy again. But that's okay, I'm going with it.
So I know that no new contacts = no new hurts, but I'm not sure how to do that when he have to have contact for the kids. I guess I just need to limit my conversation with him when he comes over... Maybe retreat to my room or let him take them out.
He did DS' reading with him, and stayed while they took baths, then he left. Going to go hang out with the new woman. Said he would be back tonight.
I don't know why, but after that, I was feeling better. I felt pretty good this morning, and I haven't cried at all yet today.
But then he just called and told me he would not be coming over. "She wants to take me to the hot springs." I told him we needed to come up with some kind of schedule that he could stick to...
He was sober sounding. He worked a half day. He told me he's been sober for two days now (woo-hoo) and that he is going to continue to stay sober.... While I do know there is no way he is going to stay sober for long, I still, in the back of my mind, think, but what if he does? And what if he's able to build the relationship with someone new that I wanted him to build with me... free of alcohol and abuse? What if he's good to her, when he couldn't be consistently good to me?
Logically, I know these things are not likely to happen, at least not long-term, and that if they do, that I should be happy for him, and for my children to have a sober father.... but I don't feel that way. Maybe I feel like I need the validation... Like, see, it wasn't me. It wasn't my fault. If his relationship with someone else succeeded.... what would that say about me?
I know I didn't cause it... it wasn't me... but I can't help feeling this way right now.
So now I'm crying again, and feeling crappy again. But that's okay, I'm going with it.
So I know that no new contacts = no new hurts, but I'm not sure how to do that when he have to have contact for the kids. I guess I just need to limit my conversation with him when he comes over... Maybe retreat to my room or let him take them out.
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i strongly suggest you stop getting updates from HIM about his love life. just shut that stuff down. HE should not be talking to YOU about another woman and YOU should not be hearing it!!!!
yes a schedule is a great idea. every day? every other day? days with T in them or U? what time? for how long? in your home? elsewhere?
figure out what works best for YOU first and foremost. notice how quickly he skipped a chance to see the kids when he get a "better offer" - they are treated as a thing one days WHEN it's CONVENIENT. so don't try to appease his whims. Tues, Thurs, Sat, 6-7:30pm. must give X number of hours notice if unable to make it. must negotiate schedule changes X number of days in advance. (excluding acts of God or broken axles). skipping a day doesn't mean you get to double up, it just means that you missed that day.
yes a schedule is a great idea. every day? every other day? days with T in them or U? what time? for how long? in your home? elsewhere?
figure out what works best for YOU first and foremost. notice how quickly he skipped a chance to see the kids when he get a "better offer" - they are treated as a thing one days WHEN it's CONVENIENT. so don't try to appease his whims. Tues, Thurs, Sat, 6-7:30pm. must give X number of hours notice if unable to make it. must negotiate schedule changes X number of days in advance. (excluding acts of God or broken axles). skipping a day doesn't mean you get to double up, it just means that you missed that day.
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Originally Posted by Kboys
If his relationship with someone else succeeded.... what would that say about me?
I said, it's pretty easy to be anxiety free and non-stressed when the only person you are looking out for is yourself.
Your ex has a new woman who barely knows him and he barely knows her, everyone is on their best behavior. He is supposed to be coming over later to see the kids but gets an offer to go to the hot springs so takes that.
That's low stress at it's finest I would say.
I agree totally with Anvil that you need a schedule in place as soon as possible and he shouldn't be discussing his personal life with you.
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