Cancer
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Cancer
Hi, has anyone dealt with a loved one with cancer. My friend refuses more treatment , it's her choice but it's end game.
What did you do to cope ? Do you have some positive advice please .
What did you do to cope ? Do you have some positive advice please .
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
That's a tough one Snoozy, sorry to hear about your friend. I've lost several friends due to it over the years, a very close one a few years ago.
I'm not sure there's any magic solution to cope with the pain as it's a very real/painful part of life. Drawing on your faith if you follow a particular one is always a good coping mechanism, and the community surrounding it. Your friend herself could be a source of inspiration- she is certainly coping with the disease very up-close and personal, and she's made some very hard decisions herself.
I'm not sure there's any magic solution to cope with the pain as it's a very real/painful part of life. Drawing on your faith if you follow a particular one is always a good coping mechanism, and the community surrounding it. Your friend herself could be a source of inspiration- she is certainly coping with the disease very up-close and personal, and she's made some very hard decisions herself.
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, Snoozy.
I am really sorry about your friend.
My mother died of cancer.
Unfortunately, I can't provide any positive answer.
Whatever decision your friend makes, please, don't blame yourself.
You can provide your friend with information about treatment and options, but it's for her to decide.
Hugs.
I am really sorry about your friend.
My mother died of cancer.
Unfortunately, I can't provide any positive answer.
Whatever decision your friend makes, please, don't blame yourself.
You can provide your friend with information about treatment and options, but it's for her to decide.
Hugs.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,186
I'm so sorry for your friend who has the cancer and for you who may lose her to it. I have no experience to relate but has she said why it is that she is refusing treatment? It seems to have become more frequent in the last few years perhaps most famously with Steve Jobs.
It may be that she is really fearful of the treatment (who wouldn't be) but perhaps once she realises how much you and maybe others care she might reconsider.
All the best to both of you.
It may be that she is really fearful of the treatment (who wouldn't be) but perhaps once she realises how much you and maybe others care she might reconsider.
All the best to both of you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
KSo, so sorry for what you, and your fiend of course, are going through.
The Macmillan Trust are one of my favourite charities and support people in your friends position in the UK. I've always been so impressed with the courageous compassion that they show and the comfort they've brought to people dear to me. Perhaps the tips on their page might be useful?
https://www.macmillan.org.uk/informa...one-has-cancer
Mostly just didnt want to read and run.
BB
The Macmillan Trust are one of my favourite charities and support people in your friends position in the UK. I've always been so impressed with the courageous compassion that they show and the comfort they've brought to people dear to me. Perhaps the tips on their page might be useful?
https://www.macmillan.org.uk/informa...one-has-cancer
Mostly just didnt want to read and run.
BB
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,064
My first wife of twenty years died of cancer. She was diagnosed and had surgery, and then entered chemotherapy with a good chance of living five more years. But the first treatment made her very ill and the second sent her to the hospital for a month. She decided not to continue the chemotherapy, and lived two more years--for one of those years, she was in good enough health that we did some traveling.
Please try to support your friend in her decision. With hospice care, she should have some quality time left.
Please try to support your friend in her decision. With hospice care, she should have some quality time left.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
Yes, my partner is dealing with brain tumor (brain cancer). Diagnosed a year ago, surgery was in late May. Both chemo and radiation. Dr's gave a pretty wide prognosis based on other past cancers they treated. They have to stay mid-road on outcomes, most say "everyone is different". That phrase alone can be very frustrating for patient and family.
At first my partner had a bad attitude about his condition, no amount of pleading with him to watch his diet, get rest, don't attempt too much (activities, getting back to normal, etc). He refused to moderate his drinking but eventually backed off due to interactions with his drugs. I was afraid he would pass out and fall hitting his head.
It's tough dealing with cancer but as a caregiver I think you have to let the patient decide. It's not your fight it's theirs. You just have to accept their will to make decisions even when you think they are wrong or unhealthy. It's very hard to keep positive, my partner didn't want to hear "flowery positive thinking" type phrases. At several points during his treatment I had to say "I can't support you if you are going to be so destructive" *(due to his continued heavy drinking). I think that woke him up to the facts, he started listening to a better plan for nutrition and self care.
I still fight him on his anorexia (he wants to continue to lose weight) and drinking.
He is finished with chemo at one year, has a clean MRI, will be monitored the rest of his life. All this in spite of being obstinate.
My best advice is just be a nonjudgmental listening ear, remind yourself "everyone is different" and give input when asked. If your friend is fighting cancer through A or D issues, well, that makes it harder.... good luck, don't give up on them but understand it's their fight and you can't cure them, just love them.
At first my partner had a bad attitude about his condition, no amount of pleading with him to watch his diet, get rest, don't attempt too much (activities, getting back to normal, etc). He refused to moderate his drinking but eventually backed off due to interactions with his drugs. I was afraid he would pass out and fall hitting his head.
It's tough dealing with cancer but as a caregiver I think you have to let the patient decide. It's not your fight it's theirs. You just have to accept their will to make decisions even when you think they are wrong or unhealthy. It's very hard to keep positive, my partner didn't want to hear "flowery positive thinking" type phrases. At several points during his treatment I had to say "I can't support you if you are going to be so destructive" *(due to his continued heavy drinking). I think that woke him up to the facts, he started listening to a better plan for nutrition and self care.
I still fight him on his anorexia (he wants to continue to lose weight) and drinking.
He is finished with chemo at one year, has a clean MRI, will be monitored the rest of his life. All this in spite of being obstinate.
My best advice is just be a nonjudgmental listening ear, remind yourself "everyone is different" and give input when asked. If your friend is fighting cancer through A or D issues, well, that makes it harder.... good luck, don't give up on them but understand it's their fight and you can't cure them, just love them.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
I am so sorry Snoozy 
I cannot really relate in that sense. I lost my best friend 3 years ago last friday, she was sick, she was young but it was very sudden and unexpected. The 48 hours of her quick decline felt like an eternity to me though.
But grief is grief. I can't imagine all you are going through.
I would agree- try to be as supportive and kind and understanding as possible.
But you need your own support. I think (and I am no doctor and like I said I don't have prolonged experience) that you will have to deal with the pain and the grief with someone who can help guide you through it in a way to keep you as healthy as possible. The anger, the denial, the bargaining. That's ours to deal with.
But having as much support as you can to get through the process, to accept your feelings, be supportive, and not be in denial of them if she wants to talk about YOU too.
Many of us want to help support others to take some of the burden of their own struggles off themselves, is what I have seen. So let her do that too, don't dismiss her desire to support you too if she wants to.
I know my friend knew she was sicker than she'd tell me, and I knew it too, but I like to think I gave her what she needed, and she always, always looked out for me too. It didn't take away from all the pain I have felt.
But it does bring me some comfort. She always knew how much I loved her and how much I cared.
I cannot really relate in that sense. I lost my best friend 3 years ago last friday, she was sick, she was young but it was very sudden and unexpected. The 48 hours of her quick decline felt like an eternity to me though.
But grief is grief. I can't imagine all you are going through.
I would agree- try to be as supportive and kind and understanding as possible.
But you need your own support. I think (and I am no doctor and like I said I don't have prolonged experience) that you will have to deal with the pain and the grief with someone who can help guide you through it in a way to keep you as healthy as possible. The anger, the denial, the bargaining. That's ours to deal with.
But having as much support as you can to get through the process, to accept your feelings, be supportive, and not be in denial of them if she wants to talk about YOU too.
Many of us want to help support others to take some of the burden of their own struggles off themselves, is what I have seen. So let her do that too, don't dismiss her desire to support you too if she wants to.
I know my friend knew she was sicker than she'd tell me, and I knew it too, but I like to think I gave her what she needed, and she always, always looked out for me too. It didn't take away from all the pain I have felt.
But it does bring me some comfort. She always knew how much I loved her and how much I cared.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
My husband died of cancer and I've had it twice.
Cancer 'treatment' (if you can call chemo that) is brutal. It can be life saving if the cancer is at an early stage. Or it can slow an already painful and brutal demise. I wish my late husband had stopped treatment sooner. And when he did finally stop, that decision wasn't made in a vacuum. The medical team advised it. And I of course supported whatever his decision was. Then it became about comfort care...which is sooo important.
As far as coping. Acceptance. As hard as it is we all die. Sometimes its too soon or in a horrid way. Faith that she will be at peace.
I found being of service to my husband was coping. But how I did that was up to him. Maybe ask your friend how you can be of service.
Cancer 'treatment' (if you can call chemo that) is brutal. It can be life saving if the cancer is at an early stage. Or it can slow an already painful and brutal demise. I wish my late husband had stopped treatment sooner. And when he did finally stop, that decision wasn't made in a vacuum. The medical team advised it. And I of course supported whatever his decision was. Then it became about comfort care...which is sooo important.
As far as coping. Acceptance. As hard as it is we all die. Sometimes its too soon or in a horrid way. Faith that she will be at peace.
I found being of service to my husband was coping. But how I did that was up to him. Maybe ask your friend how you can be of service.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi Snooz
you might remember I lost a friend to cancer a few years back.
I had to keep in mind that my pain paled in comparison to the pain he was in, physical and emotional.
I consider it a privilege to have been there for him.
There's some great advice here already so I ll just re-iterate what I said in another thread - don't lose yourself in despair.
Don;t leap too far ahead either - noone has a crystal ball - right now today your friend needs her friends , y'know?
don't forget there's support available for you too.
There's no requirement for you to be Wonder Woman - lean on your mates
D
you might remember I lost a friend to cancer a few years back.
I had to keep in mind that my pain paled in comparison to the pain he was in, physical and emotional.
I consider it a privilege to have been there for him.
There's some great advice here already so I ll just re-iterate what I said in another thread - don't lose yourself in despair.
Don;t leap too far ahead either - noone has a crystal ball - right now today your friend needs her friends , y'know?
don't forget there's support available for you too.
There's no requirement for you to be Wonder Woman - lean on your mates
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
I'm so sorry about your friend's cancer Snoozy. My friend and golfing buddy has cancer. She's a retired RN and has chosen to not have treatment. The rationale she uses is that as an RN, she knows what her prognosis is and the side effects of any treatment she would receive. Additionally, she is 85 years old and doesn't want to suffer through treatment at that age.
I lost my mother to cancer at 66. She also chose to discontinue treatment because the side effects of treatment were too much for her. The treatment was perhaps extending her life some, but not cure the cancer.
I also lost my father to cancer at 83. He suspected he had cancer, but wouldn't seek treatment. By the time we got him to the doctor, it was advanced and he died about 10 days later.
We are here for you Snoozy. As you can see, there are many of us who have had experience with a loved one's cancer. Lean on us too. ((HUGS))
I lost my mother to cancer at 66. She also chose to discontinue treatment because the side effects of treatment were too much for her. The treatment was perhaps extending her life some, but not cure the cancer.
I also lost my father to cancer at 83. He suspected he had cancer, but wouldn't seek treatment. By the time we got him to the doctor, it was advanced and he died about 10 days later.
We are here for you Snoozy. As you can see, there are many of us who have had experience with a loved one's cancer. Lean on us too. ((HUGS))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I've dealt with losses from cancer from my college years until recently. I have come to believe that it is best to respect ones wishes, whatever they may be. As Dee mentioned, their suffering is far greater than ours. Great question and post.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: ireland
Posts: 138
Hi SnoozyQ,
I am so sorry to hear news like this, what I can say is that I have dealt with a family member who had cancer, I knew treatment was futile but pain management was important and lessening symptoms before death was my number one goal for my family member.I would say respect the person,s decision regarding treatment, but guide them about what this treatment can do for them in palliative care about both the pros and cons.After I consulted with enough specialist about my family member's palliative treatment I disregarded the advice of the radiologist Dr and went with the advice of the Palliative care Dr,s regarding radiation therapy to lessen symptoms before death. The radiation seemed to accelerate death. All you can do is support the person to face this illness and let them know they are not alone, show them love and do not deny them any luxury that may take there mind off the illness."Death comes to us all, all we can do is smile back" and If we have faith we can be sure we have a guardian angel for life.
I am so sorry to hear news like this, what I can say is that I have dealt with a family member who had cancer, I knew treatment was futile but pain management was important and lessening symptoms before death was my number one goal for my family member.I would say respect the person,s decision regarding treatment, but guide them about what this treatment can do for them in palliative care about both the pros and cons.After I consulted with enough specialist about my family member's palliative treatment I disregarded the advice of the radiologist Dr and went with the advice of the Palliative care Dr,s regarding radiation therapy to lessen symptoms before death. The radiation seemed to accelerate death. All you can do is support the person to face this illness and let them know they are not alone, show them love and do not deny them any luxury that may take there mind off the illness."Death comes to us all, all we can do is smile back" and If we have faith we can be sure we have a guardian angel for life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Hi Sniozy,
First, I am very sorry to hear about your friend. It is very difficult to watch someone we love suffer.
I watched my SIL die from ovarian cancer ten years ago, she was only 46, and it was hard, but I found it comforting to be there to listen, support, and still find times for laughter. Currently I have a friend who is losing s loved one to cancer, and is spending as much time with that person as possible.
I truly believe that your role is that of service, support your friend in their decision , be there to listen, to help. If hospice is involved, they are s great organization, and also can offer you some resources.
Sending lots of love your way Snoozy.
First, I am very sorry to hear about your friend. It is very difficult to watch someone we love suffer.
I watched my SIL die from ovarian cancer ten years ago, she was only 46, and it was hard, but I found it comforting to be there to listen, support, and still find times for laughter. Currently I have a friend who is losing s loved one to cancer, and is spending as much time with that person as possible.
I truly believe that your role is that of service, support your friend in their decision , be there to listen, to help. If hospice is involved, they are s great organization, and also can offer you some resources.
Sending lots of love your way Snoozy.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I lost my sponsor, my wife, and my best friend to cancer, in that order.
I suffered terrible grief from the loss of my wife and the way through that was a grief counsellor who showed me that what I was feeling was completely normal.
That is the general picture, in each case I reacted sanely and normally, just as a non alcoholic would. I did the things that needed to be done, looked after the people that needed to be looked after, and never gave a thought to drinking.
This was of course one of the many AA promises, that I would be able to handle the low spots if I was in fit spiritual condition. And I was.
I was amazed, or shocked, that a friend of mine with long sobriety drank immediately they got the same kind of news about their partner. We compared notes later.
Why did they react so differently? Here it is, they were doing way more meetings than me, had taken at least some of the steps, but had never sponsored anyone. I, on the other hand, had been sponsoring a couple of guys right through, and attending my weekly home group meeting.
This was all figured out in hind sight. The important thing to realize as that the external circumstance did not cause us to drink. If it could, then no one would ever stay sober. The key thing was that one of us had neglected a heavily emphasised part of the program. That meant they never really found the AA solution, but instead had a kind of surrogate that worked fine as long as everything else was going well. But when the bad thing happened, not having found the new solution, they returned to the old.
Happy to say my friend survived the relapse and has now found the solution.
I suffered terrible grief from the loss of my wife and the way through that was a grief counsellor who showed me that what I was feeling was completely normal.
That is the general picture, in each case I reacted sanely and normally, just as a non alcoholic would. I did the things that needed to be done, looked after the people that needed to be looked after, and never gave a thought to drinking.
This was of course one of the many AA promises, that I would be able to handle the low spots if I was in fit spiritual condition. And I was.
I was amazed, or shocked, that a friend of mine with long sobriety drank immediately they got the same kind of news about their partner. We compared notes later.
Why did they react so differently? Here it is, they were doing way more meetings than me, had taken at least some of the steps, but had never sponsored anyone. I, on the other hand, had been sponsoring a couple of guys right through, and attending my weekly home group meeting.
This was all figured out in hind sight. The important thing to realize as that the external circumstance did not cause us to drink. If it could, then no one would ever stay sober. The key thing was that one of us had neglected a heavily emphasised part of the program. That meant they never really found the AA solution, but instead had a kind of surrogate that worked fine as long as everything else was going well. But when the bad thing happened, not having found the new solution, they returned to the old.
Happy to say my friend survived the relapse and has now found the solution.
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