Supporting my husbands recovery
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 2
Supporting my husbands recovery
I am married to a funny, handsome, intelligent, shy but understated man for the last 19 years. We have two beautiful children aged 14 and 12.
He has been committed to a life of sobriety for the last 9 months. Prior to that he was trying to be sober but rather unsuccessfully. He has always been a big drinker and from the early days he had a history of occasional binge drinking. This escalated these last 2 years resulting in his personality, his response to alcohol, and his ability to control it deteriorating.
He ended up with a numb arm in March which led to a 3 month recovery to get the nerves rejuvenated, two bouts of falling and tripping badly one requiring stitches, and a few incidents where he would become paralytically drunk on seemingly low amounts of alcohol.
I involved his family and he slowly came to the realisation he needed help. He has previously sought it and had a years dose on compral. This was about 5 years ago. He is currently on naltrexone. He is seeing a psychiatrist and a cbt person periodically. He is a v shy person and did not want to join any group therapy.
I suppose one thing to say is his recovery has been going well these past 3-4 months with small bouts every 4-6 weeks. He seems to be able to control the situation to binging st Home and just going up to bed to fall asleep. His largest weakness is when I am not around which makes business travel difficult. I am currently travelling and I can hear that he has been drinking clandestinely tonight. The kids know and they sort of send me signals by phone of dad acting weird. He has learned to control many of his vulnerabilities and the ones left are him on his own, without me, or when the kids are very sad or something bad has happened to them.
I could go on and on. My worry is my children. Although they were not aware when there were isolated incidents every three or 4 months years ago, lately they are v conscious that something isn’t right when he slips. He has told them he no longer drinks and for all intense and purposes when I am home he does not. He has not openly talked to them about himself so the kids have a lot of questions. I am just wary of saying. Too much and risk their fathers dignity and alcoholism be fully closed to them. Right now he is normal 96% of the time.
I suppose I just needed to write this down because it sometimes feels like there is someone inside of him working in the background looking for opportunity to emerge.cMy life has changed this past year. I have separation anxiety symptoms. I realise I am the wife of an alcoholic. I am trying to protect my kids but it isn’t always easy.
I am scared of the times when he will lapse.. I don’t like that person. I am scared of the kids seeing him completely drunk - they have not really seen it. I am scared when that happens that he will harm himself. I speak openly about all this with him but mostly I realise that my instincts of days when it can happen are good and I know that tomorrow is a vulnerable day. He is going out for a drinks reception followed by dinner. I am travelling and he has had a drink today after many weeks of sobriety. So triple vulnerabilities. I know that he is worried too but he sometimes truly believes he can handle it.
And I am worried and nervous. And want him to bail on it all. But he cannot. I feel I am just waiting for the inevitable. And am far away to handle it all.
Thanks for listening.
He has been committed to a life of sobriety for the last 9 months. Prior to that he was trying to be sober but rather unsuccessfully. He has always been a big drinker and from the early days he had a history of occasional binge drinking. This escalated these last 2 years resulting in his personality, his response to alcohol, and his ability to control it deteriorating.
He ended up with a numb arm in March which led to a 3 month recovery to get the nerves rejuvenated, two bouts of falling and tripping badly one requiring stitches, and a few incidents where he would become paralytically drunk on seemingly low amounts of alcohol.
I involved his family and he slowly came to the realisation he needed help. He has previously sought it and had a years dose on compral. This was about 5 years ago. He is currently on naltrexone. He is seeing a psychiatrist and a cbt person periodically. He is a v shy person and did not want to join any group therapy.
I suppose one thing to say is his recovery has been going well these past 3-4 months with small bouts every 4-6 weeks. He seems to be able to control the situation to binging st Home and just going up to bed to fall asleep. His largest weakness is when I am not around which makes business travel difficult. I am currently travelling and I can hear that he has been drinking clandestinely tonight. The kids know and they sort of send me signals by phone of dad acting weird. He has learned to control many of his vulnerabilities and the ones left are him on his own, without me, or when the kids are very sad or something bad has happened to them.
I could go on and on. My worry is my children. Although they were not aware when there were isolated incidents every three or 4 months years ago, lately they are v conscious that something isn’t right when he slips. He has told them he no longer drinks and for all intense and purposes when I am home he does not. He has not openly talked to them about himself so the kids have a lot of questions. I am just wary of saying. Too much and risk their fathers dignity and alcoholism be fully closed to them. Right now he is normal 96% of the time.
I suppose I just needed to write this down because it sometimes feels like there is someone inside of him working in the background looking for opportunity to emerge.cMy life has changed this past year. I have separation anxiety symptoms. I realise I am the wife of an alcoholic. I am trying to protect my kids but it isn’t always easy.
I am scared of the times when he will lapse.. I don’t like that person. I am scared of the kids seeing him completely drunk - they have not really seen it. I am scared when that happens that he will harm himself. I speak openly about all this with him but mostly I realise that my instincts of days when it can happen are good and I know that tomorrow is a vulnerable day. He is going out for a drinks reception followed by dinner. I am travelling and he has had a drink today after many weeks of sobriety. So triple vulnerabilities. I know that he is worried too but he sometimes truly believes he can handle it.
And I am worried and nervous. And want him to bail on it all. But he cannot. I feel I am just waiting for the inevitable. And am far away to handle it all.
Thanks for listening.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Welcome and I'm sorry for your situation.
I hope your husband decides to stop drinking and begin recovery.
You are right to be worried for your children and yourself.
Have you considered AlAnon in your city as a support for you?
You might check out our Friends & Families forum.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
I hope your husband decides to stop drinking and begin recovery.
You are right to be worried for your children and yourself.
Have you considered AlAnon in your city as a support for you?
You might check out our Friends & Families forum.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I suppose one thing to say is his recovery has been going well these past 3-4 months with small bouts every 4-6 weeks.
so he's getting drunk once a month or so.....which i'm pretty sure is NOT 96%!!!
your husband does sound like a problem drinker.....he drinks and for you it's a problem. it's tough when you are on a trip, leaving husband and teen/tweens home and have more faith in the children behaving themselves than the grown up. it's very sad for THEM to see HIM like this. it is making an indelible imprint upon them. he is NOT a safe guardian for them should anything happen. he cannot drive should they need medical attention. he cannot even reason well should a minor incident happen. the kids are pretty much on their own, babysitting papa.
now is the time to think a bit less about HIM (his problem, his drinking, his safety, his his his) and a bit more about your own sanity, cuz being with a drunk will drive everyone nutso one way or another!! about what is the best next steps for YOU and for the children. you must be their advocate, their protector, as he has abdicated that responsibility.
glad you found SR. so sorry for the WHY of it.
so he's getting drunk once a month or so.....which i'm pretty sure is NOT 96%!!!
your husband does sound like a problem drinker.....he drinks and for you it's a problem. it's tough when you are on a trip, leaving husband and teen/tweens home and have more faith in the children behaving themselves than the grown up. it's very sad for THEM to see HIM like this. it is making an indelible imprint upon them. he is NOT a safe guardian for them should anything happen. he cannot drive should they need medical attention. he cannot even reason well should a minor incident happen. the kids are pretty much on their own, babysitting papa.
now is the time to think a bit less about HIM (his problem, his drinking, his safety, his his his) and a bit more about your own sanity, cuz being with a drunk will drive everyone nutso one way or another!! about what is the best next steps for YOU and for the children. you must be their advocate, their protector, as he has abdicated that responsibility.
glad you found SR. so sorry for the WHY of it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 2
Hopeful
Hi thanks for listening and responding.
Yes he still has a problem and it is easy to fall into a lull thinking he is fine. He still has a ways to go. But he has been great when he has been sober.
He drives the kids back and forth from school 30 min each way and manages their after school. He makes dinner and washes dinner dishes. He has put all our finances in order and saved money doing so. When I am not travelling he is the main caretaker for the kids and he wants to be seen as fully responsible. Until 7 months ago he was the main breadwinner. We are both professionals and have worked all our lives, him with a very stressful high powered job.
I completely agree I have to look after myself.
I dont fully trust him. So I do check up on him regularly. He agreed to put findfriends on his phone and that has eased my anxiety.
I have to be kind to him because even though he is sober 96% of the time these last 3 months - 3 or 4 days over the last 90 days, he is still vulnerable.
Either way, we are in a better place.
Thx
Yes he still has a problem and it is easy to fall into a lull thinking he is fine. He still has a ways to go. But he has been great when he has been sober.
He drives the kids back and forth from school 30 min each way and manages their after school. He makes dinner and washes dinner dishes. He has put all our finances in order and saved money doing so. When I am not travelling he is the main caretaker for the kids and he wants to be seen as fully responsible. Until 7 months ago he was the main breadwinner. We are both professionals and have worked all our lives, him with a very stressful high powered job.
I completely agree I have to look after myself.
I dont fully trust him. So I do check up on him regularly. He agreed to put findfriends on his phone and that has eased my anxiety.
I have to be kind to him because even though he is sober 96% of the time these last 3 months - 3 or 4 days over the last 90 days, he is still vulnerable.
Either way, we are in a better place.
Thx
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