Stew1984

I’m a liar. I’ve drink alcohol and the worst thing is that I’ve lied to myself.

All the good people here and in my life, I’m choosing to drink alcohol to numb the false feelings I have over this girl that was a disaster for me and I’m stupidly mourning the loss of a completely broken relationship.

I seriously hope I find some go in me soon, else I know where I’m headed.

I’m really angry with myself, I know what the answer is yet every time I go back to that filth

Why do I see it as a priority to get drunk and mourn the loss of this broken past relationship?

I’m at the stage where I need to DO rather than post anymore lies. I’ve trawled the web, posted galore, read until I can’t read anymore. So what’s left? Sustained action, feeling the pain / living the pain.

If I don’t post, it’s because I’m fighting the fight. I can’t keep being deceitful to you good people

Ex gone. Wish I could burn the memory from my brain

Caramel

Stew - if you stop drinking, and start doing new and nurturing things, you will create new and positive memories.
Let the past go, back where it belongs.
Moving on...
Go placidly.

SparkleKitty

Stew, when you drink, you are doing the exact opposite of mourning the loss. You're just putting it off one more day. Mourning it isn't re-hashing all the details and wondering what the eff went wrong, it's accepting that it is over, with total presence and clarity, and allowing yourself to grieve.

Behappy1

Aw man, sorry to hear this. Can you put the bottle down and come hang out on SR instead??

ScottFromWI

My guess is because you are an alcoholic and you have not accepted it yet. I understand that you know that you need to quit, but until you accept that drinking is not an option you will likely get the same result over and over.

It's the same thing we've all been saying over and over Stewy. You need to back up your words with actions. We cannot do that for you.

Your refusal to accept any of the suggestions you are given here is also likely due to you not accepting your addiction. You think you can just "figure it out". You couldn't before, you cant' now , and you never will be able to. That's not an indictment of you specifically, we all had to do the same thing.

Ball's in your court as it has been for months now man. I hope you decide to pick it up before you lose everything.

Do you realize that it's been a full year now since you went out and picked up? And that you had 600 days sober prior to that? Take a read at this post - dredging up old threads isn't always the best idea - but maybe in this case it is since you won't listen to what others have to say. Perhaps your own words might help shake something loose?

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ng-wobbly.html (Feeling wobbly)

Carlotta

Stewy, since you have expressed some interest in AVRT, I have rewritten your post from that perspective. If you are serious about getting sober using RR, you got to
A)make a big plan
B)Learn to dissociate yourself from your Addictive Voice.
AVRT is not about quacking and tearful regrets and empty vows of abstinence, it’s about making a firm and permanent commitment and it is a dissociative technique

I did not make my big plan and I allowed my AV to manipulate me and once again I felt for its lies.

I drank because my beast LOVES the warm fuzzy feeling of alcohol and my AV think it’s kind of neat I got dumped because IT can use it and my feelings of self-pity to easily talk me into drinking. Once I CHOSE to drink, the beast and I did not give a flying bleep about all the good people in my life.

My beast wants to feel good no matter what is the cost to myself and my loved ones.

Since I have not made a big plan and I don’t know how to dissociate myself from my AV, once again I got suckered into drinking.

How convenient to have the excuse of my break up to justify getting really drunk. It makes my AV’s job even easier

Yaddy yaddy yadda, paying lip service to the prospect of abstinence some day while the beast is ready for another round of drunken pleasure.
If I don’t post, that’s probably because I am too busy getting smashed since I will have once again listened to my addictive voice and fallen for its lies.

Ex is gone Woo-hoo says the beast, now we’ve got a good excuse to really get drunk.

and yep, I know it sounds brutal but that's your post from an AVRT perspective (actually, I wrote it fairly gently, those guys in secular would probably be rougher).

I hope you find your way soon Stewy,

AnvilheadII

stewy, 10 hours ago you posted you were feeling better......what happened? i mean exactly....what happened that once again you said drinking was OK?

you took many "steps" in the course of this day, when did they stop being SOBER steps and start walking towards the beer aisle again? it is crucial, IMHO, that you see exactly where and when and how you go from FINE to yet another drunken episode. no outside force MAKES you do this. your EX is not the problem. at some point you buy in to the idea that drinking is again ok. which means you never truly made the commitment to NOT drinking, NO MATTER WHAT.

tomsteve

Why do I see it as a priority to get drunk and mourn the loss of this broken past relationship?

thats not mourning. theres a jillion articles written on mourning and not one will mention getting drunk as part of the mourning/greiving process. what it is is trying to run from feelings. that isnt mourning/grieving either-even when not drinking.

So what’s left? Sustained action
and not actions you want to do but actions that must be done, even if that involves going to rehab.
I can’t keep being deceitful to you good people
screw us,dude. youre deceitful and lieing to yourself. thats worse and what matters.

Wish I could burn the memory from my brain
no, you dont. your past can be the most valuable posession you have.what you should want is to be comfortable with the memories- to learn the why of it all( because without knowing that, you wont know what needs changing),accept it all, and be ok with it all.

Anna

Stewy, this is so true. You had 600 days!

Hevyn

Stewy, If it was helping, I could almost understand falling back on it - but it's making you more miserable & disgusted with yourself each time. Healing from the breakup won't happen while you're holding yourself down. Please don't doom yourself to this sad & empty existence.

tomsteve

were you drinking when you started this thread?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...haming-av.html (Naming and shaming the AV)

Stew1984

You guys are far too good for someone like me. I don’t deserve the support. Thinking about a long lost ex and pining. How pathetic. She doesn’t give anything about me. I’ve got no self esteem

AnvilheadII

your EX is nothing but an EXCUSE to stay drunk stew. you aren't really pining over her, or the loss, you are just piling on the woe is me to justify and rationalize opening another beer.

funny but was it just yesterday you claimed you were the one that wanted to break up anyways, and she was nothing but a lazy something something and good riddance? that ex is sure handy..............

get real. this is between you and alcohol. NOTHING ELSE. and until you take radical actions you'll be pining over <<fill in the blank>> for a long long time.

ScottFromWI

Not pathetic, you are just drunk. We know because we've been there. You talked about getting real the other day - how about backing up some of your words with actions and getting rid of the booze? That would be a start.

Dee74

Hi Stewy

there's a lot of ground between pathetic and trying to change. Beating yourself up like this is about as useful as drinking.

I hope you read Carlottas post a few times tomorrow.

If you're going to go the AVRT route you need to put more than a day into it.

D

FreedomCA

You are stuck in the cunning and baffling disease of alcoholism. It seems that you are going to need some kind of miracle. I empathize because I’ve been there. Praying for you.

thomas11

I get a sense that your focus is on anything and everything other than yourself. Getting sober requires a little bit of selfishness and means putting you and your sobriety first. Until that happens, we will keep going through this exercise of you being stuck in this cycle.

columbus

"Thinking about a long lost ex and pining."

Forgive me, but...

Let it the (bad word) go.

DontRemember

I've had a bit of an 'ass of a day',Stew...I'll respond tomorrow..Just know I'm still rooting for you,bud.

jhonnyspa

Hi Stewy,

Sometimes in order to stay sober, you have to do whatever it takes and nothing changes if nothing changes.
(1) AA MEETINGS
(2)Rehab
(3) Sober Recovery
(4) Healthier Eating
(5) Exercise
(6) Meditation

Rome was not built in a day it took incremental planning and this planning and perspiration created a empire