Struggling today
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Struggling today
Hi everyone. It’s been a while since I’ve been here, and I’ve missed you all 
Things have been good, mostly. My boys are now 5 and 6 years old. I’ve been promoted to a Supervisor position (Today is actually my 12 year anniversary of working with the County)
I feel like I’ve made some big progress in my recovery at times and in some ways, but at other times, I feel like I’m just as much a mess as I was when I first started posting here in 2014…
I’m currently struggling. And AH’s drinking is worse these last few months than it has been since 2014.
AH and I are separated and have been for two years now, but there have been periods during that he has stayed with us, when he has been sober. Most of his stuff is still at my house. He has never rented a house that was big enough or had a garage for it, so it has stayed with me. He comes over to get his tools for work. He comes over to hang out when he’s sober.
The kids can’t go to the place he currently rents. It’s just a room he rents and shares with two college students. I don’t like them to go anywhere with him because I don’t trust that he won’t drink. He no longer has his breathalyzer machine in his truck, so I don’t have that security. Plus his driver license is not valid. Basically I just don’t feel comfortable to be with him at all if I’m not there. We have no Court orders. He has never tried to challenge me on this. I want him to see our boys, so I’ve always allowed him to come over as much as he wants when he’s sober, but it has made it impossible for both of us to truly move on. And I’m worried that now that the boys are getting older that this arrangement is getting way too confusing for them and I’m worrying about that.
Prior to last Friday, he had been sober for about two weeks. He was at our house a lot. He was doing DS homework with him, having dinner with us and spending nights, and it felt normal and nice. I know the boys like him there. I sleep with the boys when he’s there, and he sleeps in my bed.
I know that I do not want to try to “make it work” with him anymore. I really truly don’t at this point. However, when he’s around and he’s acting normal, I have a hard time not getting comfortable with him. I have finally stopped having sex with him. But at times I still want to hug him, cuddle with him, and he was always happy to oblige, but I know this has only made it harder for him. Last week he told me he won’t try to be affectionate with me anymore or oblige anymore. He’s tired of the up and down and feeling rejected. I don’t blame him.
So anyway, he’s back to drinking as of Friday, and is basically MIA again. This has been the pattern. I tell the boys he’s working a lot, so he can’t come over and can’t call. (He does work out of town sometimes so it's not a huge stretch) They seem to be okay with that for now, but I know it’s confusing… I really just don’t know what to say to them anymore.
What’s different now (this weekend) is that he’s back to drinking at the bars… He was just drinking at his place, or with neighbors before. But now he’s at the bar. And he spent the night at a motel on Saturday…. I know because he text me to come pick him up – he lost his car keys. I said NO.
So for me, this change is hard. It’s painful when I know he’s with other women. It’s hard when he’s not still trying to be with me. I feel like finally he’s doing what I’ve been asking him to do: MOVE ON. And now I feel rejected and it hurts. It makes me want to pull him back in and continue our push pull cycle (I’m NOT going to do that! I’m just acknowledging it)
I know I need to move forward with divorce and a formal visitation arrangement. I know I need to continue to work on me and focus on the boys and stop worrying about what he's doing.... But just feeling stuck and really sad today, so thank you for letting me share.
Things have been good, mostly. My boys are now 5 and 6 years old. I’ve been promoted to a Supervisor position (Today is actually my 12 year anniversary of working with the County)
I feel like I’ve made some big progress in my recovery at times and in some ways, but at other times, I feel like I’m just as much a mess as I was when I first started posting here in 2014…
I’m currently struggling. And AH’s drinking is worse these last few months than it has been since 2014.
AH and I are separated and have been for two years now, but there have been periods during that he has stayed with us, when he has been sober. Most of his stuff is still at my house. He has never rented a house that was big enough or had a garage for it, so it has stayed with me. He comes over to get his tools for work. He comes over to hang out when he’s sober.
The kids can’t go to the place he currently rents. It’s just a room he rents and shares with two college students. I don’t like them to go anywhere with him because I don’t trust that he won’t drink. He no longer has his breathalyzer machine in his truck, so I don’t have that security. Plus his driver license is not valid. Basically I just don’t feel comfortable to be with him at all if I’m not there. We have no Court orders. He has never tried to challenge me on this. I want him to see our boys, so I’ve always allowed him to come over as much as he wants when he’s sober, but it has made it impossible for both of us to truly move on. And I’m worried that now that the boys are getting older that this arrangement is getting way too confusing for them and I’m worrying about that.
Prior to last Friday, he had been sober for about two weeks. He was at our house a lot. He was doing DS homework with him, having dinner with us and spending nights, and it felt normal and nice. I know the boys like him there. I sleep with the boys when he’s there, and he sleeps in my bed.
I know that I do not want to try to “make it work” with him anymore. I really truly don’t at this point. However, when he’s around and he’s acting normal, I have a hard time not getting comfortable with him. I have finally stopped having sex with him. But at times I still want to hug him, cuddle with him, and he was always happy to oblige, but I know this has only made it harder for him. Last week he told me he won’t try to be affectionate with me anymore or oblige anymore. He’s tired of the up and down and feeling rejected. I don’t blame him.
So anyway, he’s back to drinking as of Friday, and is basically MIA again. This has been the pattern. I tell the boys he’s working a lot, so he can’t come over and can’t call. (He does work out of town sometimes so it's not a huge stretch) They seem to be okay with that for now, but I know it’s confusing… I really just don’t know what to say to them anymore.
What’s different now (this weekend) is that he’s back to drinking at the bars… He was just drinking at his place, or with neighbors before. But now he’s at the bar. And he spent the night at a motel on Saturday…. I know because he text me to come pick him up – he lost his car keys. I said NO.
So for me, this change is hard. It’s painful when I know he’s with other women. It’s hard when he’s not still trying to be with me. I feel like finally he’s doing what I’ve been asking him to do: MOVE ON. And now I feel rejected and it hurts. It makes me want to pull him back in and continue our push pull cycle (I’m NOT going to do that! I’m just acknowledging it)
I know I need to move forward with divorce and a formal visitation arrangement. I know I need to continue to work on me and focus on the boys and stop worrying about what he's doing.... But just feeling stuck and really sad today, so thank you for letting me share.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Kboys, you know there isn't really any difference because of where he drinks. That's just a story you tell yourself to justify not letting go.
I can't remember if you see a therapist or not. That was instrumental for me in learning to let go of people and things who were not good for me or my life.
I can't remember if you see a therapist or not. That was instrumental for me in learning to let go of people and things who were not good for me or my life.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
yeah, playing house and pretending to still be involved is confusing for everyone, especially the children. it's time to draw your line in the sand....you are either done with this phase and ready to move on, or you are not. you either continue to let his alcoholism run your life, or you do not. you are both playing Come Here, Go Away and that is a very destructive endeavor.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Kboys, you know there isn't really any difference because of where he drinks. That's just a story you tell yourself to justify not letting go.
I can't remember if you see a therapist or not. That was instrumental for me in learning to let go of people and things who were not good for me or my life.
I can't remember if you see a therapist or not. That was instrumental for me in learning to let go of people and things who were not good for me or my life.
I saw a therapist briefly in 2014 but have not since then. I have thought about it and would like to again
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
yeah, playing house and pretending to still be involved is confusing for everyone, especially the children. it's time to draw your line in the sand....you are either done with this phase and ready to move on, or you are not. you either continue to let his alcoholism run your life, or you do not. you are both playing Come Here, Go Away and that is a very destructive endeavor.
I believe he will eventually disappear completely once I draw that line.
For me, that would hurt, but I know it would be the best thing.
But not for the boys. I don't want to make things more confusing for them, but I also don't want them to lose him completely.
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but I also don't want them to lose him completely.
that's really not your call..........how he chooses to be involved with his children. you have zero control over that.
are you sure YOU want to let him go? cuz your actions were sure saying otherwise.
that's really not your call..........how he chooses to be involved with his children. you have zero control over that.
are you sure YOU want to let him go? cuz your actions were sure saying otherwise.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
but I also don't want them to lose him completely.
that's really not your call..........how he chooses to be involved with his children. you have zero control over that.
are you sure YOU want to let him go? cuz your actions were sure saying otherwise.
that's really not your call..........how he chooses to be involved with his children. you have zero control over that.
are you sure YOU want to let him go? cuz your actions were sure saying otherwise.
I know I don't want to be in a relationship with him again. I know it would never be a healthy relationship and I would never really be happy. I know I just don't have the same loving feelings that I used to for him and I never will again.
But no, I guess I'm not ready to let him go completely.
I WANT to be ready. Sometimes I am. But then he's sober for a while and he's nice to be around and it makes me feel comforted.
I know I need to let it go.
I guess I need to try harder.
It's probably for the best that he's out hooking up with other women right now or whatever he's doing.
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thanks everybody. I appreciate it.
I just scheduled an appointment for April 26th with a therapist I've heard good things about. I have been wanting to do that for a while so thank you for the encouragement.
I hate the way I'm feeling right now.
I want a divorce. I have wanted a divorce for a long time. I am the one who made him move out, and who insisted that he stay moved out every time he suggested coming back for good (though I know I've given lots of mixed messages).
But I really truly do want us both to move on so why am I hurting so bad right now?
I don't know where he is right now. And it's driving me crazy right now.
He's not at his place and he's not at the neighbors. (I had to drive by when I went and picked my kids up from school and dropped them off at day care)
I hate that all I want is for him to call me and ask me if he can come over tonight. I would feel enormous relief if he did. Or even if I just knew he wasn't with a woman. I could get some actual work done today instead of nothing. I could eat something. But I know it would solve nothing.
It would just continue the unhealthy cycle and I know that.
I need to move past this.
I just scheduled an appointment for April 26th with a therapist I've heard good things about. I have been wanting to do that for a while so thank you for the encouragement.
I hate the way I'm feeling right now.
I want a divorce. I have wanted a divorce for a long time. I am the one who made him move out, and who insisted that he stay moved out every time he suggested coming back for good (though I know I've given lots of mixed messages).
But I really truly do want us both to move on so why am I hurting so bad right now?
I don't know where he is right now. And it's driving me crazy right now.
He's not at his place and he's not at the neighbors. (I had to drive by when I went and picked my kids up from school and dropped them off at day care)
I hate that all I want is for him to call me and ask me if he can come over tonight. I would feel enormous relief if he did. Or even if I just knew he wasn't with a woman. I could get some actual work done today instead of nothing. I could eat something. But I know it would solve nothing.
It would just continue the unhealthy cycle and I know that.
I need to move past this.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I think, kboys, you have probably been putting off grieving the end of what you hoped this marriage would be for a long, long time.
You're going to have to feel the pain at some point. It's not going to be great. But it's not going to kill you, either. And when you're through it, you'll be stronger than before.
You're going to have to feel the pain at some point. It's not going to be great. But it's not going to kill you, either. And when you're through it, you'll be stronger than before.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I think, kboys, you have probably been putting off grieving the end of what you hoped this marriage would be for a long, long time.
You're going to have to feel the pain at some point. It's not going to be great. But it's not going to kill you, either. And when you're through it, you'll be stronger than before.
You're going to have to feel the pain at some point. It's not going to be great. But it's not going to kill you, either. And when you're through it, you'll be stronger than before.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
I know how you feel. It’s so hard to say goodbye. Hard to be alone when a warm cuddle is right down the road. These are all difficult problems.
What is a solution? If you really and truly loved yourself, what steps would you take to ensure long term happiness for yourself? For your boys?
What adds meaning to your life? How can you rewrite your own story?
What’s to gain from all this refusal to move ahead with your life?
What is a solution? If you really and truly loved yourself, what steps would you take to ensure long term happiness for yourself? For your boys?
What adds meaning to your life? How can you rewrite your own story?
What’s to gain from all this refusal to move ahead with your life?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Kboys....sparkle just said what I was going to say to you.....
I, too, suspect that you have been holding on to hope that it would, at some point, work out the way you wanted.
Maybe, it has just now come to feel like it is really real, that the marriage is over....The loss of that dream and the dream of the Norman Rockwell family.
I understand how you must be feeling....and, there is no question that this kind of pain is just awful...worse than words can adequately describe. It can feel overwhelming and hard to focus on anything else, at first....
It is going to hurt for a while...even though it will fade as time goes on....we are hard wired to heal...and, we can/do....
But, grieving is the first step of the healing process....no way around it...got to soldier through it.....
I have always called it the short-term pain for the longterm gain.....
Maybe, look at it this way---keeping the situation going. this way is painful and tearing you apart.....Making the change is going to hurt...but, there is an end in sight....
I am going to say something that I hope that you can take with the understanding that I am trying to help.....not be mean.
I suspect that when you stopped the horizontal tango...is when he decided to change his game.....(remember that he said he was tired of the "rejection"?). Men often take sex as proof of love....and, will stick around as long as they can get it.
Women usually value more than just sex in a relationship....caring, attention, loyalty and security., etc. is important, too.
I am sorry that you are hurting so much...and, I do think that seeing the therapist , again is a really good idea....alanon or such type of a support group would probably help a lot, also....the boys are old enough to be able to take to most meetings.....
The more support you get, the easier this will be for you to navigate....
I, too, suspect that you have been holding on to hope that it would, at some point, work out the way you wanted.
Maybe, it has just now come to feel like it is really real, that the marriage is over....The loss of that dream and the dream of the Norman Rockwell family.
I understand how you must be feeling....and, there is no question that this kind of pain is just awful...worse than words can adequately describe. It can feel overwhelming and hard to focus on anything else, at first....
It is going to hurt for a while...even though it will fade as time goes on....we are hard wired to heal...and, we can/do....
But, grieving is the first step of the healing process....no way around it...got to soldier through it.....
I have always called it the short-term pain for the longterm gain.....
Maybe, look at it this way---keeping the situation going. this way is painful and tearing you apart.....Making the change is going to hurt...but, there is an end in sight....
I am going to say something that I hope that you can take with the understanding that I am trying to help.....not be mean.
I suspect that when you stopped the horizontal tango...is when he decided to change his game.....(remember that he said he was tired of the "rejection"?). Men often take sex as proof of love....and, will stick around as long as they can get it.
Women usually value more than just sex in a relationship....caring, attention, loyalty and security., etc. is important, too.
I am sorry that you are hurting so much...and, I do think that seeing the therapist , again is a really good idea....alanon or such type of a support group would probably help a lot, also....the boys are old enough to be able to take to most meetings.....
The more support you get, the easier this will be for you to navigate....
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Thank you...
I'm feeling a little better than I was this morning.
I could try to take the kids to Al-anon. I could maybe stay for at least a short period of time with them. I haven't been in a long time.
I just read over some of the things I had been writing from 2013 to 2015 when things were really bad. He was horrible to me. He was scary and threatening and he was abusive. So many times. And jealous and controlling and just so cruel at times. And he cheated on me. I put up with so so much from him for so long.
And I was thinking, in the last couple of years he has mostly only been around when he has been sober, so I haven't seen the ugly side of him as much like I used to, and I have seen a lot of the good side of him.
Which was the point of him moving out I guess.... But I guess I need a reminder every now and then so I don't forget how bad it actually was. Kinda makes me feel better.
I'm feeling a little better than I was this morning.
I could try to take the kids to Al-anon. I could maybe stay for at least a short period of time with them. I haven't been in a long time.
I just read over some of the things I had been writing from 2013 to 2015 when things were really bad. He was horrible to me. He was scary and threatening and he was abusive. So many times. And jealous and controlling and just so cruel at times. And he cheated on me. I put up with so so much from him for so long.
And I was thinking, in the last couple of years he has mostly only been around when he has been sober, so I haven't seen the ugly side of him as much like I used to, and I have seen a lot of the good side of him.
Which was the point of him moving out I guess.... But I guess I need a reminder every now and then so I don't forget how bad it actually was. Kinda makes me feel better.
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