After he moved out...
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 160
After he moved out...
So my RAH husband has moved out to 'work on himself" for 6 months. It's been about ~2 weeks. I have less general anxiety but I am struggling with a few things:
He told me has no anxiety anymore. So I guess it WAS all my fault (I'm rolling my eyes here but also kind of not really?) I still think there's something wrong with his eyes when I see him. I can't explain that to anyone without sounding like a crazy person--but I'm assuming it's the adderall he's taking. I don't think I've fully given up on him getting better. I think I'm struggling with the fact that maybe he never loved me? Maybe he never will?
I have a fear that he is going to try to have our son more than I am comfortable with. He came over this morning to get him ready and take him to school. It totally threw me off and I did not like it. He never even did that when he lived here. I (and the 2 year old) have a routine in the morning and it got thrown out of whack. Can I ask him not to come in the mornings? Is that overstepping my boundaries? I dont mind if he comes in the afternoons or whatever. I think the morning thing also bothers me because he starting to step into something that I have had complete control of the entire time--why is he wanting to do this now? Why not before?
I am proud of myself for even telling him that he needed to call before coming over. He thought he could just show up whenever. I tried to ask if we could set up a schedule of some sort but he scoffed and said "What, like a VISITATION SCHEDULE?!" implying that what we are is not at that "level" yet, I guess. I want to keep pushing it, but at the core I am scared to make him mad. I am dealing with an agreeable person right now who wants to help me out... I guess I don't want to see what my other option is.
I have noticed that my workload hasn't changed. I have seen that mentioned here before. I never realized how much of the housework i was actually doing. I notice small things, like filling up the Brita container, that he would do. He also complained about doing it all the time. I had major anxiety while trying to clean out the guest room he was sleeping in. One of the screens was missing off the window and it was unlocked. He said he took the screen off because he heard noises outside and ran out to go check to see what it was? I don't know why he couldn't use a door but whatever. I am also glad that I don't have to DEAL WITH THINGS LIKE THAT ANYMORE. No more random things happening in my house that I have to run through my head 100x trying to figure out if they are nefarious or not.
He told me has no anxiety anymore. So I guess it WAS all my fault (I'm rolling my eyes here but also kind of not really?) I still think there's something wrong with his eyes when I see him. I can't explain that to anyone without sounding like a crazy person--but I'm assuming it's the adderall he's taking. I don't think I've fully given up on him getting better. I think I'm struggling with the fact that maybe he never loved me? Maybe he never will?
I have a fear that he is going to try to have our son more than I am comfortable with. He came over this morning to get him ready and take him to school. It totally threw me off and I did not like it. He never even did that when he lived here. I (and the 2 year old) have a routine in the morning and it got thrown out of whack. Can I ask him not to come in the mornings? Is that overstepping my boundaries? I dont mind if he comes in the afternoons or whatever. I think the morning thing also bothers me because he starting to step into something that I have had complete control of the entire time--why is he wanting to do this now? Why not before?
I am proud of myself for even telling him that he needed to call before coming over. He thought he could just show up whenever. I tried to ask if we could set up a schedule of some sort but he scoffed and said "What, like a VISITATION SCHEDULE?!" implying that what we are is not at that "level" yet, I guess. I want to keep pushing it, but at the core I am scared to make him mad. I am dealing with an agreeable person right now who wants to help me out... I guess I don't want to see what my other option is.
I have noticed that my workload hasn't changed. I have seen that mentioned here before. I never realized how much of the housework i was actually doing. I notice small things, like filling up the Brita container, that he would do. He also complained about doing it all the time. I had major anxiety while trying to clean out the guest room he was sleeping in. One of the screens was missing off the window and it was unlocked. He said he took the screen off because he heard noises outside and ran out to go check to see what it was? I don't know why he couldn't use a door but whatever. I am also glad that I don't have to DEAL WITH THINGS LIKE THAT ANYMORE. No more random things happening in my house that I have to run through my head 100x trying to figure out if they are nefarious or not.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Autumn, with him out of the house, now is the time to focus on YOU and what you are doing and feeling. Rather than wondering if he ever really loved you, what about examining your relationship with yourself. Are you loving towards you? Do you treat yourself with the respect you deserve?
When it comes to visitation, is that something you can hand over to lawyers to negotiate? Then you won't have to worry about whether he is an agreeable mood or if something you say will make him mad.
When it comes to visitation, is that something you can hand over to lawyers to negotiate? Then you won't have to worry about whether he is an agreeable mood or if something you say will make him mad.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by AutumnMama 
He told me has no anxiety anymore. So I guess it WAS all my fault (I'm rolling my eyes here but also kind of not really?)
He gets to be responsible, at this point, when he chooses, how cool is that?? Breeze in to get your child ready for school because he's in the mood to do it. Eat when he wants, sleep when he wants.
I don't know where he moved out to but hey, living on your own is pretty cushy when you go from having responsibility for a family to responsibility, mainly, just to yourself.
Point being, everything is NOT your fault, I don't know all the details of the situation but he sounds demanding and manipulative. In a normal situation when you brought up the idea of some kind of more formal visitation, the two of you could have sat down and had a discussion.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
Originally Posted by trailmix
I guess it's probably easy to have no anxiety when you lose all responsibility for everything and you are taking a drug?
He gets to be responsible, at this point, when he chooses, how cool is that?? Breeze in to get your child ready for school because he's in the mood to do it. Eat when he wants, sleep when he wants.
I don't know where he moved out to but hey, living on your own is pretty cushy when you go from having responsibility for a family to responsibility, mainly, just to yourself.
Point being, everything is NOT your fault, I don't know all the details of the situation but he sounds demanding and manipulative. In a normal situation when you brought up the idea of some kind of more formal visitation, the two of you could have sat down and had a discussion.
He gets to be responsible, at this point, when he chooses, how cool is that?? Breeze in to get your child ready for school because he's in the mood to do it. Eat when he wants, sleep when he wants.
I don't know where he moved out to but hey, living on your own is pretty cushy when you go from having responsibility for a family to responsibility, mainly, just to yourself.
Point being, everything is NOT your fault, I don't know all the details of the situation but he sounds demanding and manipulative. In a normal situation when you brought up the idea of some kind of more formal visitation, the two of you could have sat down and had a discussion.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 160
Thank you for responding. I actually just had a short chat with him about setting up a schedule and he blew me off again. He doesn't want the rigidity of a schedule. He was also pretty rude to me (I said something about how I think him coming over in the mornings throws us off of our routine and he said "get over it")
Him being a d**k actually helps me snap out of the 'oh I hope he actually loved me, is there something wrong with me, etc" mental loop. It reminds me that he actually has problems, of which I am not one. I made a completely rational request. I just need to keep reminding myself of that--which I hope I will get better at with distance, time, and a therapist (which I am seeing later today).
Him being a d**k actually helps me snap out of the 'oh I hope he actually loved me, is there something wrong with me, etc" mental loop. It reminds me that he actually has problems, of which I am not one. I made a completely rational request. I just need to keep reminding myself of that--which I hope I will get better at with distance, time, and a therapist (which I am seeing later today).
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
I agree with you, I would have to insist on a schedule because it’s not fair on your son to have his routine thrown out of sync! He will be asking you every day “is dad taking me to school?” It will drive you insane never knowing if he’s going to rock up every morning - that’s not fair. And you will never be able to give your son a straight answer so he will feel let down by his dad all the time because he will ask why he’s not coming on the days he doesn’t. So one week it might be twice or three times then he might not bother for a while (although my bet is this new found enthusiasm to do the school run won’t last! He’s just throwing his weight around) I’d suggest that you either insist you know the night before or that he chooses which days he wants to do this and stick to it. So you all know where you are. That is the most reasonable answer and if he doesn’t like it? Tell him to “deal with it”!!
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AutumMomma......the fact that he is taking Adderall is suggestive, to me, that he might be ADHD? If that is true....and, especially, if he has n ever had specific therapy directed toward it....impulsivity is very, very, common. Treatment requires quite a bit of behavior modification...
The behaviors of adult ADHD can be very difficult to live with.....and, can really create a lot of conflict in the relationship...Also, moodiness--quick mood swings....and quickness to anger or become impatient.
Early recovery from alcoholism and ADHD (if that is what he has)...sounds like it could be really...really difficult for you to live with. You might not like to hear me say this--but, I think it is probably a blessing, in the overall, that he is living separately during this period. Early recovery can be a difficult for all I nvolved, in many cases. Even merciful.
Who knows how much he will change?
In any case, you still will need to have consistent boundaries for your own sake...
He doesn't sound like he is an easy person to deal with....
The behaviors of adult ADHD can be very difficult to live with.....and, can really create a lot of conflict in the relationship...Also, moodiness--quick mood swings....and quickness to anger or become impatient.
Early recovery from alcoholism and ADHD (if that is what he has)...sounds like it could be really...really difficult for you to live with. You might not like to hear me say this--but, I think it is probably a blessing, in the overall, that he is living separately during this period. Early recovery can be a difficult for all I nvolved, in many cases. Even merciful.
Who knows how much he will change?
In any case, you still will need to have consistent boundaries for your own sake...
He doesn't sound like he is an easy person to deal with....
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
A couple of thoughts:
1. Maybe he's now getting more involved in your son's morning rituals because he's worried that he's losing contact with your son by moving out, so this is a way of hanging on? Even if so, it shouldn't be you or your son's task to alleviate his fears. Can you get a visitation schedule in writing so that it's predictable? The fact that he scoffs at the words "visitation schedule" does not mean it's not a good idea - it means he would prefer to have things completely spontaneous and up to him. Which is fine for him, but not for you and the kid.
2. This whole "working on himself" thing may generate something of the "pink cloud" effect - everything 's going to be good now, because he's made a big decision to WORK ON HIMSELF! But of course the only thing that matters here is how he actually behaves. (He may also be feeling relieved because he can now drink at will without even feeling a bit guilty about being around wife and kid).
3. As for his Adderall use and how he looks - is it possible to remind yourself that this is not your problem and not even really your business?
1. Maybe he's now getting more involved in your son's morning rituals because he's worried that he's losing contact with your son by moving out, so this is a way of hanging on? Even if so, it shouldn't be you or your son's task to alleviate his fears. Can you get a visitation schedule in writing so that it's predictable? The fact that he scoffs at the words "visitation schedule" does not mean it's not a good idea - it means he would prefer to have things completely spontaneous and up to him. Which is fine for him, but not for you and the kid.
2. This whole "working on himself" thing may generate something of the "pink cloud" effect - everything 's going to be good now, because he's made a big decision to WORK ON HIMSELF! But of course the only thing that matters here is how he actually behaves. (He may also be feeling relieved because he can now drink at will without even feeling a bit guilty about being around wife and kid).
3. As for his Adderall use and how he looks - is it possible to remind yourself that this is not your problem and not even really your business?
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