Struggling to recover from break up with XAH
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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Struggling to recover from break up with XAH
2 years ago my husband’s drinking (my partner of 18 years) was so out of control that I said if he didn’t stop he would have to leave. I couldn’t have him drunk around our children. He didn’t stop so I made him leave and sorted out a cheap rented flat for him to live in in the hope this would be his rock bottom and he would return to us.
He continued to drink and it got so bad and he was so suicidal we agreed on rehab. We had to borrow £5000 from a friend for this. Whilst in rehab he got in touch with an old girlfriend (from 20 years ago) and he told me he wouldn’t ever be coming back to us.
He started a relationship with her and was able to moderate his drinking, they moved in together and now they are having a baby. He is 3 months sober, attending AA, being a good dad to our kids and loving life; meanwhile I am a single mum and I feel so lonely. I am heartbroken that he has managed to find sobriety and make a family with someone else. I struggled and supported him for years and years and put up with some horrendous situations he caused and yet he seems to have come out on top. I am aware of how resentful I sound and I desperately don’t want to be resentful. I just feel so hurt by his actions.
How on earth do I let go of him? I cry nearly every day.
He continued to drink and it got so bad and he was so suicidal we agreed on rehab. We had to borrow £5000 from a friend for this. Whilst in rehab he got in touch with an old girlfriend (from 20 years ago) and he told me he wouldn’t ever be coming back to us.
He started a relationship with her and was able to moderate his drinking, they moved in together and now they are having a baby. He is 3 months sober, attending AA, being a good dad to our kids and loving life; meanwhile I am a single mum and I feel so lonely. I am heartbroken that he has managed to find sobriety and make a family with someone else. I struggled and supported him for years and years and put up with some horrendous situations he caused and yet he seems to have come out on top. I am aware of how resentful I sound and I desperately don’t want to be resentful. I just feel so hurt by his actions.
How on earth do I let go of him? I cry nearly every day.
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Welshpixie.....I can understand how disappointed and hurt that you must feel. You put a lot of yourself into the relationship and I know that this is not what you had set your heart on....
Ultimately, we don't have control over other people...only our own actions...
When it comes to alcoholism.....The 3 Cs....We didn't Cause it; We can't Cure it; and we can't Control it.....
While it may look like he is living in gravy....don't be so sure....
3 months is early on for sobriety. There can be no moderation in drinking...only total abstainence....as one drink is too much....An alcoholic cannot control their drinking like a non-alcoholic can....not, for very long, at least. While attending AA can be a start...just attending is, in itself, not enough....It takes a few years of actually working the steps diligently--as a first priority....to make life long changes...
Don't be surprised if this relationship doesn't work out for him....
It is early...there is much more to be revealed....it is time that will tell....
Of course, you are going to grieve....(which you already have begun)...this is n ormal, natural and expected when one h as suffered a major loss...an, you have lost a dream....
Grieving feels worse than words can describe.....but, it doesn't stay the same, forever.....we are wired to heal.....and, you will...according to Nature's plan.....
At least the children are not living in the house with the drinking...which is the most important thing of all...and, if he is being a better parent to them....t hen you have given them a gift...which you should be proud of yourself for doing....
It is no sin to feel resentful....you have just been very hurt...it is a natural feeling, under the circumstance....
He is now her problem...a problem under her roof....
You may feel like the sun is shining on them, right now....but, the sun hasn't set, yet.....
There is a lot more to be revealed....
Ultimately, we don't have control over other people...only our own actions...
When it comes to alcoholism.....The 3 Cs....We didn't Cause it; We can't Cure it; and we can't Control it.....
While it may look like he is living in gravy....don't be so sure....
3 months is early on for sobriety. There can be no moderation in drinking...only total abstainence....as one drink is too much....An alcoholic cannot control their drinking like a non-alcoholic can....not, for very long, at least. While attending AA can be a start...just attending is, in itself, not enough....It takes a few years of actually working the steps diligently--as a first priority....to make life long changes...
Don't be surprised if this relationship doesn't work out for him....
It is early...there is much more to be revealed....it is time that will tell....
Of course, you are going to grieve....(which you already have begun)...this is n ormal, natural and expected when one h as suffered a major loss...an, you have lost a dream....
Grieving feels worse than words can describe.....but, it doesn't stay the same, forever.....we are wired to heal.....and, you will...according to Nature's plan.....
At least the children are not living in the house with the drinking...which is the most important thing of all...and, if he is being a better parent to them....t hen you have given them a gift...which you should be proud of yourself for doing....
It is no sin to feel resentful....you have just been very hurt...it is a natural feeling, under the circumstance....
He is now her problem...a problem under her roof....
You may feel like the sun is shining on them, right now....but, the sun hasn't set, yet.....
There is a lot more to be revealed....
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
This is so hurtful, I'm so sorry you're going through it. Dandy made a lot of good points. You got a drunk away from your kids! He's being a good dad now. Those are huge. I pray it lasts.
Which is it, is he sober or moderating his drinking? If he's moderating, the odds approach 100% this will not work and he'll be drinking full time soon enough, sad to say. Particularly sad for the new baby and the mother.
I know it doesn't seem like it now but life will get much better for you. It is very natural to feel sad and resentful and hurt, but gradually these feelings will fade. You did a courageous thing, taking a stand for yourself and your kids. You gave yourself, and them, the chance to build a new life without the chaos of living with an alcoholic.
He started a relationship with her and was able to moderate his drinking, they moved in together and now they are having a baby. He is 3 months sober, attending AA,
I know it doesn't seem like it now but life will get much better for you. It is very natural to feel sad and resentful and hurt, but gradually these feelings will fade. You did a courageous thing, taking a stand for yourself and your kids. You gave yourself, and them, the chance to build a new life without the chaos of living with an alcoholic.
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He is 3 months sober, attending AA, being a good dad to our kids and loving life; meanwhile I am a single mum and I feel so lonely. I am heartbroken that he has managed to find sobriety and make a family with someone else.
It is very hurtful when this appears to happen but I can guarantee it won't last unless he is actually sober and working on it not just "moderating his drinking" cos alcoholics cannot moderate and slip back to same levels and more very quickly. You have every right to feel resentful and sidelined but the grass on the other side of the fence is unlikely to be any greener for him and tbh you are better off without him tho it may not feel like it yet. His new lady may well come to wish she had never met him too eventually. It is sad a baby is in the mix so quickly.
My exah did this moving out and having his "miracle cure" each time. He blamed me for his drinking and once he moved out his family and he said he had stopped. I remember posting this fact on this forum back in early 2009 under a different username and being shocked that everyone who replied was sceptical that he had stopped and he might be lying. They were of course right cos he never has sobered up and he was making out he was doing better then he was to spite me and make me feel like was the problem. I cried and cried every day too but then I got busy learning about alcoholism and from there it wasn't long before we got divorced cos I realised he was never going to change and I didn't want to live with him like that. ((hugs))
It is very hurtful when this appears to happen but I can guarantee it won't last unless he is actually sober and working on it not just "moderating his drinking" cos alcoholics cannot moderate and slip back to same levels and more very quickly. You have every right to feel resentful and sidelined but the grass on the other side of the fence is unlikely to be any greener for him and tbh you are better off without him tho it may not feel like it yet. His new lady may well come to wish she had never met him too eventually. It is sad a baby is in the mix so quickly.
My exah did this moving out and having his "miracle cure" each time. He blamed me for his drinking and once he moved out his family and he said he had stopped. I remember posting this fact on this forum back in early 2009 under a different username and being shocked that everyone who replied was sceptical that he had stopped and he might be lying. They were of course right cos he never has sobered up and he was making out he was doing better then he was to spite me and make me feel like was the problem. I cried and cried every day too but then I got busy learning about alcoholism and from there it wasn't long before we got divorced cos I realised he was never going to change and I didn't want to live with him like that. ((hugs))
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Hi Welshpixie,
i amsorry you have to go through this. I was married for a long time and left my husband of 32 years. He got himself a gf pronto and they are still together. It was so very debilitating for me. He was living the life, got to retire, bought himself an expensive truck, partied, etc... I had done a lot for him at my expense and it was never reciprocated. It was very very hard for me knowing he was so happy without me.
I went to therapy for a long time and kept myself busy. It' been more than two years and everything is so much better than when i was with him.
I just wanted you to know you will get through this, but it will take a whole lot more time than is fair.
I am so much happier than i was when i was with him. You will be too.
i amsorry you have to go through this. I was married for a long time and left my husband of 32 years. He got himself a gf pronto and they are still together. It was so very debilitating for me. He was living the life, got to retire, bought himself an expensive truck, partied, etc... I had done a lot for him at my expense and it was never reciprocated. It was very very hard for me knowing he was so happy without me.
I went to therapy for a long time and kept myself busy. It' been more than two years and everything is so much better than when i was with him.
I just wanted you to know you will get through this, but it will take a whole lot more time than is fair.
I am so much happier than i was when i was with him. You will be too.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
Sorry to hear of your loss, Welshpixie. Nothing much can soothe your pain right now but good old time will help. It has to feel like a gut punch when you hear how well his life is going (or rather, seems to be going).
Here's some thoughts from an old race horse. Might be difficult right now to wrap your head around these concepts but here goes:
Be happy this man is out of your life (well, mostly) sounds like a miserable marriage for you. I'd be delighted to have my home without the drunk and all the issues it created.
Be happy he is not drinking, your children need their father in their lives. Being a good role model is a bonus, being sober for them is a bonus. Maybe this is the only way for him to recover, with a new woman and baby on the way. So he turned his life around and found the old school chum, wonderful. But you know from being on SR that we were never the cause of anyone's drinking except our own. Wherever he goes, there he is. It's okay to be the ex of an AH.
Concentrate on what you want your life to look like, your interests, your hobbies. If you are affected by losing his income and cannot support yourself, this is the time to wrangle in some education to improve your skills. If you are employed, your time off - use it to pursue your dreams your interests - such a great time to focus on living well.
Pamper yourself, work out, get fit, start getting out in the world. Go get your hair done, get regular massages and pedicures. Look awesome, it is your time to bloom! Let him see you doing well, feeling great, getting on with life.
And hopefully you'll look back at this breakup time as the start of your fabulous life!
Here's some thoughts from an old race horse. Might be difficult right now to wrap your head around these concepts but here goes:
Be happy this man is out of your life (well, mostly) sounds like a miserable marriage for you. I'd be delighted to have my home without the drunk and all the issues it created.
Be happy he is not drinking, your children need their father in their lives. Being a good role model is a bonus, being sober for them is a bonus. Maybe this is the only way for him to recover, with a new woman and baby on the way. So he turned his life around and found the old school chum, wonderful. But you know from being on SR that we were never the cause of anyone's drinking except our own. Wherever he goes, there he is. It's okay to be the ex of an AH.
Concentrate on what you want your life to look like, your interests, your hobbies. If you are affected by losing his income and cannot support yourself, this is the time to wrangle in some education to improve your skills. If you are employed, your time off - use it to pursue your dreams your interests - such a great time to focus on living well.
Pamper yourself, work out, get fit, start getting out in the world. Go get your hair done, get regular massages and pedicures. Look awesome, it is your time to bloom! Let him see you doing well, feeling great, getting on with life.
And hopefully you'll look back at this breakup time as the start of your fabulous life!
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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Thank you for your replies and for not judging me and my unkind reactions.
He has definitely been sober for three months and it’s the longest in over 6 years.
It’s two years since we split and I’m ashamed to say that I’m unhappier now than I was at the beginning. Watching him drink himself almost to death was upsetting but it confirmed I’d made the right choice, however watching him in recovery with the woman he betrayed me with, riding some kind of pink unicorn of sobriety whilst sprinkling good deeds left, right and centre like fairy dust is worse. I don’t want to feel like this, I want to be happy for him.
I was 16 when we got together and my identity is so bound up with him and to some extent his alcoholism I don’t have much of a sense of self. I want to accept and move on I just don’t know how or where to start.
I apologise for the self pity. I guess I just wan to know how to stop obsessing over him and his new partner and new life. Sorry
He has definitely been sober for three months and it’s the longest in over 6 years.
It’s two years since we split and I’m ashamed to say that I’m unhappier now than I was at the beginning. Watching him drink himself almost to death was upsetting but it confirmed I’d made the right choice, however watching him in recovery with the woman he betrayed me with, riding some kind of pink unicorn of sobriety whilst sprinkling good deeds left, right and centre like fairy dust is worse. I don’t want to feel like this, I want to be happy for him.
I was 16 when we got together and my identity is so bound up with him and to some extent his alcoholism I don’t have much of a sense of self. I want to accept and move on I just don’t know how or where to start.
I apologise for the self pity. I guess I just wan to know how to stop obsessing over him and his new partner and new life. Sorry
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thank you. I replied before I read your post.
You’ve given good advice and over the past two years I’ve tried to concentrate on myself, I’ve taken up running, developed my social life, dated a few other men, got a promotion at work, I have two lovely children -there’s lots for me to be grateful for. I just have this awful sense of loneliness without him and the sadness of watching him start a new life (and quite rightfully including my children in it) is still so painful. He was always amazing and kind when sober I have so many regrets and what ifs about ending it.
You’ve given good advice and over the past two years I’ve tried to concentrate on myself, I’ve taken up running, developed my social life, dated a few other men, got a promotion at work, I have two lovely children -there’s lots for me to be grateful for. I just have this awful sense of loneliness without him and the sadness of watching him start a new life (and quite rightfully including my children in it) is still so painful. He was always amazing and kind when sober I have so many regrets and what ifs about ending it.
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Welshpixie.....I am going to go out on a limb, here...just spitballing....but, I wonder if you didn't fully grieve the end of the marriage relationship, at the time of the split. I think that .sometimes, a person doesn't fully grieve, because they might have a piece of hope that is still lingering...hope that they will see the light and quit drinking, come back, and live out the original dream.
Perhaps, seeing him make the first stab at sobriety with someone else and especially the addition of the baby, makes it seem so much more final.....thus, the loss of y our original dream, and the feelings of unresolved grief......
I don't know if this is the case with you...but, it does happen to a lot of people.....
I did a little math...an, it appears that you might be just shy of your mid 30s......which means that you have soo much life ahead of you....you are still in your prime...
after you have finished grieving (of course)....and, as you build a life for yourelf..a new life...with new experiences and, probably, a new love...you will not even want to turn back time.....
Do some things that you never have been able to do, before...and, wouldn't dream of doing when you were still married.....
Stop pressuring yourself to feel "happy" for him.....you don't have to be...just concentrate on living your own good life!
Perhaps, seeing him make the first stab at sobriety with someone else and especially the addition of the baby, makes it seem so much more final.....thus, the loss of y our original dream, and the feelings of unresolved grief......
I don't know if this is the case with you...but, it does happen to a lot of people.....
I did a little math...an, it appears that you might be just shy of your mid 30s......which means that you have soo much life ahead of you....you are still in your prime...
after you have finished grieving (of course)....and, as you build a life for yourelf..a new life...with new experiences and, probably, a new love...you will not even want to turn back time.....
Do some things that you never have been able to do, before...and, wouldn't dream of doing when you were still married.....
Stop pressuring yourself to feel "happy" for him.....you don't have to be...just concentrate on living your own good life!
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by Welshpixie 
Thank you for your replies and for not judging me and my unkind reactions.
He has definitely been sober for three months and it’s the longest in over 6 years.
It’s two years since we split and I’m ashamed to say that I’m unhappier now than I was at the beginning. Watching him drink himself almost to death was upsetting but it confirmed I’d made the right choice, however watching him in recovery with the woman he betrayed me with, riding some kind of pink unicorn of sobriety whilst sprinkling good deeds left, right and centre like fairy dust is worse. I don’t want to feel like this, I want to be happy for him.
I was 16 when we got together and my identity is so bound up with him and to some extent his alcoholism I don’t have much of a sense of self. I want to accept and move on I just don’t know how or where to start.
I apologise for the self pity. I guess I just wan to know how to stop obsessing over him and his new partner and new life. Sorry
He has definitely been sober for three months and it’s the longest in over 6 years.
It’s two years since we split and I’m ashamed to say that I’m unhappier now than I was at the beginning. Watching him drink himself almost to death was upsetting but it confirmed I’d made the right choice, however watching him in recovery with the woman he betrayed me with, riding some kind of pink unicorn of sobriety whilst sprinkling good deeds left, right and centre like fairy dust is worse. I don’t want to feel like this, I want to be happy for him.
I was 16 when we got together and my identity is so bound up with him and to some extent his alcoholism I don’t have much of a sense of self. I want to accept and move on I just don’t know how or where to start.
I apologise for the self pity. I guess I just wan to know how to stop obsessing over him and his new partner and new life. Sorry
First of all, I'm sorry. I can't imagine. I understand that wrapped up part. I've been with my AH since 17 and I'm now 46.
What you did by making him leave was so strong. And as someone said above, as hurtful as it is maybe this imay be the only way he could be sober. (And no, the drinking wasn't your fault). For my dad, the only thing that stopped his drinking was death. I don't think he would ever have stopped, so in some ways his death was almost comforting of that make sense.
I know I'm rambling and I'm sorry. It's ok to pity yourself for awhile and be angry, but not for too long IMO. For me, I slowly started to detach and think about things o missed doing. I was isolated and didn't even realize it. I worked to make sure I wasn't isolated anymore. Is there one thing that sticks out to you in the marriage like that? Have you seen the movie Sleeping with the enemy? When Julia Roberts breaks free, she forces herself to not do things that her husband had required her to do. In fact she forces herself to do the opposite ( not hang a hand towel perfectly, cans not lined up in the pantry)- she messes it up). Since I have done some detaching, I force myself to do stupid stuff like that. It's hard, but I do it.
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Don't feel bad for expressing how you feel because that is healthy and the purpose for this forum!
What you caused by your setting boundaries with your father's children probably is the catalyst that saved his life, spared your children the horror of seeing their father drink himself to death and gave you the opportunity to start over... it may seem lonely and sad right now but it won't always be this way I am certain.
He is all you really knew and you will have to find your way back to you that ignored for years and years trying to keep all the fingers in the dyke of the dysfunction of alcoholism in your home.
I agree with the rest of the wise posters: 3 months is nothing to get all excited about and neither is abstinence. Getting another woman pregnant before making sure he could take care of himself or his family is very selfish and not a sign of any true recovery!
Recovery is not being dry...its becoming a person of honor, integrity and responsibility and I do not see that in any of what you have described for us.
Men often switch addictions and the new "woman" is just that! You KNOW too much,,, the unvarnished truth... and he would have had to work his program since you are not the typical "normie" anymore... it's easier to get someone NEW and spin the story of his life and his past that is usually far from the truth!
More will be revealed and time is YOUR friend and it will set you free if you let it...
Hope you have a great counselor that you are spending some time with as that helped me enormously...
My dad died an alcoholic, my brother died in January 2017 at 51 an alcoholic, my mother grieved herself to death 9 months later and my chronically relapsing alcoholic X fiancé got as much as 1 year sober over and over and over and over again....
I broke up with him 7 years ago and he is still chronically relapsing and in and out of rehabs (ripping off insurance companies actually)...
So.... I was so sure that he was going to make it way back then... I was a real know it all and thought the posters on here were so mean!
They were right... I wasted 4 years with that guy who did not change.... only time will tell if your XAH is really going to stay sober or is in real recovery. But you WIN ... you really do. If he does your kids have a dad... If he relapses and ruins another new family it's not your problem any more.
Hope that helps... and by the way. I am very, very happy and do not collect alcoholics and all my blood qualifiers have now died in their addiction.
This is the first time I have written of it on here.... soon I will update my life and what happened.
Be of good cheer... I promise it will get better.
What you caused by your setting boundaries with your father's children probably is the catalyst that saved his life, spared your children the horror of seeing their father drink himself to death and gave you the opportunity to start over... it may seem lonely and sad right now but it won't always be this way I am certain.
He is all you really knew and you will have to find your way back to you that ignored for years and years trying to keep all the fingers in the dyke of the dysfunction of alcoholism in your home.
I agree with the rest of the wise posters: 3 months is nothing to get all excited about and neither is abstinence. Getting another woman pregnant before making sure he could take care of himself or his family is very selfish and not a sign of any true recovery!
Recovery is not being dry...its becoming a person of honor, integrity and responsibility and I do not see that in any of what you have described for us.
Men often switch addictions and the new "woman" is just that! You KNOW too much,,, the unvarnished truth... and he would have had to work his program since you are not the typical "normie" anymore... it's easier to get someone NEW and spin the story of his life and his past that is usually far from the truth!
More will be revealed and time is YOUR friend and it will set you free if you let it...
Hope you have a great counselor that you are spending some time with as that helped me enormously...
My dad died an alcoholic, my brother died in January 2017 at 51 an alcoholic, my mother grieved herself to death 9 months later and my chronically relapsing alcoholic X fiancé got as much as 1 year sober over and over and over and over again....
I broke up with him 7 years ago and he is still chronically relapsing and in and out of rehabs (ripping off insurance companies actually)...
So.... I was so sure that he was going to make it way back then... I was a real know it all and thought the posters on here were so mean!
They were right... I wasted 4 years with that guy who did not change.... only time will tell if your XAH is really going to stay sober or is in real recovery. But you WIN ... you really do. If he does your kids have a dad... If he relapses and ruins another new family it's not your problem any more.
Hope that helps... and by the way. I am very, very happy and do not collect alcoholics and all my blood qualifiers have now died in their addiction.
This is the first time I have written of it on here.... soon I will update my life and what happened.
Be of good cheer... I promise it will get better.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I’m sorry you’re here but you’re in the right place and I agree with others that you’re feelings are not abnormal. And going to AA doesn’t necessarily mean anything. My RAH says a lot of alcoholics start going to AA to learn how to control their drinking, not with intention of actually stopping. Is he truly working a program? Because being dry doesn’t mean recovered by any stretch of the means and relapsing is not uncommon especially if they’re not really working a program. It’s great that he’s been clean for 3 months, that’s a good start but it’s only a start. Only time will tell. On top of that it sounds like he rushed into a relationship and got her pregnant in no time In rehab he should’ve learned that they really advise against any big life changes that first year, especially starting a new relationship (and during rehab is even worse, they should’ve talked some sense into him...they might have and he just didn’t listen). They really need to focus on themselves that first year. He probably is now getting his fix from the new relationship. What happens when the newness wears off, the baby is here and no one is getting any sleep etc. Real life will set in and that will be the real test of how well his recovery is going.
Now my RAH was a drinker when I met him so a little different. But as I found out only in the past 3 or 4 months, the main reason he left his wife (well besides the fact that he claims to not have really ever loved her but he didn’t feel like he could do better basically) was that he would not have been able to continue his drinking like he wanted to. He was doing a trial separation when I met him, I was still married too but unhappy and very quickly he called it quits after meeting me and my X and I were struggling (which btw was also a very dysfunctional relationship) and called it wuits. So we basically went straight from being married and calling it quits to being very heavily involved with each other (red flag, I know now). So totally rebound but it seemed like everything was just perfect (and it was, we were the perfect match up for a dysfunctional codependent relationship). Anyway, he wasn’t sober but I’m sure his x felt like you for sometime, he moved on with a younger woman and we were living the life and to the outside world I can see how it would look like the grass was greener on his side now. And of course we had fun for a while but as time went on his drinking got worse, he quit several times cold turkey and on his own only to restart again after a while. We had a kid because I didn’t have any and didn’t understand how that was really not a good choice but I’m very grateful for her and wouldn’t give her up for anything. Took in his sister’s kids because both parents were drug addicts and everything looked perfect to the outside world. In the mean time his x moved on and remarried and is doing well. And she probably is glad now that he divorced her all those years ago.
14 years after we met I finally hit my rock bottom. His drinking had spun out of control again and I was ready to leave. I gave him one last chance. As luck would have it, he had gotten to the point where he knew he couldn’t go on like that and so the ultimatum worked and he got mandatory rehab because of his job,. Now 1.5 years later he is doing well sobriety wise and he has really changed for the better. So you’d think i would be thrilled. I’m glad he is present for our kid and all the other kids (they’re in their 20s) but all those years really did a number on the relationship and my feelings for him (him not so much as he was too busy being a drunk to have it affect his feelings for me). I naively thought that once he quit things would be all puppies and rainbows but it couldn’t be farther from the truth. Rehab made things worse and I also learned about myself and my very codependent ways that go back to my FOO and continued during my first marriage and then got a lot worse during my current marriage. I’ve also never really been single. I graduated HS, came to the US for college, met my XH and went from him straight to my RAH. So I’ve had to really change my ways as well, learn about myself, learn that it is ok to express your feelings (been mostly stuffing them since I was really young) , trying to figure out who I am, making decisions based on what I need rather than what I think other feel like I should decide etc. I struggle a lot and I’m still with my H who has been sober and is doing so well. I just feel like too much happened over the years and not sure I can get past that. (Which is hard for people to understand because I should be grateful he got clean) Recovery is hard for everyone involved. All the focus tends to be on the alcoholic because they have the obvious problem. But the vast majority of partners also need a lot of work because most of us are codependent, I think this is especially true for those of us who have been with our partners for many years and putting up with the addiction for many years.
Alanon wasn’t for me but I did got for a while when I was in acute crisis mode so to speak. I would recommend you at least give it a go for a few sessions. I would also highly recommend individual therapy preferably with someone who has an addiction background (as in training, not necessarily that they were an addict themselves). I’ve been going to therapy weekly for 1.5 years now since sh*t hit the fan and I really need it. It has taken me a long time to realize a lot of stuff about myself and I still have a lot of work to do (I still suck at sitting with my feelings and expressing them, it has improved but those are lifelong habits that I need to change ). Learn all you can about alcoholism. I’m a medical provider and didn’t know how little I rally knew about addiction until my H went to rehab. We always just tell patients they need to quit and go to AA. Well it’s not that simple. Now I know that it is a lot more complicated than that.
Regardless of the alcohol/sobriety , he has chosen not to be with you anymore even if it probably wasn’t the best decision. But he has made his choice and you have no control over that,. The best “revenge” so to speak is to get help grieving the loss of your marriage and start taking care of you. You now have the freedom to do whatever you want, make your own decisions and do things for you. You don’t have to worry about whether ot not he is going to stay clean or not. You can do you. You may need some help through therapy figuring out who you are and to change some codepency issues you probably have ( i never knew what that was until I read codependent no more right before confronting him and I definitely got a lot of that) and a lot of us tend to end up in dysfunctional relationships again unless we change some of our ways (I went from my mom to my XH who wasn’t an alcoholic but came from an alcoholic home and was basically a self absorbed controlling jerk and then to my now RAH).
Get help getting unstuck because it can be hard to see the trees though the forest yourself and I think a lot,f us tend to be very hard on ourselves and very critical of ourselves. I sur have needed help to help me see why I am the way I am and what I need to do to change it and to help me learn to be kind to me. It helps when someone can clarify a lot of that. And often people in alanon can be very helpful with that.
Anyway, hang in there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You’ve got a whole life ahead of this still and I’m sure things will get better once you start to really focus on taking care of yourself. You can do this!
I was gonna post a link for a documentary on YouTube Called pleasure unwoven but it looks like the full version has been removed
too bad because it explained addiction very well. There is bits and pieces of it on there still.
Now my RAH was a drinker when I met him so a little different. But as I found out only in the past 3 or 4 months, the main reason he left his wife (well besides the fact that he claims to not have really ever loved her but he didn’t feel like he could do better basically) was that he would not have been able to continue his drinking like he wanted to. He was doing a trial separation when I met him, I was still married too but unhappy and very quickly he called it quits after meeting me and my X and I were struggling (which btw was also a very dysfunctional relationship) and called it wuits. So we basically went straight from being married and calling it quits to being very heavily involved with each other (red flag, I know now). So totally rebound but it seemed like everything was just perfect (and it was, we were the perfect match up for a dysfunctional codependent relationship). Anyway, he wasn’t sober but I’m sure his x felt like you for sometime, he moved on with a younger woman and we were living the life and to the outside world I can see how it would look like the grass was greener on his side now. And of course we had fun for a while but as time went on his drinking got worse, he quit several times cold turkey and on his own only to restart again after a while. We had a kid because I didn’t have any and didn’t understand how that was really not a good choice but I’m very grateful for her and wouldn’t give her up for anything. Took in his sister’s kids because both parents were drug addicts and everything looked perfect to the outside world. In the mean time his x moved on and remarried and is doing well. And she probably is glad now that he divorced her all those years ago.
14 years after we met I finally hit my rock bottom. His drinking had spun out of control again and I was ready to leave. I gave him one last chance. As luck would have it, he had gotten to the point where he knew he couldn’t go on like that and so the ultimatum worked and he got mandatory rehab because of his job,. Now 1.5 years later he is doing well sobriety wise and he has really changed for the better. So you’d think i would be thrilled. I’m glad he is present for our kid and all the other kids (they’re in their 20s) but all those years really did a number on the relationship and my feelings for him (him not so much as he was too busy being a drunk to have it affect his feelings for me). I naively thought that once he quit things would be all puppies and rainbows but it couldn’t be farther from the truth. Rehab made things worse and I also learned about myself and my very codependent ways that go back to my FOO and continued during my first marriage and then got a lot worse during my current marriage. I’ve also never really been single. I graduated HS, came to the US for college, met my XH and went from him straight to my RAH. So I’ve had to really change my ways as well, learn about myself, learn that it is ok to express your feelings (been mostly stuffing them since I was really young) , trying to figure out who I am, making decisions based on what I need rather than what I think other feel like I should decide etc. I struggle a lot and I’m still with my H who has been sober and is doing so well. I just feel like too much happened over the years and not sure I can get past that. (Which is hard for people to understand because I should be grateful he got clean) Recovery is hard for everyone involved. All the focus tends to be on the alcoholic because they have the obvious problem. But the vast majority of partners also need a lot of work because most of us are codependent, I think this is especially true for those of us who have been with our partners for many years and putting up with the addiction for many years.
Alanon wasn’t for me but I did got for a while when I was in acute crisis mode so to speak. I would recommend you at least give it a go for a few sessions. I would also highly recommend individual therapy preferably with someone who has an addiction background (as in training, not necessarily that they were an addict themselves). I’ve been going to therapy weekly for 1.5 years now since sh*t hit the fan and I really need it. It has taken me a long time to realize a lot of stuff about myself and I still have a lot of work to do (I still suck at sitting with my feelings and expressing them, it has improved but those are lifelong habits that I need to change ). Learn all you can about alcoholism. I’m a medical provider and didn’t know how little I rally knew about addiction until my H went to rehab. We always just tell patients they need to quit and go to AA. Well it’s not that simple. Now I know that it is a lot more complicated than that.
Regardless of the alcohol/sobriety , he has chosen not to be with you anymore even if it probably wasn’t the best decision. But he has made his choice and you have no control over that,. The best “revenge” so to speak is to get help grieving the loss of your marriage and start taking care of you. You now have the freedom to do whatever you want, make your own decisions and do things for you. You don’t have to worry about whether ot not he is going to stay clean or not. You can do you. You may need some help through therapy figuring out who you are and to change some codepency issues you probably have ( i never knew what that was until I read codependent no more right before confronting him and I definitely got a lot of that) and a lot of us tend to end up in dysfunctional relationships again unless we change some of our ways (I went from my mom to my XH who wasn’t an alcoholic but came from an alcoholic home and was basically a self absorbed controlling jerk and then to my now RAH).
Get help getting unstuck because it can be hard to see the trees though the forest yourself and I think a lot,f us tend to be very hard on ourselves and very critical of ourselves. I sur have needed help to help me see why I am the way I am and what I need to do to change it and to help me learn to be kind to me. It helps when someone can clarify a lot of that. And often people in alanon can be very helpful with that.
Anyway, hang in there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You’ve got a whole life ahead of this still and I’m sure things will get better once you start to really focus on taking care of yourself. You can do this!
I was gonna post a link for a documentary on YouTube Called pleasure unwoven but it looks like the full version has been removed
too bad because it explained addiction very well. There is bits and pieces of it on there still.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/204572-feeling-replaced.html
Read this link. It talks about “replacements.” It helped me so much!
I bet you anything he continues drinking again, he lies to her, and the relationship falls apart.
Read this link. It talks about “replacements.” It helped me so much!
I bet you anything he continues drinking again, he lies to her, and the relationship falls apart.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 30
Thank you for sharing your feelings
I too have recently divorced my EXAH. My biggest fear is that he gets sober , finds someone else , and gives her all the things I waited so long for but he never gave me..........
From reading your post though , I agree with what most are saying,,,, he doesn't sound sober, just DRY and looking for the next addiction Sailorgirl57 is right , he is probably feeding her lies he once fed you , except this time he probably blames everything on you..
He left you because he can no longer manipulate you,,, alcoholics are masters at manipulation
I just hope you can find peace in your heart for just long enough to witness what you know will inevitably unfold
I too have recently divorced my EXAH. My biggest fear is that he gets sober , finds someone else , and gives her all the things I waited so long for but he never gave me..........
From reading your post though , I agree with what most are saying,,,, he doesn't sound sober, just DRY and looking for the next addiction Sailorgirl57 is right , he is probably feeding her lies he once fed you , except this time he probably blames everything on you..
He left you because he can no longer manipulate you,,, alcoholics are masters at manipulation
I just hope you can find peace in your heart for just long enough to witness what you know will inevitably unfold
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 124
I am in the middle of my divorce and yesterday I found out that my soon to be ex husband was in a different state wooing a new girl . Repeating the same pattern he went through with me when he was conditioning me. Then our marriage fell apart because I absolutely was not on board with his drinking and saw right through it and stood my ground like no other. Anyway, what I am getting to is that he may or may not get sober- right now he's not- he was still ordering drinks at the bar and making the girl pay for t because I had to get his documents subpoenaed and it shows the trail
Of alcohol so he has his game plan on. Too bad that someone I know in Boston happened to run into him and the new girl. Any sponsor in AA who is solid in their recovery will
Advise their sponsee to not date atleast for a year into sobriety. Worry about yourself. Work on you. In this moment, that's all we have. Trust that there is a higher power and he will show you what he needs to when the time is right. Yesterday was the first day of me coming out of a 20 day severe depression phase. My higher power knew that yesterday I was strong enough to see the truth. Any day even a day before yesterday and I would have probably killed myself. I know it's easier for me because I have no kids but the pain is the same. Learn to love yourself, grow, step out and see how big the world it is and how much joy it has to offer.
Of alcohol so he has his game plan on. Too bad that someone I know in Boston happened to run into him and the new girl. Any sponsor in AA who is solid in their recovery will
Advise their sponsee to not date atleast for a year into sobriety. Worry about yourself. Work on you. In this moment, that's all we have. Trust that there is a higher power and he will show you what he needs to when the time is right. Yesterday was the first day of me coming out of a 20 day severe depression phase. My higher power knew that yesterday I was strong enough to see the truth. Any day even a day before yesterday and I would have probably killed myself. I know it's easier for me because I have no kids but the pain is the same. Learn to love yourself, grow, step out and see how big the world it is and how much joy it has to offer.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4
Thank you. I had been feeling really low but I’ve made a few decisions to help me deal with all this and move on, based on many of your comments. The first thing I did was I made a list of all the bad stuff he did to remind me I had good reason to send him on his way l, for example the holiday we went on in france when our boys were 4 and 2. He disappeared for 3 days to drink himself into oblivion, leaving me and the little ones frantic with worry in a foreign country without transport or the ability to speak the language -it turns out he had secretly packed his camping things as it was his intention all along to go off alone. That’s just one example. When I read the list back I ask myself why on earth I would want to go back to that relationship, I hadn’t ever been so lonely.
The other thing I did is decide that I don’t have to be happy for him and his new found sobriety and happy life with new girl friend and my aim is to just be indifferent (is this a bit like the detachment Inhear people on here speak of? I worked out I don’t need to be happy for him or resentful of him and if you have to force yourself to feel a certain way then I guess it’s a form of dishonesty.
The next thing I need to do is find my purpose and come up with things I want to do and achieve, things which Inwould have been unable to do if I was with him. This is hard.
I need to celebrate my freedom and not see it as loneliness. I am no longer covering for him, lying to other people in order to protect him. In fact I am less lonely than I was before because now I can be honest with everyone in my life.
Thanks everyone for helping. Does this sound like a good start? Any more suggestions? X
The other thing I did is decide that I don’t have to be happy for him and his new found sobriety and happy life with new girl friend and my aim is to just be indifferent (is this a bit like the detachment Inhear people on here speak of? I worked out I don’t need to be happy for him or resentful of him and if you have to force yourself to feel a certain way then I guess it’s a form of dishonesty.
The next thing I need to do is find my purpose and come up with things I want to do and achieve, things which Inwould have been unable to do if I was with him. This is hard.
I need to celebrate my freedom and not see it as loneliness. I am no longer covering for him, lying to other people in order to protect him. In fact I am less lonely than I was before because now I can be honest with everyone in my life.
Thanks everyone for helping. Does this sound like a good start? Any more suggestions? X
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 30
Thats a great start! I'm so glad you made that list ... we've been conditioned to believe that the crazy mess we live in is normal so long that sometimes we forget why we left to begin with.... I applaud you for taking charge of your life and having the courage to start moving forward....... SR in my case feels better than Alanon sometimes, peoples stories here just put things into perspective ,, every,,, single,,,time
Thankful to you all
Thankful to you all
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by Welshpixie
Thanks everyone for helping. Does this sound like a good start? Any more suggestions? X
As 7year mentioned, sometimes the madness of a relationship can start to seem normal-ish and writing that out says - no it's not.
I hope you keep that in mind. Also, he is having drinks with some woman and having her pay so there is no tracking it. How tacky is that?
As for doing things for yourself, you have probably become a bit isolated over time? Now is the time to reach out to family and friends and if friends are lacking maybe have a look at getting involved in Al-Anon or meetup, choosing a meetup group that is involved in something you are interested in is great. The best thing about meetup groups is there is no pressure to attend, you see an event you like, you go, then you can skip the next one if you don't feel like it.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by Welshpixie
The other thing I did is decide that I don’t have to be happy for him and his new found sobriety and happy life with new girl friend and my aim is to just be indifferent (is this a bit like the detachment Inhear people on here speak of? I worked out I don’t need to be happy for him or resentful of him and if you have to force yourself to feel a certain way then I guess it’s a form of dishonesty.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Hi Welshpixie,
I can understand where you coming from completely. My STBAXH left our home coming up on 2 years now. He moved into his mother's house. Big mistake as they enable his drinking and poor decisions. Fast forward 2 years later, we are going through a divorce, he still is drinking, not consistently being a parent for our sons and found out a few months he has an co-worker older woman spending the night with him at his mother's house on the weekends. His life is exactly the same. I was feeling very resentful too but I think about this way "better her than me." For an alcoholic to truly change they have to give up alcohol entirely which in the case for your husband he hasn't done so. He found himself a new victim and is conditioning her to believe he is something he is not. But in time everything will come to light. In the meantime, I had when people tell me this but its true just try and focus on your own goals and wants out of life.
I can understand where you coming from completely. My STBAXH left our home coming up on 2 years now. He moved into his mother's house. Big mistake as they enable his drinking and poor decisions. Fast forward 2 years later, we are going through a divorce, he still is drinking, not consistently being a parent for our sons and found out a few months he has an co-worker older woman spending the night with him at his mother's house on the weekends. His life is exactly the same. I was feeling very resentful too but I think about this way "better her than me." For an alcoholic to truly change they have to give up alcohol entirely which in the case for your husband he hasn't done so. He found himself a new victim and is conditioning her to believe he is something he is not. But in time everything will come to light. In the meantime, I had when people tell me this but its true just try and focus on your own goals and wants out of life.
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