Blueskies18

I keep getting pulled back into problem solving mode with my AH. When he was drinking, I learned to stay on my side of the fence, sometimes offering support or encouragement, and not letting myself get frustrated when I was rejected. Then he went to rehab, and I changed into a person whose every decision revolved around him. He was doing lots of good things to help himself, I was joining, encouraging etc. But not exercising or spending time with my friends or with things I enjoy doing. Then I realized that I'm codependent AF and practiced self care strategies and felt much better. Now, I have a three week break from school ( which might be one reason why I'm not staying on my side of the fence again) and he is depressed. He goes to less meetings, hadn't responded to the people who have reached out to help him, is defensive and angry even if I just ask how he's doing, gets angry about the news, and is hard to live with. I'm trying to live my life, but I make suggestions (like today we are going to the gym and out for lunch like he used to do four times a week when he was in a better mood)

It's as if I can't generalize my recovery to different situations. I know how to detach with love when he's drunk, when he's drunk and depressed, when he's sober. And now I have a new one to learn about : sober and depressed. I was going to suggest a two week jujitsu class for him to try with my friend who is an instructor. But I'll leave it.

I'll try just one day at a time. Not going to think "what if..", not going to focus on looking forward to time with my friends next week. I'm going to enjoy today whether my AH feels better or not.

hearthealth

I also faced those days when I had to deal with his different phases. I think me suggesting activities discouraged H from doing the task. I would simply inform H that I'm free on Saturday and he can plan the day. He may not have any ideas in which case I just have my back up plan.

Blueskies18

That is just too simple! The simplest solutions are usually the best ones. H and I went out for breakfast earlier and he said pretty much exactly what you just said. Thank you

AnvilheadII

try for the next week to not SUGGEST anything...no hinting, nudging, off handedly mentioning.....just leave him to him.

Sailorgirl57

.

I can so relate to that. Should I be nice. Should I be firm. Should I think about him. Should I take care of myself. Should I blah blah blah.

I know when I start ruminating like that, it means I need a project. Something I love, something positive, something I can focus on outside of myself. Even better if it’s slightly hard, a challenge.

I will plan a trip by myself. Sew myself a new skirt. Paint a room. Do genealogy. Binge watch Absolutely Fabulous. Can salmon. Plant a garden. Do a knitting project. I just signed up for two aromatherapy classes at the college. What the heck? After a while I get so engrossed and engaged in what I’m doing that all the ruminating falls by the wayside. Is there some fun, juicy challenging project you can start today?

Love and hugs from Sailor ⚓️

Blueskies18

Yes sailor girl !! Great advice

I'm writing lists for myself. Good news is I started my masters in Sept. This was my first weekend of three weeks off. It's also three weeks to purge, run and hike, and finish a sweater I've been knitting.

Ladybird579

he is depressed. He goes to less meetings, hadn't responded to the people who have reached out to help him, is defensive and angry even if I just ask how he's doing, gets angry about the news, and is hard to live with.

Is he sober tho? It maybe why he has gone downhill if he's drank again. I think tho drinking or not is immaterial to how you are feeling. I think it must be so hard living in the same house as an alcoholic in recovery. I've never actually had to as my exah never was but the 8 hours a day he hadn't got any alcohol inside him he was a misery. If you are not careful life becomes one long papering over the ever widening cracks exercise in which it become harder and harder to function alongside their stuff. I hope you find some peace among it all.

Blueskies18

See, because I felt sorry for myself, and we had a discussion this morning, we went out for breakfast, then he suggested a hike. It was beautiful in the mountains, our dogs were hilarious. I could see his mood improve, then when he got home, he mowed the lawn and now he's joking around with our daughter and teasing me because I had a fight with the central vacuum. He definitely has been uplifted from getting outside and maybe our talk. I don't need reinforcement like this! and I'll still stay quiet, no suggestions, one day at a time...

FireSprite

Just my take on this - this part reads to me like you're still treating your recovery as an if-this-then-that type of process.

The difference came for me when I removed everyone & everything as a qualifying reason for my recovery & just decided to tackle it as a Whole Life Change without regard to each independent dysfunction. My reactions are ALWAYS mine so I got a lot farther when I stopped trying to separate my recovery from my Life.... they are basically the same thing.

I shared about it all here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...uper-long.html (It's All About Me - One Year Later (super long))

AnvilheadII

great share, firesprite. Whole Life Change. succinct yet powerful!

Blueskies18

I just read this! Thank you for sharing. I'm going there soon I hope. Yesterday I wrote in my diary: no more self-discovery/learning-about-what's-wrong-with-me books. Less thinking about the problems. Just house cleaning, recipes, Micheal Singer, and alanon stuff for a while. And lists of self-care strategies which include making my surroundings more comfortable. Did you make up that term "Whole Life Change"?

hopeful4

I feel for you.

My XAH is a depressed person. Frankly, dealing with addiction was a piece of cake compared to when he was in a very depressed state. Carve out time to take care of yourself.! I am so sorry!

FireSprite

I guess so, lol? Glad it resonates for you...... I just got really tired of always having external "reasons" & it occurred to me that it was a subconscious way for me to never own my actions fully - I was basically giving myself an "out", however passively. It was because of OTHERS that I am/need/do (fill-in-the-blank)... it started to make me feel like a hamster on a wheel that would never stop moving & also never get anywhere. Every time I hit a wall it was easy to exclaim internally, "it's not my fault, I didn't DO this!".

That moment was my demarcation of taking back my personal power in recovery - it didn't matter how or why I had become this person, what mattered was who I was on my way to being & how I could positively influence my DD to start earlier down this same path for herself.

NYCDoglvr

It's called living in the solution instead of the problem. It's amazing how a shift in perspective can transform our day because it really is one day at a time.