Well known stages of a spree
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
Well known stages of a spree
The problem- I can't control my drinking and addictive sexual behaviour!
Step 1!
It's ramping up at such a rate of intensity now it's mesmerising!
The solution-
Tomorrow 12 or so hours from now
I'm driving 1 hour to my sponsors house then we are coming back to mine because it's private here and I am going to take steps 1 2 and 3 we've brought it forward a week because of how defenceless I am.
Then I will be straight onto my 4th.
I've been so so sick with active addiction
Drugs are beginning to creep back in also.
So for me there is no other way I've tried it all!
In SAA and AA with a sponsor he's 3 and a half years sober.
And I need to make sure I do it effectively I've tried the steps twice before but this time it's different for me because of the realisation I can't ever tame ir satisfy that addictive hunger it just keeps relentlessly feeding off me more more more until I'm absolutely smashed to a pulp!
It is a symptom I've been told of a deeper problem...
Low self worth
Lonliness
Self pity
Self seeking
Shame
A spiritual malady
I need people I need help I'm taking my self to that help tomorrow before I'm another statistic.
This evening I go through yet another withdrawal I can feel the closeness of my creator or Jesus or love I just know it's here with me.
Now it's up to me to do the work.
Do or die!
I have to live I want to live.
Tonight I'm choosing life!
And I'm getting g the help from another addict who's sober.
Thank God!
Step 1!
It's ramping up at such a rate of intensity now it's mesmerising!
The solution-
Tomorrow 12 or so hours from now
I'm driving 1 hour to my sponsors house then we are coming back to mine because it's private here and I am going to take steps 1 2 and 3 we've brought it forward a week because of how defenceless I am.
Then I will be straight onto my 4th.
I've been so so sick with active addiction
Drugs are beginning to creep back in also.
So for me there is no other way I've tried it all!
In SAA and AA with a sponsor he's 3 and a half years sober.
And I need to make sure I do it effectively I've tried the steps twice before but this time it's different for me because of the realisation I can't ever tame ir satisfy that addictive hunger it just keeps relentlessly feeding off me more more more until I'm absolutely smashed to a pulp!
It is a symptom I've been told of a deeper problem...
Low self worth
Lonliness
Self pity
Self seeking
Shame
A spiritual malady
I need people I need help I'm taking my self to that help tomorrow before I'm another statistic.
This evening I go through yet another withdrawal I can feel the closeness of my creator or Jesus or love I just know it's here with me.
Now it's up to me to do the work.
Do or die!
I have to live I want to live.
Tonight I'm choosing life!
And I'm getting g the help from another addict who's sober.
Thank God!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
God do I need people to help me.
There is so much emotional pain and distress inside of me
And my willfulness has become like a reverse polarity
An ever tightening spiral of silent despair!!
I can't fix me
But by getting connected and Involved with other fellowship members and of course my sponsor guiding me through the steps
I'll be able to live a decent sober life and hopefully help others do the same.
It means a lot to me when people respond to my posts because I always talk from my heart on here and I know others do the same.
Thank you I really appreciate it.
I was a dying man that's my gift of desperation!
I don't ever have to go back to that hell!
Short bursts of pleasure and drunkenness
Then extended time periods of disempowered demoralisation.
I'm going to stop ripping myself of!
There is so much emotional pain and distress inside of me
And my willfulness has become like a reverse polarity
An ever tightening spiral of silent despair!!
I can't fix me
But by getting connected and Involved with other fellowship members and of course my sponsor guiding me through the steps
I'll be able to live a decent sober life and hopefully help others do the same.
It means a lot to me when people respond to my posts because I always talk from my heart on here and I know others do the same.
Thank you I really appreciate it.
I was a dying man that's my gift of desperation!
I don't ever have to go back to that hell!
Short bursts of pleasure and drunkenness
Then extended time periods of disempowered demoralisation.
I'm going to stop ripping myself of!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
In bed exhausted can't make the trip to my sponsor because I'm not well enough the withdrawal is kicking right in on me last drink was around 10 ish last night
It's the pits
I spoke to my sponsor got to call him again later.
My body is sore sore!
Water water water and rest.
I'm giving it my all!
G
It's the pits
I spoke to my sponsor got to call him again later.
My body is sore sore!
Water water water and rest.
I'm giving it my all!
G
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Ghoster, I'm glad you made it back. I was thinking of you.
Why don't you get some medical help? No need to suffer.
I think you're really intelligent but you use your intelligence to fool others and yourself.
This isn't about finding friends to ease loneliness - though you will make friends if you are authentic. I hope you'll throw yourself into actual honest recovery.
Why don't you get some medical help? No need to suffer.
I think you're really intelligent but you use your intelligence to fool others and yourself.
This isn't about finding friends to ease loneliness - though you will make friends if you are authentic. I hope you'll throw yourself into actual honest recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
Yeah I use my intelligence to my own detriment and that of my family.
I just want some peace!
I want the easier softer way!
Obviously it's futile!
Every time it's on me to drink and act out I nurture and feed it and crumble into it!
Anyway all i can do is keep at it
Keep re-applying myself, keep connected to others in recovery and hopefully the penny will drop of how important it is for me to abstain from my self seeking addictive behaviours.
I know it all but I don't commit myself courageously enough it's like yummy here comes the highs and rushes!
I 'll never work it out .
I've been told to focus and act on recovery pursuits wholeheartedly
I do for short periods of time then something in me which isn't being addressed effectively 're emerges
Like a narcissistic stronghold that demands attention.
It feels stronger than me
Anyone experienced this crazed inner lunatic?
I'm on an addicts recovery platform so I know others have, it's the nature of the beast!
How did you summon the strength to overcome it again and again and again and get some decent sober time on your clock?
For me because of my sexaholism/alcoholism/smoking combination. I'm a non smoker sober!
The effect is beyond words.
But no matter the payoff
It's making me miserable and in danger of death.
So one day at a time all I can do is persist in my efforts, keep listening to others
And never give up!
I now am planning to go to my sponsors next Saturday to do steps 1 2 and 3.
I need to learn to differentiate between what my will Power can actually be channelled into to keep me sober opposed to how I'm currently using it to destroy myself.
Prime problem has to be some sub conscious attitude or rage toward both my deceased father and my stunted emotional development.
A kind of numbness/self loathing and I'm trying to prove it to myself repetitively to reinforce the negativity
Why?
Why won't I allow myself the permission to get well?
I need to really tackle this mindset!
Dad is dead for over 30 years now!
I just want some peace!
I want the easier softer way!
Obviously it's futile!
Every time it's on me to drink and act out I nurture and feed it and crumble into it!
Anyway all i can do is keep at it
Keep re-applying myself, keep connected to others in recovery and hopefully the penny will drop of how important it is for me to abstain from my self seeking addictive behaviours.
I know it all but I don't commit myself courageously enough it's like yummy here comes the highs and rushes!
I 'll never work it out .
I've been told to focus and act on recovery pursuits wholeheartedly
I do for short periods of time then something in me which isn't being addressed effectively 're emerges
Like a narcissistic stronghold that demands attention.
It feels stronger than me
Anyone experienced this crazed inner lunatic?
I'm on an addicts recovery platform so I know others have, it's the nature of the beast!
How did you summon the strength to overcome it again and again and again and get some decent sober time on your clock?
For me because of my sexaholism/alcoholism/smoking combination. I'm a non smoker sober!
The effect is beyond words.
But no matter the payoff
It's making me miserable and in danger of death.
So one day at a time all I can do is persist in my efforts, keep listening to others
And never give up!
I now am planning to go to my sponsors next Saturday to do steps 1 2 and 3.
I need to learn to differentiate between what my will Power can actually be channelled into to keep me sober opposed to how I'm currently using it to destroy myself.
Prime problem has to be some sub conscious attitude or rage toward both my deceased father and my stunted emotional development.
A kind of numbness/self loathing and I'm trying to prove it to myself repetitively to reinforce the negativity
Why?
Why won't I allow myself the permission to get well?
I need to really tackle this mindset!
Dad is dead for over 30 years now!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
How did you summon the strength to overcome it again and again and again and get some decent sober time on your clock?
i surrendered- admitted alcohol had me licked.
then decided i wanted what the program had to offer, became willing to go to any lengths for it, and got into action- even when i wasnt feeling good.
i read the big book daily. over and over and over.
along with going to meetings and praying and working the steps.
i surrendered- admitted alcohol had me licked.
then decided i wanted what the program had to offer, became willing to go to any lengths for it, and got into action- even when i wasnt feeling good.
i read the big book daily. over and over and over.
along with going to meetings and praying and working the steps.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
yeah.
I didn't get past my father leaving and then dying on my 16th birthday (How Dare He????) for about twenty-five years either.
One day I just wrote him a letter spilling it all out. I was sick of feeling sick and sorry for myself about it.
I took that letter to the beach, tied it onto a helium balloon and let it go. (Sorry, Environment.)
That was it for me. I was done suffering with it.
Maybe try some therapy? That got me started on the right path.
I didn't get past my father leaving and then dying on my 16th birthday (How Dare He????) for about twenty-five years either.
One day I just wrote him a letter spilling it all out. I was sick of feeling sick and sorry for myself about it.
I took that letter to the beach, tied it onto a helium balloon and let it go. (Sorry, Environment.)
That was it for me. I was done suffering with it.
Maybe try some therapy? That got me started on the right path.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
Thanks
I can hear the truth.
Just back from dog walk
And I thought to myself I'm trying to prove a point here
Something to prove...
It's pointless it will kill me.
I'm trying to show to the world or the very tiny piece of it that I inhabit just how fkn damaged I am how bad it was how nobody protected me how now the perpetrators dead i will just continue to disempower and reduce myself to a joke of a man!
I'm not having that!
That's not who i am
No way!!
G
I can hear the truth.
Just back from dog walk
And I thought to myself I'm trying to prove a point here
Something to prove...
It's pointless it will kill me.
I'm trying to show to the world or the very tiny piece of it that I inhabit just how fkn damaged I am how bad it was how nobody protected me how now the perpetrators dead i will just continue to disempower and reduce myself to a joke of a man!
I'm not having that!
That's not who i am
No way!!
G
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Therapy when you’re ready.
First things first...stop drinking.
Here in the gay community sex addiction is often linked to alcohol and other substance addiction. Historically gay male culture centered around bars, as historically many churches and other social groups were not friendly or welcoming, the closet played a huge part in the addiction cycle for older gay men. The meth epidemic hit hard and early as well, nearly always linked to sex. E and hookups plays a huge role in the giant circuit parties. So many had to relearn sober sex entirely.
However this is hardly limited to the gay community. You may need to separate and tease apart sex and drinking, as either can trigger the other.
Get medical help if you can to get you through the detox.
First things first...stop drinking.
Here in the gay community sex addiction is often linked to alcohol and other substance addiction. Historically gay male culture centered around bars, as historically many churches and other social groups were not friendly or welcoming, the closet played a huge part in the addiction cycle for older gay men. The meth epidemic hit hard and early as well, nearly always linked to sex. E and hookups plays a huge role in the giant circuit parties. So many had to relearn sober sex entirely.
However this is hardly limited to the gay community. You may need to separate and tease apart sex and drinking, as either can trigger the other.
Get medical help if you can to get you through the detox.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
My sponsor is a really great resource now for me.
SR is a place I find safe and nourishing!
No drink today
What a difference
The usual 72 hour discomfort phase of withdrawal. But I'm doing alright.
My eyes, my vision gets affected after and during sprees and i have the usual constricted flow state in my body where everything feels like it's been restricted somehow strangled like an all over circulation tightness.
I had disturbing hallucinations last night as well, freaked me out!
I read recently in a recovery book that to recover and maintain sobriety it has to be based upon- ' Enlightened self interest'
And you have to ' Want to do it because it is the Right thing to do'
And so wrong to continue!
These two things hit me hard because my initial reaction was numbness, I could intellectualise the words but I struggled to emotionally own them.
I've been seeking help for my illness for over 25 years in one way or the other intermittently. My persistence has to pay dividends eventually.
I'm still here and I'm still fighting!
The context in which I use 'fighting' is not in reaction to my mental addictive obsession that has to be dealt with I believe with surrender acceptance and humility.
Need to ask for help talk share act move!
I mean 'Fighting in the sense of Me motivation, keeping myself aware awake and alert as to the fatal nature of the problem and not getting lazy and complacent. The fight to keep my Will strong and healthy!!!
I need others who are on the path with me to help me do that. Whether they are sober or struggling makes little difference to me, what matters is i get a vibe of warriorship from them a commitment of endurance at all costs to find a keep sobriety!
Peace out brothers and sisters.
G
SR is a place I find safe and nourishing!
No drink today
What a difference
The usual 72 hour discomfort phase of withdrawal. But I'm doing alright.
My eyes, my vision gets affected after and during sprees and i have the usual constricted flow state in my body where everything feels like it's been restricted somehow strangled like an all over circulation tightness.
I had disturbing hallucinations last night as well, freaked me out!
I read recently in a recovery book that to recover and maintain sobriety it has to be based upon- ' Enlightened self interest'
And you have to ' Want to do it because it is the Right thing to do'
And so wrong to continue!
These two things hit me hard because my initial reaction was numbness, I could intellectualise the words but I struggled to emotionally own them.
I've been seeking help for my illness for over 25 years in one way or the other intermittently. My persistence has to pay dividends eventually.
I'm still here and I'm still fighting!
The context in which I use 'fighting' is not in reaction to my mental addictive obsession that has to be dealt with I believe with surrender acceptance and humility.
Need to ask for help talk share act move!
I mean 'Fighting in the sense of Me motivation, keeping myself aware awake and alert as to the fatal nature of the problem and not getting lazy and complacent. The fight to keep my Will strong and healthy!!!
I need others who are on the path with me to help me do that. Whether they are sober or struggling makes little difference to me, what matters is i get a vibe of warriorship from them a commitment of endurance at all costs to find a keep sobriety!
Peace out brothers and sisters.
G
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
Getting some juice in my tank
My dream is to be a recovered human being dedicating his life to helping others
And praying for the assholes as I go!
Seeing them as sick people and rising above their petty tyranny!!
Oh and as well as the number 1 priority...
SLIP
Sobriety
Loses
Its
Priority
Keep sobriety priority don't slip anymore Mr G!!
I need to start laughing again
Watch some healthy comedy!
I've been so sick in my own life as a result of addiction. I could have said that 15 years or more ago but in recent times OMG!
Just terrifying!
It's trap was set to keep me down
Main drivers:
Core toxic shame
Self revulsion
Self loathing.
These disgusting emotions are rooted in childhood/adolescent programming!
I'm on my way out
I'm apprehensive but I'm determined and I am letting a few people in close to guide me.
Trust I have to trust them!
From🖤
To💛
G
My dream is to be a recovered human being dedicating his life to helping others
And praying for the assholes as I go!
Seeing them as sick people and rising above their petty tyranny!!
Oh and as well as the number 1 priority...
SLIP
Sobriety
Loses
Its
Priority
Keep sobriety priority don't slip anymore Mr G!!
I need to start laughing again
Watch some healthy comedy!
I've been so sick in my own life as a result of addiction. I could have said that 15 years or more ago but in recent times OMG!
Just terrifying!
It's trap was set to keep me down
Main drivers:
Core toxic shame
Self revulsion
Self loathing.
These disgusting emotions are rooted in childhood/adolescent programming!
I'm on my way out
I'm apprehensive but I'm determined and I am letting a few people in close to guide me.
Trust I have to trust them!
From🖤
To💛
G
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Originally Posted by Ghoster18 
My eyes, my vision gets affected after and during sprees and i have the usual constricted flow state in my body where everything feels like it's been restricted somehow strangled like an all over circulation tightness.
Eye issues are a classic sign of Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome, other wise known as wet brain. The other two are gait/walking issues and cognitive issues, including short term memory lapses.
I had all three, mildly, when I entered rehab, and have some lingering neurological damage as a result. But you don't need to have all three or even two, and eye issues are a big indicator.
If you get full-on wet brain you will be handicapped for the rest of your short life, and there's no recovery. If you stop now, you'll probably have no long term effects.
YOU DON'T WANT THIS DISEASE.
It could very well be something else, but WK is NOTHING you want to chance.
If that isn't an incentive to stop drinking, I don't know what is.
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