Detachment & Working on Me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 43
Detachment & Working on Me
I read Codependent No More, and have been detaching and working on myself. My AH even said the other day that I had been a lot more chill and cool about his drinking. I guess me not saying anything about it makes him think I'm good with it! He had said back in September he would cut down his drinking and give me one sober night. I think that lasted two weeks. He is drinking more and more. 18-22 beers every night he is home. I found 2 botles of whiskey and a bottle of vodka under his side of the bathroom sink I was just trying to find some toilet paper! I was shocked! I didn't know he was drinking hard liquor. This was Sunday, and I didn't say anything. My crazy codependent self looked Wednesday and yeasterday. Both bottles were empty and they were both half full. So, in two days he drank them and the man is at work from 3pm-1am. I'm not sure if he drank them before, during or after work. This is the last straw! In the past he has always drank on his three days off but I guess now it isn't enough. Im tired of being the only one in this marriage, I'm tired of it all. Do I confront him about the hard liquor or let it go? I need to set you some boundaries I think it is it too late?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,001
Good job Chevfb at that working on yourself.
You have probably heard that boundaries are for you not for him. Just knowing that you are not okay being married to someone who drinks this much is a great boundary. He might be perfectly fine with drinking this much and you aren't.
It is usually recommended to start working on a plan based on what you want. Could you leave? Would you be okay staying a bit longer? If he promises again to cut back would that be enough? How about if he goes to rehab?
Get as clear as you can about what you need to be happy in the future and then tiny step by tiny step work to get there.
Keep posting and let us know how it goes.
You have probably heard that boundaries are for you not for him. Just knowing that you are not okay being married to someone who drinks this much is a great boundary. He might be perfectly fine with drinking this much and you aren't.
It is usually recommended to start working on a plan based on what you want. Could you leave? Would you be okay staying a bit longer? If he promises again to cut back would that be enough? How about if he goes to rehab?
Get as clear as you can about what you need to be happy in the future and then tiny step by tiny step work to get there.
Keep posting and let us know how it goes.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
So, what is your plan going forward? It appears he has no interest in not drinking. I guess the question must be for you. What can/do you plan to tolerate, or not. And then what steps will you take?
Therapy and Alanon or Celebrate Recovery would give you great face to face support.
Remember they are like naughty children, so say what you mean.....and mean what you say.
Big hugs.
Therapy and Alanon or Celebrate Recovery would give you great face to face support.
Remember they are like naughty children, so say what you mean.....and mean what you say.
Big hugs.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Chev......some of the principles that you will learn about in recovery circles, literature, etc., may be very hard, at first, to wrap your head around and apply to your own situation.....
The whole idea of detachment and not helicoptering and nagging. checking,etc....is not to change h is behavior. It is to save your energy in doing things that don't work, anyway...and, to avoid a lot of futile, stupid, useless conflict and arguments.....conflict that just further, wears you out.....
It doesn't mean to avoid reality hitting you in the face (in my interpretation)....
It doesn't mean that you just go "deaf and dumb".....
This is where the making of boundaries that protect yourself are so important....they protect you from the consequences of the drinking.....
Another thought---he knows that he is drinking more....you know that he is drinking more....he knows that you don't want him to drink more...So, what is the point in monitoring him and then pointing it out...and, arguing about it?
You might feel like he is "getting by with something"....and, he might, delightedly, feel that way , too....but he is, in reality, getting by with nothing. His behaviors will, ultimately have natural consequences. Actions have consequences for all of us....
The whole idea of detachment and not helicoptering and nagging. checking,etc....is not to change h is behavior. It is to save your energy in doing things that don't work, anyway...and, to avoid a lot of futile, stupid, useless conflict and arguments.....conflict that just further, wears you out.....
It doesn't mean to avoid reality hitting you in the face (in my interpretation)....
It doesn't mean that you just go "deaf and dumb".....
This is where the making of boundaries that protect yourself are so important....they protect you from the consequences of the drinking.....
Another thought---he knows that he is drinking more....you know that he is drinking more....he knows that you don't want him to drink more...So, what is the point in monitoring him and then pointing it out...and, arguing about it?
You might feel like he is "getting by with something"....and, he might, delightedly, feel that way , too....but he is, in reality, getting by with nothing. His behaviors will, ultimately have natural consequences. Actions have consequences for all of us....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
With my XABF I tried the whole detaching thing and decided it was not in my best interest to keep loving an alcoholic. The ongoing hurt and stress and anger were damaging to me. I ended up breaking up with him.
Before I broke up, however, I tried begging him to stop. He said he would stop. As it turns out he kept drinking, but then lied to cover it up. That was the last straw for me. Lying means I can’t trust him. What is left after trust is gone?
Before I broke up, however, I tried begging him to stop. He said he would stop. As it turns out he kept drinking, but then lied to cover it up. That was the last straw for me. Lying means I can’t trust him. What is left after trust is gone?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
My feeling is that if he's at this stage of alcoholism he won't stop, just get more cunning about hiding it. It's already happened in the sense that last time he offered a night off and may even have tried it, but couldn't keep it up. As a former A, I understand that it can be shocking to find you can't go even one night without a drink when you thought it would be so easy.
Sounds like he's highly dependent if he's drinking openly then topping up with spirits. Stopping suddenly may bring on dangerous withdrawal conditions. Not to scare you, but they can be life-threatening unless medically supervised.
Boundaries designed to tackle his drinking aren't appropriate here. You have some decisions to make regarding the future, where you see yourself in 5 years time, or even 1 year.
If you're burning to tell him you found the bottles at least wait until he's relatively sober. Don't expect it to have any effect on his drinking, but putting it out there might take some of the pressure off you. If you can, keep it factual and detached.
You could start thinking about your finances and keeping all options open by sensible preparations. This might include putting together a private fund in case you need to leave. If you don't it won't have done any harm.
Sounds like he's highly dependent if he's drinking openly then topping up with spirits. Stopping suddenly may bring on dangerous withdrawal conditions. Not to scare you, but they can be life-threatening unless medically supervised.
Boundaries designed to tackle his drinking aren't appropriate here. You have some decisions to make regarding the future, where you see yourself in 5 years time, or even 1 year.
If you're burning to tell him you found the bottles at least wait until he's relatively sober. Don't expect it to have any effect on his drinking, but putting it out there might take some of the pressure off you. If you can, keep it factual and detached.
You could start thinking about your finances and keeping all options open by sensible preparations. This might include putting together a private fund in case you need to leave. If you don't it won't have done any harm.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Chev.....I would like to underline something that FeelingGreat just said. It is about requiring or forcing a person who is fairly far along in the disease....especially, anyone who is drinking large amounts of alcohol in consecutive days....In general, the older the person and the greater number years of total years is an added factor (in addition to general state of health)....
Stopping oral intake of alcohol for such a person ca bring on very dangerous and extremely uncomfortable symptoms, within a number or hours.....
It can bring on DTs and withdrawl seizures,skyrocketing blood pressure (which can be very dangerous within itself--like stroke and heart attack, etc.), confusion, severe anxiety and panic attacks...to name a few of the more common ones.
As someone who has detoxed many, many alcoholics...I never want an al coholic to stop suddenly drinking without some medical supervision. At least, a doctor visit and some properly prescribed medications to take during the wit hdrawl period...for some, a medical person may recommend that it be done within a medical facility....
Chev...I realize that you may already be aware of this....but, a lot of people read these threads, and they may not be aware.
A non alcoholic may not realize how difficult it may be for some alcoholics to go several hours without drinking......real, physical reasons/symptoms that they have no control over...no matter how much they may want to avoid drinking.....
I just think that non-alcoholic friends and family need to know this information, so that they don't unwittingly, place expectations on the alcoholic that they cannot live up to.....
As with any situation in life, safety first needs to always be the first priority.....
LOl...I don't mean to preach---just to inform......
Stopping oral intake of alcohol for such a person ca bring on very dangerous and extremely uncomfortable symptoms, within a number or hours.....
It can bring on DTs and withdrawl seizures,skyrocketing blood pressure (which can be very dangerous within itself--like stroke and heart attack, etc.), confusion, severe anxiety and panic attacks...to name a few of the more common ones.
As someone who has detoxed many, many alcoholics...I never want an al coholic to stop suddenly drinking without some medical supervision. At least, a doctor visit and some properly prescribed medications to take during the wit hdrawl period...for some, a medical person may recommend that it be done within a medical facility....
Chev...I realize that you may already be aware of this....but, a lot of people read these threads, and they may not be aware.
A non alcoholic may not realize how difficult it may be for some alcoholics to go several hours without drinking......real, physical reasons/symptoms that they have no control over...no matter how much they may want to avoid drinking.....
I just think that non-alcoholic friends and family need to know this information, so that they don't unwittingly, place expectations on the alcoholic that they cannot live up to.....
As with any situation in life, safety first needs to always be the first priority.....
LOl...I don't mean to preach---just to inform......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 43
Thank you all for replying. I don't expect him to quit, I was just hoping he would cut back. He is only home three days out of the week, and gets so drunk those days. I thought he wasn't drinking the other days he was working, but this week proved me wrong. So frustrating and just a sad situation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 43
I got my own bank account a few weeks ago preparing for the future. I do feel sneaky having it, but I just squash that little bit of guilt down and keep making deposits in it! We have quite a bit of money in our savings. When I leave can I just take half of it? I mean it's my money too, and he is very odd about money so I know he wouldn't just hand it over to me without the courts getting involved.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 43
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
My feeling is that if he's at this stage of alcoholism he won't stop, just get more cunning about hiding it. It's already happened in the sense that last time he offered a night off and may even have tried it, but couldn't keep it up. As a former A, I understand that it can be shocking to find you can't go even one night without a drink when you thought it would be so easy.
Sounds like he's highly dependent if he's drinking openly then topping up with spirits. Stopping suddenly may bring on dangerous withdrawal conditions. Not to scare you, but they can be life-threatening unless medically supervised.
Boundaries designed to tackle his drinking aren't appropriate here. You have some decisions to make regarding the future, where you see yourself in 5 years time, or even 1 year.
If you're burning to tell him you found the bottles at least wait until he's relatively sober. Don't expect it to have any effect on his drinking, but putting it out there might take some of the pressure off you. If you can, keep it factual and detached.
You could start thinking about your finances and keeping all options open by sensible preparations. This might include putting together a private fund in case you need to leave. If you don't it won't have done any harm.
Sounds like he's highly dependent if he's drinking openly then topping up with spirits. Stopping suddenly may bring on dangerous withdrawal conditions. Not to scare you, but they can be life-threatening unless medically supervised.
Boundaries designed to tackle his drinking aren't appropriate here. You have some decisions to make regarding the future, where you see yourself in 5 years time, or even 1 year.
If you're burning to tell him you found the bottles at least wait until he's relatively sober. Don't expect it to have any effect on his drinking, but putting it out there might take some of the pressure off you. If you can, keep it factual and detached.
You could start thinking about your finances and keeping all options open by sensible preparations. This might include putting together a private fund in case you need to leave. If you don't it won't have done any harm.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I would strongly suggest you consult an attorney regarding what is legal in your state with finances and divorce.
Most attorneys will offer a free consult to discuss the process of divorce and what you can expect financially to walk away from the marriage with.
I would not suggest you just take the $ without legal advice.
Most attorneys will offer a free consult to discuss the process of divorce and what you can expect financially to walk away from the marriage with.
I would not suggest you just take the $ without legal advice.
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