Partner going sober
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 7
Partner going sober
My partner drinks about 40 units every single night. He barely even seems tipsy! He wakes up for work every morning and is generally lovely to be around.
For the last 2 years I have accepted his addiction and his limited attempts to 'cut down' purely because his drinking doesn't impact my life.
HOWEVER
I recently found out I was pregnant and I have drawn a line. I have said no alcohol at all or we simply can't raise a child together.
We both want a baby and are in a good position to start a family all bar his drinking.
He has now done 3 days alcohol free and although I'm proud of him I feel I'll equipped to regulate his alcohol intake. Am I being too harsh? Doing too much too soon??
He had been irritable, tearful and overwhelmed but not had any physical withdrawal symptoms. His sleep is slowly improving.
Is there a proper way to do this? I don't want to make things too hard or worse for him.
For the last 2 years I have accepted his addiction and his limited attempts to 'cut down' purely because his drinking doesn't impact my life.
HOWEVER
I recently found out I was pregnant and I have drawn a line. I have said no alcohol at all or we simply can't raise a child together.
We both want a baby and are in a good position to start a family all bar his drinking.
He has now done 3 days alcohol free and although I'm proud of him I feel I'll equipped to regulate his alcohol intake. Am I being too harsh? Doing too much too soon??
He had been irritable, tearful and overwhelmed but not had any physical withdrawal symptoms. His sleep is slowly improving.
Is there a proper way to do this? I don't want to make things too hard or worse for him.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 78
Willingness
I guess my first question is.....is he truly wanting this change? Completely accepted that he's an alcoholic?
Unfortunately, unless he truly wants to change and acknowledges the addiction, it is not likely to be permanent. Is he expressing interest in AA meetings or getting some counseling maybe?
Unfortunately, unless he truly wants to change and acknowledges the addiction, it is not likely to be permanent. Is he expressing interest in AA meetings or getting some counseling maybe?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Hi Abbiegrace. I noticed you posted on SR last year and at that time said you were going to go to Alanon. Did you ever go? At the top of this forum is stickies to many articles and information about alcoholism and what it entails for you as the partner of an alcoholic. It would help to go to Alanon too if you haven't already started. Learning about alcoholism will help you work out what you are up against.
feel I'll equipped to regulate his alcohol intake.
It is not your role to regulates what he drinks. What he drinks, if he stops or not is entirely up to him. Your role is to decide how you want to live and what you want and decide if you need to put boundaries in place if he continues to drink. If you are OK with a baby in the situation? It is unlikely he will stay sober without a lot of help. It is up to him to get it..not you.
feel I'll equipped to regulate his alcohol intake.
It is not your role to regulates what he drinks. What he drinks, if he stops or not is entirely up to him. Your role is to decide how you want to live and what you want and decide if you need to put boundaries in place if he continues to drink. If you are OK with a baby in the situation? It is unlikely he will stay sober without a lot of help. It is up to him to get it..not you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 200
Hello, congratulations on your pregnancy! Personally I would say that this is YOUR time now, time to think about how you need to avoid stress as much as possible, nurture that baby inside you and get as much support as you can. Your partner will only stop drinking if he wants to and if he gets help but probably that’s the kind of help you can’t give him alone. I’d get as much info as possible on AA meetings etc print off some of the sticky posts on here about recovery maybe, give them to him and tell him it’s his responsibility now to look after the two of you. (You and your baby!) I hope you have other family and friends to support you because it’s going to be a bumpy ride but stay strong and put yourself first.
My AH didn’t give up drinking for any of my pregnancies and was even drunk in the nights leading up to my going into labour when he knew he might have to drive me 5 miles to the hospital at a moments notice. He is also a happy drunk and goes all soppy and mellow when drunk but he’s grumpy and critical when dry. Easy to see why we don’t encourage the latter when it makes life hell.
Good luck and keep posting x
My AH didn’t give up drinking for any of my pregnancies and was even drunk in the nights leading up to my going into labour when he knew he might have to drive me 5 miles to the hospital at a moments notice. He is also a happy drunk and goes all soppy and mellow when drunk but he’s grumpy and critical when dry. Easy to see why we don’t encourage the latter when it makes life hell.
Good luck and keep posting x
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
He has now done 3 days alcohol free and although I'm proud of him I feel I'll equipped to regulate his alcohol intake.
I suspect that if he was thinking straight, he would want to make sure to take care of you and the kid before he thought of himself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 7
Thanks everyone. I understand I'm taking a huge risk here and I really am worried about it. It's a huge deal breaker for me in all honesty - as in, if he can't be sober I won't even have the baby. So I guess my question then becomes - should I terminate the pregnancy now if I can't control/trust what he drinks... It's a lot to think about so avoiding stress isn't seeming like an option right now 
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Don't know about terminating the pregnancy, but I would say you definitely can't control it (I've tried many, many times), but trusting is another issue. I don't think alcoholics are trustworthy - except the fact you can trust that they WILL continue to drink. Words mean nothing, what they DO is what counts.
I would be a millionaire if I got a dollar for every time my AW said she was going to: cut back, moderate, stop, not drink that night, etc. I trust nothing except what she does do, because the words no longer have value.
I would be a millionaire if I got a dollar for every time my AW said she was going to: cut back, moderate, stop, not drink that night, etc. I trust nothing except what she does do, because the words no longer have value.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
AbbieGrace.....Would you be open to making an appointment with a pregnancy counselor and a gynecologist to talk over your entire situation? (asap).....
While we can be supportive...none of us can predict if he will ever drink again....for sure
And, we cannot advise you whether to continue the pregnancy or not....
But, there are experienced professionals who can counsel you and offer support for whichever choice you make....
While we can be supportive...none of us can predict if he will ever drink again....for sure
And, we cannot advise you whether to continue the pregnancy or not....
But, there are experienced professionals who can counsel you and offer support for whichever choice you make....
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I don’t think anyone here can predict if your partner will stay sober or not.
And no one here can tell you what to do about your pregnancy, that is your own personal decision.
I think dandylion has the best advice in talking to a pregnancy counselor and a gynecologist. I do know hormones are crazy during this time, so reasoning things out with a professional can really help.
And no one here can tell you what to do about your pregnancy, that is your own personal decision.
I think dandylion has the best advice in talking to a pregnancy counselor and a gynecologist. I do know hormones are crazy during this time, so reasoning things out with a professional can really help.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
should I terminate the pregnancy now if I can't control/trust what he drinks...
That's a drastic "solution" but not a solution at all really cos it means if you stay with him you can never, ever have a child. If you want him sober before you
have one alcoholics are not noted for getting sober and definitely not cos WE want them too. They do not do it for any reason except they decide to be sober..not for us, a baby, their parents, health anything....You will be waiting forever with this man for that to happen.
I cannot tell you what to do but if it were me...and it kind of was cos I had twin boys with my exah and he never did get sober so we eventually divorced. I'd be thinking more on the lines of making sure I was not with him when the baby is born if you really want this child and planning my life around being a single mom for the time being. However Dandy is right...we are not in your shoes and cannot tell you how to proceed so maybe talking it over with a trained councillor is a good idea? ((massive hugs sweetie)) it's not easy.
That's a drastic "solution" but not a solution at all really cos it means if you stay with him you can never, ever have a child. If you want him sober before you
have one alcoholics are not noted for getting sober and definitely not cos WE want them too. They do not do it for any reason except they decide to be sober..not for us, a baby, their parents, health anything....You will be waiting forever with this man for that to happen.
I cannot tell you what to do but if it were me...and it kind of was cos I had twin boys with my exah and he never did get sober so we eventually divorced. I'd be thinking more on the lines of making sure I was not with him when the baby is born if you really want this child and planning my life around being a single mom for the time being. However Dandy is right...we are not in your shoes and cannot tell you how to proceed so maybe talking it over with a trained councillor is a good idea? ((massive hugs sweetie)) it's not easy.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by Abbiegrace 
My partner drinks about 40 units every single night. He barely even seems tipsy! He wakes up for work every morning and is generally lovely to be around.
For the last 2 years I have accepted his addiction and his limited attempts to 'cut down' purely because his drinking doesn't impact my life.
HOWEVER
I recently found out I was pregnant and I have drawn a line. I have said no alcohol at all or we simply can't raise a child together.
We both want a baby and are in a good position to start a family all bar his drinking.
He has now done 3 days alcohol free and although I'm proud of him I feel I'll equipped to regulate his alcohol intake. Am I being too harsh? Doing too much too soon??
He had been irritable, tearful and overwhelmed but not had any physical withdrawal symptoms. His sleep is slowly improving.
Is there a proper way to do this? I don't want to make things too hard or worse for him.
For the last 2 years I have accepted his addiction and his limited attempts to 'cut down' purely because his drinking doesn't impact my life.
HOWEVER
I recently found out I was pregnant and I have drawn a line. I have said no alcohol at all or we simply can't raise a child together.
We both want a baby and are in a good position to start a family all bar his drinking.
He has now done 3 days alcohol free and although I'm proud of him I feel I'll equipped to regulate his alcohol intake. Am I being too harsh? Doing too much too soon??
He had been irritable, tearful and overwhelmed but not had any physical withdrawal symptoms. His sleep is slowly improving.
Is there a proper way to do this? I don't want to make things too hard or worse for him.
People stop for a variety of reasons. I know Ive seen several posts from people who said they stopped because of parenting goals. I know for sure Ive seen moms post about stopping when they found out they were pregnant.
If he doesn't want to stop then you will probably know before long.
And even if he does want to stop, he could find it difficult, might slip back, etc. And then he might need to reach out for some help through a doctor, counseling, etc.
I was pregnant when my husband was in early recovery and had a lot of ups and downs. It was a stressful time with soo many thoughts about soo many things. Please make sure you take good care of yourself physically and emotionally. It helped me when I was able to share with close family/friends who knew me well, and I also found a therapist to talk to which was helpful.
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