KRM33

Hello there,

My live-in boyfriend is coming home tomorrow from rehab and I'm a little nervous. I know that his recovery is in his own hands and that there isn't anything I can do to control the situation. However, I would still like to learn how to help while avoiding enabling. One thing I would like to know is, are there common signs for when someone might fall off the wagon? I would at least like to learn so that I can bring it to his attention or suggest going to a meeting with him. Any suggestions or information would be greatly appreciated though.

Wamama48

Others with more experience and wisdom will be along with help, but for now I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what brought you here, but welcome to the forum.

Bekindalways

KRM33 I sure can sympathize with your longing to help. I think we all have felt this way; however most of us have found that setting good boundaries, taking care of ourselves and staying on our own side of the street is the most helpful thing to do. It is really counter-intuitive but by letting him work his own recovery, fall off the wagon or not, you pay him the immense compliment that he can do it even if he slips or is really not ready for sobriety.

In the best case scenario, he will find a supportive group that understands what it is like to be an alcoholic in the first year of sobriety. You and I have never walked this path. We have our own path that may be as difficult as the alcoholic's. We have to get honest with ourselves about staying out of others' problems.

Keep posting and let us know how you get on.

dandylion

KRM.....I am going to give you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. There are a lot...lol...about 100 of them. Enough for you to read and digest one ever single day. There is so much to know. Knowledge is power.....

In addition, I suggest that you read the very frequently recommended book..."Co-dependent No More"....It is an easy, good read...and, youcan get a cheap, used copy on amamzon.com...or, rent from the library....
If there is any abuse in the relationship...I can recommend a better book for you to read, first.....(let me know).....

As Bekindalways pointed out....it is going to seem against the ususal logic, for a partner to get their head around....but, he doesn't need you help in managing his recovery matters.....he will have his own people for that....his group members..and sponsor, and counselor. They are better situated to help him, than you....and, he will accept it better from them than you. The best thing that you can do is to just not be obstructive and not enable him.
You are going to need all of your energy for yourself....trust me o n that...lol.
You need to gather all the support that you can for yourself.
The first months....and the first year of early recovery can be a very difficult transitional time for both partners....and, that is an understatement, in general.
It can be worse than the active drinking period, n some cases......
Keep posting...keep educating yourself, and channel as much energy and attention on yourself and your children as you can.....
His journey is going to be a very personal one......

Remember that nothing you do or don't do is going to be the real cause of relapse.....so, you don't need to walk on eggshells, or handle him with kid gloves....if he relapses...that is on him to handle....
You would benefit a lot from your own support group.....it will help you handle your own set of emotions and can teach you a lot about how to not enable and to form your own protective boundaries.....

Here is that link......
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (About Recovery)

(you an also find the library in the "sickies"at the top of the list of threads)...

Sleepyhollo

Honestly I think there isn’t much you can or should do to help. This is his fight to fight. I think it will be very easy continue the codependent streak by trying to help. I think the best thing you can do is be there for him but let him do his thing. RecovEry should be his focus and that may mean you get put on the back burner for while (again....since that probably happened during his active addiction) and that can be hard to swallow for most people. Learn all you can about addiction. No need to bring anything to his attention if you think he is falling of the wagon. You mostly need to stay out of it. Don’t ask him if he shouldn’t go to a meeting and stuff like that,. That should be completely self driven without your input. He needs to do this. I was at a point where I was ready to walk out when I gave him an ultimatum (he happened to be very close to being ready to quit himself which is why it worked) and so our relationship wasn’t good anyway. Rehab made it worse and I quit talking to him for the most part. I was dreading him coming home and I did not welcome him home with open arms or lots of praise on his accomplishments. Quite the opposite. I’m not saying you need to be a bitch obviously (since presuming,y your relationship is not in a bad place) but my RAH admitted that if I had been my lovely pleasing enabling self when he had come home we would’ve more than likely fallen right back into th pe codependent trap. Me not wanting to have to do much with him forced him to do his own thing. And I think that’s an easy trap. Because you want him to succeed and you want to support him, but ther is a fine line between support and codependency (which most of us are that are with an addict so excuse my assumption about the codependency). If you want to support him by going to meetings with him from time to time I think some people do that. But I think you mostly need to take care of yourself and look at yourself (because most of us who are with addicts have personality that make us end up together...us the people pleaser and rescuer/caretaker. Read codependent no more, check out alanon and give him lots of space to work on himself because he will need it. My RAH was in rehab for 90 days and even though he had started to change he still had a long ways to go (as did I ). Early recovery is no cakewalk for them (or us ). They recommend 90 meetings in 90 days even after rehab and my H often went to 2 meetings a day when he could. So if he is really doing this right he will be pretty busy with his recovery.
Learn all you can about addiction and set boundaries for,yourself. I realized I didn’t know diddly squat about addiction, I wish would have. And don’t think that once he is out of rehab it will be puppies and rainbows “now that he is clean” because it is really only the beginning. But if you know that that is normal it will probably make it easier to accept. (I naively thought that once he quit drinking things would be fine, I don’t know why because it never was the other times he quit....and I also didn’t realize how much I myself had to change).
Hang in there, stick around here and you will learn a lot and also know that you’re not the only one going through this, lots of us here to commiserate

Wamama48

What Dandy lion said here......You are going to need all of your energy for yourself....trust me o n that...lol.
You need to gather all the support that you can for yourself.
It can be worse than the active drinking period, n some cases......

It might not be that way for everyone, but it is for many. For me, it actually was worse than when he was drinking. You're emotions that you didn't realize you had been stuffing because you were so focused on dealing with his alcoholism, might come exploding out.

I had no idea at all that I even felt certain ways until he quit. For example, I hated him for what he put us through. I mean full out 100% hated him. I had zero love for him, no compassion, just rage and hate. I had to leave the house twice in a months time because I was actually going to punch him.

Maybe you won't feel as strongly, maybe you will have different emotions come out. Just be prepared and remember, there is no wrong feeling. Get help for you right away, you will need it when the dam breaks.

aliciagr

I think the best thing to do is to actually discuss this with your boyfriend. You could read stories from many people here, but the dynamics of your relationship, and the particulars of your boyfriends recovery plan will most likely dictate what type of support he would appreciate, and also what types of things you would feel comfortable with. (for example I did attend some meetings with my husband, and later we did family therapy, we were ok talking about recovery topics and such. These things may make some people uncomfortable, so I think its very much an individual decision).

There are some suggestions for family members who want to support recovery. Do a google on alcohol use disorder and look up info for treatment/recovery/family and friends. It usually talks about how valuable family support can be, and has some suggestions. There is no right or wrong as long as it works for the both of you.

Do you think you were enabling your boyfriends addiction before rehab?

For me recovery basically means a person has to get back to a normal life, sharing in the normal responsibilities of a home, with financial responsibilities and such. I should be able to rely and depend on my husband physically and emotionally. If I begin to lower my expectations and see him as an unequal partner who needs to be cut too much slack, or cared for.. then something is out of whack. (I felt it was ok to make adjustments just as I would if my partner was recovering from another medical/psychological illness and needed time to focus on self, therapy, and such).. but long haul.. enabling for me would mean I lower my standards and expect/accept less.

As I understand it, a relapse happens through thoughts, emotions, feelings before a person takes the action. So what you are saying makes perfect sense... Its important to know that you are not responsible to keep him sober - that's his responsibility - but... I can share - as part of my husbands recovery plan he had worked with the therapist to identify some of the pre-cursors We actually did talk about these in one of our family sessions because like other medical issues, family can often sense something is off, and just say hey, how are you feeling , etc. So I personally think its a thoughtful approach to take but I would just ask him.

Oh one more thing.. these are things that you don't want to begin to obsess over.. I was told by my therapist to make sure I focused on my own self care, doing things I enjoy, make sure I have healthy boundaries in place that protect my values, beliefs, personal identity, safety, etc. If I began to feel like I HAVE to do things, I MUST do things because he NEEDS me too and is not capable...I feel like Im sacrificing for him...etc. then this would be a sign I need to stop and take a closer look at my own emotional health. I don't ever want to be in the caretaker or babysitter role.

Good Luck tomorrow.

KRM33

Thank you, Wamama48. I plan to keep learning and I appreciate the support.

The relationship we have is very strong, however can be emotional abusive when his under the influence. Mostly, I have set my boundaries and am trying to figure out where I fit in in all of this. I think the first year and a half I was an enabler. I used to drive him to the store because "he needed it" and I used to make excuses for him about why he wouldn't want to go to family events. Now, we are on year three and I don't enable. I stand my ground and I take care of myself. However, going to Al- Anon, it gives me the impression that I have to live a life separately from him. Which I don't understand. I'm 23 and he is 28 and we have our whole live ahead of us. I don't feel trapped or guilty, but I stay because I'm in love with who he is and I get excited when I think about our life together. When he isn't drinking, he is my perfect man. With that said, it's hard for me to understand how to live with him, but how to live almost emotionally detached from him. Right now, my focus is to learn and take care of myself, and figure out where I fit in in his world while he works on sobriety.

dandylion

KRM....I don't think that the point is to become totally detached from your partner.....it is just to disentangle yourself in the ways that Matter.....to become disemeshed where it is dysfunctional or stifles individualism....
No helicoptering....no monitoring....no controlling....Stuff like that....

Every relationship is different...and each alcoholic and partner are at different stages in their journeys....so...it is hard to compare one to another....
More will be revealed as time unfolds.....

biminiblue

Let's say (for instance) that you are 150 pounds overweight. Of course I don't know you so this is hypothetical.

Suppose you decide to lose weight. You find a weight-loss support group to help you do that. You join a gym. You pay for twenty sessions of a Personal Trainer's help. You get a Dietician. You have all this in place.

Now imagine your BF is watching you do all this. What kind of "support" would work for you? Would it be, "Hey, you've been a little down lately. Maybe you need to get to the gym," or, "I saw you looking at that chocolate cake at the wedding yesterday. You're not gonna get fat again are you?" Or would it be more helpful for you if he just left you to it without judging every grocery trip and every cookie and every time you chose to stay in bed instead of going to the gym at o'dark thirty?

In my case, I do NOT take well to having a significant other tell me what to do or to try to read my mind and explain to me that it looks like I've been thinking about brownies. Because maybe I have been thinking about brownies, and it's hard to not think about brownies. But I'm doing my best at the moment, and maybe I'm not losing five pounds per week, but I'm doing my best.

Just - - put yourself in his position. Any suggestions or suspicions should be shared with anyone other than him. It just will blow up in your face if you try to be his counselor, trust me.

This is why we say, "Get to an Al Anon meeting." It's not your job to watch over him, but you do have understandable fears and worries and you do need somewhere to unpack them in a safe environment with people who understand. If you try to tell your friends and family about this, they may be less than understanding - because they aren't in a similar situation. People in Al Anon can relate how they made it through this. I hope you'll go.

dandylion

KRM.....one little observation...."figure out where I fit in his world, while he works on his sobriety"....Also, that should work the Other way, too.
"figure out where He fits in Your world, while you work on yourself"...
I know that that looks like a small distinction...but, it is really big......

Ladybird579

I would prepare yourself that if you bf is serious about his recovery your relationship will be the last thing in his priorities and doing your own thing and detaching from his stuff will be vital or you may feel sidelined and rejected when he is busy with his sponsor and at..what will seem like.... endless meetings. His recovery focus will be the most important thing to him and will be for months, years to come. Many advise a year apart during this time so you can both focus on your own issues.

are there common signs for when someone might fall off the wagon?

There are a few but the timescale on if they happen varies. In my exah case he didn't follow up his treatment with after care, support or get a sponsor so he quickly started drinking again. Some start a recovery program and relapse but there is no yardstick for how long that might take ..if at all. It's a hard part of being the partner of an addict that we are/or in my case were always waiting for the shoe to drop.

atalose

Living your own life as in not giving up the things you enjoy or want to do to baby sit an alcoholic. Not attending family events because you fear the A will drink or cause a scene. These are the types of things we do when we are living life around their addiction and not living our own separate life.

I’ve never heard anyone in Al-anon say detach emotional from the A what I have heard is detach with love from the addiction. Meaning don’t get your own emotions wrapped around their drinking or thinking you have anything to do with their drinking or cause it or can control it or cure it. They don’t drink at us and when we take their drinking personally we have not detached ourselves from their addiction.

Yes, they act as they did when they were drinking. They lie, they manipulate, they are not honest and they are sneaky. Their stories don’t add up and they somehow blame you for things that you know is not your fault.

If he relapses he already knows he’s relapsed so bringing it to his attention with expectations that he’ll just jot off to a meeting and get back on track is you trying to force solutions to an issue that you have no control over. A healthier approach for yourself would be in setting a boundary for yourself regarding relapse and how you will handle that for you. Will you step back and away from the relationship allowing him space to figure out what direction he’s going to go in. Besides “helping” him with HIS addiction what DO YOU want for YOU?

NYCDoglvr

In rehab he will know all about AA and hopefully go to meetings but you shouldn't think of going with him. He must take those steps alone to stay sober; it all depends on his honesty and willingness. I recommend Alanon for you.

tomsteve

i want to add something to this- something i had to happen to me and had to work on myself:
not doing for him what he can do for himself.