Ventured into dating and I am a mess

Old 04-11-2018, 03:29 PM
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Ventured into dating and I am a mess

Hi everyone. It's been awhile since I posted. It's now been 2 years since my XAH and I separated. During that time, I felt like I had really made strides in my own recovery from codependency and my own self-esteem.

A couple of weeks ago, I decided that it was time for me to venture into the world of dating. I started with a couple of the free online dating apps (those that you swipe left and right.)

Well, it's only been a couple of weeks and I feel like I am a complete mess! I find myself feeling upset and rejected when someone doesn't write back. Or I jump ahead of myself and start thinking someone I'm chatting with is the perfect guy and start thinking about what our life could be like. I find myself thinking about these people and apps in an obsessive manner and overall, I just feel like I am a mess.

I guess that means I'm not ready to date? Not to toot my own horn, but I am a very attractive young lady who is regularly told by men that I am absolutely beautiful. I'm also smart, funny, well-educated with a great career (attorney). However, after starting this process, I'm realizing that my self-esteem is still extremely low. I can' t fathom how I am ever going to be able to be in a position to date and do so in a healthy way.
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Old 04-11-2018, 03:37 PM
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Don't be desperate to find someone. Do background checks and see someone a LONG time before you get serious.
People research a new car better these days than a spouse.
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Old 04-11-2018, 03:47 PM
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jada.....OMG....I tthink those sites are a formula for destroying self esteem.....
And, they aren't any more effective for attaining your goal that the time tested way that we have met and mated for all these millennia....
I have always found that one meets the right people when they are busy doing life....doing activities that you like...
You would probably do much better by going to meet-up groups that are focused around some activity. You can find them in a google search in just ab out every location. Since, you are an attorney, I am pretty sure that you w ill be located in or near an urban area.....
A beautiful (already confirmed as such...lol) woman with a good brain and a good personality and has her "stuff" together...shouldn't have much trouble finding acceptable men if you put a little strategic effort into it.....
No more swiping! It is not good for your mental health.
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Old 04-11-2018, 04:59 PM
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Those apps are a breeding ground for Narcs and addicts and cheaters. When you are ready, I am sure you will meet someone in a more organic manner, I myself am a few years out from trying to date (not even interested right now) but from what I've researched- dating should be fun and low stress lol.
If it is causing you anxiety/self doubt then it's not right.
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Old 04-11-2018, 05:06 PM
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Originally Posted by jada1981 View Post
Hi everyone. It's been awhile since I posted. It's now been 2 years since my XAH and I separated. During that time, I felt like I had really made strides in my own recovery from codependency and my own self-esteem.

A couple of weeks ago, I decided that it was time for me to venture into the world of dating. I started with a couple of the free online dating apps (those that you swipe left and right.)

Well, it's only been a couple of weeks and I feel like I am a complete mess! I find myself feeling upset and rejected when someone doesn't write back. Or I jump ahead of myself and start thinking someone I'm chatting with is the perfect guy and start thinking about what our life could be like. I find myself thinking about these people and apps in an obsessive manner and overall, I just feel like I am a mess.

I guess that means I'm not ready to date? Not to toot my own horn, but I am a very attractive young lady who is regularly told by men that I am absolutely beautiful. I'm also smart, funny, well-educated with a great career (attorney). However, after starting this process, I'm realizing that my self-esteem is still extremely low. I can' t fathom how I am ever going to be able to be in a position to date and do so in a healthy way.

Hi jada

I have not read the thread yet, but I would stay away from the free sites. My friend was using them (still is now that she knows what to look for) and there are so many scammers and players on them. If you want to try to date via an online site, I would consider a paid one but also remember there are some types on there too but not as much.

Honestly, that whole way of finding someone seems bizarre to me. I guess it's my age. Whatever happened to the produce section.
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Old 04-11-2018, 05:07 PM
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I've just recently thought about dating as well. I have been separated from my AXH for almost 2 years as well and going through a divorce. He already has moved on (surprise, surprise). I have also tried the online dating app. I was into for about a day then I realized it wasn't for me. I just keep telling myself that God will put the perfect man for me right in my path. I would suggest to just be patient (even though it's hard) and let destiny take it's course.
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Old 04-11-2018, 05:11 PM
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I would stay far, far away from dating apps....some of the paid sites don't sound too bad. Don't be in any hurry; to less than decent men that stinks of desperation, which is easily exploitable. Decent men don't want a "desperate" woman. Surely being an attorney would provide social networking opportunities ?
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Old 04-11-2018, 05:33 PM
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I started over at 53 when AH died.

The swipe-right-or-left site, I thought was for NSA hookups. No?

This is what I observed about my own journey. When I was feeling lonely and desperate, the ads or profiles I wrote for myself stunk. When I was busy with work or friends and activities, I could scribble out a great ad in ten minutes.

Originally Posted by Eauchiche View Post
People research a new car better these days than a spouse.
I had a list of deal-breakers. It didn't make things harder. It made things easier. Once I saw a deal-breaker, I knew that was the end. I didn't have to waste another cup of coffee/beer/evening with someone who wasn't going to ever get a divorce/was a smoker/ wanted a polyamorous relationship.

Bottom line, I had to fix in my head the idea that I was going to be okay if I never found a partner. If I did find someone, that would be icing on the cake.
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Old 04-12-2018, 04:27 AM
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I guess that means I'm not ready to date? Not to toot my own horn, but I am a very attractive young lady who is regularly told by men that I am absolutely beautiful. I'm also smart, funny, well-educated with a great career (attorney). However, after starting this process, I'm realizing that my self-esteem is still extremely low. I can' t fathom how I am ever going to be able to be in a position to date and do so in a healthy way.

It takes time and working on yourself to be ready and once you are you will no longer care. I a m 4 years post divorce and 9 post separation and I am only just getting to the point of thinking about it...maybe ... cos am not that interested in the idea of a relationship anymore. I've filled my life with other things and am possibly too selfish now lol cos for the first time in my life I put myself and my disabled adult sons, who live with me, first. I've never used internet dating cos it sounds horrible and very hit and miss but people come along when you least expect them.

I did work out in the early days of becoming healthy tho that the more I focused on the idea of another relationship the longer it took for me to become healthy. It acted like a block to personal growth. I had to let it go completely to be able to become enough in myself and be happy as just me without the crutch of another human to "complete me".
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Old 04-12-2018, 05:28 AM
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Before marrying AW, I did use some online dating sites, and met some nice ladies. Nothing worked out long-term, but usually be communicating online and via phone prior to meeting, it was easy to filter out the ones who didn't seem to 'fit'. I will admit I did go thru some of the same things you mentioned, jada.

Now, after the divorce is finally final with AW, I'm not sure what my immediate path will be, but I would like to date again. That I will be a single dad will probably afford me less opportunities to get out and mingle, so I met head back to the online scene.

Best of luck to you. I do agree with others not to focus on this aspect of life, just let it be. Also, maybe look inward and ask why you need to have someone validate who you are - I'm certain you are a wonderful person in your own right, so be happy with you and all that you are.

COD
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Old 04-12-2018, 07:43 AM
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What’s that joke………….

On a first date how do you know you are dating a codependent - because they show up with a U-Haul!! lol

But it can be true, we tend to map out our whole future with people that we don’t really even know yet.

We have to learn how to date in healthy ways, know when to cut someone loose when it’s not working. Not be afraid to tell them you no longer wish to date them. See the red flags for the warnings they are and not as signs that someone needs us to help them, fix them or mend their lives.

Maybe I am old fashion where I actually want to meet someone face to face right from the start and not over some old outdated picture online and Mr. Wonderful messages and phone calls – you know that saying – if it’s too good to be true it probably is.
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Old 04-12-2018, 08:09 AM
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Yeah, atalose----Don't go fishing unless you are willing to throw some of them back..... lol....
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Old 04-12-2018, 09:29 AM
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Thank you everyone for your replies. It helps so much that others know exactly the challenges I am facing! My problem is I am attracted to the shiny objects..in this case the very good-looking guys who are extremely charming, but emotionally unavailable. And the nicer guys seem to "bore" me. I gotta get out of that habit! Not sure what I will do, but if anything, I am looking at this as a good chance for me to practice enforcing my boundaries.
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Old 04-12-2018, 10:25 AM
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Awe but not all shiny objects make good investments. All is not gold that glitters!!!

Could be the emotionally unavailable men are a challenge that you seek to win.

Could be you are repeating what you know. I would never have thought my Dad was emotionally unavailable but turns out I was wrong.

Could be you are mirroring that unavailability, feeling close to someone without having to risk your heart fully.

It’s worth investigating, maybe get some therapy to help you figure out why and then a plan to break the bad habit.
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Old 04-12-2018, 11:44 AM
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Originally Posted by jada1981 View Post
Thank you everyone for your replies. It helps so much that others know exactly the challenges I am facing! My problem is I am attracted to the shiny objects..in this case the very good-looking guys who are extremely charming, but emotionally unavailable. And the nicer guys seem to "bore" me. I gotta get out of that habit! Not sure what I will do, but if anything, I am looking at this as a good chance for me to practice enforcing my boundaries.
Yep, I'm downright boring!!! I'm too old to be a shiny object anymore!!
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Old 04-12-2018, 11:51 AM
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Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad View Post
Yep, I'm downright boring!!! I'm too old to be a shiny object anymore!!
Oh but that’s when we add vintage and antique words to the shiny object, adds so much more value!!!
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Old 04-12-2018, 02:48 PM
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Originally Posted by jada1981 View Post
Thank you everyone for your replies. It helps so much that others know exactly the challenges I am facing! My problem is I am attracted to the shiny objects..in this case the very good-looking guys who are extremely charming, but emotionally unavailable. And the nicer guys seem to "bore" me. I gotta get out of that habit! Not sure what I will do, but if anything, I am looking at this as a good chance for me to practice enforcing my boundaries.
I just want to remind you that this is what you previously did.....the fact that you are finding the same thing uncomfortable now and that all that shimmers is not gold is huge and a sign of your healing, not your illness.
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Old 04-12-2018, 03:49 PM
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^^ YEP! What LR said, exactly!!

My problem is I am attracted to the shiny objects..in this case the very good-looking guys who are extremely charming, but emotionally unavailable. And the nicer guys seem to "bore" me. I gotta get out of that habit!
You see this pretty clearly and that's such a great thing!! You list all of the feelings that come with being triggered to flop right back to your old self. YAY!! Thats a great thing! (remember when we didn't know we did that $h!t?!....ugg!)

I agree - dating sites totally suck....BUT....

You might be able to use your awareness, and the triggers from the dating sites to your advantage. I found that using them for a while did some pretty cool things for me...

because I could finally see where I was failing myself before (yes, I had some pretty heavy pulls towards my old ways too when I joined).

1 - they helped me learn to not take rejection personally - I don't love everybody, so why do I think everybody needs to love me?! And its actually a good thing when they don't respond to an initial reach out from you. That weeds them out FAST!
2 - they helped me learn to say NO - before even meeting someone, because I didn't want to be the type of person that just doesn't respond (just to the nice ones, obvs)....and hey....I got pretty good at it!
3 - they helped me practice saying nothing when I felt like there was nothing more to say and no further conversation could go on productively
4 - they helped me experience dates with an open heart, open mind, and eyes WIDE open for red flags...and without swooning over the first hottie to take an interest in me. I learned to take those fantasies off the table, and take each date and each meeting for what it actually is.
5 - they taught me to actually LISTEN to what men were telling me, and to pay attention to how they treated me and others. Anyone saying "I never want to get married again" or "i just want to have fun" or "insert complaint about the female sex here" or "I don't want anything serious" - I FINALLY HEARD IT!
6 - they have helped me practice SAYING when someone isn't right for me, and then ACTING on that....after 2, 5, or 30 dates....rather than just keeping dating someone because they like me, and that feels good.
7 - it helped me shift my mindset from seeing if I was the type of person that THEY want, to seeing if they are the type of person that I want.

So - maybe you need another break from dating. I did when I first tried. It's OK - there is A LOT of fun out there to be had solo or with friends and family!

Or - maybe you can rethink your reasons for being on those sites....and use them as a tool to correct some of your own shiny thing behavior, because you see it loud and clear, and that's half the battle.
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Old 04-12-2018, 04:11 PM
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I've done a bit more reading and realized I am an "anxious attachment" type. I found this article spot on: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/kyle-..._11342348.html

Especially this part: "When you met a secure lover, the messages you receive are honest, straightforward, and consistent. Due to the belief that they are worthy of love, secure lovers are not afraid of intimacy.

They don’t beat around the bush or play hard to get. Ambiguous messages and other behaviors that cause uncertainty, tension, and suspense in the relationship don’t exist.

Due to this, you feel rather calm around them. You believe they can’t be “the one,” because no emotional alarms are going off. Your life experiences have taught you that a calm attachment system is boring."

I know deep down I struggle with feelings of not feeling worthy of love, which I believe are a result of being raised by two ACOA who struggled with their own untreated codependency. I believe I seek out partners who mirror these messages to me...those who are avoidant attachment types.
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Old 04-12-2018, 04:31 PM
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jada.....have you ever looked into ACOA....Adult Children of Alcoholics organization....who, I understand, also people who grew up in any kind of dysfunctional families....?
I know that amazon.com carries the literature of that group as well as books and workbooks....
I am pretty sure, that if you never have...you could learn a lot about these dynamics that you are concerned about.....
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