Step 1 and grief
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 1
Step 1 and grief
This is my first post. I'm a newbie to ACA. In fact, while I've known I was an ACA for a few years now, I was very much in denial about how it impacts me now, in my adulthood. I hit my bottom about a week and a half ago, after developing such intense reactions of abandonment with my partner (a lot of co-dependance and enmeshment), that I reacted by breaking up with him over email. Over the past 8 months, he has been trying to establish more healthy boundaries, and I have been overcome with intense, overwhelming feelings of abandonment and despair, which just wouldn't subside. I also took on a strong hero role in my family, so I have been plagued with control, anxiety and productivity issues for many years. So, being overcome by such neediness and suicidal thoughts of despair was fairly new. These were all just repressed of course.
All that to say, I have FINALLY realized the ME in all this. My pain, my feelings, my behaviours, my reactions, my fears. Instead of blaming others. Finally. And sine last weekend (which was supposed to be our 9 year anniversary), i have been reading, writing and watching ACOA videos (Jerry Wise and Lisa Romano), and reading the ACA book.
Needless to say, I have finally understood what it means to come out of denial. And, wow. I have been overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, despair, unworthiness, anger and grief. I just cant stop writing. The overachiever in me says go, go, go (which I know isnt the best approach, but I feel such a need to get all this out), and I feel like I finally see my role in the alcoholic family, and have clued in to how manipulative and ongoing the dynamic is, how I was abused, how I unknowingly participated etc. Its not my fault, but wow, is it such an intense feeling of aha!
I have expressed all of this to my partner, who has been very supportive and caring, while also taking space, which was terrifying at first, but now feels oh so necessary. Im now struggling though with profound feelings of grief. Feelings I have never let myself feel. I have been doing a lot of inner child healing meditations and self validation (a totally new concept to me to be honest), and when doing this, I just completely break down with love and sadness and guilt for rejecting my inner child for all these years. But, finally, my hope is that with time we can walk together instead of fighting and resisting each other.
Needless to say, im completely unable to work (Im a researcher with deadlines). I keep sitting down at my desk and finding myself overwhelmed with grief and tiredness (I am usually a really active person with life long anxiety and insomnia issues, and I have never felt so tired in my life, as if all the cortisol that was pumping to keep me going, has suddenly stopped), and then I start struggling with feelings of guilt. That I need to try and work a bit, but, then try to practice self care, and let myself know that this process is necessary. I have been holding this in for 31 years. It feels big, transformational. Like, I for once just want to be by myself.
How long though should the grief process take, and what is reasonable for taking time off? I know I should be trusting my feelings here, but that feels so new to me, and I really don't know what is normal.
Any guidance or insight would be so so appreciated.
All that to say, I have FINALLY realized the ME in all this. My pain, my feelings, my behaviours, my reactions, my fears. Instead of blaming others. Finally. And sine last weekend (which was supposed to be our 9 year anniversary), i have been reading, writing and watching ACOA videos (Jerry Wise and Lisa Romano), and reading the ACA book.
Needless to say, I have finally understood what it means to come out of denial. And, wow. I have been overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, despair, unworthiness, anger and grief. I just cant stop writing. The overachiever in me says go, go, go (which I know isnt the best approach, but I feel such a need to get all this out), and I feel like I finally see my role in the alcoholic family, and have clued in to how manipulative and ongoing the dynamic is, how I was abused, how I unknowingly participated etc. Its not my fault, but wow, is it such an intense feeling of aha!
I have expressed all of this to my partner, who has been very supportive and caring, while also taking space, which was terrifying at first, but now feels oh so necessary. Im now struggling though with profound feelings of grief. Feelings I have never let myself feel. I have been doing a lot of inner child healing meditations and self validation (a totally new concept to me to be honest), and when doing this, I just completely break down with love and sadness and guilt for rejecting my inner child for all these years. But, finally, my hope is that with time we can walk together instead of fighting and resisting each other.
Needless to say, im completely unable to work (Im a researcher with deadlines). I keep sitting down at my desk and finding myself overwhelmed with grief and tiredness (I am usually a really active person with life long anxiety and insomnia issues, and I have never felt so tired in my life, as if all the cortisol that was pumping to keep me going, has suddenly stopped), and then I start struggling with feelings of guilt. That I need to try and work a bit, but, then try to practice self care, and let myself know that this process is necessary. I have been holding this in for 31 years. It feels big, transformational. Like, I for once just want to be by myself.
How long though should the grief process take, and what is reasonable for taking time off? I know I should be trusting my feelings here, but that feels so new to me, and I really don't know what is normal.
Any guidance or insight would be so so appreciated.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello Food4thought27, and welcome to our corner of recovery. This is a very small and quiet forum, the "regulars" check in about once a week so please don't feel ignored if it takes a few days to get replies to your questions.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Mike
Moderator, SR
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 958
Welcome, Food4Thought27.
I so appreciated reading what you wrote and I can relate to a lot of what you've written.
I've gone through a very similar experience. The 'aha' moment - good way to describe it.
I found the sorrow, grief, awareness ebbed and flow over time. I think the length of time is different for everyone and depends on so many factors.
Over time I began to welcome the deep and intense feelings and fully embraced them - which is the point at which they ceased being so intense.
Be kind to yourself.
sb
I so appreciated reading what you wrote and I can relate to a lot of what you've written.
I've gone through a very similar experience. The 'aha' moment - good way to describe it.
I found the sorrow, grief, awareness ebbed and flow over time. I think the length of time is different for everyone and depends on so many factors.
Over time I began to welcome the deep and intense feelings and fully embraced them - which is the point at which they ceased being so intense.
Be kind to yourself.
sb
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