Should I cut off my toxic parents?
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 5
Should I cut off my toxic parents?
First off, I want to apologize for the length of this post.
I have never posted on anything like this before but things are really starting to get bad with my family and I need some advice.
I'll start with my childhood. I honestly don't remember a whole lot from my childhood from under the age of about 8 I would say. Most of my memories from under 8 are little bits and pieces of gymnastics classes and spending time with my best friend that I had met when I was 4. The first really clear memories I have of my childhood is when I was around 8, 9 or 10, my mom would do some crazy things. I watched her push my older sister (who was about 13 at the time) up against the fridge and put her hands around her neck. I remember a lot of screaming, fighting, throwing things, cops being called or the threats of calling the cops between my parents. These kinds of things went on for a few years or so between those ages. I remember my mom taking my sister and I to a few different strange houses that were owned by people we didn't know with my best friend, her 2 older siblings and their mom, where our moms would disappear for a little bit while we just waited in the living room of these strange houses. After my mom getting kicked out of the house several times by my dad, and these kinds of fights and things happened so many times, I found out that I wouldn't really get to see my best friend anymore except just at school. I didn't find out until maybe a year or so later that it was because my mom had been doing meth with my best friend's mom for the years where things got super crazy, and my mom had quit cold turkey, so she says, because my dad had given her an ultimatum. Either him, and her daughters, or the drugs. She chose us. Keep in mind, while all of that was happening, my dad was a very heavy drinker. I realize that now, because of a few talks with my sister when we were teenagers, and just figuring it out as I got older.
The constant fighting and abuse didn't stop when my mom quit meth. My mom just switched to alcohol with my dad, then we had 2 alcoholic parents. I can remember my mom and dad constantly fighting with my sister. Especially my mom. They just NEVER got along when my sister was a teenager. At this point I was still within the 12 to 14 year range so I just tried to stay quiet as much as possible, but that didn't mean I didn't get into fights with them too. I wasn't the best at school, and at one point my parents transferred me to a different school because they didn't like the friends I had, so in my 8th grade year they transferred me. I had one friend at that school that I did gymnastics with, which was great, but I still missed my old school and my old friends. Around this time, according to my mom, I was very hard to handle and a very difficult child. Her and my dad would make jokes about how I was actually the planned child, and they still think I'm so hard to handle and such a difficult child, and my mom would even go as far as saying I was the reason why she smoked. They said all of these things, according to them, because I complained about wanting to switch back schools, and I complained about gymnastics and the pains that came along with it. I loved gymnastics very much and I was very competitive in it up until my freshman year of highschool. For about 6 months I had began complaining A LOT to my mom about some back pain I was having. She would always say the same thing, that I need to "suck it up" and keep going because gymnastics always gives me pain. After a couple months of that going on, she finally took me to a chiropractor where he had taken x-rays and told us that the little random piece off to the side of my spine was an "extra vertebrae" Well a few months, and adjustments later, and I had finally started to beg my mom for help, she took me to a back specialist out of annoyance of me, and we found out my S1 vertebrae had been broken all that time. So I had to quit gymnastics. As soon as I recovered, after a few months, My dad told me it was time for me to get a job. Which I did, and I agreed that I make some money. But I had always felt like me having to quit gymnastics was the end of their commitment to me. It may sound strange but I had always felt like it killed them more than it killed me. It was definitely very hard for me but it was almost like I had really lost my value to them. Throughout my high school years I had transferred back to my old school and back to the new school about 2 times each school, until I finally home schooled my junior and senior year. During that time the fighting, verbal abuse, yelling, screaming, calling names, you name it... had really amplified between my parents and I. My sister moved out right when she turned 18 and it was like I became the new main target. I can't even tell you how many times my parents, especially my dad, told me to (excuse my language) F*** off, shut the F up, etc. and called me so many names, such as a stupid B****. I can't remember a time in those years that my dad told me he was proud of me or that I was doing a good job. It's not like I was failing every class. I had a D a couple times in school but I was failing out of school. I felt like I was doing my best but I never really felt happy in my teenage years. Any time I would try to speak with my parents about this, which would always be at a certain time of day, because after about 3 to 4 PM I would lock myself in my room, or hopefully be at work. But I would attempt to talk to them about the pain I felt for the memories I had about my childhood, and the pain I felt about having to give up gymnastics, or about how I just can't focus in school and how hard it was for me, but every time I tried to they would tell me to shut up, that none of it was a big deal, that I'm making it a bigger issue than it is, that need to learn to let things go, that I need to forget about those things and move on, I think they used every way in the book to try and flip it and make me feel like it was my fault I was feeling that way. So, I eventually stopped trying to talk to them about those things.
I ended up graduating a semester early from high school all while being a nanny for my sister's first baby almost every single day. As soon as that happened my dad began putting a lot of pressure on me to "get out of the house" to move out and to leave, which created A LOT more arguments and fighting and screaming and calling names, ect. At the time, I didn't want to go to college, I was just done with school and honestly had no idea what to do with my life. I worked at a movie theater through the point I turned 19 and met the man I am engaged to now. (I'm 22 now by the way) around that time I had moved out to live in my sister's basement of the house her and her husband at the time had owned. Which turned out to be a disaster because my sister and I began not getting along as well because she refuses to take care of her own kids, but that's a different story.
I ended up moving out of her house and moving in with my fiance who was still my boyfriend at the time. Around this time I began going over to my parents house to help watch my sister's daughter and it began to turn into an every weekend drinking party. I began drinking with my parents. Especially, my dad. A lot of the time my parents would spend talking crap about my sister and what a horrible mom she is, and how they "don't know what went wrong with her", then once we would start fighting and I would go home, over the next couple days I would hear from my sister all the nasty things they said about me to her. This went on for about 2 years, and got so bad that it began causing problems between my dad and my mom because nobody else wanted to drink like we did. My sister had talked to me a few times about how she thought I was drinking with my dad to feel like I had a relationship with him and feel like I could be close to him. Which at this point I think is completely true. So, all of the same fighting, screaming, arguing was happening, except now my fiance was seeing it all for the first time. He never liked drinking that much so thank goodness for that, but he would always come to pick me up because I was drunk and crying and wanted to go home. And this would happen pretty much every weekend.
Last year, I believe around April, we found out that my sister had been cheating on her now ex husband. When this happened all hell broke lose in my family. My parents practically disowned my sister and had every horrible word and name in the book out to call her. It was a horrible and nasty situation and in September, in the midst of all of this, I began having severe anxiety and panic attacks along with depression. So, the first thing I did was quit drinking because the first attack I had was during a hangover, so it scared me. At one point the attack got so bad that I went to the hospital because I began to think something was medically wrong with me, and they had admitted me into a depression facility for 5 days. During the time I was in the hospital, my mom had called my fiance to tell him that she thinks he should break up with me because she thought what I was doing was fake and that it was bulls***. I found this out by my sister because my mom had called her to tell her the same thing. When I asked my fiance if that was true he said yes, but wouldn't even tell me the full extent of what she had said about me because it was such a nasty conversation and he didn't think I needed to hear that. Which I thank him for. Also, keep in mind that my sister doesn't tell me these things to have my back. She tells me in a way that makes me more upset.
After all of that happened I had been trying to make up with my parents and trying to make things better between the family. They have made up with my sister and her new boyfriend now and things between them always seem super great now. But my sister has to see them every day. I will go about a few weeks to a month without seeing them, then I will come over for a weekend because they invite me. Well, every time I go over to my parent's house, I drink with them. I don't know why either, because when I'm not over there I usually don't feel like drinking, or I'll have one drink and be done. But for some reason, over there I feel the need to just drink until I am drunk, with my dad. Which goes great until everyone starts fighting again. This is what makes me think I just want my parent's approval and am trying to do the one thing they like. At one point I thought that maybe I have an issue as well, but it just doesn't make sense because being over there is what makes me crave the alcohol, nowhere else.
Just this last weekend I had gone to my parents house because for the first time, my fiance and I were having an actual real fight about something that I had been trying to get him to change for a while. I didn't feel like he had been taking enough time to spend with me, and one day he had actually chosen spending the whole day with a friend of his playing games, instead of spending that one day with me. That's a whole separate story, but just so you know, I had told him I was staying at my parents house for a couple of days because I just needed some time because I wasn't feeling important enough to him. This WHOLE weekend my parents spent telling me how they knew he was like this all along and how horrible of a fiance he was, and how they thought I should break up with him. This is a man who I have been with for almost 3 years, we live together and have a dog together. We have plans for our future and we're getting married. This was the first time he had done something like this and I was just needed some support. That Sunday I decided I wanted to go home because I had missed him and I wanted to work things out. This made my parents COMPLETELY flip on me and started telling me how terrible I am, how I'm going to be miserable for the rest of my life and how weak I am, they also kept telling me how I take them for granted when they give me advice and "use them". It even extended to my mom saying she hopes I lose my job, when I feel like they should have been encouraging me to try and work it out and be happy. So I left, it's now Wednesday and I haven't heard anything from anyone. I'm sure they said all kinds of things to my sister about me, but nobody has even sent a text trying to pretend like nothing happened, which is what usually happens. But not even that this time. I feel like I have reached a point that I am tired of my family, especially my parents, making me feel like I am always the one that has done something wrong.
So, to sum up. My mom and my sister are drama queens, literally and pot stirrers no matter what situation it is or who it's about. My dad and my mom are alcoholics and have been for pretty much my entire life so far, and I don't see it ending any time soon. My own parents talk crap about me and my sister all the time. My own mom tells me things like she hopes I lose my job and tells my fiance to break up with me during my hard times. I just feel like nobody in my family is truly there for me and this last situation has really made me feel like this time it really feels like I have lost my parents and my sister.
I have been on and off for a couple of years thinking about joining the Air Force because it would really help me get through college debt free, and figure out a way I can move on with my life with my fiance. But I also have a part of me that still wants to stay, but I feel like I know that isn't right for me or my future or my future family.
Do you think I need to move away and cut my family out of my life if they're causing me this much grief and pain?
I have never posted on anything like this before but things are really starting to get bad with my family and I need some advice.
I'll start with my childhood. I honestly don't remember a whole lot from my childhood from under the age of about 8 I would say. Most of my memories from under 8 are little bits and pieces of gymnastics classes and spending time with my best friend that I had met when I was 4. The first really clear memories I have of my childhood is when I was around 8, 9 or 10, my mom would do some crazy things. I watched her push my older sister (who was about 13 at the time) up against the fridge and put her hands around her neck. I remember a lot of screaming, fighting, throwing things, cops being called or the threats of calling the cops between my parents. These kinds of things went on for a few years or so between those ages. I remember my mom taking my sister and I to a few different strange houses that were owned by people we didn't know with my best friend, her 2 older siblings and their mom, where our moms would disappear for a little bit while we just waited in the living room of these strange houses. After my mom getting kicked out of the house several times by my dad, and these kinds of fights and things happened so many times, I found out that I wouldn't really get to see my best friend anymore except just at school. I didn't find out until maybe a year or so later that it was because my mom had been doing meth with my best friend's mom for the years where things got super crazy, and my mom had quit cold turkey, so she says, because my dad had given her an ultimatum. Either him, and her daughters, or the drugs. She chose us. Keep in mind, while all of that was happening, my dad was a very heavy drinker. I realize that now, because of a few talks with my sister when we were teenagers, and just figuring it out as I got older.
The constant fighting and abuse didn't stop when my mom quit meth. My mom just switched to alcohol with my dad, then we had 2 alcoholic parents. I can remember my mom and dad constantly fighting with my sister. Especially my mom. They just NEVER got along when my sister was a teenager. At this point I was still within the 12 to 14 year range so I just tried to stay quiet as much as possible, but that didn't mean I didn't get into fights with them too. I wasn't the best at school, and at one point my parents transferred me to a different school because they didn't like the friends I had, so in my 8th grade year they transferred me. I had one friend at that school that I did gymnastics with, which was great, but I still missed my old school and my old friends. Around this time, according to my mom, I was very hard to handle and a very difficult child. Her and my dad would make jokes about how I was actually the planned child, and they still think I'm so hard to handle and such a difficult child, and my mom would even go as far as saying I was the reason why she smoked. They said all of these things, according to them, because I complained about wanting to switch back schools, and I complained about gymnastics and the pains that came along with it. I loved gymnastics very much and I was very competitive in it up until my freshman year of highschool. For about 6 months I had began complaining A LOT to my mom about some back pain I was having. She would always say the same thing, that I need to "suck it up" and keep going because gymnastics always gives me pain. After a couple months of that going on, she finally took me to a chiropractor where he had taken x-rays and told us that the little random piece off to the side of my spine was an "extra vertebrae" Well a few months, and adjustments later, and I had finally started to beg my mom for help, she took me to a back specialist out of annoyance of me, and we found out my S1 vertebrae had been broken all that time. So I had to quit gymnastics. As soon as I recovered, after a few months, My dad told me it was time for me to get a job. Which I did, and I agreed that I make some money. But I had always felt like me having to quit gymnastics was the end of their commitment to me. It may sound strange but I had always felt like it killed them more than it killed me. It was definitely very hard for me but it was almost like I had really lost my value to them. Throughout my high school years I had transferred back to my old school and back to the new school about 2 times each school, until I finally home schooled my junior and senior year. During that time the fighting, verbal abuse, yelling, screaming, calling names, you name it... had really amplified between my parents and I. My sister moved out right when she turned 18 and it was like I became the new main target. I can't even tell you how many times my parents, especially my dad, told me to (excuse my language) F*** off, shut the F up, etc. and called me so many names, such as a stupid B****. I can't remember a time in those years that my dad told me he was proud of me or that I was doing a good job. It's not like I was failing every class. I had a D a couple times in school but I was failing out of school. I felt like I was doing my best but I never really felt happy in my teenage years. Any time I would try to speak with my parents about this, which would always be at a certain time of day, because after about 3 to 4 PM I would lock myself in my room, or hopefully be at work. But I would attempt to talk to them about the pain I felt for the memories I had about my childhood, and the pain I felt about having to give up gymnastics, or about how I just can't focus in school and how hard it was for me, but every time I tried to they would tell me to shut up, that none of it was a big deal, that I'm making it a bigger issue than it is, that need to learn to let things go, that I need to forget about those things and move on, I think they used every way in the book to try and flip it and make me feel like it was my fault I was feeling that way. So, I eventually stopped trying to talk to them about those things.
I ended up graduating a semester early from high school all while being a nanny for my sister's first baby almost every single day. As soon as that happened my dad began putting a lot of pressure on me to "get out of the house" to move out and to leave, which created A LOT more arguments and fighting and screaming and calling names, ect. At the time, I didn't want to go to college, I was just done with school and honestly had no idea what to do with my life. I worked at a movie theater through the point I turned 19 and met the man I am engaged to now. (I'm 22 now by the way) around that time I had moved out to live in my sister's basement of the house her and her husband at the time had owned. Which turned out to be a disaster because my sister and I began not getting along as well because she refuses to take care of her own kids, but that's a different story.
I ended up moving out of her house and moving in with my fiance who was still my boyfriend at the time. Around this time I began going over to my parents house to help watch my sister's daughter and it began to turn into an every weekend drinking party. I began drinking with my parents. Especially, my dad. A lot of the time my parents would spend talking crap about my sister and what a horrible mom she is, and how they "don't know what went wrong with her", then once we would start fighting and I would go home, over the next couple days I would hear from my sister all the nasty things they said about me to her. This went on for about 2 years, and got so bad that it began causing problems between my dad and my mom because nobody else wanted to drink like we did. My sister had talked to me a few times about how she thought I was drinking with my dad to feel like I had a relationship with him and feel like I could be close to him. Which at this point I think is completely true. So, all of the same fighting, screaming, arguing was happening, except now my fiance was seeing it all for the first time. He never liked drinking that much so thank goodness for that, but he would always come to pick me up because I was drunk and crying and wanted to go home. And this would happen pretty much every weekend.
Last year, I believe around April, we found out that my sister had been cheating on her now ex husband. When this happened all hell broke lose in my family. My parents practically disowned my sister and had every horrible word and name in the book out to call her. It was a horrible and nasty situation and in September, in the midst of all of this, I began having severe anxiety and panic attacks along with depression. So, the first thing I did was quit drinking because the first attack I had was during a hangover, so it scared me. At one point the attack got so bad that I went to the hospital because I began to think something was medically wrong with me, and they had admitted me into a depression facility for 5 days. During the time I was in the hospital, my mom had called my fiance to tell him that she thinks he should break up with me because she thought what I was doing was fake and that it was bulls***. I found this out by my sister because my mom had called her to tell her the same thing. When I asked my fiance if that was true he said yes, but wouldn't even tell me the full extent of what she had said about me because it was such a nasty conversation and he didn't think I needed to hear that. Which I thank him for. Also, keep in mind that my sister doesn't tell me these things to have my back. She tells me in a way that makes me more upset.
After all of that happened I had been trying to make up with my parents and trying to make things better between the family. They have made up with my sister and her new boyfriend now and things between them always seem super great now. But my sister has to see them every day. I will go about a few weeks to a month without seeing them, then I will come over for a weekend because they invite me. Well, every time I go over to my parent's house, I drink with them. I don't know why either, because when I'm not over there I usually don't feel like drinking, or I'll have one drink and be done. But for some reason, over there I feel the need to just drink until I am drunk, with my dad. Which goes great until everyone starts fighting again. This is what makes me think I just want my parent's approval and am trying to do the one thing they like. At one point I thought that maybe I have an issue as well, but it just doesn't make sense because being over there is what makes me crave the alcohol, nowhere else.
Just this last weekend I had gone to my parents house because for the first time, my fiance and I were having an actual real fight about something that I had been trying to get him to change for a while. I didn't feel like he had been taking enough time to spend with me, and one day he had actually chosen spending the whole day with a friend of his playing games, instead of spending that one day with me. That's a whole separate story, but just so you know, I had told him I was staying at my parents house for a couple of days because I just needed some time because I wasn't feeling important enough to him. This WHOLE weekend my parents spent telling me how they knew he was like this all along and how horrible of a fiance he was, and how they thought I should break up with him. This is a man who I have been with for almost 3 years, we live together and have a dog together. We have plans for our future and we're getting married. This was the first time he had done something like this and I was just needed some support. That Sunday I decided I wanted to go home because I had missed him and I wanted to work things out. This made my parents COMPLETELY flip on me and started telling me how terrible I am, how I'm going to be miserable for the rest of my life and how weak I am, they also kept telling me how I take them for granted when they give me advice and "use them". It even extended to my mom saying she hopes I lose my job, when I feel like they should have been encouraging me to try and work it out and be happy. So I left, it's now Wednesday and I haven't heard anything from anyone. I'm sure they said all kinds of things to my sister about me, but nobody has even sent a text trying to pretend like nothing happened, which is what usually happens. But not even that this time. I feel like I have reached a point that I am tired of my family, especially my parents, making me feel like I am always the one that has done something wrong.
So, to sum up. My mom and my sister are drama queens, literally and pot stirrers no matter what situation it is or who it's about. My dad and my mom are alcoholics and have been for pretty much my entire life so far, and I don't see it ending any time soon. My own parents talk crap about me and my sister all the time. My own mom tells me things like she hopes I lose my job and tells my fiance to break up with me during my hard times. I just feel like nobody in my family is truly there for me and this last situation has really made me feel like this time it really feels like I have lost my parents and my sister.
I have been on and off for a couple of years thinking about joining the Air Force because it would really help me get through college debt free, and figure out a way I can move on with my life with my fiance. But I also have a part of me that still wants to stay, but I feel like I know that isn't right for me or my future or my future family.
Do you think I need to move away and cut my family out of my life if they're causing me this much grief and pain?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,980
Welcome Blschagl. I'm so glad you have found us. It sounds like your life has been super tough.
I have one sister with whom it became obvious that I couldn't have a relationship. This happened probably 10 years ago and cutting contact was really the right thing to do although super painful.
I know other people who have had to cut contact with parents specially when alcohol is involved.
Have you given Alanon a try or Adult Children of Alcoholics? Even if you cut contact with your family you will very likely carry the wounds of such a chaotic childhood.
Big hug to you lady. You sound brave and thoughtful.
I have one sister with whom it became obvious that I couldn't have a relationship. This happened probably 10 years ago and cutting contact was really the right thing to do although super painful.
I know other people who have had to cut contact with parents specially when alcohol is involved.
Have you given Alanon a try or Adult Children of Alcoholics? Even if you cut contact with your family you will very likely carry the wounds of such a chaotic childhood.
Big hug to you lady. You sound brave and thoughtful.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear blschlagel,
One big regret I have in life, is that I did not cut off my toxic Dad when he was still alive. I spent a lot of time in therapy just to deal with him. Perhaps he would have changed, had I cut him off.
I DID cut off both my sisters 1-1/2 years ago, who are toxic pot stirrers. I am sorry I cant have a relationship with them, but under the circumstances, this is not possible. My mental and emotional health is more important to me than surface relationships.
I am glad you came here. I hope we can be a support for you.
One big regret I have in life, is that I did not cut off my toxic Dad when he was still alive. I spent a lot of time in therapy just to deal with him. Perhaps he would have changed, had I cut him off.
I DID cut off both my sisters 1-1/2 years ago, who are toxic pot stirrers. I am sorry I cant have a relationship with them, but under the circumstances, this is not possible. My mental and emotional health is more important to me than surface relationships.
I am glad you came here. I hope we can be a support for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 5
Thank you for your response Bekindalways. I know it's really going to be hard cutting off my family but I just can't live like this anymore. I need to heal myself and be there for my fiance and our future family.
I have started talking with a therapist about all of this but I know it's going to be a long journey.
I will definitely look into the sources you mentioned.
Thank you for your kind words.
I have started talking with a therapist about all of this but I know it's going to be a long journey.
I will definitely look into the sources you mentioned.
Thank you for your kind words.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome to SR. This is a place of great support.
It's unfortunate, but the reality is, sometimes those you love are simply too toxic to have a relationship with. So you build relationships with others. You don't have to be blood to be family. It sounds like you need a good support system.
I encourage you to look seriously at the AirForce. This may be a golden time to go and build a future for yourself, while loving them from afar. When those you spend time with cause you more grief and chaos than positive emotions, it's time to take a look at the relationship and the things you can control. You cannot control anyone else's actions (it's a waste to even try), but you can control your own reactions and who you choose to have around you.
Keep posting, keep reading, you are not alone!
It's unfortunate, but the reality is, sometimes those you love are simply too toxic to have a relationship with. So you build relationships with others. You don't have to be blood to be family. It sounds like you need a good support system.
I encourage you to look seriously at the AirForce. This may be a golden time to go and build a future for yourself, while loving them from afar. When those you spend time with cause you more grief and chaos than positive emotions, it's time to take a look at the relationship and the things you can control. You cannot control anyone else's actions (it's a waste to even try), but you can control your own reactions and who you choose to have around you.
Keep posting, keep reading, you are not alone!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 5
Hi Eauchiche.
That's what I keep thinking as well, is that if I leave then maybe my parents will open their eyes. As of right now I'm not sure that will happen, but I hope so.
I am so sorry for your loss as well. That's one thing that really scares me about my dad as well and I think is a reason I stay. I feel like I might feel a lot of guilt if I do leave and while I'm away, if he were to pass away, I don't know how I would handle that. But like you said for yourself, my mental and emotional health needs to become my first priority.
Thank you.
That's what I keep thinking as well, is that if I leave then maybe my parents will open their eyes. As of right now I'm not sure that will happen, but I hope so.
I am so sorry for your loss as well. That's one thing that really scares me about my dad as well and I think is a reason I stay. I feel like I might feel a lot of guilt if I do leave and while I'm away, if he were to pass away, I don't know how I would handle that. But like you said for yourself, my mental and emotional health needs to become my first priority.
Thank you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 5
Thank you hopeful4.
I know that the Air Force would be a really good idea just not necessarily the easiest one, but I think it will take us where we need to be and where I need to be. And thank you for the kind words and the quote.
I know that the Air Force would be a really good idea just not necessarily the easiest one, but I think it will take us where we need to be and where I need to be. And thank you for the kind words and the quote.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,980
Blsch, I'm so very glad to hear you are seeing a therapist. From your description, you have quite a bit to unpack. It sounds like you have a lot of work ahead of you; most of us did too so no shame in that.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by blschlagel 
That's what I keep thinking as well, is that if I leave then maybe my parents will open their eyes.
Good luck to you and your fiance as you build a happy and healthy life together.
P.S. I have family members I am no contact with...of course it isn't ideal, but it's a whole lot less toxic for me this way.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
There is a book called "Codependent No More", by Melody Beattie. It is an easy read and I highly suggest you give it a go. I had my own daughter read it when she was 21years old and it helped change the direction she was headed.
hugs
hugs
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Thank you for sharing about your life. I think you've shared good insight into the family dynamic and the ways in which its harmful for you.
My husband is no contact with his mother. At one point it was both his parents, but his father has stepped up to meet him half way, and they are trying to now have a relationship that is respectful, healthy and fulfilling for both of them. I share that because whats not possible right now, might be possible sometime in the future.
Parent/child relationships are difficult in part I think because we want that bond of family. When you shared about drinking with them and during that time - you feel accepted - that is very insightful.
I think it was a good decision to start therapy and I hope it will help.
I can say that there was a time when my husband was in active addiction and I felt very confused, overwhelmed with emotions. I took a step back, moved out of the house for a bit, and focused on what I needed. Without the drama/chaos interrupting me.. it allowed me to think more clearly. I went to see a therapist at that point.
My husband is no contact with his mother. At one point it was both his parents, but his father has stepped up to meet him half way, and they are trying to now have a relationship that is respectful, healthy and fulfilling for both of them. I share that because whats not possible right now, might be possible sometime in the future.
Parent/child relationships are difficult in part I think because we want that bond of family. When you shared about drinking with them and during that time - you feel accepted - that is very insightful.
I think it was a good decision to start therapy and I hope it will help.
I can say that there was a time when my husband was in active addiction and I felt very confused, overwhelmed with emotions. I took a step back, moved out of the house for a bit, and focused on what I needed. Without the drama/chaos interrupting me.. it allowed me to think more clearly. I went to see a therapist at that point.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Oregon Coast
Posts: 168
You have an awareness that your parents lack. You can see what’s wrong with the situation, they can’t. You are strong and smart and brave.
Nobody should have to put up with so much abuse, especially from their own family. You deserve so much more from life. Please believe me.
I would get away from that mess. As far away as possible. The service would be a great option for you. They will take care of your needs (housing, healthcare, food, etc) and they will be a family for you. Do it!
You MUST continue counseling. Seek it out. You need to learn how to heal from that mess so you can move on and have a healthy life. If you don’t, you will have ongoing problems for the rest of your life and your romantic relationships will be difficult.
Detach from your parents? Hell yes! They don’t deserve to have you in their life! You are their precious child and all they have done is hurt you. Screw them!
My father was neglectful and abusive to me my whole life. He is now in federal prison for a huge collection of child pornography. Three years ago I cut him completely out of my life. He is blocked from my phone, Facebook, everything. I never want to see his sorry ass again. Guess what? I feel free! It feels great! And I only wish I’d done it sooner!
We care about you. Keep coming back! Let us know how you are doing!
Love and hugs from Sailor ⚓️
PS I’d join the Coast Guard 😉
Nobody should have to put up with so much abuse, especially from their own family. You deserve so much more from life. Please believe me.
I would get away from that mess. As far away as possible. The service would be a great option for you. They will take care of your needs (housing, healthcare, food, etc) and they will be a family for you. Do it!
You MUST continue counseling. Seek it out. You need to learn how to heal from that mess so you can move on and have a healthy life. If you don’t, you will have ongoing problems for the rest of your life and your romantic relationships will be difficult.
Detach from your parents? Hell yes! They don’t deserve to have you in their life! You are their precious child and all they have done is hurt you. Screw them!
My father was neglectful and abusive to me my whole life. He is now in federal prison for a huge collection of child pornography. Three years ago I cut him completely out of my life. He is blocked from my phone, Facebook, everything. I never want to see his sorry ass again. Guess what? I feel free! It feels great! And I only wish I’d done it sooner!
We care about you. Keep coming back! Let us know how you are doing!
Love and hugs from Sailor ⚓️
PS I’d join the Coast Guard 😉
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 128
So hard! I'm so sorry for your struggles! I have a similar family situation in that there are no boundaries, too much drama, lots of narcissistic tendencies in my mother's behalf, and terrible (unessessary) shame and guilt on my behalf whenever I say anything to my mother that is simply honest and usually elicited. I'm going to see my sister who is developmentally delayed psychiatrist today (IMO, all the people around her have been too dramatic, announced too many "emergencies" over medicated her and I think the psychiatrist gets it and he's going to explain this to us today.... Fingers crossed.)
Back to the point... My story is too long.
I suffer, cry, feel angry every time I get off the phone with my mother and she calls me a lot! Two days ago when she called I felt badly for just one hour after. I wrote in my journal. I wrote: why are you suffering?? Because I have guilt. I wrote: remember your new rule? (Beattie, melody, co-dependant no more). The new rule is that it's ok to say something that needs to be said even if you hurt someone's feelings. I went to my councellor yesterday, and she said, "instead of spending time judging yourself in those situations, what if you reframed it as "protecting yourself?"
I've come a long way in the last five months. Here's what's helped: I spent $12 and did any enneagram online, and got some wonderful insite into who I am, what to look out for, and what my damaging "old rules" (Beattie, M) were. I'm slowly picking up "protectionism and boundaries" by Pixie lighthorse and bookmarking pages that resonate with me. I go to alanon, read about codependancy, and practice (written down, no excuses) self care every day.
I think the self care keeps me from being too involved in my AH's recovery, and make me stronger when stuff happens. I need to exercise, I disassociate regularly (which feels a bit like depression to me) and exercise keeps me in my body.
That's my formula, keep searching, we all have different ordeals and "best ways" to recover. In the past I've also read about growing up with a narcissistic mother, and I practice mindfulness, yoga and meditation. I think this is a great place to unload and to learn from other people
Back to the point... My story is too long.
I suffer, cry, feel angry every time I get off the phone with my mother and she calls me a lot! Two days ago when she called I felt badly for just one hour after. I wrote in my journal. I wrote: why are you suffering?? Because I have guilt. I wrote: remember your new rule? (Beattie, melody, co-dependant no more). The new rule is that it's ok to say something that needs to be said even if you hurt someone's feelings. I went to my councellor yesterday, and she said, "instead of spending time judging yourself in those situations, what if you reframed it as "protecting yourself?"
I've come a long way in the last five months. Here's what's helped: I spent $12 and did any enneagram online, and got some wonderful insite into who I am, what to look out for, and what my damaging "old rules" (Beattie, M) were. I'm slowly picking up "protectionism and boundaries" by Pixie lighthorse and bookmarking pages that resonate with me. I go to alanon, read about codependancy, and practice (written down, no excuses) self care every day.
I think the self care keeps me from being too involved in my AH's recovery, and make me stronger when stuff happens. I need to exercise, I disassociate regularly (which feels a bit like depression to me) and exercise keeps me in my body.
That's my formula, keep searching, we all have different ordeals and "best ways" to recover. In the past I've also read about growing up with a narcissistic mother, and I practice mindfulness, yoga and meditation. I think this is a great place to unload and to learn from other people
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by Blueskies18
I suffer, cry, feel angry every time I get off the phone with my mother and she calls me a lot! ......
His birth mother abandoned the family when my Dad was 2 years old. She came back into their lives later, when my Dad was in his fifties. That lasted a couple of years until Dad realized she was a toxic stew.
My aunt, my Dad's sister, was in regular contact with this woman for many years. Her daughter got so angry at seeing her mother cry every time she got off the phone with "toxic Grandma," she called the woman and told her if she ever called again, she would go cut off her fingers so she couldn't use the phone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 128
Originally Posted by Eauchiche
My Dad's side of the family was fraught with drama.
His birth mother abandoned the family when my Dad was 2 years old. She came back into their lives later, when my Dad was in his fifties. That lasted a couple of years until Dad realized she was a toxic stew.
My aunt, my Dad's sister, was in regular contact with this woman for many years. Her daughter got so angry at seeing her mother cry every time she got off the phone with "toxic Grandma," she called the woman and told her if she ever called again, she would go cut off her fingers so she couldn't use the phone.
His birth mother abandoned the family when my Dad was 2 years old. She came back into their lives later, when my Dad was in his fifties. That lasted a couple of years until Dad realized she was a toxic stew.
My aunt, my Dad's sister, was in regular contact with this woman for many years. Her daughter got so angry at seeing her mother cry every time she got off the phone with "toxic Grandma," she called the woman and told her if she ever called again, she would go cut off her fingers so she couldn't use the phone.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,271
Whatever you decide to do, just do not expect them to change. They most likely won't. And if they see you changing and growing, they may try every tactic they know to bring you back down to their level. Stay strong and stand in your truth. Good luck to you. Don't let the past drag you down.
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