So I had a difficult talk with AH...
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So I had a difficult talk with AH...
So he’s still “not drinking” it’s been almost 5 weeks (so he says and I’ve found no evidence to suggest otherwise). But he has been continuing to be an A hole. Moody, critical, lazy. He asked me two days ago what he’d “done wrong” because he’s picked up a vibe from me and said our daughter has been giving him “smart ass remarks”. So the floodgates opened and I started blubbing through tears about a few things - I said I wasn’t happy anymore. I said how difficult he was to live with. I said how much his drinking has affected us, how he has taken over the lounge and the tv so we don’t feel we can watch anything we want and how we are all avoiding being in the same room as him. How everything he says is negative. He said he didn’t see the problem because he “doesn’t drink anymore and it was only harming him when he did and not like smoking is passive alcohol is only harming the person that drinks it” he said how he didn’t think any of us quite realise how much pain he’s been in because of his ankle. (He recently had an op to fuse the ankle bone). That’s not true because for three months we all waited on him hand and foot (ha! No pun intended) when he was in plaster. He concluded by saying he “just will keep his mouth shut in future then”. So I ended up feeling like I was this hysterical over emotional female basically. Five minutes after the conversation he was on the phone to a client as if nothing had been said I was an emotional wreck but he was acting like he had no feelings. Then much later he gave me a hug and told me how much he loved me!! It’s like he withholds affection until I’m hanging on a thread and then I feel so grateful for even the smallest crumbs. My mother was over earlier and she commented on some fruit that had been thrown away (she thought it was too good to throw out) and he said “yeah well I darent say anything or I’ll get into trouble”. So now HEs the victim? We got a letter this morning to say his Employment support benefit has been stopped because he failed to attend the capeability for work assessment. So whilst he’s not earning anything now we won’t get anything and our housing benefit has also been stopped. He got angry and blamed the department for giving him confusing dates!!! (First appointment was cancelled because of snow but he reckons they didn’t tell him when the next one was) nothing is EVER his fault. I’m reading Lundy Bancroft should I stay or go and inside the minds of angry men. Some of it resonates ... some doesn’t. On a positive note... I’m away this weekend for two whole nights with my best friend at a spa! Very excited to get away and have respite. Kids are going to my mums. AH will be left alone ... 😬 but I’m not gonna even think about him once when I’m away, determined to have some fun!
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Raining, this sounds so difficult. Your husband sounds like my stbxAH. I'm glad you're going away for a bit to look after yourself. Your kids will get a break too. It really sounds like he's not taking responsibility for anything and sadly, you can't make him. You have made it clear that you don't want to live this way. What do you think you will do next? Can you have a trial separation, perhaps?
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz 
Raining, this sounds so difficult. Your husband sounds like my stbxAH. I'm glad you're going away for a bit to look after yourself. Your kids will get a break too. It really sounds like he's not taking responsibility for anything and sadly, you can't make him. You have made it clear that you don't want to live this way. What do you think you will do next? Can you have a trial separation, perhaps?
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RainingButtons.....I echo what OpheliaKatz has just said.
Putting down the bottle is one thing.....but, it is just the first step. It takes diligently working a program of recovery for a much longer time, to see the kind of changes that I believe that you are needing to live the way you are wanting to. 5wks. probably seems like a long time, to him...but, it is just a drop in the bucket, in the big picture. And, he may never change into what you want him to....
I am so glad that you are getting away for a while and that the kids are, also!
From what you have shared...I think you would benefit from having time and distance away from the situation....in order to clear your mind and begin to sort yourself out....Many times, you can see things better from a distance....
I am concerned that you get the kind of support that YOU need. Everyone, who is going through what you are, needs support. I hope that you will not m inimize this.
I know that you are scared of the future....but, I suspect that this is largely due to the fact that you have become so used to this current living situation that it has become your comfort zone...as bad as it is. That is commonly what happens.
If you have been strong and tenacious enough to live through what you already have...you are m ore than strong enough to face whatever challenges that the future presents....
Many of the biggest strides are made outside of one's comfort zone!
Enjoy every second of your time away.....
Putting down the bottle is one thing.....but, it is just the first step. It takes diligently working a program of recovery for a much longer time, to see the kind of changes that I believe that you are needing to live the way you are wanting to. 5wks. probably seems like a long time, to him...but, it is just a drop in the bucket, in the big picture. And, he may never change into what you want him to....
I am so glad that you are getting away for a while and that the kids are, also!
From what you have shared...I think you would benefit from having time and distance away from the situation....in order to clear your mind and begin to sort yourself out....Many times, you can see things better from a distance....
I am concerned that you get the kind of support that YOU need. Everyone, who is going through what you are, needs support. I hope that you will not m inimize this.
I know that you are scared of the future....but, I suspect that this is largely due to the fact that you have become so used to this current living situation that it has become your comfort zone...as bad as it is. That is commonly what happens.
If you have been strong and tenacious enough to live through what you already have...you are m ore than strong enough to face whatever challenges that the future presents....
Many of the biggest strides are made outside of one's comfort zone!
Enjoy every second of your time away.....
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This sounds like my marriage. My husband did just enough to keep me hooked and then when he doesn't need to act he doesn't. This is his personality and nothing but himself will change this. I wish I would have ran and not looked back.
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Then much later he gave me a hug and told me how much he loved me!! It’s like he withholds affection until I’m hanging on a thread and then I feel so grateful for even the smallest crumbs
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-chick-en.html (Don't be his chick(en)!!!)
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He concluded by saying he “just will keep his mouth shut in future then”.
My exah said this too. He had no interest in how I felt and was on the defensive the minute I tried to discuss issues or how his behaviour made me and our kids feel. They don't actually care and your husband is displaying dry drunk behaviour and from what you have said abuse is a feature which won't change even if he stays "sober" Once a jerk, always a jerk.
ESA wise he could get another appointment asap or go on Job Seekers or IS to make sure the housing benefit is reinstated..if he cba. As you care for your child you could claim income support instead and then boot him out......just sayin...
My exah said this too. He had no interest in how I felt and was on the defensive the minute I tried to discuss issues or how his behaviour made me and our kids feel. They don't actually care and your husband is displaying dry drunk behaviour and from what you have said abuse is a feature which won't change even if he stays "sober" Once a jerk, always a jerk.
ESA wise he could get another appointment asap or go on Job Seekers or IS to make sure the housing benefit is reinstated..if he cba. As you care for your child you could claim income support instead and then boot him out......just sayin...
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So sorry to hear about your situation Raining. I’ve been there and it’s miserable. My therapist once asked me which was worse - when he was actively drinking (and happy) or when he was not drinking (and the most miserable human on the planet). My response was that they were both unbearable but at least I felt the kids and I were safe when he wasn’t drinking.
For what it’s worth, what helped me was focusing on myself and the kids, staying busy and getting out of the house a lot, not engaging with him, etc. I also researched drunk syndrome to get some perspective about what was going on. It personally helped me to know that this is a common thing related to alcoholism and that it had nothing to do with me (despite him continuously trying to blame everything on me). This is 100% him. He hasn’t yet embraced recovery.
I hope you have an amazing time away. You deserve it!
For what it’s worth, what helped me was focusing on myself and the kids, staying busy and getting out of the house a lot, not engaging with him, etc. I also researched drunk syndrome to get some perspective about what was going on. It personally helped me to know that this is a common thing related to alcoholism and that it had nothing to do with me (despite him continuously trying to blame everything on me). This is 100% him. He hasn’t yet embraced recovery.
I hope you have an amazing time away. You deserve it!
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Anyone can stop drinking.... Its about growing up, sobering up and working a program. Like said above, he is nothing but a dry drunk. Same personality, selfishness, nastiness, and self absorbed. There is no difference. He would be better off drinking.
Life is not going to change with him not drinking. It is the big picture. Going to meetings (you and him) digging deep and finding out what has happened to you and your relationship with him. Start working on support for you and give it some time. It will all fall into place the way God had planned.
Life is not going to change with him not drinking. It is the big picture. Going to meetings (you and him) digging deep and finding out what has happened to you and your relationship with him. Start working on support for you and give it some time. It will all fall into place the way God had planned.
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My daughter just messaged me - I’m away from home with my friend and she went home early because she wanted to be in her own bed. He’s been drinking whiskey... he’s on his second bottle. He normally never drinks the stuff it’s been in our drinks cabinet for two years. She messaged me photos she’s been taking of the bottles bless her, she means well but it’s breaking my heart how she’s being dragged into this whole mess and she’s only 17.
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RainingButtons.....I agree that the kids shouldn't have to deal with the adult issues.....
Can you tell her to go back to her grandmother's house?...and, not to worry about this situation, because you and her dad will deal with it?
Can you tell her to go back to her grandmother's house?...and, not to worry about this situation, because you and her dad will deal with it?
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that IS heartbreaking that she is taking on the role of detective. is there anywhere else she can go tonite? a friend, family member? it is not good for her to be there with ANYONE who has been drinking to that degree..............
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Thankyou. My daughter is safe. Apparently my son who is 12, had decided he wanted to stay home with AH as he had been promised a McDonald’s and a movie “boys night” in. So my mum who is not aware of the full situation (time I told her) took him back home and my daughter who is 17 and fully aware of the issues went home with him, because she was worried. Rightly so. She assured me my son was tucked up in bed and asleep and they were both safe and they left AH to drink himself into a stupor last night alone. What do I do now? When I go home tomorrow do I pretend I don’t know about his drinking? After all it’s what he’s always done - just this time he’s more aware of my feelings about it after our talk the other day? He swore he no longer drunk anymore which I know was a lie but the fact he’s waited until I was away to do this feels somehow more calculated. clearly nothing sunk in. He will likely go out and buy more alcohol today as I’m away another night so I am going to make arrangements for the kids to be out of the house. My sister has a son the same age so she will arrange a sleepover for the boys and my daughter will go back to mums. But I’m angry he’s managed to spoil my weekend away by doing this. He won’t see how him drinking affects me or anyone else because to him it’s harmless.
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What do I do now?
Confronting him is pointless. He will take it out on your child who told you. You are going to get everything you do spoilt until you take steps to get him out of your lives. He is progressing..hence the whiskey you think he has never drank before. They need more and more to get the same buzz. When my exah started on spirits things went downhill very quickly. He got meaner. Oh and sorry to say but I'd go home early. Your kids are far too young to be coping with their dad hungover today and a possible night of it again tonight as your mum is not aware of the situation and you have already told us he gets nasty.
Confronting him is pointless. He will take it out on your child who told you. You are going to get everything you do spoilt until you take steps to get him out of your lives. He is progressing..hence the whiskey you think he has never drank before. They need more and more to get the same buzz. When my exah started on spirits things went downhill very quickly. He got meaner. Oh and sorry to say but I'd go home early. Your kids are far too young to be coping with their dad hungover today and a possible night of it again tonight as your mum is not aware of the situation and you have already told us he gets nasty.
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Originally Posted by maia1234
Anyone can stop drinking.... Its about growing up, sobering up and working a program. Like said above, he is nothing but a dry drunk. Same personality, selfishness, nastiness, and self absorbed. There is no difference. He would be better off drinking.
Life is not going to change with him not drinking. It is the big picture. Going to meetings (you and him) digging deep and finding out what has happened to you and your relationship with him. Start working on support for you and give it some time. It will all fall into place the way God had planned.
Life is not going to change with him not drinking. It is the big picture. Going to meetings (you and him) digging deep and finding out what has happened to you and your relationship with him. Start working on support for you and give it some time. It will all fall into place the way God had planned.
I was repeatingly reading in some threads in the family and friend section, that the loved ones new to the subject expect change by the moment when the alcoholic stops drinking, and the experienced advisors point out the work behind it. I think, both is correct, but one step after another.
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I just draw from my own experience: within the first weeks I was not be able to work on myself, the ability and drive then later on kicked in.
Yeah but he just drank 2 bottles of whiskey while his wife was away so he's not stopped even.
Yeah but he just drank 2 bottles of whiskey while his wife was away so he's not stopped even.
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Yeah but he just drank 2 bottles of whiskey while his wife was away so he's not stopped even.
Yes, you are right, and it's a shame what harm alcoholics can cause.
What make me even "defend" drinking alcoholics if they want to quit, is, that this may be a step by step process - with complete uncertainty if the alcoholic will succeed or not. The question if these 2 bottles are his last ones or the next two or none of the next dozens is an open one. Not even about talking about true recovery after that. It was it for me too, I tapered off until one really was the last. I know, ladybird, you've seen / read a lot, it does not happen too often. I have read quite some of your posts, I respect you point of view.
Yes, you are right, and it's a shame what harm alcoholics can cause.
What make me even "defend" drinking alcoholics if they want to quit, is, that this may be a step by step process - with complete uncertainty if the alcoholic will succeed or not. The question if these 2 bottles are his last ones or the next two or none of the next dozens is an open one. Not even about talking about true recovery after that. It was it for me too, I tapered off until one really was the last. I know, ladybird, you've seen / read a lot, it does not happen too often. I have read quite some of your posts, I respect you point of view.
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I think the thing to do now is not to focus on what he did or how much he drank, but rather on the fact that this is who he is. He knows how you feel about it and did it anyway, first chance he got. Is this what you want in a partner? What you and your kids deserve in a home life?
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Originally Posted by ThomPom
Yeah but he just drank 2 bottles of whiskey while his wife was away so he's not stopped even.
Yes, you are right, and it's a shame what harm alcoholics can cause.
What make me even "defend" drinking alcoholics if they want to quit, is, that this may be a step by step process - with complete uncertainty if the alcoholic will succeed or not. The question if these 2 bottles are his last ones or the next two or none of the next dozens is an open one. Not even about talking about true recovery after that. It was it for me too, I tapered off until one really was the last. I know, ladybird, you've seen / read a lot, it does not happen too often. I have read quite some of your posts, I respect you point of view.
Yes, you are right, and it's a shame what harm alcoholics can cause.
What make me even "defend" drinking alcoholics if they want to quit, is, that this may be a step by step process - with complete uncertainty if the alcoholic will succeed or not. The question if these 2 bottles are his last ones or the next two or none of the next dozens is an open one. Not even about talking about true recovery after that. It was it for me too, I tapered off until one really was the last. I know, ladybird, you've seen / read a lot, it does not happen too often. I have read quite some of your posts, I respect you point of view.
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