Nowsthetime

Hello all:

I can’t post details because I told some people about this place and they would know it’s me. Ugh! I’m never doing that again. I’m not sorry I am
being selfish by feeling this way. This was my place. Now I’m always worried when I post. It’s a bit paranoid because there’s a lot of people here so it’s unlikely that they would 1. Be here and see it, and 2. Put 2 and 2 together and figure out it’s me. I don’t even know if they read or signed on.

In a nutshell I had an argument with someone special to me. They criticized me. I was rude and snippy. They were tipsy. I did apologize later but after apologizing I did a small jab. A bunch of people were drinking around me earlier, and surprisingly, my AV was quiet. That monster is too sneaky to show up now. It’s too obvious. I also said a hurtful thing to the person from tonight about a person close to both of us. This was a few days ago. In my defense, this person hurt me terribly emotionally since childhood and all my life. I’m also SUPER stressed at work and a few days ago I mentioned it and the person from today minimized it making a joke about me...

Right now I’m an anxious wreck. I really wish I could control my temper, but I just always end up being a hot head and saying things I regret. I can only control myself, blah blah... I have read countless of articles in anger management. I know I could use therapy...

Drinking-wise things are ok now. I have some vacations coming up and my AV has been whispering. It talks about my usual relapse episode. A few drinks and continue going the next day. I play the tape but that isn’t working as well because in the past four years in the about 5 times I drank I have drank only a couple... I have still felt a bit crappy the next day but NOTHING like the debilitang hangovers I used to have.

I’m sad at myself and disappointed. I feel really rude and mad. I feel like this person sees me in a way that I’m not. I’m frustrated and annoyed. Honestly shouldn’t have shared this place with the people in my life, but I wanted to help them since this place has been so great for me. This person is really close to me... UGH!!!

Dee74

Its hard to comment because I really have no idea whats going on

Maybe changing your username could help you with the privacy issue?
Its really important to feel free to speak freely.

D

Nowsthetime

It’s not the username. It’s in the details. I feel that if they read what happened here and heard my story in real life, they could figure it out, then go back and read my posts and read things I have disclosed here that I haven’t shared with anyone in my real life.

Sucks!

Delilah1

I'm sorry that you are feeling that way. Can you log on as someone completely new, then nobody would be able to see your prior posts. Did you tell them your name on here?

Berrybean

Or possibly they'll have something better to do than read every single post on here.

Alternatively you could PM someone on here whose opinion you trust.

By a small jab, do you mean you apologised then punched them?

BB

Nowsthetime

I did not tell them my name. I might have to do that, but I love my name.

Nowsthetime

I have read someone’s entire post history before. I am sure someone would too, specially if they are curious about someone they know.

By a small jab I mean a comment...

entropy1964

For me a lot of recovery is emotional maturity. That includes learning to control what I say. This doesn't come naturally to me....it feels good just to blurt something out...for a second, and then it doesn't. I also tend to act on my feelings, assuming they are fact. I've learned that my feelings are actually not fact, and are often completely wrong. So when in doubt, I try very hard not to act. Even if something does irritate me, I don't have to open my mouth. I can work on the emotion later, but I can shut my mouth, or not react on my feelings. Like an addiction, I believe there is a 'rush' when I react. But I have learned that more often than not reactions are regrettable. Reactions are only effective in emergencies....and those are rare.

So, like good ole Dr Phil says, never miss a good opportunity to shut up. I love that.

Nowsthetime

Yes!!! This is it, and that’s why I’m so upset at myself. How do I learn to control my mouth... even if I’m “right” I still lose by acting that way.

And as expected, AV is louder today. Ugh!!!!

Berrybean

Phew!!!
See, I had visions of you hitting someone. Things could be much worse if that were the case.

Why not just apologise to the person properly (jab free) and then forgive yourself. Recovery isn't about getting to be perfect, just progress over time. As humans we are imperfect. We will react strangely at times.

Why do you think you reacted as you did? I usually find it was a result of fear or ego when I act out. If I look down this list of ego desires and fears I can usually suss out what was happening...

Ego / Wanting to be:
admired
loved
praised
favoured
accepted
consulted
well known
honoured.

Fear of being:
Criticised
ridiculed
humiliated
falsely accused
persecuted
disbelieved
despised
forgotten


As I look down the list whatever it was will generally stand out to me. Maybe make me feel a bit angry and defensive, or embarrassed or cringey.

Thing is, isn't no good withholding compassion for ourselves til we think we deserve it or are perfect enough. Thats not real love or real forgiveness, and if we treated anyone else like that we'd think we were being cruel and having too high expectations. It's so important that we can learn to have the same compassion for ourselves as we would for a friend or for our child, because we need go nurture ourselves so we can grow.

BB