Has it all been for nothing?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: London, United Kingdom
Posts: 49
Has it all been for nothing?
I think I just wanted to share a bit and ask for insight....again (sorry)
The last few weekends have been very good and we watched movies with the girls and sat with our arms around each other and were comfortable exchanging jokes and pokes. He has agreed to spending a day together but doesn't seem very forthcoming on actually committing to it and one day he'll agree to a few days away and the next day he won't. I booked our annual holiday anyway and he is booked on it but he keeps repeating that he doesn't know if he'll come. I have been working hard at my codepency (AlAnon, Katie Byron, 1-1 therapy and soon couples counselling which was arranged by his rehab facility) and have let him be, do my thing and support him, be happy when he is around but I am getting to a stage where I find the situation almost too difficult. He is still refusing to come live at home (we moved last December and I am spending a fortune in gym creches to get some me time, the gym always sorts me out) or ignores certain questions.
I am now travelling back to the UK with the girls from spending time with my family. He said he'd try to come but as it's holidays there were too many people off already and I have to be honest that it was quite last minute. We left on Thursday and on Friday we had a lot of happy chitchat, smiley faces and I shared photos of what we were doing but I haven't heard from him since Friday evening. I found out from my best friend he had phoned her at 3am on Saturday morning and he didn't respond until a day later. The only other time he did this he was drunk.
I would love to share our kids happiness with him and the things we have done over the weekend. I find it concerning and odd he hasn't made any form of contact while we were away and I am unsure whether I should contact him. I only emailed him a reminder of our first couples counselling for coming Thursday ( emailed him this morning) and received a text later today which was very business like about cutting the grass, the cat's wellbeing and that he is meeting his sponsor tonight so he won't be at the house (he's been staying at the family home to look after the cat while me and the girls were away) but again doesn't mention the girls (he forgot our eldest 1st parents evening) or me and nothing about how he is doing. He said he had no reasons for not contacting me for 5 days.
Have I lost him? Has all my support and help been for nothing? I was looking forward to getting to know each other again and which seems impossible now. I've written a long letter to him a few weeks ago explaining where I am in my recovery and how I am feeling. I didn't expect a reaction and he didn't give me one which is fine but I felt I needed to communicate something seeing he's not doing any.
He gets angry when I tell him I will move back to Holland if we end up divorcing but he doesn't give me anything to say otherwise. It's like me and the girls don't exist.
Any help, insights, telling offs are welcome.
The last few weekends have been very good and we watched movies with the girls and sat with our arms around each other and were comfortable exchanging jokes and pokes. He has agreed to spending a day together but doesn't seem very forthcoming on actually committing to it and one day he'll agree to a few days away and the next day he won't. I booked our annual holiday anyway and he is booked on it but he keeps repeating that he doesn't know if he'll come. I have been working hard at my codepency (AlAnon, Katie Byron, 1-1 therapy and soon couples counselling which was arranged by his rehab facility) and have let him be, do my thing and support him, be happy when he is around but I am getting to a stage where I find the situation almost too difficult. He is still refusing to come live at home (we moved last December and I am spending a fortune in gym creches to get some me time, the gym always sorts me out) or ignores certain questions.
I am now travelling back to the UK with the girls from spending time with my family. He said he'd try to come but as it's holidays there were too many people off already and I have to be honest that it was quite last minute. We left on Thursday and on Friday we had a lot of happy chitchat, smiley faces and I shared photos of what we were doing but I haven't heard from him since Friday evening. I found out from my best friend he had phoned her at 3am on Saturday morning and he didn't respond until a day later. The only other time he did this he was drunk.
I would love to share our kids happiness with him and the things we have done over the weekend. I find it concerning and odd he hasn't made any form of contact while we were away and I am unsure whether I should contact him. I only emailed him a reminder of our first couples counselling for coming Thursday ( emailed him this morning) and received a text later today which was very business like about cutting the grass, the cat's wellbeing and that he is meeting his sponsor tonight so he won't be at the house (he's been staying at the family home to look after the cat while me and the girls were away) but again doesn't mention the girls (he forgot our eldest 1st parents evening) or me and nothing about how he is doing. He said he had no reasons for not contacting me for 5 days.
Have I lost him? Has all my support and help been for nothing? I was looking forward to getting to know each other again and which seems impossible now. I've written a long letter to him a few weeks ago explaining where I am in my recovery and how I am feeling. I didn't expect a reaction and he didn't give me one which is fine but I felt I needed to communicate something seeing he's not doing any.
He gets angry when I tell him I will move back to Holland if we end up divorcing but he doesn't give me anything to say otherwise. It's like me and the girls don't exist.
Any help, insights, telling offs are welcome.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: London, United Kingdom
Posts: 49
I admire him for doing everything to stay sober but is he working on recovery aswell is what I am not sure about. I feel if he keeps going like he is at the moment and is staying so distant, non communicative or engaging with the family I will have to re-think my commitment. With the added issue that we won't be in the same country if one of us pulls the plug and I know for sure he would never want to be separated from his children but with them comes me and I have a right to a happy and good life too with someone who loves and appreciates me. He was more involved with the family as an active alcoholic than he is now. I'm finding it hard to figure out which is worse.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dutchy....it sure sounds like he was "drunk dialing" at 3 am....a nd, someone who is drunk dialing is probably not giving their all to recovery...
How do you know that he would never want to be separated from his children...May be, his Preference would be for you and them to be around an d you running the family show...but,, don't be too sure that you can read his mind is you move away....
I have seen lots of men who claim to want sooo much time with their children at the time of divorce...but, taper off their interest and involvement after a period of time.....
I'm just saying.....
How do you know that he would never want to be separated from his children...May be, his Preference would be for you and them to be around an d you running the family show...but,, don't be too sure that you can read his mind is you move away....
I have seen lots of men who claim to want sooo much time with their children at the time of divorce...but, taper off their interest and involvement after a period of time.....
I'm just saying.....
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 30
Dutchy36
thank you for sharing your story honestly......... all you did was not for nothing... you are a kind supportive and forgiving woman.. like sparkelkitty said before me stop looking at what he says and look at what he does(or doesn't do).......... you know this man more than anyone... if a voice inside tells you he is not sober then he probably isn't.....what does your gut tell you (trust it)?
i know when my EX was sober his behavior changed ( he became cautious, a little withdrawn) but there was no unexcused disappearing for days (he only did that when he was actively drinking)...
if you have to think bout his engagement with the family as being better while actively drinking , then you must know his current attitude is not a good place to be
I hope this message finds you well , take it one day at a time (it will become clear to you what your should do eventually)
( the best thing about alcoholics is that they are BAD liars)
thank you for sharing your story honestly......... all you did was not for nothing... you are a kind supportive and forgiving woman.. like sparkelkitty said before me stop looking at what he says and look at what he does(or doesn't do).......... you know this man more than anyone... if a voice inside tells you he is not sober then he probably isn't.....what does your gut tell you (trust it)?
i know when my EX was sober his behavior changed ( he became cautious, a little withdrawn) but there was no unexcused disappearing for days (he only did that when he was actively drinking)...
if you have to think bout his engagement with the family as being better while actively drinking , then you must know his current attitude is not a good place to be
I hope this message finds you well , take it one day at a time (it will become clear to you what your should do eventually)
( the best thing about alcoholics is that they are BAD liars)
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
He has agreed to spending a day together but doesn't seem very forthcoming on actually committing to it and one day he'll agree to a few days away and the next day he won't. I booked our annual holiday anyway and he is booked on it but he keeps repeating that he doesn't know if he'll come. I have been working hard at my codepency
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
He has agreed to spending a day together but doesn't seem very forthcoming on actually committing to it and one day he'll agree to a few days away and the next day he won't.
I found out from my best friend he had phoned her at 3am on Saturday morning and he didn't respond until a day later. The only other time he did this he was drunk.
He said he had no reasons for not contacting me for 5 days.
Except he was drinking which he won't admit to you but the signs are heavily there.
Have I lost him? Has all my support and help been for nothing?
You never had him..his addiction has and until he can truly be sober and in true recovery it always will. Sorry to say but yes all our support..not just you but all us who have done the same, has been for nothing cos we cannot support them sober. We just beat our heads against the same wall over and over and over until we turn the focus off what they are doing and what we want to do about it.
I found out from my best friend he had phoned her at 3am on Saturday morning and he didn't respond until a day later. The only other time he did this he was drunk.
He said he had no reasons for not contacting me for 5 days.
Except he was drinking which he won't admit to you but the signs are heavily there.
Have I lost him? Has all my support and help been for nothing?
You never had him..his addiction has and until he can truly be sober and in true recovery it always will. Sorry to say but yes all our support..not just you but all us who have done the same, has been for nothing cos we cannot support them sober. We just beat our heads against the same wall over and over and over until we turn the focus off what they are doing and what we want to do about it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: London, United Kingdom
Posts: 49
Thanks all for your input. I did have a feeling he slipped up over the weekend. The first weekend I was out of the country with the girls visiting my family in Holland. He used to check in with us and be more involved but since rehab he is becoming more and more distant, not communicating about everything.
The only reason I say he would miss his girls is because, again, he says so but his actions are pretty clear.
I will make it clear in Thursdays first couples counselling, that he has to be honest and if he can't I'll be back in Holland before he can say stop
The only reason I say he would miss his girls is because, again, he says so but his actions are pretty clear.
I will make it clear in Thursdays first couples counselling, that he has to be honest and if he can't I'll be back in Holland before he can say stop
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
He used to check in with us and be more involved but since rehab he is becoming more and more distant, not communicating about everything.
This is the same behavior I have seen in my brothers. Each crisis or stint in rehab leads to greater distancing, because the more "out" their addiction is the harder it is for them to maintain the appearance of sobriety. The stakes get more and more serious and they can't easily hide drinking again from family, the family can no longer be fooled. So they distance themselves physically and emotionally, because they are either already drinking or planing to drink again. Does that make sense?
Contrast that cagey behavior with family and friends who have gotten sober and found recovery- they are engaged, and honest, and more emotionally available in relationships. They've stopped hiding. They are honest with self and others. Recovery shines and is obvious. Yes it takes time, and early recovery is a difficult time of transition. So, as always, more will be revealed.
Meanwhile he is "showing" you what he wants, even if he is "telling" you something different.
Peace,
B.
This is the same behavior I have seen in my brothers. Each crisis or stint in rehab leads to greater distancing, because the more "out" their addiction is the harder it is for them to maintain the appearance of sobriety. The stakes get more and more serious and they can't easily hide drinking again from family, the family can no longer be fooled. So they distance themselves physically and emotionally, because they are either already drinking or planing to drink again. Does that make sense?
Contrast that cagey behavior with family and friends who have gotten sober and found recovery- they are engaged, and honest, and more emotionally available in relationships. They've stopped hiding. They are honest with self and others. Recovery shines and is obvious. Yes it takes time, and early recovery is a difficult time of transition. So, as always, more will be revealed.
Meanwhile he is "showing" you what he wants, even if he is "telling" you something different.
Peace,
B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: London, United Kingdom
Posts: 49
Hi Bernadette,
Yes, it does make sense. The Al Anon group I've been attending as much as I can have said that he is in an emotional rollercoaster and that this is why he is acting like this.
I do get the feeling that after 2 months 'sober' he might be losing it as he was more open in the beginning. He can't hide at his mums forever, that is ridiculous.
I am hoping to have Somme of this out with him in counselling tomorrow. I fear that although we have had amazing time and he is great father and deep down I know that this is not his real self, this might end badly
Yes, it does make sense. The Al Anon group I've been attending as much as I can have said that he is in an emotional rollercoaster and that this is why he is acting like this.
I do get the feeling that after 2 months 'sober' he might be losing it as he was more open in the beginning. He can't hide at his mums forever, that is ridiculous.
I am hoping to have Somme of this out with him in counselling tomorrow. I fear that although we have had amazing time and he is great father and deep down I know that this is not his real self, this might end badly
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I fear that although we have had amazing time and he is great father and deep down I know that this is not his real self, this might end badly
I think sharing your wants and needs at your counseling session would be great as long as you have no expectations that he can and will meet those needs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: London, United Kingdom
Posts: 49
I am only hoping with the counselling session that I can show my view of current things and that hopefully my husband will be able to give some form of answer, good or bad, so I know a little bit more where I stand and plan my next step.
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