My first amends letter
Ca**ie
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 87
My first amends letter
So, I received an amends letter from my daughter's sort of ex boyfriend and father of their toddler.
I am sitting on it and have zero idea how to respond. It's ....ok...nice, i guess. It has all the expected words, involving his guilt, regaining trust, regrets etc.
He moved out from my daughter and their toddler son about 9 months ago. He had been sober for a few months. He had a sexual fling with a fellow AA newbie.
The effect on this was my daughter could not afford her rent. She has an additional burden of recovering from a brain injury so she is not working plus they have a toddler. Bottom line, the three of us, my daughter, my grandchild, and myself decided to move in together.
I found out last week he and my daughter are "dating again". uggg. But it's my daughter's life and choices not mine. HOWEVER, it's my choice not to want him hanging out at the new home. Which brings me to his amends. I am reading his letter and realized I am LIVING the results of his affair, his moving out, his financially abandoning them. I am supporting my daughter and grandson. From my point of view, it's not about the drinking, or the affair. It's about HIS choices have upended my life. I don't resent moving in with my daughter and grandson; I adore them both and look forward to it. But I resent that the exact time we are closing escrow that they are "dating" again and I get this amends letter. I want to say, "OMG...amends? Are you f**ing kidding me. YOU barely pay child support, you are letting the grandmother take care of YOUR responsibilities...IT'S STILL HAPPENING. You may not be drinking but you are not living a responsible life. And by the way, my daughter is not a victim here. She made the choice to have a child with an active alcoholic. However, she is proud of his sobriety and wants to get back with him eventually. This was news to me. We decided to move in together 4 months ago.
I don't know how to respond to his amends. Can I just say something like, " I am glad your sobriety continues and wish you continued success?"
Thank you in advance,
Carrie
I am sitting on it and have zero idea how to respond. It's ....ok...nice, i guess. It has all the expected words, involving his guilt, regaining trust, regrets etc.
He moved out from my daughter and their toddler son about 9 months ago. He had been sober for a few months. He had a sexual fling with a fellow AA newbie.
The effect on this was my daughter could not afford her rent. She has an additional burden of recovering from a brain injury so she is not working plus they have a toddler. Bottom line, the three of us, my daughter, my grandchild, and myself decided to move in together.
I found out last week he and my daughter are "dating again". uggg. But it's my daughter's life and choices not mine. HOWEVER, it's my choice not to want him hanging out at the new home. Which brings me to his amends. I am reading his letter and realized I am LIVING the results of his affair, his moving out, his financially abandoning them. I am supporting my daughter and grandson. From my point of view, it's not about the drinking, or the affair. It's about HIS choices have upended my life. I don't resent moving in with my daughter and grandson; I adore them both and look forward to it. But I resent that the exact time we are closing escrow that they are "dating" again and I get this amends letter. I want to say, "OMG...amends? Are you f**ing kidding me. YOU barely pay child support, you are letting the grandmother take care of YOUR responsibilities...IT'S STILL HAPPENING. You may not be drinking but you are not living a responsible life. And by the way, my daughter is not a victim here. She made the choice to have a child with an active alcoholic. However, she is proud of his sobriety and wants to get back with him eventually. This was news to me. We decided to move in together 4 months ago.
I don't know how to respond to his amends. Can I just say something like, " I am glad your sobriety continues and wish you continued success?"
Thank you in advance,
Carrie
Ca**ie
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by FireSprite 
Why do you have to respond at all? I don't think it's a required part of the process, right?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I'm no expert but you have no obligation here.... My understanding is that amends = no strings attached. It's something given without requiring "getting" anything in return. And further, REAL amends show in New Actions.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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Originally Posted by Carrie2015
I don't know how to respond to his amends. Can I just say something like, " I am glad your sobriety continues and wish you continued success?"
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I wonder if his amends letter is more a means of manipulation. Is he trying to get you to lighten up more than truly being remorseful and wanting a change? For all you do for his family I also wonder why he didn't say it in person instead of a nicely composed letter.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Originally Posted by Carrie2015
Oh, I didn't know that. lol I don't know amends protocol.
Have you been to Al-Anon? How are you going to enforce the boundary of not having this man at your house when he and your Daughter are back in a full time relationship (which they probably already are).
Ca**ie
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Join Date: May 2015
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by hearthealth
I wonder if his amends letter is more a means of manipulation. Is he trying to get you to lighten up more than truly being remorseful and wanting a change? For all you do for his family I also wonder why he didn't say it in person instead of a nicely composed letter.
Ca**ie
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by trailmix
How are you going to enforce the boundary of not having this man at your house when he and your Daughter are back in a full time relationship (which they probably already are).
Ca**ie
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
you are not obligated to do ANYTHING with his amends.
they are his amends to the "best" of his ability.
you can accept them as they were presented...
or not.
they are his amends to the "best" of his ability.
you can accept them as they were presented...
or not.
I realize I want to respond just so the amends part can be over with. So, I am going with the short and sweet and leave it at that. Not answering will probably make me feel uncomfortable. I wish I would be honest. But that is not what amends are about. It's about them being honest to the best of their ability. Right? Sigh and uggg
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 967
I agree with you. Send the original short response you were going to. Technically, as other posters have pointed out, you don’t have to respond to an amends. But, as you said, responding something can help you let go in love rather than being stuck in resentment with this guy.
Ca**ie
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 87
Hi all, Thank you for all your wise and considered responses. I decided I needed to respond so it's not hanging over me. I sent the short comment " I am glad your sobriety continues and wish you continued success"
There is way too much to say and really words do not have much meaning anymore. Only action. So I just sent my response out and feel much better and clear.
There is way too much to say and really words do not have much meaning anymore. Only action. So I just sent my response out and feel much better and clear.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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being someone that knows a wee bit about the amends part of 12 step programs,im trying to put myself in your shoes.
i think id have a real hard time not playin this mans sponsor for a few minutes and ask him if he even knows what and how amends are.
if there was no mention of what was done wrong to me,why it was, what should have been done, what has been done to correct the past, and what will be done in the future...
yeah, i think id play sponsor a bit . might even put him in my shoes for a bit and let him have a view from there so he might get a better understanding of how his actions have affected others.
wrong or right, i could feel me doing that. having the right motive for doing it-
i might lie and say its because i care about his well being.
in reality it would be me sayin,"your actions dont show crap. stick your amends up your ass.im still dealing with your crap and this is my subtle notice to you that im not your doormat anymore."
i think id have a real hard time not playin this mans sponsor for a few minutes and ask him if he even knows what and how amends are.
if there was no mention of what was done wrong to me,why it was, what should have been done, what has been done to correct the past, and what will be done in the future...
yeah, i think id play sponsor a bit . might even put him in my shoes for a bit and let him have a view from there so he might get a better understanding of how his actions have affected others.
wrong or right, i could feel me doing that. having the right motive for doing it-
i might lie and say its because i care about his well being.
in reality it would be me sayin,"your actions dont show crap. stick your amends up your ass.im still dealing with your crap and this is my subtle notice to you that im not your doormat anymore."
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
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What 'amends' is he offering here? Amends are not an apology.
I would hope that he is offering Living Amends, committing to certain things for the future. Financial restitution for one thing, with a commitment to paying back what he owes. Honouring his duties as a father to his child and partner (your grandchild and child). I intent to be completely honest and respectful in all future dealings with you and your loved ones.
And apology letter which attempts to explain that it all, happened because he was acting out alcoholically is just an apology letter attempting to explain that it all happened because he was acting out alcoholically. It is NOT making amends.
If there some reason why this was a letter and not a face to face talk?
Sounds more like a smoothing things over to make life easier for himself becaise hes back with your daughtr deal than proper amends to me from what you say.
BB
I would hope that he is offering Living Amends, committing to certain things for the future. Financial restitution for one thing, with a commitment to paying back what he owes. Honouring his duties as a father to his child and partner (your grandchild and child). I intent to be completely honest and respectful in all future dealings with you and your loved ones.
And apology letter which attempts to explain that it all, happened because he was acting out alcoholically is just an apology letter attempting to explain that it all happened because he was acting out alcoholically. It is NOT making amends.
If there some reason why this was a letter and not a face to face talk?
Sounds more like a smoothing things over to make life easier for himself becaise hes back with your daughtr deal than proper amends to me from what you say.
BB
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Carrie.....I understand why you would be giving him the jaundiced eye. I certainly would be, in your situation.
Further, if it were me (and, I know it is not).....I would not allow him to be hanging around your house. Strict boundaries around that. If you want him to see the child....I would have strict boundaries around that....an appointed time and number of hours. What areas of the house he is allowed to "visit" in. Time should be spent with the child...not kanoodling with the mother. You should be there and there should be no closed doors....In other words...time should be about the child's time with him, only.
Your are not required to like him or love him. Only to be civil if you choose to have any contact with him. This is in my opinion....
As far as t he dating...I believe I mentioned this to you, in another thread...I think it is very important that you discuss and talk with your daughter about visiting a gynecologist to obtain long-term type of contraception. Otherwise, you might well be facing another grandchild to raise.....That would be one of my top concerns.
Also, a date is a date....there is no law that says it has to be in your house. He can pick her up at the door and return her to the door. Also, you are the grandmother...not the full time live in "babysitter". She should communicate clearly, with you, about the times ...and, length of times that she will be absent from the house.
I do think it would be a good idea to see a counselor with her...to, among other things...establish clear and strong boundaries. It is much easier if strong boundaries are established at the beginning...than to try to tighten them up, down the road.....
This is a situation where I think you have to protect yourself...even if it does feel heavy handed to you...because I think you will get walked on, otherwise...
Even so, I think that, realistically, you can expect them to push every boundary......
****That "amends" letter sounds like very thin gruel, to me....Don't let yourself get sucked in....
Further, if it were me (and, I know it is not).....I would not allow him to be hanging around your house. Strict boundaries around that. If you want him to see the child....I would have strict boundaries around that....an appointed time and number of hours. What areas of the house he is allowed to "visit" in. Time should be spent with the child...not kanoodling with the mother. You should be there and there should be no closed doors....In other words...time should be about the child's time with him, only.
Your are not required to like him or love him. Only to be civil if you choose to have any contact with him. This is in my opinion....
As far as t he dating...I believe I mentioned this to you, in another thread...I think it is very important that you discuss and talk with your daughter about visiting a gynecologist to obtain long-term type of contraception. Otherwise, you might well be facing another grandchild to raise.....That would be one of my top concerns.
Also, a date is a date....there is no law that says it has to be in your house. He can pick her up at the door and return her to the door. Also, you are the grandmother...not the full time live in "babysitter". She should communicate clearly, with you, about the times ...and, length of times that she will be absent from the house.
I do think it would be a good idea to see a counselor with her...to, among other things...establish clear and strong boundaries. It is much easier if strong boundaries are established at the beginning...than to try to tighten them up, down the road.....
This is a situation where I think you have to protect yourself...even if it does feel heavy handed to you...because I think you will get walked on, otherwise...
Even so, I think that, realistically, you can expect them to push every boundary......
****That "amends" letter sounds like very thin gruel, to me....Don't let yourself get sucked in....
Ca**ie
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by Berrybean
What 'amends' is he offering here? Amends are not an apology.
I would hope that he is offering Living Amends, committing to certain things for the future. Financial restitution for one thing, with a commitment to paying back what he owes. Honouring his duties as a father to his child and partner (your grandchild and child). I intent to be completely honest and respectful in all future dealings with you and your loved ones.
And apology letter which attempts to explain that it all, happened because he was acting out alcoholically is just an apology letter attempting to explain that it all happened because he was acting out alcoholically. It is NOT making amends.
If there some reason why this was a letter and not a face to face talk?
Sounds more like a smoothing things over to make life easier for himself becaise hes back with your daughtr deal than proper amends to me from what you say.
BB
I would hope that he is offering Living Amends, committing to certain things for the future. Financial restitution for one thing, with a commitment to paying back what he owes. Honouring his duties as a father to his child and partner (your grandchild and child). I intent to be completely honest and respectful in all future dealings with you and your loved ones.
And apology letter which attempts to explain that it all, happened because he was acting out alcoholically is just an apology letter attempting to explain that it all happened because he was acting out alcoholically. It is NOT making amends.
If there some reason why this was a letter and not a face to face talk?
Sounds more like a smoothing things over to make life easier for himself becaise hes back with your daughtr deal than proper amends to me from what you say.
BB
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
No amends, be it verbal or by letter is worth jack s**t unless backed up by consistent concrete actions. I agree with what Tomsteve said. Tell the baby daddy where to stick that letter. Tell him you'll talk when you start seeing him man up and take responsibility for his life and the life of his child and mate. Words are cheap.
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