Why do I keep thinking about him?
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Why do I keep thinking about him?
It's only been some months when I held my line, ended it. He moved on immediately. Replaced! Why do I care?
It's all he wanted, to have someone that would love him, no matter what. Someone that would do all the things he wanted to do and he is great at pulling out the "Prince Charming" card. Until you get tired of his drinking, challenge him and the decent begins, the abuse shows its head.
My question is, why the heck do I care? I don't think its about him having someone new. (though I will ponder their life, experiencing the happy beginning.... like it was for me)... I think its more about how he replaced me so easily.
We have known each other for 46 years, dating the last 7 of them. He became so verbally abusive in his drinking. I sadly endured so much, waiting for him to get healthy. All the promises. "hang in there with me". "don't give up on me now", "I need your love and support", were to string me along.
I sacrificed and sacrificed, became afraid of his temper, of him when drinking etc. Then he pulls up stakes and gets someone new. All that energy and time being their for someone and poof! Replaced!
He got someone new and doesn't look back. Replaced!
I have great days, hopeful days. I'm working on me, on my healing, on my broken heart, sorting out all the disfunction and how being with an A has impacted my life. I know its a process but why the heck do I let this define me in some manner.
And he is having fun with someone new. As long as she is catering to him, he will be happy and not think of anything he did to hurt anyone.
Logically, I don't want someone like that.
He and his illness doesn't or shouldn't define me and my self worth. I must be allowing this to define me.
When I think of my future, and a life without him, its uplifting.
But the head or heart keeps going back. How easy it was to replace me and find happiness.
I could date too, but think its more important to find my balance, my health so I can clearly walk in a healthy way with someone new.
Why does my brain keep thinking about it?
It's all he wanted, to have someone that would love him, no matter what. Someone that would do all the things he wanted to do and he is great at pulling out the "Prince Charming" card. Until you get tired of his drinking, challenge him and the decent begins, the abuse shows its head.
My question is, why the heck do I care? I don't think its about him having someone new. (though I will ponder their life, experiencing the happy beginning.... like it was for me)... I think its more about how he replaced me so easily.
We have known each other for 46 years, dating the last 7 of them. He became so verbally abusive in his drinking. I sadly endured so much, waiting for him to get healthy. All the promises. "hang in there with me". "don't give up on me now", "I need your love and support", were to string me along.
I sacrificed and sacrificed, became afraid of his temper, of him when drinking etc. Then he pulls up stakes and gets someone new. All that energy and time being their for someone and poof! Replaced!
He got someone new and doesn't look back. Replaced!
I have great days, hopeful days. I'm working on me, on my healing, on my broken heart, sorting out all the disfunction and how being with an A has impacted my life. I know its a process but why the heck do I let this define me in some manner.
And he is having fun with someone new. As long as she is catering to him, he will be happy and not think of anything he did to hurt anyone.
Logically, I don't want someone like that.
He and his illness doesn't or shouldn't define me and my self worth. I must be allowing this to define me.
When I think of my future, and a life without him, its uplifting.
But the head or heart keeps going back. How easy it was to replace me and find happiness.
I could date too, but think its more important to find my balance, my health so I can clearly walk in a healthy way with someone new.
Why does my brain keep thinking about it?
Last edited by TLC; 04-09-2018 at 01:38 PM. Reason: correction
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Hi TLC
I understand what you wrote. I could have written most of it myself.
Your a good caring normal type person who tried to have a normal loving relationship with an addict. Addicts first care about their DOC - not us. Therein lies the problem.
I have read numerous times on SR that addicts replace. You were in a long term relationship with this guy - you know him well. Realistically, what are the chances he is in a good healthy relationship now? Seriously think about it. He is an addict doing what addicts do!
I still think about my addict. I haven't seen or spoken to her in several months. But I still do think of her.
What I no longer do is dwell on thoughts of her. I try hard to stay away from fantasy thinking. I am very aware of what I am thinking & do not dwell in dark places concerning her. I stop myself from going to those dark places.
I know its painful & difficult. Please try your best to not let your mind dwell in dark places. Find other good, fun, peaceful things to occupy your mind. Change that channel as soon as you realize your starting to dwell on your addict.
I also believe its ok to still love our addicts as long as we do it from afar - not close up & personal.
I understand what you wrote. I could have written most of it myself.
Your a good caring normal type person who tried to have a normal loving relationship with an addict. Addicts first care about their DOC - not us. Therein lies the problem.
I have read numerous times on SR that addicts replace. You were in a long term relationship with this guy - you know him well. Realistically, what are the chances he is in a good healthy relationship now? Seriously think about it. He is an addict doing what addicts do!
I still think about my addict. I haven't seen or spoken to her in several months. But I still do think of her.
What I no longer do is dwell on thoughts of her. I try hard to stay away from fantasy thinking. I am very aware of what I am thinking & do not dwell in dark places concerning her. I stop myself from going to those dark places.
I know its painful & difficult. Please try your best to not let your mind dwell in dark places. Find other good, fun, peaceful things to occupy your mind. Change that channel as soon as you realize your starting to dwell on your addict.
I also believe its ok to still love our addicts as long as we do it from afar - not close up & personal.
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Thanks Hardlessons! I know he is doing what he needs to, to keep the addiction going. Logically, I get it (more and more).
If I can stay focused on my recovery and health, dreams or goals of the future, I'm strong. Or when I talk with someone about the "craziness" I endured I can detach fairly quickly and break the cycle of thought.
It's mostly in the night's sleep, that haunts me. Then I wake in the morning of thoughts of him after tossing /turning/ dreaming of things. This is when it gets difficult to stop ruminating. It's then, where I try to understand it "rationally" that I get caught up and the cycle of thought keeps going. I want those times to stop, during those times the pain in my heart surfaces.
I just want the ruminating to stop. Or to find ways of breaking the cycle when it surfaces. I think I just keep trying to find a way to explain it..... And that is probably won't happen other than to just know he is an Addict with mental health issues. It's hard sometimes
If I can stay focused on my recovery and health, dreams or goals of the future, I'm strong. Or when I talk with someone about the "craziness" I endured I can detach fairly quickly and break the cycle of thought.
It's mostly in the night's sleep, that haunts me. Then I wake in the morning of thoughts of him after tossing /turning/ dreaming of things. This is when it gets difficult to stop ruminating. It's then, where I try to understand it "rationally" that I get caught up and the cycle of thought keeps going. I want those times to stop, during those times the pain in my heart surfaces.
I just want the ruminating to stop. Or to find ways of breaking the cycle when it surfaces. I think I just keep trying to find a way to explain it..... And that is probably won't happen other than to just know he is an Addict with mental health issues. It's hard sometimes
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TLC.....lol....I have, so far, written over 12 thousand responses, here on SR.
During that time, I have responded to many persons with your same question....
And, because I have my own intimate knowledge of this kind of situation..I have, so many times, written long, detailed explanations, in answer. Out my whole heart into it. Direct answer to direct question. I always felt like giving a concrete logical and (sometimes scientific) answer would, somehow, soothe and satisfy the person who was asking your same question.
Guess what? I have been wrong, for so long. Because, at the end...the person still says..."That makes sense...but I still think of him and I still miss him!"
I think that the truth is...no answer will satisfy. Because what you are feeling is normal, natural and expected at this juncture.
Think of all of the poems and songs written about this, over the course of history. Such a common human experience.
Now, if you had asked..."What can I do to get past this?" or " How can I get over this?".....I could give a more satisfying answer...at least, what worked for me and most other people. But, you didn't ask that....You asked only one question..."Why does my brain still think of him."
Actually, when I step back and look at it...I think that for people who ask this question---it is really, mostly, rhetorical....The need to ventilate and share about what they are feeling (which, of course, is o.k.)....That a concrete, factual answer is not really what they are looking for......
thus, I won't bore you with one of my half page answers....I will just say that it hasn't been long enough time....it is along process....
******Please note that I began writing my post before your response to HardLessons.....
During that time, I have responded to many persons with your same question....
And, because I have my own intimate knowledge of this kind of situation..I have, so many times, written long, detailed explanations, in answer. Out my whole heart into it. Direct answer to direct question. I always felt like giving a concrete logical and (sometimes scientific) answer would, somehow, soothe and satisfy the person who was asking your same question.
Guess what? I have been wrong, for so long. Because, at the end...the person still says..."That makes sense...but I still think of him and I still miss him!"
I think that the truth is...no answer will satisfy. Because what you are feeling is normal, natural and expected at this juncture.
Think of all of the poems and songs written about this, over the course of history. Such a common human experience.
Now, if you had asked..."What can I do to get past this?" or " How can I get over this?".....I could give a more satisfying answer...at least, what worked for me and most other people. But, you didn't ask that....You asked only one question..."Why does my brain still think of him."
Actually, when I step back and look at it...I think that for people who ask this question---it is really, mostly, rhetorical....The need to ventilate and share about what they are feeling (which, of course, is o.k.)....That a concrete, factual answer is not really what they are looking for......
thus, I won't bore you with one of my half page answers....I will just say that it hasn't been long enough time....it is along process....
******Please note that I began writing my post before your response to HardLessons.....
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
Now, if you had asked..."What can I do to get past this?" or " How can I get over this?".....I could give a more satisfying answer...at least, what worked for me and most other people. But, you didn't ask that....You asked only one question..."Why does my brain still think of him." .
I didn't ask how to get past this or get over it. The ruminating is so painful, that I for a moment considered there was something wrong with me or something I didn't know or haven't considered. It hasn't been long in the grand scheme of things, and I feel like I've come a long way. I do feel desperate to move forward. Even if I fall back, I'd like to recover quicker. There are days (like today) that it all I think of. Which makes it a bit difficult to get motivated to do other things. I am having a difficult time staying on task with the house, with work etc.
If you do have some insight, I would most grateful if you would share it. I would love to know how to move past this and absolutely to get over it. Perhaps it is just time, but I feel stuck.
Always grateful!
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TLC...from what I can tell from your posts....you broke contact with him in mid January....at, least you were still talking to him, then...? That makes it about 2 1/2 months. In my experience, it takes many more months than that (depending on the person, of course)....
Grieving takes time....there is no way around it...and, it takes the time it takes. As you already know, obsessive thinking is part of the grieving process....it is normal, as long as you don't let it take you over and interfere with your important daily functions.
I can remember sobbing and listening to Linda Rhonstadt's song "I haven't got time for the pain" (she was a popular singer who was before your time..lol)....
You have to get through the normal, expected, grieving period, with whatever works for you.....Things like structure, new activities, new friends, new goals, etc.
And, you need to embrace the grieving with scheduled RITUALS...(to much material to cover in one post)...
But, I think that the bottom line is that when you get to the point that your p resent, daily life has more meaning for you, than, your past history.....you will rarely think of him.....
I think that your expectations are too much to expect at this time....of course you want it "over sooner" and you "hate this process".....Who wouldn't?
I think that you will feel a lot better in about 6 months.....better than now....
but, stop rushing the time....you have to be willing to go through the short-term pain for the long-term gain.....
Why not throw yourself into making this next summer the most amazing one of your life?
Grieving takes time....there is no way around it...and, it takes the time it takes. As you already know, obsessive thinking is part of the grieving process....it is normal, as long as you don't let it take you over and interfere with your important daily functions.
I can remember sobbing and listening to Linda Rhonstadt's song "I haven't got time for the pain" (she was a popular singer who was before your time..lol)....
You have to get through the normal, expected, grieving period, with whatever works for you.....Things like structure, new activities, new friends, new goals, etc.
And, you need to embrace the grieving with scheduled RITUALS...(to much material to cover in one post)...
But, I think that the bottom line is that when you get to the point that your p resent, daily life has more meaning for you, than, your past history.....you will rarely think of him.....
I think that your expectations are too much to expect at this time....of course you want it "over sooner" and you "hate this process".....Who wouldn't?
I think that you will feel a lot better in about 6 months.....better than now....
but, stop rushing the time....you have to be willing to go through the short-term pain for the long-term gain.....
Why not throw yourself into making this next summer the most amazing one of your life?
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TLC, yes, ruminating is no fun is it. I think with dysfunctional relationships in particular this is the brain's way of saying - what the hell? Our brains like for things to make sense.
I read back on your other threads to refresh my memory and you had this long term relationship with someone who said - hang in there with me! Don't give up! Telling you he loves you etc.
On the flip side he keeps drinking and immediately moves on to a new relationship (with someone he drinks with).
In the normal world this doesn't make sense. When someone sincerely says, hang in there with me, that means you are in it together and going to make it work no matter what and that effort will show.
Now, I'm sure he must have had some good qualities or you wouldn't have gotten involved with him, however that then devolved in to drunken name calling (abuse).
Hard to rationalize love and abuse. It does not make sense.
I am guessing you have read all the stickies about alcoholism, abuse etc? If not, please do. Knowledge is power and reading those may give you the framework for the answers you are looking for and help with some of that rumination.
The second thing and I've done this and seen others here mention it is to stop yourself with a set plan of something to do. This takes repetition (so don't give up on it!). Once you have sought the knowledge - that won't stop the rumination completely, it just quietens it a bit. Then it's time to take action (well actually now is the time to start) when you start to ruminate stop yourself. If that means saying "stop" out-loud to yourself, so be it, if it means snapping a rubber-band you have on your wrist - then that's what you need to do, If it means watching a movie, watch action films (even if you don't like them much) whatever you think will work for you. It can be hard to focus on something as long as a movie, just keep pulling your mind back to the movie.
I read back on your other threads to refresh my memory and you had this long term relationship with someone who said - hang in there with me! Don't give up! Telling you he loves you etc.
On the flip side he keeps drinking and immediately moves on to a new relationship (with someone he drinks with).
In the normal world this doesn't make sense. When someone sincerely says, hang in there with me, that means you are in it together and going to make it work no matter what and that effort will show.
Now, I'm sure he must have had some good qualities or you wouldn't have gotten involved with him, however that then devolved in to drunken name calling (abuse).
Hard to rationalize love and abuse. It does not make sense.
I am guessing you have read all the stickies about alcoholism, abuse etc? If not, please do. Knowledge is power and reading those may give you the framework for the answers you are looking for and help with some of that rumination.
The second thing and I've done this and seen others here mention it is to stop yourself with a set plan of something to do. This takes repetition (so don't give up on it!). Once you have sought the knowledge - that won't stop the rumination completely, it just quietens it a bit. Then it's time to take action (well actually now is the time to start) when you start to ruminate stop yourself. If that means saying "stop" out-loud to yourself, so be it, if it means snapping a rubber-band you have on your wrist - then that's what you need to do, If it means watching a movie, watch action films (even if you don't like them much) whatever you think will work for you. It can be hard to focus on something as long as a movie, just keep pulling your mind back to the movie.
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I have to admit I haven't read all the replies yet. My first thought is that you are grieving what you thought could have been. You say he is "happy". I think it's irony that he seems happy when you are sad about him. Do you want his kind of happiness? You have the ability to move forward and find the happy that you deserve.
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Thank you !!!!
I know I need to go through, albeit painful recovery. I find it reassuring to hear this is normal for the circumstances. With his drama, trauma and craziness, it made me feel I was crazy. In fact there were many times he'd turn things around, twisting words and circumstances that would make me feel crazy and he'd then tell me I was. . I think someone in the beginning of all this may have said that if I didn't get out, he would take me with him. I believe that.
His father (recovering A / psychologist) once told me I have complicated grief. Grief /anger/ manipulated/ betrayal, with all the fixings that addiction delivers etc. It is crazy making and I was worried that it was just too much to sort out and I was getting stuck in trying to heal.
My heart breaks some days, I look forward to realizing I have gone a day without a thought of him.
I know I need to go through, albeit painful recovery. I find it reassuring to hear this is normal for the circumstances. With his drama, trauma and craziness, it made me feel I was crazy. In fact there were many times he'd turn things around, twisting words and circumstances that would make me feel crazy and he'd then tell me I was. . I think someone in the beginning of all this may have said that if I didn't get out, he would take me with him. I believe that.
His father (recovering A / psychologist) once told me I have complicated grief. Grief /anger/ manipulated/ betrayal, with all the fixings that addiction delivers etc. It is crazy making and I was worried that it was just too much to sort out and I was getting stuck in trying to heal.
My heart breaks some days, I look forward to realizing I have gone a day without a thought of him.
Last edited by TLC; 04-09-2018 at 06:10 PM. Reason: sp
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Why are you still ruminating? Easy. Because you loved him/still love him and you are grieving.
What do you do to get past this? That's not so easy, but there are things you can do.
I know what it's like to feel what you are feeling now. I still think about my stbxAH every day, even though it's mental energy I could be spending on something else, but I ruminate a lot less than I did 6 months ago.
It helps to have a project to do every day. Something that's not just work, although work helps. A project you force yourself to do. Even a mini one. Like building something in the garden. Or painting something. Fixing something.
It helps to have a pet.
It helps to have a friend you can call.
It helps to sleep a lot, eat right, and exercise. Every time you feel the emotions stuck in your body and you can't cry anymore, go out and start running like Forest Gump. Emotions really do get stuck in your body. Get it out of your system. Treat yourself as if you are going through rehabilitation from a drug.
I agree about what was said about complicated grief. This is not a regular break-up, this is a crazy break-up. Please go easy on yourself.
"I think someone in the beginning of all this may have said that if I didn't get out, he would take me with him."
That is true. He would have taken you with him. Mine nearly did. You are free. It's scary at first but be brave, you will get stronger.
What do you do to get past this? That's not so easy, but there are things you can do.
I know what it's like to feel what you are feeling now. I still think about my stbxAH every day, even though it's mental energy I could be spending on something else, but I ruminate a lot less than I did 6 months ago.
It helps to have a project to do every day. Something that's not just work, although work helps. A project you force yourself to do. Even a mini one. Like building something in the garden. Or painting something. Fixing something.
It helps to have a pet.
It helps to have a friend you can call.
It helps to sleep a lot, eat right, and exercise. Every time you feel the emotions stuck in your body and you can't cry anymore, go out and start running like Forest Gump. Emotions really do get stuck in your body. Get it out of your system. Treat yourself as if you are going through rehabilitation from a drug.
I agree about what was said about complicated grief. This is not a regular break-up, this is a crazy break-up. Please go easy on yourself.
"I think someone in the beginning of all this may have said that if I didn't get out, he would take me with him."
That is true. He would have taken you with him. Mine nearly did. You are free. It's scary at first but be brave, you will get stronger.
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Last night I thought of his last girlfriend of many years and how he moved so quickly from her to me. How happy I was (not realizing the details of his life) and I wondered how she felt in that time, . I felt like just another woman to pass through his life, while he continues to drink. Was I ever special, did he ever love me, was any of it real....What ever their situation, she ultimately got a restraining order.
Today I consider the alternative....
I could be still wishing for his recovery so we could be happy again, but while I was wishing this I could be still experiencing
Him texting me verbal daggers to penetrate my heart, aiming deeper and deeper to make an impact..
He could be laying next to me smelling like alcohol
I could still be in a relationship with him wondering if he'd had been with another woman and wondering if everything he said was another lie
He could be screaming delusional statements for hours on end
I could be tip toeing around him trying to avoid his temper.
I hung on for the good old days, but the good old days were when I didn't realize his drinking problem and never question his actions. His problem was all along and I can't go back....
Sure I was rejected, but probably not for another woman as much as I was rejected for alcohol. The other woman is the new enabler.
I still will have days and ruminating thoughts for now. I worry sometimes about putting my feelings out to this group as it reveals my struggle, my pain, my vulnerabilities. I'd like to be "strong" and walk away without a thought of him. But its also in this group, I get the best insights of all.
Today I consider the alternative....
I could be still wishing for his recovery so we could be happy again, but while I was wishing this I could be still experiencing
Him texting me verbal daggers to penetrate my heart, aiming deeper and deeper to make an impact..
He could be laying next to me smelling like alcohol
I could still be in a relationship with him wondering if he'd had been with another woman and wondering if everything he said was another lie
He could be screaming delusional statements for hours on end
I could be tip toeing around him trying to avoid his temper.
I hung on for the good old days, but the good old days were when I didn't realize his drinking problem and never question his actions. His problem was all along and I can't go back....
Sure I was rejected, but probably not for another woman as much as I was rejected for alcohol. The other woman is the new enabler.
I still will have days and ruminating thoughts for now. I worry sometimes about putting my feelings out to this group as it reveals my struggle, my pain, my vulnerabilities. I'd like to be "strong" and walk away without a thought of him. But its also in this group, I get the best insights of all.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
TLC......do you honestly, really believe that any person walks away from a major heartbreak without another thought? Really?
I just wish (in my moment of weakness and heartache) that I was stronger.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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Originally Posted by TLC
Dandylion, No I don't think anyone really walks away without another thought.
I just wish (in my moment of weakness and heartache) that I was stronger.
I just wish (in my moment of weakness and heartache) that I was stronger.
When you were little, your hand told you the stove top was hot. It hurt, it was unpleasant. Now we're grown-up, and our hearts tell us that our exes were harmful. It hurts, it's not nice. I understand what you are saying. I also wish I could walk away easy.
But the only way that is possible, is if I put off what I'm going to feel eventually. Addicts put off what they are going to feel eventually... they muffle their pain with drugs or alcohol... with disastrous results.
Also TLC, you are strong. You were strong enough to leave, you are strong enough to be here. You might feel weak right now... but you're getting stronger.
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What we focus on gets stronger. That doesn't mean that we shouldn't focus on what happened. When the time is right what helps me is spend a little bit more each day on something else. What are your interests and hobbies?
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TLC
I broke away from my addict in June of last year. I honestly have no clue how I mustered the strength to do it. The first couple months were excruciatingly painful for me. I suffered from anxiety attacks daily sometimes several in a day. It was extremely difficult to focus on either my personal or work life.
I thought of her non stop day & night. Thoughts of our good times, thoughts of bad times, thoughts of what might happen to her, thoughts of love & missing her. These thoughts consumed me.
Time away has helped me. Several months out now things are better for me. Time away will help you - please give it time.
I have also come to accept the following:
I fell deeply in love with a very broken person. She is an active addict. She does not seek sobriety or recovery.
She does not have a problem. I have the problem. Therefore I cannot have a healthy relationship with her.
What happened between us was not all her fault. I fully accept my responsibility for all that I did wrong. It wasn't all on her. She is what she is & I fully knew all that she is good & bad.
She will always be a part of who I am. We had a very emotional relationship. I am forever changed by her.
I will always love her & care about her.
For me, acceptance of the above has helped me get her & our relationship into a more quiet & peaceful place inside me. The terrible turmoil feelings have subsided.
I have had to take very small steps to get where I am now. I am not all better but I am much better than I was before. I still try my best to focus on small things. Just going outside always helped a bit & Ive done it during the day, night, late night, early morning.
There is hope for you. I didn't know if I was going to live or die. Today I am living & doing ok. You sound like an intelligent woman who understands the situation. As was the case with me, you have been given a lot of good quality advice here on SR. Please give yourself time to heal.
I broke away from my addict in June of last year. I honestly have no clue how I mustered the strength to do it. The first couple months were excruciatingly painful for me. I suffered from anxiety attacks daily sometimes several in a day. It was extremely difficult to focus on either my personal or work life.
I thought of her non stop day & night. Thoughts of our good times, thoughts of bad times, thoughts of what might happen to her, thoughts of love & missing her. These thoughts consumed me.
Time away has helped me. Several months out now things are better for me. Time away will help you - please give it time.
I have also come to accept the following:
I fell deeply in love with a very broken person. She is an active addict. She does not seek sobriety or recovery.
She does not have a problem. I have the problem. Therefore I cannot have a healthy relationship with her.
What happened between us was not all her fault. I fully accept my responsibility for all that I did wrong. It wasn't all on her. She is what she is & I fully knew all that she is good & bad.
She will always be a part of who I am. We had a very emotional relationship. I am forever changed by her.
I will always love her & care about her.
For me, acceptance of the above has helped me get her & our relationship into a more quiet & peaceful place inside me. The terrible turmoil feelings have subsided.
I have had to take very small steps to get where I am now. I am not all better but I am much better than I was before. I still try my best to focus on small things. Just going outside always helped a bit & Ive done it during the day, night, late night, early morning.
There is hope for you. I didn't know if I was going to live or die. Today I am living & doing ok. You sound like an intelligent woman who understands the situation. As was the case with me, you have been given a lot of good quality advice here on SR. Please give yourself time to heal.
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