Leopards and Their Spots
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Leopards and Their Spots
For any of you that worry you will leave only to have them magically become sober and start being the wonderful person you always knew they could be...
I heard from my AXH about a week ago. I hadn't heard from him since 2016, regarding the same issue. It was about money he still owes me. He doesn't want to pay it. We came to a compromise when we separated,we both signed a legal agreement, then when we divorced it became a court order. For the record, I settled for WAY less than I was legally entitled to.
The first time he refused to do the right thing I contacted him and asked why, he said, "I cant afford it" and that one sentence was the last I heard from him. I rationally just turned it over to a government agency that makes sure he meets his legal obligation. Amazingly enough he was been able to "afford" it again until now.
He emailed me last week and asked that I just forget the rest of the money he owes me. He was not rude but it was just two sentences, basically," Please stop making me pay. I cant afford it.' (paraphrased)
I took a couple days to mull over what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. I wrote several drafts. I revised a LOT. I write a lot more concisely these days and I was able to catch myself when I got, well, $hitty..... and deleted those parts. I didn't want to be mean, hurtful or confrontational. I just wanted to be factual. Which ultimately I was, my email was polite, truthful and to the point. I told him that I signed that agreement in good faith and I expected him to live up to his end of it.(very paraphrased)
I hit send and a few minutes later he wrote back, "That's what I figured. Vile c***. F*** you" (verbatim)
I was with this guy for 26 years. I am the mother of his children. He never spoke to me like this when we were together, although he did call me that not long after we had broken up once before. I have no doubt he has been saying that to anyone else who will listen to him.
I found out later that night his live-in AGF hasn't been working for months.
I did not fall apart when I got that email. I expected the "F" part, the "C" part was a bit more than I expected. I actually even smiled and just tucked it away in the folder I've kept all my correspondence from him in. Of course it didn't feel nice to have a man I was once married to spew vulgarity like that in my direction, but it didn't wreck me. In fact it made me feel a whole lot stronger. I already KNEW I made the right decision to leave but little affirmations like this help to heal up the slight pain I still have in my heart and alleviate some of that guilt I still struggle with.
Why I ever trusted that the man whom I was divorcing for his lack of integrity would honor our legal division of asset agreement I don't know, but I sure am glad I didn't take him at the word and that it was finalized as a court order when we divorced. Apparently this somehow makes me the bad guy... (who the hell thinks like that?... a drunk, that's who!)
Once I left he did not magically turn his life around. He hooked up with a drunk who no longer works and mooches off him. They make poor decisions with their money. I don't feel the least bit responsible.
They say leopards don't change their spots. In the case of my drunken exhusband that is surly true... and it sure doesn't seem like his monkeys are behaving themselves much either.
His life is not better. It is worse. He blames me.
My life is better. Much, much better. I also blame me.
Being around drunks is so exhausting... I can't believe I used to live my life that exhausted every. damn. day.
I heard from my AXH about a week ago. I hadn't heard from him since 2016, regarding the same issue. It was about money he still owes me. He doesn't want to pay it. We came to a compromise when we separated,we both signed a legal agreement, then when we divorced it became a court order. For the record, I settled for WAY less than I was legally entitled to.
The first time he refused to do the right thing I contacted him and asked why, he said, "I cant afford it" and that one sentence was the last I heard from him. I rationally just turned it over to a government agency that makes sure he meets his legal obligation. Amazingly enough he was been able to "afford" it again until now.
He emailed me last week and asked that I just forget the rest of the money he owes me. He was not rude but it was just two sentences, basically," Please stop making me pay. I cant afford it.' (paraphrased)
I took a couple days to mull over what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. I wrote several drafts. I revised a LOT. I write a lot more concisely these days and I was able to catch myself when I got, well, $hitty..... and deleted those parts. I didn't want to be mean, hurtful or confrontational. I just wanted to be factual. Which ultimately I was, my email was polite, truthful and to the point. I told him that I signed that agreement in good faith and I expected him to live up to his end of it.(very paraphrased)
I hit send and a few minutes later he wrote back, "That's what I figured. Vile c***. F*** you" (verbatim)
I was with this guy for 26 years. I am the mother of his children. He never spoke to me like this when we were together, although he did call me that not long after we had broken up once before. I have no doubt he has been saying that to anyone else who will listen to him.
I found out later that night his live-in AGF hasn't been working for months.
I did not fall apart when I got that email. I expected the "F" part, the "C" part was a bit more than I expected. I actually even smiled and just tucked it away in the folder I've kept all my correspondence from him in. Of course it didn't feel nice to have a man I was once married to spew vulgarity like that in my direction, but it didn't wreck me. In fact it made me feel a whole lot stronger. I already KNEW I made the right decision to leave but little affirmations like this help to heal up the slight pain I still have in my heart and alleviate some of that guilt I still struggle with.
Why I ever trusted that the man whom I was divorcing for his lack of integrity would honor our legal division of asset agreement I don't know, but I sure am glad I didn't take him at the word and that it was finalized as a court order when we divorced. Apparently this somehow makes me the bad guy... (who the hell thinks like that?... a drunk, that's who!)
Once I left he did not magically turn his life around. He hooked up with a drunk who no longer works and mooches off him. They make poor decisions with their money. I don't feel the least bit responsible.
They say leopards don't change their spots. In the case of my drunken exhusband that is surly true... and it sure doesn't seem like his monkeys are behaving themselves much either.
His life is not better. It is worse. He blames me.
My life is better. Much, much better. I also blame me.
Being around drunks is so exhausting... I can't believe I used to live my life that exhausted every. damn. day.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
So true so very true!!!! The good part is that you have this all in email and can push for the court order if you want. File a motion saying he’s in violation, show the email to the court and let the natural consequences of his actions take place.
I think you handled it perfectly!!!
The title of your post reminded me of a friend of mine that had this as a quote on her email after a breakup from an alcoholic, one she tried to mend, fix, repair and love sober…….
A leopard doesn’t change his spots just because you bring him in from the jungle and try to housebreak him and turn him into a pet. He may learn to sheathe his claws in order to beg a few scraps off the dinner table, and you may teach him to be a beast of burden, but it doesn’t pay to forget that he’ll always be what he was born: a wild animal.
I think you handled it perfectly!!!
The title of your post reminded me of a friend of mine that had this as a quote on her email after a breakup from an alcoholic, one she tried to mend, fix, repair and love sober…….
A leopard doesn’t change his spots just because you bring him in from the jungle and try to housebreak him and turn him into a pet. He may learn to sheathe his claws in order to beg a few scraps off the dinner table, and you may teach him to be a beast of burden, but it doesn’t pay to forget that he’ll always be what he was born: a wild animal.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Wow - you handled that overgrown manchild with dignity. (((HUGS))) to you. THat would have been difficult to read - expected or not....and I am so glad you are out of there and that life is so much greater on the other side!! You deserve it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by atalose 
So true so very true!!!! The good part is that you have this all in email and can push for the court order if you want. File a motion saying he’s in violation, show the email to the court and let the natural consequences of his actions take place.
It's amazing to be so calm. There was a time, not too long ago, this interaction would have driven me over the edge. Heartfelt thanks to SRF&F for helping me become a soooooo much healthier and happier!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
your post, minus the wretched things he typed to you, is a breath of fresh air! i hope many who are uncertain which way to direct their future will read it and have hope. THANK YOU for being here. 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: California
Posts: 467
Good job at handling a jerk. I can relate completely. Everytime I bring up something to my soon to be AXH, he finds a way to some how blame me. I'm still trying to find the correct way to approach and deal with his rants. Thank you for sharing your story. And yes always keep documentation of all conversation, that is exactly what I do with my AXH.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
You handled that so well, i'm so glad you are feeling good.
Thanks for posting that. For all the posters that say - well I left him and now he is living this wonderful life!
Well this is probably a good example of what that "wonderful" life is like. He hooks up with another addict, who in turn mooches off him and he has to try and scramble for money to keep the other addict happy.
Doesn't sound like paradise to me.
Thanks for posting that. For all the posters that say - well I left him and now he is living this wonderful life!
Well this is probably a good example of what that "wonderful" life is like. He hooks up with another addict, who in turn mooches off him and he has to try and scramble for money to keep the other addict happy.
Doesn't sound like paradise to me.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
